A new guide

[Charlz]

Hi all,
I've been registered here for a long time, but I don't think I've ever actually posted. I'm more of a lurking type.

Over time I've seen many folks looking for 'starter guides' which are less on the dominance side of things, and more aligned with mostly-vanilla relationships where the partners are equal and the man is not submissive. This mostly describes my relationship, and I think might resonate with some of the members here more than on other sites.

So, I decided to create something. https://abalancedmarriage.neocities.org/ It's intended to be a no-fantasy, realistic set of thoughts on how a couple might integrate chastity into a more traditional, vanilla relationship. It is based on my relationship, of course, but I hope I was able to reasonably broaden it for wider appeal.

It's rough still, and could use much feedback, input, and constructive criticism. Right now I don't have a way of getting feedback on the site because of neocities' static design, so I hope it's OK if I ask here?

* What would you add? What would you remove?
* What do you like about it, and what not so much?
* Is this even a good idea?

Thank you!

[Mr Pickle]

It's good.

A very difficult thing is introducing this without overwhelming. There's simply too much to know or learn. From a KH side of things it does have to be simple.

I did start a thread about "In a few words".
And the key things were. Why this might be good. What you get from it. What I get from it.

The challenge was to get all of this in one breath

I have read some and run out of time.

Just a few notes from my perspective.

"

Occasionally Locked relationship is typically the first step for couples where the male first trusts his partner with the keys" .

I think it's more a case of when the Keyholder does agrees to hold the keys, on her terms and under no preasure to do so. It creates a new level of trust.

Also an emphasis that this is not something that is put onto the Keyholder ie an added burden etc.

Pushing rarely works.

Self lock is an easy way in, and discussions could be had, generally reassuring your partner that it isn't doing harm, it comfy and does no permanent damage. to the wearer. It also sets the stage for normalisation.

So self locking can still be a couples thing and may still build trust.
I my and C's case it was an essential part of gaining trust and getting her on board.

After the trickery which didn't work if course.. Or did it?

[KHEmmi]

It's good.

"

Occasionally Locked relationship is typically the first step for couples where the male first trusts his partner with the keys" .

I think it's more a case of when the Keyholder does agrees to hold the keys, on her terms and under no preasure to do so. It creates a new level of trust.

Also an emphasis that this is not something that is put onto the Keyholder ie an added burden etc.

Pushing rarely works.

I'm picking just a few words to re-quote here. That doesn't mean that I disagree with the bits that I've left out.

I think I took on the role without pressure and it was on my terms.

I also note that Herbs wrote, only this morning that he sees me "enjoying my side of the journey, and that it's not just some chore that I have to put up with". Not at all a chore, as I am getting something out of it every day. Not an added burden to use Mr Pickle's words.
I for one, wasn't pushed or rushed. I didn't jump either, but neither was I hesitant once I made up my mind.

What made it happen or work for us was (I think) that once we had decided to "give it a go" I became determined to do it properly. Not half-heartedly. If Herbi wanted to try this, then I would try it just as enthusiastically and determinedly. Maybe even more enthusiastically and determinedly than Herbi himself.

There is so much to read and take in, and to fully understand so a new guide can't be a bad thing at all.
Partly the problem is that everyone, every couple, is different.


It's only when you get into it that specific questions to your own circumstances can be answered.
Thankfully, people are willing to provide those answers.
In our case, it meant that we learnt quickly. I'm grateful for that.

That's enough of me rambling on.
Well done for putting your new guide up for us all to view.

[Tongue+groove]

Sorry for the length of this reply.

Great job! I read it through cover to cover yesterday. Wish I could have shared this with my kh/wife 6 months ago. She has come further than I could have imagined. Our ‘traditional marriage’ of sorts has had its vanilla ways as you discussed. I loved the graphics and the lack of any type of porn. Stumbling on porn is why my wife won’t research on her own and says I need to teach her how to key hold. “Locked in love” was my source of introduction to her, it worked well. All that being said you may consider adding a few things. If they are already there then my apologies for not catching them.

Sexual balance:
My wife always felt my sexual pleasure was her responsibility to satisfy. She now feels more comfortable and in powered to say, ‘Not tonight, you can wait.’ She has come to have fun with the wait. And, I have come to a greater level of anticipation. It’s awesome.

Energy:
She would also say that I have been supercharged with energy, and I have.

Orgasms:
Not sure but you may want to discuss orgasms and the many types, for both sides. Personally I have learned to have non ejaculatory full body orgasms. She is learning the art of ruined orgasms (we call incomplete, she hates the negativity of ruined).

Another source I used for me was the book “she comes first” by Ian Kerner. Been her tongue for 38 years and I still learned a thing or two.

Finally, are you going to add a testimonial section?

Thanks again for building this resource.

[KHEmmi]

Ok, I've now read this cover to cover as well.
It's easy to read. That generally means that it's well written and I think this is.
Not only easy but interesting and useful.
I think we align with the 'keyholder locked' column of the table on the 'relationship' page but that is good for us. Well, good for me as Herbi's kh but I think he would agree too.
One of the only things that I found myself disagreeing with in the whole article is that the kh locked model means a lack of relationship benefits . I would say that chastity for us using the kh locked model has brought significant benefits. Maybe I'm missing a point?

I like the 'Click on the box to see the author's comments' box and I clicked them all (of course)

One in particular outlines my own 'state of readiness' phrase (I thought I invented it but apparently not!):

"Second, she generally decides when unlocking for sex will happen. Being that the author is almost always ready and willing, and the consensual nature of the relationship requires that both partners be ready and willing, it is generally she who initiates the idea of having sex, and the subsequent unlocking."

I could use that almost word for word to describe the 'state of readiness' aspect of our own relationship:
"I decide when unlocking for sex will happen. Being that Herbi is almost always ready and willing, and the consensual nature of the relationship requires that both partners be ready and willing, it is me who initiates sex, and the subsequent unlocking."

[gungadn]

It's rough still, and could use much feedback, input, and constructive criticism.

Just a quick technical suggestion: When you finish reading a page, you have to click the menu to the left. After clicking on another page using the links to the left, the page stays scrolled to its previous position. So, when I finished reading a page, then clicked on the menu for the next page, it stayed scrolled to the bottom of the page and I didn't immediately realize there was more information.
#1 - Force it to scroll to the top of the page when clicking on a link in the menu. Should be just adding #top.
#2 - It would flow easier if you added a link to the next page at the bottom of the page.

Overall, I like it and It is refreshing to read one that doesn't immediately jump into the deep end (cuckolding / permanent / SPH / etc)

[Charlz]

Wow, thanks for all the feedback. I definitely appreciate the thoughtful replies.

I think it's more a case of when the Keyholder does agrees to hold the keys, on her terms and under no preasure to do so. It creates a new level of trust.

I agree with the comment. I will think about how to re-word that to better get that across.

@Tongue+groove , I will think about how to add the aspects of energy and balance that you mention. I was struggling with the aspects of getting into the details of orgasms, and I am currently leaning in the direction of minimizing the sex specific parts of it for now, focusing on the relationship. There are many other places that get into orgasms and, frankly, I don't consider myself that much of an expert... It would probably be better to refer to a source, I think.

@KHEmmi, I think I need to rework some of the writing around the KH locked scenario. I didn't really like a lot of it. I was trying to figure out l, through writing, how to explore and contrast the difference between a relationship that was more kh dominant (in reality or the males fantasy...) vs a more equal/balanced approach. I didn't really intend to say at the outset that there are no benefits, but yeah, it does say that. I need to rethink that.

@gungadn , I don't even notice that. My CSS and HTML skills are 20 years rusty, so I'll have to dig in and figure out how to fix that. I will add the nav links at the top and bottom... Have been holding off because I've been debating the order and didn't want to fix it 8 times as I changed my mind.

Thanks again everyone for all the input. Much appreciated.

[Holdingout1]

This is an amazingly well thought out and positive resource for the Chastity community. Oh how I wished this was available when I introduced the idea to my wife….it would have helped us to have the right conversations without bringing all the kink into the conversation. I’m likely to send it to her now since I think it covers some areas we’ve not discussed. Thank you!!

Way back a million years ago, I tried to create a similar couple friendly resource on literotica that while not nearly as well done as yours might be a non intimidating resource for you to consider. No heartache or issue if you deem it not appropriate as an add to your resource section but thought I would put it out there

Thanks for all your efforts!

https://www.literotica.com/s/erotica-guide-to-teasing

[KHEmmi]

@KHEmmi, I think I need to rework some of the writing around the KH locked scenario. I didn't really like a lot of it. I was trying to figure out l, through writing, how to explore and contrast the difference between a relationship that was more kh dominant (in reality or the males fantasy...) vs a more equal/balanced approach. I didn't really intend to say at the outset that there are no benefits, but yeah, it does say that. I need to rethink that.

Just to be clear, I wasn't being critical (except for in the most constructive way) and think it's a very well written piece of work in its entirety.

My little uncertainties were around the differences between 'default locked' and 'keyholder locked'.
For example, I would have thought that the "impact of daily life" would be more than 'small' for default locked (although maybe not as much as keyholder locked)
Also keyholder locked is likely (my opinion) to enhance intimacy so maybe "maybe" is a bit harsh.
Of course, everyone and every couple is different and may draw their lines in other places.

I still regard ourselves as "fairly new" to chastity after 3 months, but learning fast!
Ours is definitely a keyholder locked arrangement. Herbi gets no say in when he will be unlocked.
But we still communicate well and perhaps, better than before chastity. We have sessions where we can both say exactly what we want to, express our thoughts and feelings, without fear of consequences or resentment.
Outside of those sessions though, Herbi can still give his thoughts, opinions, and emotions, as long as they aren't presented in the form of complaint or just having a moan.

Well done again for your writing.
If you do revise it, I will look forward to reading it again

[gungadn]

Again, it is well written. I wish it had been available 20 years ago. I wouldn't have made so many mistakes when I tried to introduce my wife to it. I had read way too many "caught with consequences" on Altarboys' site. I made every mistake possible when introducing this to my wife.

Even your very first page, "Introduction," addressed two of the early hurdles I had to overcome.
Due to my mistakes, my wife was afraid she had married a "weak and submissive man instead of the Manly Man she thought she was marrying." Your guide addressing this and stating that these ideas are not helpful is extremely valuable! It is well written as it is, but if possible, it almost deserves a little more emphasis.
It is also very helpful you mention that it has entered the mainstream. Of course, that wasn't true 20 years ago. But, it would have helped when my wife thought this was too extreme and was very worried, "What if someone found out?"

Another technical suggestion, though: I recommend getting Grammarly (or a similar program). There are a couple of misspellings, and some phrasing could be improved to enhance readability. Grammarly has a free version. If you want to see the suggestions for the full paid version but don't want to purchase it, private message me, and we can work something out to use mine.