Like a fly to poop

[Tom Allen]

I've read various blogs about FLRs/WLMs (or whatever variation you want to call it) and I am regularly surprised by the idea that in taking this on, the husband abdicates all decision-making and financial responsibility while at the same time, assuming 100% control for doing everything that needs to be done both inside and outside the house.

When I read that stuff, I just shake my head.

Dev beat me to this.

Gat, I think that the *first* question you need to ask should be to *yourself*. In other words, what is is that you expect to get out of this? What would you like to see?

Instead of trying to live up to some arbitrary rules about what an FLR should be, it sounds like you need to think more carefully about this before you try to get your wife on board.

[Kiki]

I agree with Dev and Tom. At some point, there needs to be two grownups. If there was a crisis, you would have to take action without waiting for instruction. Sometimes you have to have your own agency.

However, I do think you are onto something when you say you want to work on being less defensive. Good. Work on that. That is the kind of thing that would improve any relationship. Try to be more open to actually considering what she wants.

I doubt she wants a mindless zombie with no ideas or feelings. And I know from experience that childrearing - hell, life - is complicated. This is one of those things that you do need to figure out together. I also doubt that her shoving your face in her crotch every time you have a disagreement would actually be effective in the long term. For one thing, it isn't like she can do it when the kids are around! That is a hot idea, but you have to be realistic.

Good luck with it and thanks for trusting us enough to ask your question.

[Celtic Queen]

If someone offers you a prescriptive plan for an FLR, read it, ingest the bits that work for you then disguard the rest and whatever you do , don't part with any of your hard earned cash! A rational person wouldn't slavishly follow a "Manual for the perfect Marriage" and FLRs are absolutely no different. They are as varied and as subjective as any type of relationship but differ only because the underlying power dynamic (or even just the casting vote) has been pre negotiated. I would even be as bold to say that there are loads of folks out there living this way quite happily completely unaware of the label.

Thinking through your post, I would say that the underlying issue is that it isn't just about your submission - you are needing her to be a strong dominant to enforce this and make it happen. Now only you know what your wife is capable of being and it may well be that this just isn't her way. Anecdotally, the ratio of relationships working this way is much lower than the other way around and generalising wildly, my view is that most woman, being the collaborative, consensus building creatures that they are usually find it very difficult to turn on the inner bitch and demand control. Nice girls just aren't brought up that way and pro Dommes do a roaring trade to meet the demand. At the risk of self aggrandisement, follow the link on my post to my blog and read some of the earlier entries like " defensive domming" and " financial submission" written by me and the sub space blog entries written by my hub. It has not been easy for either of us to run our lives in this way but it does work for us. A written statement is a good start just to out all the hidden assumptions and misgivings. I would emphasise that we are not any kind of benchmark or template and we still run into choppy waters all the time - especially with all the real life stuff going on and baby generated tiredness. What I hope shows outwards though, is a couple working as a team, genuinely in love and presenting a united front to the world. How is is managed behind the closed doors is no ones's business but our own.

Oh and the followers of my blog, readers of the chastity forums that I post on etc etc

Good luck, keep posting and work through it. It is worth the time and energy to get it right.

[celticqueens_sub]

gat1207, In our FLR we liken this to a company onwership where 51% of the stake and therefore the casting vote is with CQ. But we discuss all and any event, purchase, mortgage, credit card application and things like that to the hilt. I am 100% allowed to voice and expres my opinions and if CQ thinks its good she will use that in her decision process. The key difference for us over a so called 'vanila' marriage is that CQ DOES make the final call, and if I dont agree with it.. well I had may say and I will live by her decision. An FLR in my view is just a way of us dealing with the day to day conflict that comes from two very strong personalities. I wrote a blog entry called why anf FLR? It describes why I need to live like this.

CQ and I do not offer any advice or view on what others do. It works for us and I hope that reading some of our blogs and others on here you will find a path that works for you and your wife. Like Dev says, we have a joint bank account and I do have access to it in the event of an emergency, but as I sit and type this I have no idea what is in the account or how to access it online for example. I have submitted total financial control to CQ.

I think a key factor in making an FLR work is the accepotance of her final word and authority. It is NOT easy I have struggled with it and challenged her on too many occasions ,my arse bears the brunt of that stupidity....

Good luck, work hard and as Kiki says your acknowledgement of your over defence attitude is a great start.