Not sure we can make it work...

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Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Fouineur42 » Fri Oct 04, 2019 7:07 am

Hi there.

I am new here and I've just registered (say hello) this morning.
I would like to share my thoughts and fears with you. I whish some of you will be able to give some valuable advice and help me grow in this new world.

To start and to give some context, but me and my wife are living together for 10 years.
I am the one who has brought the subject of chastity and orgasm denial.
We have decided together to start a new dynamic in our relationship a month ago. By new dynamic, I mean orgasm denial and chastity (honor system). I'm quite of a masturbator but I really enjoy to desire and focus entirely to my wife . This first month was pretty cool and I think we 've been successful in this new way of doing things. At least successful until 4 to 5 days ago.
We didn' t really have an argument but we had a discussion about chastity.

My wife told me that even if she liked to be desire and pampered, my constant arousal started to oppress her. It was too much. I she needed space and didn't want me to be stuck near her with some puppy eyes. Or look at her like she was some "food". She told me that she wants her husband not just a man that cannot think at other thing that sex. She also told me that it was very annoying to her me whine and claim some attention and tease.

On the other side, I probably have too much expectation, and i really would like she is more involve in teasing me (or edge me, or even ask for some oral for her), but she's not particularly interested. In this first month she has been quite good at teasing but no edging or extended tease. Just some kisses and words. I'd like she ask for more sex for her. I but it doesn't seem to change anything on this part.

I know that she is not into dominating and does not want to dominate me. Which is a bit of a paradox because she act as is often. But she does not want a husband that do everything like a worm and I'm not sure I want to be that man anyway.

But here am I, a bit disappointed because I'm not sure that this new way of living can work for us. I'm always under the impression that she won't be interested in teasing me(edging for example) and that it will be too much work for her.
And I'm afraid because I'm not sure that I could refrain my desire to not bother or oppress her with it. Plus the fact that by taking control of my orgasm she automatically control me (kind of) and and she doesn't want this responsibility for now at least.

I also don't want to be the only player I the relationship. I mean, yeah I give up to her the right to oragsm and I want to give her this control. But, I'm not sure it can work if I she give no attention during consecutive days and if I begin to feel alone in my denial. I need some support and to know that she like it as well. Or what is the point.

I hope some of you will have a similar experience with an happy end a d will give me some advice.
I know that my expectations are probably too high and I should certainly give her some time. But it is kinda hard not to hope and to refrain myself of asking, and claiming someore attention from her.

Sorry for this long topic written with my limited English skills.

And thanks in advance for your answers.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Lady M » Fri Oct 04, 2019 7:36 am

Hi there and welcome (again)

I'm about to leave for work but I quickly wanted to write and ask if you guys actually talked about what this dynamic would look like for you? Every relationship is different and works the way it works that is best for the couple involved. The only way to know what works is by talking and a bit of trial and error.

Do you guys have a contract, or sorts? Something laid out about how you will behave, how she will behave, rules, guidelines, etc? Those are usually a fantastic way, when first starting out, to find out what does and doesn't work. You revisit it monthly as necessary and make changes and as time goes on you may revisit it less and less.

Anyway... That's, at least one way, to get started in a thoughtful way instead of jumping into it full on and then one partner may get burnt out or overwhelmed.

Also, your wife is welcome to come here and chat with other keyholders privately. She can ask questions, ask for advice, and even express her concerns etc.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by KittensBoyToy » Fri Oct 04, 2019 11:06 am

As has been said on the forum before, you are thinking about denial of your orgasms daily but she isn't. Don't push her but let her progress at her own pace.

For us, teasing is a reward that only happens when M'Lady is in the mood and thinks I deserve it. I get frustrated sometimes about the ack of attention but it always passes. We are retired and, except for cooking the evening meal, all the chores are my responsibility. As I say to her in a daily mantra I am her submissive husband and willing slave. This does not mean I am not masculine and she would not want me to be. We both still see my role as her protector from harm.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Fouineur42 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 3:33 am

I would like to thank both of you for your answers.

Lady M:
Indeed we have talked about this new dynamic before start, but we certainly need to have another talk and adjust some things.

We do not have a contract or sor, my wife is not really into it and she is quickly bored by rules to apply at schedules, not sure it could work this way.
But i will propose it to her and the idea of revisit thoses rules monthly is a great one (at least at the beginning).

I think it is also too soon to invite her to come here to discuss, i 'm not sure she's interested in learning or have advice about chastity and keyhold, and that is that part that kind of scare me, not to be able to share this kind of life with her. Plus she's not the greatest english speaker ;)

KittensBoyToy :
you are certainly right, i think about it every moment, but she think about it few times a week probably. And I know that i should let her progress at her own pace, but those feelings of lack of attention are kinda hard to manage for now, and i'm sure i can learn to live with it.

Thanks again to both of you
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by wishful4 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 4:41 pm

Don't give up. I think a lot of men make the same mistake's you made. You are smothering her and making the relationship about your chastity rather than making chastity a part of your relationship. I may be stretching a bit, but your words give me the impression that you feel that you need more intimacy in your relationship and you think chastity will help with that. I would suggest you have an honest conversation with her, apologize for smothering her, and both of you talk about your needs and expectations. There is no magic bullet. Relationships take a lot of work. You think you have found something for you in chastity, now she has to figure out if there is something in it for her. Give her some space if she needs it, and some time.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by creampieeatin » Sat Oct 05, 2019 9:28 pm

As has been mentioned, communications is key. It may help overcome misconceptions. I also read alot in your post about what your are trying get out of all of this. It has to be a partnership and that is why the communications pieces is key. Instead of knowing what your wife doesn't want, trying focusing discussions on what she doesn't want, and try to find some common ground. My wife seems to enjoy being my keyholder and enjoys being my dom at times. That doesn't mean she doesn't think of me as masculine. She just enjoys me being willing to submit to her. Outside the home? No one would know. She also enjoys me taking charge from time to time. So, for us it is a partnership we're enjoying. But, it does take communications and that is one thing that chastity has forced me to improve on.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Steve2059 » Tue Oct 08, 2019 6:46 am

It's been mentioned by others here that a framework would help - a description of your agreement on how your chastity scene will look to each other.

You mention that your wife would become bored and annoyed by having to enforce rules, but I'm not sure that that was what Lady M meant. In my own relationship, I'm the instigator who wants the scene and She, even now, would be happy to go vanilla except that She knows I'd be unhappy and She does remember the monotony of our weekly foray into sex, previous to my chastity.

Because She is less enthusiastic than me, our framework includes rules that just apply to me permanently, not ones that She needs to enforce to a schedule. Chief among these permanent rules is that I don't pester Her for sex and that I wait for Her to instigate sex. I'm never allowed to touch her genital area unless expressly ordered to, and if I'm horny I cannot hint, verbally or by means of sighing or "That Look", that I'm gagging for action.

These and other rules are hard for me, but actually add to the intensity of our scene as I strain to obey them (and a bunch of others I won't go into here). But the aim of our agreement is to make our scene hopefully (usually) fun for Her but at the very least, bearable.

Many if not most of us here will have lots of empathy for your position since we've pretty much all had to go through this process of striking balances and not pushing our partners too far.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Chastityat60 » Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:39 pm

Welcome again. You are repeating so much of what I have been going through. Since my wife of 35 years is really not interested in chastity.. at all . Leaves me to self lock and go on showing her that my heart is to have all my sexual energy going towards her not my left hand. So I am l locked for 2-3-4 weeks at a time. I am out for a romp if she wants then back in. 24-7 since August 1. We are57 and 60. I have tried to introduce chastity for 10 years off and on. She wants a man not a sissy, she doesn't want to dominate me and I am not interested in being dominated. I just want at this point,, to be " kept for her". I use my device as an extension of my wedding band. I could and have been a regular 2-3 times s week masturbator... But without the full on support of my wife, it becomes a personal thing. To do what is on my heart.. to reinforce to myself by way of a device that I do not have the right to satisfy myself at will, without involving my wife. My life time partner. The one who I need to be faithful to. That is what it boils down to for me........ For now..
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by Fouineur42 » Fri Nov 08, 2019 3:12 pm

Hello there,

First, I would like to thank everyone for your support and advices.

I'm here today to give you some update.

About a month ago, me and my wife had a conversation about our expectations as suggested here.
I took the opportunity to repeat to her that I was sorry to be a bit pushy about all this and to overwhelm her.
She told me that she was liking this new dynamic between us but that she needed to do it her way and at her own pace.
And I have repeated that I want to have this lifestyle in order to have more sex(even if only for her) and intimacy with her than the opposite.
We have agreed to start with a rough timed release every two weeks or about.
But she doesn't want to set strict rules and prefer to be free to set them when she wants (which is the spirit I think).
By the way she accepted the 2 week time frame but she felt a bit stressed about it (the need to think and plan at precise and recurring time).
So two weeks ago I have said to her that we could go without the 2 weeks rule and that my release were totally up to her.
It kinda free her. And she told me that she felt better this way, doing what she want when she wants.
I'm a little scared to be denied for few week again. But I also prefer to be always wondering when and how and not to wait about a precise time. Plus, I'm quite sure that let her control everything can do a lot for her to enjoy this new role.

The only thing that is a problem here, is that I 'm gonna have hard time not touching, not asking, not whining, be patient enough.

But it started to go the right direction I think, she clearly have forbid me to even touch and have said to me that if I needed to discuss something about my cock, I needed to send her a well written mail.

Will come back in few weeks and told you how it evolves.

See u soon.
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Re: Not sure we can make it work...

Post by slave d » Fri Nov 08, 2019 3:39 pm

One thing MsM liked that may help your situation was the knowledge that it was now Her cock, not mine anymore !! That sense of ownership made a big difference to Her and to this day, over 5 years later, She delights in reminding me that “it’s Her cock to play with, not mine” !!

MsM’s ld
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