Why Santa Don't Come Here
One cold Christmas Eve 'bout 10 years back I got woke up just after midnight. Something done got up on the roof and was just raising all kinds of a racket. I thought it must be some pesky squirrels or maybe a couple of 'coons had got in the attic and I rolled over to go back to sleep. Nope! Ma wasn't having none of that so it's git up, put on my jeans, grab the scatter gun and go out in the cold to check it out.
Now understand I been working over a bottle of Jack earlier on so I wasn't thinking (or seeing) just real clear. So here I am pissed off, half dressed, and barefoot traipsing around in the cold figuring just to run off some varmints that done woke me up. What I found up on the roof top sure 'nuff had me sobered up right quick.
Some fat dude was stompin' around on top of my house. If'n that weren't enough, he somehow managed to get this funny looking pick-em-up on the roof, too. To put the icing on the cake, he was pushing a little herd of funny looking deer. He must of ran 'em a fur piece cause they shore weren't no White Tails like we have around these parts.
Now it's deer season and I still got both my tags so I done what comes naturally and took down the lead buck! Got the little fat guy all upset. He done commenced to jumpin' around and hollering and fussing at me. Did my best to calm him down but he weren't having none of it. Finally told him if yore gonna run a herd of deer across Texas in the middle of deer season you best plan to loose a couple of 'em.
'Bout this time the lights next door came on and I told the little guy he best be gittin' on out of here afore Bubba or Billy Bob come out and decide to thin his herd down a bit more for him. Just to make him hurry up I let go another shot of buckshot over his head. That did the trick and he jumped up in that thar funny looking pick-em-up so fast he done lost his hat.
Next thing I know, he's off to the sky with them deer like a scene out of 'Back to the Future'. Later on I found out what I had done and who the little guy was.
And that, folks, is why Santa don't come to see me no more!
P.S. I wear that hat ever year around this time hoping he'll come back for it. I really would like to tell the little guy I'm sorry.
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