Why Humiliation

[rps1106]

Thank you for those who have and still going to participate in my previous post about bras and panties.
I have another post to go alongside that one. The question is "if you're into this, why do you like being humiliated and what form does it take."

My wife/KH are quite new to chastity and have only been using this since February this year. However, she is finding it fun and so am I. We puely use it for the bedroom - i.e. neither of us want a FLR, she just wants me to think of her as regarding our sexual life.

From what I have read from others and what I think myself, chastity is a way of showing your love for the other person, by thinking and putting them first either sexually or within your realtionship. So if this is a love thing, how is being humiliated, showing their love to you?

This is not to say that anyone is wrong liking it, I'm just asking why do you like it and what does it do for you?

[The Grinder]

Humiliation is a form of pain. Most people will avoid humiliating situations because they hurt mentally.

What is humiliating to you might not be perceived that way by me. That's going to be true universally - humiliation is what the person experiencing it says it is, other people's opinions might not matter at all.

Masochists can redirect some types of pain/punishment and interpret it as pleasurable. Not every masochist finds humiliation play enjoyable. Not every type of humiliation is going to excite a masochist who gets excited by humiliation. We can just look at the postings around here and see the wild variation in what people think is fun. If we looked long enough I suspect we would find about anything imaginable.

Safe, sane, consentual applies to humiliation play as much as any thing physical. The wounds might not be visible, but they are potentially there.

The Grinder

[Michele]

Not everyone into chastity is into humiliation and not everyone into humiliation is into chastity.

Someone enjoying humiliation as a kink is doing just that, in my opinion. They are enjoying it as a kinky thing not doing humiliation to please a wife or partner.

Chastity is a form of bondage and for it to mean anything to a kh as a way to show love, they would need to be somewhat into bondage. Chastity is usually a 2 way street.

Anyway, I just don't think someone being into a kink like humiliation is a way of showing love.

[tqbartleby]

There are kinks, and then there's love. I think they are independent parameters. There are certainly men who fantasize about being submissive and are on the lookout for someone to dominate them, whom they don't even know yet let alone love; there are men who would like chastity play in a session with a partner who is not a loved one. On the other side, there are sadists and dominants seeking people to control and punish, without any requirement to fall in love. But if one is exploring kink in the context of a loving relationship, then it's only to be expected that the two, erotic impulse and love, will define each other.

The dictionary definition of "humiliate" is "to reduce to a lower position in one's eyes or others' eyes." Submission itself is therefore a kind of voluntary humiliation. To understand the psychological underpinnings that motivate a given person to find erotic excitement or satisfaction in this is only possible on a case-by-case basis, and tricky enough even then. It's already a big step to accept these feelings non-judgmentally; if a person can go on to find some explanation of them that seems true with relation to life history, all the better, but often it will probably be well nigh impossible, and so what?

Love-wise or relationship-wise, perhaps it makes sense not to say "I am humiliated/abased" but "the other person is exalted/elevated." One is the necessary flip side of the other. Equality remains an ideal, but in my opinion it can coexist on many levels with the submissive/dominant dynamic. After all, it (D/S) is consensual. It's only in fantasy, or in literal slavery, that we truly have no choice. Metaphorical slavery is one thing, but literal slavery is not something anyone wants.

[TwistedMister]

I just don't think someone being into a kink like humiliation is a way of showing love.

That was my first thought when I read that line too.

Although, I suppose that a masochist might perceive that his demonstration of being able to "take it" *could* equate to a demonstration of 'love' for the partner dishing it out.

Mostly though, I think it's just a kink that eroticises acts/behaviors that would normally be undesirable.

As I think more about it though, it occurs to me that 'chastity' itself (particularly in the case of enforced chastity by means of a device) could be seen as a form of 'humiliation'. I'm reminded of the use of the phrase "she has his balls in her purse", which tends to be considered a derogatory comment, and device-oriented chastity play is a literal expression of that. How many here have expressed concern about their device being detectable under their clothing by the general public? That concern would generally be based on a fear of being exposed, and humiliated, and it may often be erotic.

I've officially changed my opinion. The mind is an extremely complex thing, stimulus/response varies between individuals, and individual perceptions of one's own response vary as well, so it seems entirely possible that there are *some* people for whom humiliation play equates with an expression of 'love'.

In my own case, I prefer not to think about it on quite that level. Certain types of humiliation play cause me to be/become aroused (which is sort of humiliating itself) and that's all there is to it. 'Love' doesn't enter into it at all, it could be complete strangers (which is a component of one of my favorite fantasies) and it would still be erotic.

___________________________________________________
Edit:

TQ, it looks as though we were composing our responses at the same time, and I think (even though I'm not expressing it the same way) our opinions are remarkably similar.

[lockedsteve]

If you browse the internet you will find that chastity is often used as part of a larger fetish like cuckolding, feminization, D/s and more. Chasity on its own is not a exciting as other fetishes. After you say you are locked up, there is not much more to say that is exciting to read. Websites are built to attract as many visitors as possible and posted every day that you did not have an orgams or were teased, grows old fast.

Many also view chastity as a punishment and reward. You can see that throughout the internet. Cuckolding usings it to prevent the cuck from playing with himself while his wife is on a date or he is watching her with another man. It is also used when the cuckoldress wants to be sexually faithful to her lover who does not want the cuck to have sexual access to his wife anymore. Lots of uses.

My wife and I are like you. She is submissive in all other areas of our life except when it comes to controlling my orgasms. She does not want to dominate me outside of the bedroom. In the bedroom, she is in charge but except for the very occasional paddling fro bugging her for an orgasm, we are just a normal married couple but I wear my chastity cage 24 and have done so for almost 2 years. I am very comfortable in it now since getting used to it for so long.

Whenever I can, I try to inform others that Chasity can stand on its own merits. It is not a punishment or submission. There is a power exchange but it is limited to when and how orgasms are granted. I also inform that it is usually the man who asks for it and pretend as much as they want, they are not forced into it and escape is always possible even at worst case, a locksmith or the jaws of life are used.

You may notice that the very few chastity forums do not have the large number of daily new posts like other more popular fetish sites do. Everyone practices chastity in their own way. I go months without an orgasm and some guys are climbing the walls after 3 days. Others just get locked up in-between sex sessions so they are not denied orgasm but rather access to their penis and ability to masturbate. There is no rulebook so anyone can make up their own rules and fit chastity into their sexual lifestyle. I tried the whole FLR D/s thing and overwhelmed my petite submissive wife with all of that and chastity too. When I stripped it down to just chastity, it worked for her. Imagine your poor wife being told that all of a sudden she is going to be burdened with all decisions regarding the marriage and household and that they have to treat their husband as a sex slave or servant. As my wife said, she has no idea where to buy dominatrix clothing that comes in petite sizes.

[sissyrandi]

Without a doubt, it is purely a kink for me. I personally love humiliation play and don't get nearly enough of it, but, that's just because real life is always a lot busier than the fantasy stuff you read on the web. I know my wife loves me, and she knows I love her - we do switch roles back and forth, unlike a lot of guys here. I'm trying to get her more comfortable with being in charge for longer and longer periods, but the longest she can typically go is a couple of months before she just putters out and I end up having to take the reigns again, then we'll go a month or two and she's ready to be back "in charge."

As far as the humiliation thing goes, it doesn't have that much to do with "love" it's just sexually exciting and, for me anyway, mashes down the gas pedal on being submissive. I've been a cross dresser since the 4th grade, so I've always had girlish tendencies, so I suppose being submissive is linked to that some way. Having her come up with creative ways to humble me, test me, tease me, and torment me, makes me feel very excited and afraid at the same time, but it makes me feel special in that she's put thought and effort into these things - even if they're rather simple, she's thinking about me and I'm seriously thinking about her! And after all the challenges and humiliation, there's always reassurance, kisses, cuddling, and a lot of love - may not be that night, or that weekend, but when the time comes, it's there, and that makes the whole experience, and the anticipation of every experience to come after that, all the more exciting.

It is a kink, that's absolutely certain, but it's a kink that makes the rest of the entire world melt away and nothing exists except me and me thinking about my wife, and that's a great kink to have.

[tqbartleby]

For me, the submissive FLR thing is very hot but not *just* hot. It's also somehow right for us--it corresponds to deep-seated aspects of our psyches. I have a submissive nature, have recognized it, and go for it. My wife has more of a dominant nature and is settling into it more and more. (We have developed radar for this in other people, and often just a short time after meeting someone we will discreetly say to one another, "He's a total sub" or "What a domme she is." Meaning not their private practices, which we are ignorant of, but their personality.)

Real life often intervenes. We don't switch roles, but if she is tired and stressed, which she often can be in her job, it's too much effort for her to make a big deal out of assertive role-playing. In times like that I give her what she needs, lots of support/interest/feedback on the real life issues, plus the usual back end of cooking, housework, administrative tasks, foot rubs and relaxing oral sex, without putting my own needs/desires in the foreground. Still submissive, but transparent to her, as they say: she gets the benefits without having to even think about it. At times like that I don't mention orgasm for me... she doesn't have to deny, I just let her forget about it.

(It occurs to me that this is very like a traditional Father-Knows-Best lifestyle for married couples in the 50's and earlier, only gender-switched.)

Then when she's better rested and has more pep, we get more playful and innovative. The service part of the FLR, including orgasm control,is hot for me even when it's a slow smoldering in the background. It's when she shows her own interest in it that the flames burn bright.

[locked4her55]

escape is always possible even at worst case, a locksmith or the jaws of life are used.

YIKES!

Jaws.jpg

Ain't getting any where near "my little friend" with that.

[Locked by LRC]

Read this article from Gawker. They interview four guys and they give their insight as to why the like humiliation. For a mostly mainstream internet site, the comments weren't to bad either.
http://gawker.com/life-with-a-boy-dick- ... 709835240#