Newbie situation Need advice

[rosesaregray]

I am completely new to this whole lifestyle. Too be perfectly honest I had no idea this lifestyle even existed 5 months ago. I will try to be brief but I am so lost and confused at this moment and could really use some advice and guidance. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over three months. I am completely crazy about him. I am so in love with him and happy with our life. Recently the topic of Chastity came up. He is the one who brought it up and said he was interested in it. He showed me the cages and explained the idea to me. I am completely open and was excited to give it a shot. Last weekend I was out of town for four days. While i was gone we were on the phone and he said that he would no longer pleasure himself and give complete control to me. That basically he would no longer cum without my permission. This turned me on and we talked about it. However this week we ordered a cage and were both excited and looked like things were moving forward. While we are waiting for the cage I did some research and we have been playing around alot this week. Yesterday he woke me up before he had to go to work. He said that he had played with himself but not gotten off. We had plans when he came home that we would spend the evening playing together. We took a shower and afterwards sat on the couch to smoke and take care of some messages on my phone (10 minutes max) Then the night just went down hill from there. We started bickering (our first arguement) and long story short it boiled down to him saying he was frustrated from all of the horomones and wanted to have no distractions. The fact that I was playing on my phone highly pissed him off.

Here is where we are at now. We are both confused and upset. Unsure how to progress. I know that we need to sit down and talk and we plan to this evening when he gets home from work. I am upset and confused because generally I am more of a submissive person. But since this topic was brought up I felt myself coming out of my shell. I was truely excited about it. (In the arguement he said that this caused the fight and no more orgasm deniel or ruined orgasms. Although he had had one the night before. He got off the night before played with himself the next morning and was excited all day.) It wasn't like this was an extended period of time. I am confused because he is the one that brought this up. He is the one that wanted this. Wanted me to be in control. Wanted me to deny him. I was trying to learn and taking things slow. Started out maybe teasing him in the afternoon and getting him off before bed. I am hurt and upset because he says no more because the hormones and frustration added to the fight. Any and all suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Locked by LRC]

It sounds to me he's as confused as you are. It's something he wanted and what he thought it was going to be like is different that it really is. When first starting out I can't imagine trying to stay chaste without a cage, especially if teasing was involved. He may be trying to be true, not masturbate, and his horniness level is higher than he's used to. He is feeling different than what was normal and may be confused. Maybe when the cage is introduced it will be easier for him.

I would suggest you not pressure him and let him approach you.

[Shepherdsflock]

I think the phone needs to be locked up, too. Put the phone away for crying out loud. Give your undivided attention to him when you're having intimate time.

[wishful4]

Rosesaregray, think this may be a case of the reality of chastity being much different than his fantasy, so now he is having second thoughts about whether he wants it or not. If you think male chastity is something you really want to try, learn everything you can about it, then put together a plan for implementing it. Sit him down and have a frank discussion. Tell him that you were willing to try something new for him now it's time for him to try it for you. I posted a story in the fiction section called "The wife's male chastity primer". Although it was a fictional piece, it has a lot of good information in there to help you. Male chastity has to be consensual so you both will have to find something in this kink that you both like. Sounds like you communicate well and this is a good first step. He may not realize you were as turned on by this as he thought he was in the beginning.

[jlocked]

Here are a few things to consider.
1. First being locked up is a drastic change for him. He is excited constantly and craving extra attention. I drove my wife/KH crazy the first week that we eventually ended in an argument, we both went to bed pissed, me locked. The next morning I apologized despite feeling she was wrong on several issues.

2. You need to set the rules and get his agreement, that is the control. If, when, where, or at all are all up to you. However I do believe just paying a little extra attention, a comment, flash the key, a text, a reference to a line in a song should be all he needs to know you are thinking about him and his chastity.

3. He will go through doubts, reconsideration, blue balls pain, etc. Be firm and stick to your guns (rules). The game is....He will do everything and anything to get out and get your attention, your job is to keep him locked as much as possible, hence the training.

4. Me and my wife are only ending our second week of daily chastity, I've gone as much as 60 hours, released for her pleasure and re-locked. I'm no longer thinking about it and semi-aroused 24/7. She is getting more comfortable with letting me know what she expects, our life is getting semi-normal again.

As I wrap this reply up, were getting ready to go to a hockey game, where I'm sure she is gonna tease the hell out of me in public. Should be an interesting evening.

[sherulestherooster]

I infer that you are relatively young, and I know I would not have been interested in something like this when I was younger. I'm not locked much at all any more, but my wife does control my orgasms, and is comfortable, maybe even prefers, denying me now. The benefit to me is that I go into "courtship mode" when I'm denied; it's like when we were first dating and I crave to impress her. The benefit to her is she enjoys sex being all about her.

My thoughts are that since you have such a new relationship, that you might be short circuiting the process. I suggest to slow down and revisit it later. The cage you bought will still be there later. My $0.02 given your intro.

[TwistedMister]

like Rooster says, I also get the impression that you [both] are young. If you have only known him for three months and you are already living together, then I would say that you are [both] somewhat impulsive. Being young and having a tendency to act on impulse can result in conflict. Getting upset for you spending 10 minutes on the phone is not a good sign, to me. It seems immature, shows a lack of patience, and indicates that he may have an attitude that everything is 'all about him' and if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, there's going to be trouble.

Here is where we are at now. We are both confused and upset. Unsure how to progress. I know that we need to sit down and talk and we plan to this evening when he gets home from work. I am upset and confused because generally I am more of a submissive person. But since this topic was brought up I felt myself coming out of my shell. I was truely excited about it. (In the arguement he said that this caused the fight and no more orgasm deniel or ruined orgasms.

What you are trying to say here is not completely clear to me. Are you saying that he is claiming that the argument is because you were becoming less 'submissive', coming out of your shell, and because you were excited about the subject (chastity) that *he* introduced?

Living together requires adjustments and changes in behavior, 'chastity' even more so.

It is difficult to provide advice in this situation, as we know only what you have written and the details we have to work with are limited. The picture you have painted suggests that there are troubled times ahead. However if there is to be a chance of this working out (with or without 'chastity'), someone is going to have to impose some maturity, guidance and patience into the relationship, and that someone would seem to be *you*. 'Chastity' may or may not help, there is a chance it *can* help, if you work it right.

I could expound on the psychological factors I see here, but given the relative lack of information I have to work with, that might not be wise. I will go out on a limb, however, and say that it appears that he may have some 'mommy issues' and is acting like a 'spoiled brat'. This may or may not be correct.

At the very least, I would say that you need to inject some 'calm' and 'control' into the situation (particularly on your own actions/reactions). He could respond well, or he could respond poorly, there is no way to know. If he responds poorly, it will not bode well for the future, but you can at least know that you have taken the 'high road' and you tried to make it work.

You may have to let the device go unused for a while, perhaps even the idea of 'chastity' itself...at least as far as the overt imposition of it, maybe even wait until *he* brings it up again. You may want to make yourself slightly less available [sexually], let him begin to 'chase' you again, but do not withdraw completely. He will need to learn some behavioral changes, 'reward' him when he behaves in the desired manner but [try to] avoid 'punishment' (for now). This is the 'carrot and stick' method but the stick needs to be used very sparingly. Think of it like you are training a puppy- you reward him when he does what you want, but you avoid slapping his nose unless he does something really, really bad.

[Lockedwithlove]

Just my opinion but I didn't see anyone else touch on this as I scanned through the other posts. Since the two of you have only been dating for 3 months you don't know each other very well. You guys are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I think you need to work on the base of your relationship and really know for a fact that you care for and love eachother. Waitt I'll you're at your 1 year mark and then try it again.

[Lockedwithlove]

Just my opinion but I didn't see anyone else touch on this as I scanned through the other posts. Since the two of you have only been dating for 3 months you don't know each other very well. You guys are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I think you need to work on the base of your relationship and really know for a fact that you care for and love eachother. Waitt I'll you're at your 1 year mark and then try it again.

Just an afterthought but forget what I said about waiting a year for chastity. Maybe you could just try weekend chastity while your relationship grows and gets stronger and then you could both ease into a 24/7 chastity lifestyle if that's what you both want. This will help you come out of your shell as your boyfriend's dominant plus get to know your boyfriend and both of your desires with a little more time. 24/7 chastity is a lot to put on a new relationship because there is a break in period for the two of you in both mental and physical aspects for chastity. He needs to be able to handle and control his frustrations and emotions while he gets used to receiving little to no orgasms as well as obeying your demands and rules. You have to be willing to put in the effort of stepping into your new role as the one in charge of your relationship so your dominance becomes real for you both and you need a strong foundation/ relationship to make something like this work. Good luck to you guys I hope you can figure it out because MC is a great experience and you will find a great new self confidence if you truly embrace your role.

[Grizzly228]

I had a similar blow up while being teased and it led to an awkward week. In hindsight it could have been squashed quickly with some communication. If my gf had told me what to expect or vocalized what was happening I would have had no choice but to accept and know this is what I had asked for and wanted.

Now everyone and every fight is different. I agree he is having reality vs fantasy issues. Maybe he's just not cut out for it. Also it's still early in a relationship so maybe he's NOT the guy for you. If chastity or orgasm denial hurts the relationship, end it and go back to normal without feelings of failure.

However if YOU are now enjoying it your opinion matters too. Tell him how much you enjoy it and that you want to continue chastity play with him. My gf is not dominant either and I can feel her get quieter when she gets a little dominant. That is when a man needs to hear his woman tell him how good it makes you feel and how proud you are of his sacrifice. A little communication during the act may go a long way.