But what do I get out of this?

[wonderingwife]

Again, to all have offered advice, thank you and a thank you for the relocation, I was a bit uncomfortable with the way the dialogue had taken over the hello thread. In just the few posts I had here, I’d managed to morph into every type of poster that drives me bats both as a mod and as a participant in forums, so I do appreciate the patients everyone has offered. I’m really not a petulant “but-but-but” brat and hate the fact I came across that way.

Work kept my husband out until early a.m. but throughout the evening he had been reading. In fact I had to get some information from his iPad this morning and Tom Allen’s post was still open. He woke me just long enough to tell me we did need to talk and he was pretty embarrassed by the way he had been behaving. So we have a date this evening to have dinner out and talk to each other, not at each other.

I am more than willing to hear him out, always have been. What I wasn’t willing to do was be emotionally strong armed into giving in and just “giving it a try” because a bell can’t be “un-rung” and if I let him have his way to prove a point I could end up with a massive mess on my hands, trapped in something I don’t want to be in, if my point is missed because it is all he hoped it would be. It would be unfair of me to hand him something, his way only, to yank it out from under him. I hope that makes sense, early morning here and I don’t think I am as awake as I should be to attempt a coherent posting. There’s a lot here since I last looked in that I would like to address but that is going to need to wait until I am more alert.

“Thank yous” all around one more time. I appreciate the chance to have some people who do use this kink in their lives to discuss the matter with and I’ll let you know how the dinner talk works out.

[Tom Allen]

In fact I had to get some information from his iPad this morning and Tom Allen’s post was still open. He woke me just long enough to tell me we did need to talk and he was pretty embarrassed by the way he had been behaving.

Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, but I'd thought about it in the car on the way home, and ....

Hey, wait a minute! I don't have an iPad - I have an Android.

Anyway, no worries about the questions or the threads. I think that this has been an excellent conversation, and hopefully there will be other people who will learn from this. Please come back and let us know how things went after your conversation.

[Breed36]

If so then why not a trial run? Set a time frame for a chastity experiment say 30 days. At the end of the trial period you both revisit the subject. If you are not interested in pursuing it further then he has to accept that.

Then he has to put the three CD's up for sale on the Forum and use the money for that weekend get-a-way.

Amusing but seriously, this is missing her point. She doesn't want to give up intercourse, and doesn't want to be responsible for her husband's compliance when she lets him out. It sounds to me like Wondering has had to make a lot of accommodations for her husband in the past and is losing patience. All we've been doing is telling her "Oh, just try it," when she has already expressed that the idea just isn't appeal in to her.

Instead of a trial period in which she accommodates her husband, how about some ideas on a trial that let's him accommodate her?

Not sure i was totally clear what I meant in my post.

By suggesting a 30 day trial period I did not mean her husband would have to be locked up that whole time. I meant she would decide lockup times, orgasms, etc. A period when she was in control to whatever level she would like which by the sound of it may be merely passive engagement at best.

I mean to me it sounds like she wants him to Totally forget about the idea. That's fine but she must accept the fact he will probably have some sort of reaction that will generate tension in the relationship. On the other hand, if she acquiesces then she will likely me unhappy.

So that was the reason for my suggestion of a trial run. It sets a time frame. It sets parameters and it establishes a path for decisions for the future.

[wonderingwife]

Breed you seem to have missed this overall point I had made: We are not new to kink play as a couple; we are FLR D/s with mild BDSM. I do have control over his orgasm now. Now, as of this moment, I control where, when, how and how often, I do it without a device, without a lock and key and without the word chastity in our vocabulary and the responsibility for the key holder, that comes with this type of kink.

Maybe a better way to put this: He is asking me to give up the control I have now and have me take control in a way he wants me to. He is asking me to change the way I control his orgasm, change the routine that works for me to make it work better for him, he is expecting me to change for him without offering me anything in the deal. Does that make any more sense as to why I am not happy with the way this is playing out?

That is just my opinion and only my opinion and it will be where the conversations starts tonight,
and yes a bee in my bonnet I am still not real thrilled with the “but this will make me a better partner” mantra he has been chanting for the last few weeks. Maybe that works for some people but it doesn’t work for me, it is insulting on many levels, it sounds to me like he is saying he hasn’t been all he could be and he won't even attempt to be better if I don't let him have his way.

We have had a busy day here and haven’t had a chance to have much time in the same spot but what little bit of time we have had together, even without words, I can tell he is pretty embarrassed by the way he has behaved.

And please do not thing I am not absolutely cognizant of the weight this topic has and the possible repercussions of it not going his way. Married 17 years, lived with him for 23 years, I have seen him at his best and at his worst when he doesn’t get his way in life over all. His worst when he gets a no/doesn’t get his way, is to pout for a bit and get over it, but this time he isn’t taking no for an answer so I am profoundly aware of what the fall out of a no might be. With luck we will be able to find a compromise but he is going to have to get more pragmatic about what he is asking for, because at this point what he has in mind won’t work for me. I have no interest in a “30 day trail” that doesn’t mean I have no interest in finding a halfway point that works for both of us. And yes I was at a point I wanted him to just drop it because he was getting annoying as hell. Today, all day, the sheepish look on his face tells me he knows he crossed a line, he knows he should have had the sense to see it would having to have other point it out to him and dinner conversation tonight should be productive.

[poor]

Can I be the one to point out that he has behaved like an ungrateful brat over this. For someone in an established non-equivalent relationship he is seeking more than an opportunity to try something new. For whatever reason he is willing to risk the pleasures you share for the promise of fufilling his chastity fantasy.

Fortunately you sound more than up to the task of reminding him how much he has already.

[Locked by LRC]

I do have control over his orgasm now. Now, as of this moment, I control where, when, how and how often, I do it without a device, without a lock and key and without the word chastity in our vocabulary and the responsibility for the key holder, that comes with this type of kink.

With your statement and the aggressive way he's approaching wearing a device I would bluntly ask him one question and closely observe his reaction. Are you masturbating behind my back?

[ZalanDarkbane]

I understand how this has been stressful for you with him insistent on chastity play and not wanting to take no for an answer. From a male perspective (and one who is getting ready to purchase my first CB) I can tell you where I believe some of the desire for what he desires comes from.

He is offering to give you the most important thing in his life and let you decide fully when/where he gets to use it. For him to receive orgasm he must come to you, now, you say you already have this control, but what is stopping him from masturbating in the bathroom or elsewhere shen he wants. He is willing go give you complete say over when and how he gets to orgasm.

You say that you are primarily interested in PIV sex, with a strap on device on him, you still get pretty much that, and the real thing only when you are feeling kind enough to allow it. Thus, you get a good solid sex session, where your mate never gets to orgasm and go soft and he must continue to service you until you tell him to stop instead of when the orgasm arrives and he goes flaccid. I know it's not quite the same thing, but to his eyes, he has to earn the right to an orgasm, be it 2-3 times a week, once a week, once a month, or once every year. There are also lots of other things you can do in a punishment/maintenance sense to either get rid of his seminal fluid, or give him an orgasm that is not satisfying, only to lock him right back in the belt until you feel like opening the package again. A nice evil thing you could do is give him a full prostate milking where it drains all of his fluid, and then giving him 10-20 minutes to try and reach orgasm, before the bag of frozen peas comes out and he gets locked back up. Failed orgasms are another devious thing, he gets to actually experience an orgasm, but due to you leaving him hanging right at the end (with his hands safely secured out of the way) but he gets no pleasure from the event, then he is locked back up for a few more days.

The wearing of the CB is a constant reminder that he is locked up. It is always there, he can feel the weight constantly, he can feel it rubbing inside his pants, he can see the bulge in his pants and has to worry about others seeing it, even though it is highly unlikely anyone will see it, he has to sit down to urinate, any sexual thought will cause him to start to try and 'rise' only to be held in check by the belt. Thus, even though it is a device designed to eliminate his orgasm, it is a CONSTANT reminder that it is there, he's constantly horny and frustrated, which means he is willing to do almost anything to earn a reprieve from his prison, even if only for a few moments. Why he says he will be more attentive is based on this. For a male, most of our sexuality is based around our penis, once it is satisfied the session can often end (think of the classic joke of the male orgasming and then falling asleep, his mate's needs left unfulfilled) With chastity, he doesn't get to orgasm until you are done, you can even be fully satisfied, and leave him frustrated. Unlocking him is a kindness, and that kindness can only come from you. You can put all kinds of conditions on it, cuddling, watching chick flicks, going to the opera, things he isn't very interested in but he feels that he must do in order to achieve release.

Now I understand that this seems pretty heavy and a lot of work, but it can also be a lot of fun. Sarah over at http://www.malechastityblog.com/ (I got the address for here from one of her mails, so I hope it's ok to link to her site) Had her husband approach her years ago in much the stumbling over demanding way as your
own husband has. She has a lot of advice for the women who just got blindsided by this request, you probably were referred to there in a personal message from someone else, but if not, go there and read up a bit if you are willing to. There is a wealth of information and she will mail you daily tips and give you a free ebook to read as well if you want it.

Some other things, people have said on other forums that the first 2 weeks of a chastity session are the hardest, after that it gets easier due to repetition of not getting any, so you have a good time frame for play. Also, it takes a while for a belt/body to get broken in for longer term usage. It can take up to a month or longer of short sessions as the sizing options are perfected, proper care and cleaning are learned, etc. Apparently trying to sleep in the belt for the first few times will lead to some uncomfortable nights. You can't just buy a belt, strap it on and go for a week, pure fantasy. It starts out from what I understand as a few hours here and there, then during the day a few times, an overnight trial which will probably end up with the belt needing to be removed at 3 am due to overnight tumescence, then successful overnights (still getting woken up and having to wait for the 'swelling' to go down, and basically building up to being able to wear it for a full 24 hours, then a few days, and then possibly a week. Honestly only a 30 day trial might only get him out of the break in period.

Finally, be aware, he isn't doing this because he is dissatisfied with you, and he's not doing this to hurt you, this kink has piqued his interest, and the idea is bouncing around his head like an itch he cannot scratch. It is a form of submission that he really wants to experience and it is a very powerful concept. In effect taking away your own access and control of your sexual organs to another person. It's kinky as hell, very submissive. If you agree to it, don't let him dom from the bottom.

Hoping that this is readable and that I didn't break many rules here, I just signed up here today and I'm a newbie, as I said, I haven't even gotten my first belt yet!

[poor]

ZDB: Not broken any rules (came close when you mentioned 'opera' though) but you've assumed a heck of a lot and projected more tropes her way. As you have yet to be disappointed by the mundane side of being locked up, this appears a tad full-on from my POV.

What you have caught (and illustrated to us) is the thrill of the fantasy BEFORE you have to actualise it. Hope it lives up to your expectations if you ever do.

[TwistedMister]

I've been following this thread and some things come to mind: One is that coming to a forum full of male chastity enthusiasts for advice on how to get someone to stop talking about it is kind of like going to a bar to get advice on how to stop drinking- it doesn't surprise me that a lot of the responses are suggesting giving it a try.

Another, is that, Wondering, your reaction and attitude that you have displayed seems a little 'over the top' to me. If you *already* have a D/s relationship and you *already* control his orgasms, then the wearing of a chastity device is only a minor change- it's just a piece of hardware that is a physical reminder of the control you *already* exercise. Is that such a bad thing? It can still come off when *you* want it to. It seems to me that it is simply an *extension* of your control rather than an addition to it.

So his current kink is having a piece of hardware locked on his junk that is a constant physical reminder of your control, which actually gives you a little more control because it prevents him from stimulating himself at all without your permission (rather than just controlling his orgasms). Is this *really* such a bad thing? He has obviously been thinking about this for a while, long enough to order (and probably try out) some devices so it has some importance to him, perhaps even as a way of a further demonstration of his submission to you rather than just something he wants for himself.

If he *wants* to be 'better' for you, and he thinks that this will help him to be 'better', perhaps it will. Maybe there is something in him that causes him to think that his current 'performance' (for lack of a better word) is insufficient and he wants to improve it, with your help. Again, I ask, is this such a 'bad' thing?

Is there any harm in adding this to your current practices? Frankly, I would think you might be better off thinking of ways that you can have some fun with it by integrating it, ways to enhance the control you already have, rather than asking for advice on how to 'slap him down'. Can you not think of any ways to use it to your advantage? Do you *really* have to ask "What's in it for me?" Are you really that lacking in imagination? Or are you 'stuck' on the fact that he began exploring this kink without your 'permission'? Did he need your permission? Do you desire that much control? If so, then your response is incongruous with that desire.

[Tom Allen]

Ditto what poor said.

Not to jump all over you, Z, but you pretty much listed every bad male chastity trope a 5 minute Google search would turn up, with the possible exception of "It will make you feel more secure in your relationship because you know he can't cheat on you." Wonderingwife's husband has already presented this kind of stuff to her; what *she* is saying is that they already have an FLR relationship, and most of those points are non-issues for her.

She already has the control (and since she hasn't mentioned wanking in her half-dozen well-written posts, we can assume it's a non-issue). Her concern doesn't seem to be that her husband wants to try it and she's unsure about the idea; rather, it's more that her husband seems to want this full-blown chastity fantasy (that looks to be taken from reading too much Altairboy fiction, IMO) that creates a lot of work for her with no discernible benefit.

Now that I think about it, your post compresses many of those various websites that are written to convince women why their husbands/partners "need" to be locked up into just a few paragraphs of stereotypes. Are men as a class really such self-centered dickheads? If this were true, how would our species manage to propagate?

And the bit about men leaving their partner unfulfilled after sex? Really? Are we back in the 1960s?

This isn't a dig at you, by any means. It's obvious that many of those web sites are written by guys who are either not in a relationship, or who have been in nothing but bad relationships. Seriously, you don't (for example) go to the opera :shudder: because you want an orgasm, you go because in a good relationship you try to do things with your partner because it builds intimacy.

We're cutting you some slack because you're a newb. But seriously, listen to us: all of the stuff that you've been reading? Do your best to forget it. Chastity will not give you a better relationship; rather, it's a shared activity that will enhance a relationship that's already good.