Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
I'm a relatively new KH. While my BF is not in chastity 100% of the time. We both are interested in heading that direction. I'm looking for someone experienced to give me tips on how to make him the best submissive that I can while keeping it fun for both of us. Any help is appreciated!
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
This is a hard question to answer without context. What’s your sexual relationship like before chastity? Where did the idea of chastity originate within your relationship? And many, many more.
Metaphor: I could tell you all about steaks, all the plusses and minuses of all the different cuts of beef, how to cook them to bring out the best of the different options, great side dishes to pair with them, and the whole time you’re thinking, ‘That’s disgusting, I’m a vegetarian.’ On the other hand, I could tell you all about the joys of Italian cooking, and you could be reading it thinking, ‘I’m a second generation Italian immigrant; you know nothing about Italian cooking.’
First, I would suggest thinking of chastity as a filter on your normal sex life. Obviously, less penetration, so more focus on foreplay, but generally speaking, keep going as normal. If he masturbates in addition to your normal sex life, you’ll need to realize you’re taking that away, so it will be helpful if you add some sort of stimulation for him, to replace that.
That’s where I’ll start the conversation. Let’s see what others say, and maybe I can add more later...
Metaphor: I could tell you all about steaks, all the plusses and minuses of all the different cuts of beef, how to cook them to bring out the best of the different options, great side dishes to pair with them, and the whole time you’re thinking, ‘That’s disgusting, I’m a vegetarian.’ On the other hand, I could tell you all about the joys of Italian cooking, and you could be reading it thinking, ‘I’m a second generation Italian immigrant; you know nothing about Italian cooking.’
First, I would suggest thinking of chastity as a filter on your normal sex life. Obviously, less penetration, so more focus on foreplay, but generally speaking, keep going as normal. If he masturbates in addition to your normal sex life, you’ll need to realize you’re taking that away, so it will be helpful if you add some sort of stimulation for him, to replace that.
That’s where I’ll start the conversation. Let’s see what others say, and maybe I can add more later...
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Tom Allen
- Site Admin
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Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
There are some good books on AMazon. Lucy Fairborne's "Chastity: A guide for keyholders" is popular for more vanilla beginners. Mistress Benay has one that's more BDSM oriented.
But if you could be a little more specific, perhaps we can help you along.
Also, you've been added to the private Keyholder forum. It's not very active, but there are a handful of experienced women who might be able to help./
But if you could be a little more specific, perhaps we can help you along.
Also, you've been added to the private Keyholder forum. It's not very active, but there are a handful of experienced women who might be able to help./
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
He brought up the idea of chastity. Our sex life was pretty vanilla. We would have sex about twice a week. Mostly initiated by him. And yes he masturbates. About once a day whether we have sex or not. (When he is not locked up of course)cuyahoga wrote: ↑Wed Aug 07, 2019 10:38 am This is a hard question to answer without context. What’s your sexual relationship like before chastity? Where did the idea of chastity originate within your relationship? And many, many more.
Metaphor: I could tell you all about steaks, all the plusses and minuses of all the different cuts of beef, how to cook them to bring out the best of the different options, great side dishes to pair with them, and the whole time you’re thinking, ‘That’s disgusting, I’m a vegetarian.’ On the other hand, I could tell you all about the joys of Italian cooking, and you could be reading it thinking, ‘I’m a second generation Italian immigrant; you know nothing about Italian cooking.’
First, I would suggest thinking of chastity as a filter on your normal sex life. Obviously, less penetration, so more focus on foreplay, but generally speaking, keep going as normal. If he masturbates in addition to your normal sex life, you’ll need to realize you’re taking that away, so it will be helpful if you add some sort of stimulation for him, to replace that.
That’s where I’ll start the conversation. Let’s see what others say, and maybe I can add more later...
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
Okay ... I was racking my brain for how to post anything, composing and decomposing advice columns on chastity ... when it hit me.
You need to talk to him.
Not like, ‘oh, you have a communication issue’, because I don’t know that. Just simply, you should ask him about this. You said keep it fun for both of you ... there’s a negotiation point right there. What’s fun for you? What’s fun for him? Where does that venn diagram overlap? You said make him the best submissive that you can. What does that mean to you? What does that mean to him?
You said mostly initiated by him. He’s pushing the sexual relationship? Are you happy with that? If he stopped, would you continue at the same pace, or would you be on a different schedule? Would he be happy with that? Could submissive activities take the place of any of that for him? Can you be dominant in a way that makes that happen? If so, what would that look like? Is it sexual, is it chores, is it foot rubs and painting your toe nails?
You said, heading in the direction of 100% of the time. Does that mean, only out of the cage for sex? Wearing the cage for a few weeks and then a few days of freedom and then back in? What are the expectations of each party here? Can the other party live with that? If it’s weeks at a time, does he get out for sex, or is he waiting five weeks to have three days of intercourse and then locked back up? (I could write four or six paragraphs of theory on defining the lockup duration. Is it a prison sentence with a light at the end of a tunnel, or is it random whim with hope always present that this could be the night?)
You said it’s been pretty vanilla ... chastity is inherently submissive. That aspect can be overcome, and there are anomalies, but on the whole, it’s pretty inherently submissive. Is him bringing this up a gateway to other submissive requests? Is he trying to get you to be more dominant, and this is a gentle push? If so, do you want to try being more dominant? What does that mean to you? What does that mean to him? Bitchy, sadistic mistress or sensual, loving goddess? Bondage? Discipline? Sadism? Any or all or a combination?
These aren’t questions you should think about answering here, but feel free if you want to. I’ll talk about this for hours. In reality, these are questions you should answer for yourself, and you should consider asking him. Open a conversation, not to conclude or decide anything, just to discover, walk away, and think.
And then later, start answering them. He might have been thinking about this stuff for years. You should give yourself time to catch up and think about it a while for yourself.
Feel free to keep asking, answering, or just talking about this. It’s my favorite subject! Also feel free to ignore all of this. I might be an idiot.
You need to talk to him.
Not like, ‘oh, you have a communication issue’, because I don’t know that. Just simply, you should ask him about this. You said keep it fun for both of you ... there’s a negotiation point right there. What’s fun for you? What’s fun for him? Where does that venn diagram overlap? You said make him the best submissive that you can. What does that mean to you? What does that mean to him?
You said mostly initiated by him. He’s pushing the sexual relationship? Are you happy with that? If he stopped, would you continue at the same pace, or would you be on a different schedule? Would he be happy with that? Could submissive activities take the place of any of that for him? Can you be dominant in a way that makes that happen? If so, what would that look like? Is it sexual, is it chores, is it foot rubs and painting your toe nails?
You said, heading in the direction of 100% of the time. Does that mean, only out of the cage for sex? Wearing the cage for a few weeks and then a few days of freedom and then back in? What are the expectations of each party here? Can the other party live with that? If it’s weeks at a time, does he get out for sex, or is he waiting five weeks to have three days of intercourse and then locked back up? (I could write four or six paragraphs of theory on defining the lockup duration. Is it a prison sentence with a light at the end of a tunnel, or is it random whim with hope always present that this could be the night?)
You said it’s been pretty vanilla ... chastity is inherently submissive. That aspect can be overcome, and there are anomalies, but on the whole, it’s pretty inherently submissive. Is him bringing this up a gateway to other submissive requests? Is he trying to get you to be more dominant, and this is a gentle push? If so, do you want to try being more dominant? What does that mean to you? What does that mean to him? Bitchy, sadistic mistress or sensual, loving goddess? Bondage? Discipline? Sadism? Any or all or a combination?
These aren’t questions you should think about answering here, but feel free if you want to. I’ll talk about this for hours. In reality, these are questions you should answer for yourself, and you should consider asking him. Open a conversation, not to conclude or decide anything, just to discover, walk away, and think.
And then later, start answering them. He might have been thinking about this stuff for years. You should give yourself time to catch up and think about it a while for yourself.
Feel free to keep asking, answering, or just talking about this. It’s my favorite subject! Also feel free to ignore all of this. I might be an idiot.
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KittensBoyToy
- Posts: 1235
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Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
Since you know about his masturbation my first question would be, how do you feel about it? Do you approve, feel cheated on, or just accept it as 'normal'? If you feel cheated on it's time for a serious discussion. How important are you and the relationship to him?
Assuming he wants to go forward with you it's time to take steps to stop, or at least limit, the masturbation. Find a device that fits properly and is easy to maintain. Most will agree that the best option is a stainless steel device with an open cage design. If you live together take all the keys. If you don't, provide him an emergency key but make sure it is sealed is a way that he can't access it without you finding out. It may take some time before he can handle being locked up for a long term. You will find suggestions on getting used to long term wear on the forum. I/we were lucky. I was locked for a few hours the first day and then
The book Tom suggested is a great starting point for you. It is how I introduced my wife to chastity. She is member on the forum and I'm sure she would be more than happy to talk and try to answer your questions. Her user name is Kitten.
Assuming he wants to go forward with you it's time to take steps to stop, or at least limit, the masturbation. Find a device that fits properly and is easy to maintain. Most will agree that the best option is a stainless steel device with an open cage design. If you live together take all the keys. If you don't, provide him an emergency key but make sure it is sealed is a way that he can't access it without you finding out. It may take some time before he can handle being locked up for a long term. You will find suggestions on getting used to long term wear on the forum. I/we were lucky. I was locked for a few hours the first day and then
The book Tom suggested is a great starting point for you. It is how I introduced my wife to chastity. She is member on the forum and I'm sure she would be more than happy to talk and try to answer your questions. Her user name is Kitten.
Kitten's Boy Toy
I'm Kitten's property and She keeps Her property secure in a Jail Bird!
I'm Kitten's property and She keeps Her property secure in a Jail Bird!
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
It's always wonderful to welcome a new Keyholder to the forum. The hardest task for my spouse was to find something in male chastity that turned her on. Also, she had quite a hard time understanding my feelings and I was not a big help for her because I was not very good at explanations. In the beginning, she cooperated because she wanted to please me and she knew it was something I wanted to try. I frequently heard statements from her like, "I'm not sure what you want me to do", or "I don't know what you want". All the time, I'm trying to make this about what she wants so there was a lot of confusion in the beginning. Reading some of the books helped her and bettering my skills at communicating helped me as well. It all sorted itself out but it took much longer than it could have. My best advice is to take the journey together, ask a lot of questions, and talk about your feelings a lot. That is easier for women and seems hard for men. Make it fun for both of you. Find something in it you like. Tell him if he is pushing too hard. Us guys can get excited about this in the early stages. Don't allow him to make the whole relationship about chastity, just make chastity a part of your relationship. We are all here to help!
Wishful4
Current Device: DhGate A271
Current Device: DhGate A271
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
More overnight thinking ... Or have you already answered most of these questions, and you came here looking for dirty suggestions of things to do to him while he’s locked up? 
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savannaarayex3
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Mon Aug 26, 2019 8:04 am
- Gender:
Re: Looking for someone experienced to give pointers
Hi,
I'm not new to chastity but new to this site and attempting to navigate it. What I really am looking for is some support and a forum where I can talk about some feelings I'm struggling with. Can anyone help point me in the right direction?
(Sorry to the OP for highkacking your post!)
I'm not new to chastity but new to this site and attempting to navigate it. What I really am looking for is some support and a forum where I can talk about some feelings I'm struggling with. Can anyone help point me in the right direction?
(Sorry to the OP for highkacking your post!)