Dealing with being "submissive"

[Blaeu]

First let me say that I know people may use the term "submissive" differently than I am. I'm being very general here.

Basically, when I'm locked up (which has been more and more recently) and sort of fall into a submissive role, while my wife is in a more... in charge role (I think dominating is too strong a term). I have no problem with this and I find it fun. So does my wife.

However, I find that while wearing my CB it adds a tad bit a sexual energy to everything we do and some of this submissiveness leaks into those areas as well. I should also say that in many ways, I'm okay with this.

My issues is that sometimes my mind fights this. Sometimes I feel like less of a man and sometimes I feel like my opinion matters less. My wife does not feel this way and it has had no impact on our marriage, relationship, etc. There is no "problem" right now.

That said, the problem is mine. I'm trying to figure out how to overcome this hurdle as objectively I'm okay with everything, but in the moment my emotions will sometimes fight me on that. I honestly don't feel as if I should stop doing something and I don't feel I am doing anything wrong (I've thought about this a lot).

The advice I'm seeking is this:

1. Is there a way to help overcome these feelings? They are annoying. Or, is this part of being in chastity and something I need to learn to deal with?

Thanks.

[cb6000s]

There is no right or wrong answer and no advice that I know of to help you find where you are. You just have to work it out. That sounds so new agey and I hate it but that is the best I can do.

Let's say we have a modified Kinsey scale where zero is completely submissive and ten is completely dominate. Like the Kinsey scale I suspect that there is approximately 10% of the population between zero and one and 10% of the population between nine and ten. I am pretty sure the zero to one and the nine to ten people know who they are. The 80% of the rest of us just have to work it out for ourselves where we fall on the scale.

What really gets fun is that it is not just your point that you have to figure out but also the point of the keyholder or MC person. I am a three on the scale but my keyholder is a 4. We are both submissive but to different degrees so how do we get both our needs met. BTW the above example is for educational purposes only and does not reflect my personal relationship.

[kpb57]

Your wife can be of great help by making clear that, although you are locked up, she sees you as a complete, virile, strong, "manly" man. And that she appreciates the gift she gets from a self-confident partner.

This will help you put your "submissiveness" into the right context. You are not submissive like a slave is to his master, but more like a knight to his liege lord, with mutual obligations, respect, and honor.

It's always great when my wife uses the words "MY MAN" with that special emphasis.

K

[Tom Allen]

My issues is that sometimes my mind fights this. Sometimes I feel like less of a man and sometimes I feel like my opinion matters less. My wife does not feel this way and it has had no impact on our marriage, relationship, etc. There is no "problem" right now.

That said, the problem is mine. I'm trying to figure out how to overcome this hurdle as objectively I'm okay with everything, but in the moment my emotions will sometimes fight me on that. I honestly don't feel as if I should stop doing something and I don't feel I am doing anything wrong (I've thought about this a lot).

Hey Blaeu -

I understand how you feel.

Maybe reading this little essay I wrote a while back will help give you some different perspective on it:
Cock Locking

[danj]

I've had similar feelings. Especially when we first started playing with chastity (at my request). I know not all men in chastity have submissive tendencies, but I think a lot of us do. And when we are in a device, those desires increase, and I become more submissive. I fought these thoughts, then with some anxiety let my wife know about my submissive thoughts. I grew tired of hiding them. To a point, I just needed to let go and "come clean" with her. I'm the same man, no less manly, just different in that I've admitted my wish to be submissive to her. I'm not into humiliation, or any of that, and neither is she. Really, not much had changed. I pamper her, try to anticipate her wants and needs, and of course she has control of the cock. We're still figuring things out as we go, but trying to not take things too seriously, and have fun with her having the upper hand.

I guess it boils down to if it works for both of you, then it's good!

[fuzzydunlop]

I have similar feelings. This may be corny, but I like the saying "being submissive is not thinking less about yourself, but thinking about yourself less". Still, there are times when I am not quite as patient and need a little more reassurance.

[fuzzydunlop]

Positive "submissive" qualities that have nothing to do with being "male": patience, deference, humility, discipline, being charitable, being considerate...

[Keuschling]

Hi together,

i do not think that being submissive means to be a weakling. Quite to the opposite: Being submissive really demands a strong and very manly personality. As it takes a lot to endure being submissive, acting not in line with any mainstream role-model of a male that society might teach or want a male to be.

To lock a worthless male clitty simply makes no sense nor does it envoke any tension. And such tension is from my perspective essential for any relationship, especially in BDSM content, desired by anyone involved. Thus chastity if praciced in such sense has nothing to do with emasculination - although in some sense, the feeling is involved, as the primal abilities of a male to become erect and be able to penetrate are taken away. But the latter is of utmost importance: if the male was a looser anyway, there are no such abilities. And chastity then could then only be used to mask this in such case of a non-male - but this is not what chastity is about in my humble opinion.

To be submissive takes and needs much energy, especially sexual energy. A male weakling could not take it. And sexual tension only comes from denying a male with a strong sex-drive. If the sex-drive is low anyway, any relationship faces other issues that for sure chastity or chastity play will not cure.

Chaste regards,
Keuschling

[Blaeu]

Sorry for a delayed reply, I've been busy recently.

I appreciate all of the responses. Just the fact that people understand goes a long way. I also like the Knight metaphor as I think part of my problem was I was stuck into a single "definition" of submissive.

I've been locked up for about a week now, which is the longest time for me, so I've been experiencing a lot (good, bad, different). As time goes on I think I'm starting to feel more confident while being locked up. There are a lot of emotions going on now and I cannot really figure out how to put them into words at the moment, but when all is said and done it's fun.

It will be coming off on Monday as that is our one year anniversary. I'm sure it will go back on soon after that and I will get to compare the first ten days of that stretch with this one.

My mind is going all over the place, sorry. Tom, thanks for the link. I started to read it but didn't have time to finish as I wanted to post before I had to go. I'll finish up later.

Have a good day.

[Celtic Queen]

Blaeu, to get some other perspectives from guys who went through exactly what you are going through now, I'd suggest reading Dishevilled Domina's series of interviews with submissive men.

http://dishevelleddomina.wordpress.com/

You will need to put some time aside to read them all but I think you are going to find their insight useful because they have dealt with the "stage" (is it a stage - does it ever pass?) that you are going through now.
Both Tom and my hub have contributed as well as a host of other guys from a variety of backgrounds.

My hub also wrote in his section of our blog - along the lines of Tom's musings (http://celticqueen.co.uk/blogs/blog2.ph ... e-chastity).

To distill it all - if you can separate out all the cultural expectations of manly manliness and understand that the vast majority of it is complete and utter bollocks that is highly irrelevant to successful relationships, you can be free to tread your OWN path. "Submissive" is a toxic term with too much baggage and I really wish we could all collectively come up with something more noble and chivalrous to describe the process of serving your wife.

Good luck, a year seems like a long time but this is a lifetime journey.