But what do I get out of this?

[Tom Allen]

I enjoy the discussion of this forum and wonderwife's evaluation and considerations. My point was simply to raise the notion, isn't it time for action, review and decide?

But that's not what you wrote, was it? What you wrote was "thought provoking dialogue has morphed into over analyzed discourse." That sounds like you were tired of reading the discussion - for reasons I can't imagine. If what you *meant* to say "Isn't it time for some action?" you used a pretty tactless choice of words.

Beyond that, even your saying "At some point you need to commit to trying something, dialogue is awesome but actions speak louder than words" is really just a nice way of saying "It's time to shut up about it and go try it out." Wonderingwife is obviously a grown, responsible adult who is capable of making her own decisions; she certainly doesn't need you - or anyone else here - telling her when she should or shouldn't stop talking (i.e., thinking) about something.

Ironically, half the initial responses to her were pretty much "Oh, just try it out, you'll like it."

People process things in their own time. Nothing wrong with exploring the ideas by talking them over with other people who have already gone through the process.

[Tom Allen]

This is where my advice differs a bit. I recommend to give the man his "day in court", but on your terms. He says male chastity is the answer, then let him try and prove it to you. Give him time to get used to the device, then lock him up 24/7 except when you want him unlocked. (...) Dealing with the occasional discomfort and pinching, nighttime erections, and maintaining hygiene day in and day out is no small effort. Set a trial period (don't let him know what it is), then have a discussion afterwards.

Actually, there is some merit here. It takes a while to adapt to wearing a device, and anyone who believes the wank stories that you can just slap it on and go is going to be in for a lot of frustration - and not in the way they were hoping for.

You say that you control his orgasms now, but unless you are with him 24/7, he may find opportunities to rub one out in your absence. This will keep the test honest. He may quickly find that being locked in reality is much different than fantasy.

For some reason, most people seem to be missing the clue that his masturbation has not been an issue here.

[Tom Allen]

I’m sorry you felt it was over analyzed, my apologies if I have offended anyone. It was actually quite a bit of help for my husband and myself.

I'd say that with a (at this writing) 50+ responses, you can stop apologizing. Please do not feel like you're bothering anyone - you've registered, asked questions, engaged in discussion, and have been generally well behaved. You're not a guest anymore, you're a member.

Which reminds me...

We do engage in some D/s (conversational) intercourse around here, it's just not a big part of what this board was established for. Also, there's no Old Guard in the chastity community, so we haven't developed the rigid "hanky code" rules that are so off-putting in many of the other BDSM forums.

Although now that I've said this, I can see it coming
Red hanky in left pocket: Self locked and available.
Blue hanky in right pocket: Partnered and locked.


The Keyholder section was started not to keep the women in the kitchen, so to speak, but to give them a safe place to discuss things without the over-eager guys jumping in and drowning the conversation. Also, we have some people with partners who read the boards, and it's helpful to have some privacy for the Keyholders, who are generally newbs, to discuss the emotional and relational aspects without being concerned about their partners reading, and perhaps taking things out of context.

[wonderingwife]

You're not a guest anymore, you're a member

I read that and suddenly heard Groucho Marx saying “I wouldn’t join a club that would have me as a member”. (Lord I am old, more than a few readers probably just went “Who?”)




So I guess the bad dog and I would be blue hanky right pocket?

For some reason, most people seem to be missing the clue that his masturbation has not been an issue here.

Thanks for pointing that out. It has never been an issue.

And another point I would like to stress: We may be D/s but I am not lording over him all day and all night. D/s is just part of who we are as a couple it isn't ALL we are. He knows where the boundaries are, the ones we agreed to, most of them HIS idea a long time ago and he knows exactly where he crossed them this time.

Also as a refresher from the post I left earlier:

As I said the idea though not appealing, it wasn’t a hard limit no go for me, so we’ll see how things develop over the next few weeks, if it will become something that will not work for us or if it is something we can shape into a compromise.

He is pretty much free to wear them when and however he wants with the caveat they don’t interfere with MY part of/and the frequency our P.I.V. sex life. I still expect P.I.V. on demand. I may ask him to not put it back on depending on what my plans are over a few days period.

The main reason I am willing to work with him is he stopped trying to buffalo bully me into letting him have his way and putting me in the spot of having to say no after the fact.

By that I mean, I don’t think this is ever going to appeal to me and it wouldn’t be fair for me to let him go “X” amount of days getting his hopes up thinking when “X” amount was over I was going to be just weak in the knees and all jolly about locking him back up once I was done using him for stud service. I’m not just thinking of what I have to do without; I am trying to be as fair as I can with him. I am not going to pretend like this will ever appeal to me. If something shifts and it does, then we will both be in for a happy surprise. I am willing to compromise with him.

We have both had to get past not getting a kink we want, it is how things work between us. He has no more right to demand getting this and expect me to accept and just suck it up, then I have had in the past when I made a kink request that he has said no to.


Some of his “this is why I want to try this” had some logic to it when he started telling me why he has an interest in this now. I mentioned the worry of not being able to get up the pace and worried about being able to get an erection. When he voiced this, it kind of sent me into a panic because E.D. isn’t just about a limp unit, E.D. can be a symptom of other serious health issues that come with “getting more mature”. I hadn’t noticed anything "not working" so I wondered again if I had missed something.


Another reason was just curiosity and I understand that. He said he’d been reading the sites and stories for quite a while. I don’t bird dog his porn habit because he is for the most part a sensible guy with it, but as proven here, he has his bad dog moments and this was one of them. Why did he buy three? Because the nitwit couldn’t make up his mind.

Has he tried them on or worn them? No. I have say “bless his heart here” but God only knows why I would. He said the reason he didn’t try them on: It didn’t feel right without my consent. He could drop $600.00 without my permission or even consulting me, but once he got them all the sudden he grew conscience? And that is typed with a chuckle and me shaking my head at the absurdity of that thought process and if doesn’t make sense to others, I guess you had to be there.

[Breed36]

Wondering

It sounds like you two have reached a somewhat happy compromise (not that different from the idea I proposed earlier in the thread I might add )

It really does come down to trying it or not. Then it comes down to continuing it or not.

There are plenty of members here who have engaged in chastity with their significant other for weeks, months or years and then taken a break from it for long perionds of time as well.

Nothing is written in stone and you two can chart your own course. Best of luck and keep us updated!

[locked4her55]

It isn’t just the piece of hardware that has me bugged; it is the fact he would like to go weeks, even months without having PIV sex.

Excuse the pun but I feel this quote is Key to some of the problems here.

First, my wife/KH would be off the charts if I out of the blue told her I spent $600.00 on chastity devices.

Second, if after that shock subsided I told the woman who loves PIV that I wanted "to go weeks, even months" without. Well it would really put a fork in the whole thing.

I also pretty much agree with wishful4's post and I am very much enjoying this healthy discussion.

[fuzzydunlop]

Chastity has been very episodic for us over the last almost 20 years we have know each other. I think early on it was very counterintuitive to her that I could be very turned on by her and yet get something out of being denied. I think she also thought an orgasm was a sure sign I appreciated to we and was attracted to her. The first many years we knew each other, it seemed impossible that I would ever go more than 10 or so days without climaxing.

I can see why many women would be putoff by the notion that a chaste man can become much more attentive, appreciative, helpful, etc., etc. I don't know why that is except that it all becomes eroticized for me when chaste and everything I can do for her suddenly seems fun and sexy. It isn't that I don't want to be a good guy when orgasming, it's just like some kind of spice that makes it tastier when I am not. Still, I can see how that can push some negative buttons for female partners.

Guys who are going without orgasms can also become very self obsessed about it. It has taken a lot of practice on my part to not fall into this trap.

Also, we use the honor system. Thinking I might disappoint her is the biggest motivation ocean think of, although we didnt do this early on.

We can never fully know why we or our partners find some of the crap we do hot as hell. The only thing I can say is that if you have a good partner, try to imagine what it is like to be that person. Empathy goes a long way toward pushing each other's positive buttons.

[fuzzydunlop]

I don't think a person should "need" chastity to be a "better partner" but would be lying if I said doing mundane things for my spouse isn't a lot spicier while on an "orgasm diet" as we call it. My habits tend to be better and my stress suddenly seems more manageable when I take that sexual energy and direct it to something other than climax oriented sex. I can totally understand why a partner would be suspicious and view it as an immature tit-for-tat game at first glance. It has taken a lot of years to explore that it is deeper than that. I think chastity can make a husband a better partner, so long is there is something worth working with in the first place. There is a lot of (mostly) vanilla thought out there on "seasonal celebacy" to kick the husband into shape.

[wonderingwife]

Breed wrote:

Best of luck and keep us updated!

Thank you for the well wishes.

I really do wish I could go back and redo on my first two posts, I was ready to wring his neck when I logged in here the first couple of time and like I said in another post, my initial post, the first two, really were poor judgement on my part.

I want to make it clear here: Before we could get to a point of even attempting a compromise he had to get realistic, he had to hear what I was saying to him instead of trying to change my mind.

Line for line what we ended up with as the “compromise”:

He has to accept it doesn’t appeal to me; he isn’t going to change my mind by pestering me to “read this or that”.

He has to accept I am not just dying to lock him up and I probably never will be.

He may never be in a device for more than two or three days before he has to take it off, and I’m not going to be involved in the decision process of which one he wears and my only involvement in him wearing it is to tell him to take it off or telling him he can’t be wearing one.

I am not going to be any more involved in the “T&D” process then I have in the past, what he gets when he's not locked up is what he will get when he is locked up.

He made the comment earlier today “something was better than nothing” NOW he’s getting it!
As far as updates, he isn’t in one yet and won’t be for a few days because of plans I’d made a few weeks ago. The earliest chance he’ll have to use one will be later in the week.


Lockedforher55 wrote:

Excuse the pun but I feel this quote is Key to some of the problems here.

The pun works. I wasn’t real thrilled with the amount but like I think it was Tom said something to the effect of a hobby is a hobby and sometimes where we spend our discretionary funds might seem crazy to others but if it makes us happy, then cool. I was more upset by the fact he went behind my back the way he did. He’s never done that. I know now why he did it, because he was right my answer would have been no, but even with that no, I think we could have come to the compromise we did because I would have been willing to at least hear him. I hope he learned a lesson here.

tcs wrote:

I think she also thought an orgasm was a sure sign I appreciated to we and was attracted to her.

tcs, that statement speaks volumes. I don’t discuss the kink side of my life with my day to day female friends, the conversations stay pretty much on the tame side but every woman I know has expressed that very sentiment in some form. Very astute observation and I am glad to read it here.

[fuzzydunlop]

Thanks. I meant "appreciated her". Autocorrect causes some problems.

Men can be so focused on giving their partners orgasms, but some can still have a hard time understanding why a female partner would be bothered by not getting to give the man an orgasm. It is a natural instinct to want to get your partner off. Some chaste men can be very focused on wanted to give orgasms without seeing that their partners want to see them come too.

I think this is why my wife has gotten into ruined orgasms recently. She get the satisfaction of getting me off, while doing something very kinky and mind blowing to me. It hasn't been the usual that she has take such a natural interest in some of my kinky interest. Ruined orgasms have been the exception. She has liked it when I have come inside her without thrusting during climax.

I am wired to thoroughly enjoy the surge of sex drive that comes with avoiding orgasms. This isn't for everyone. When my wife realize this, I think she started to understand how much she was pleasing me in a different way.

Have you used ruined orgasms as a way of giving him an orgasm but not really? My wife's two favorite ways of doing this have been letting go during a hand job and sitting still on me during climax. Control doesn't have to mean forgoing sex or climax.