Chastity-like interaction is not that uncommon...

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Chastity-like interaction is not that uncommon...

Post by atticus » Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:11 am

In an effort to explain my views regarding some of thumper's and dev's posts about the effects of "enforced" chastity in a relationship I'd like to elaborate on my view of chasity so far.

Maybe it's best to begin with a view of the situation of your basic modern, westernalized couple (you know: the invititation to the cinema, the kiss at the door, the fumbling around in the car, the marriage, the 20-inch-dildo-pegging... well maybe not that :)), following the path that the lies in the movies provide us to script our lives.

It seems inevitable that after a certain period of boisterous fluid-exchange - that at first satisfies both partners - a well-known (power-)structure evolves:

The male partner, selflessly bearing the brunt of the reproductive initiative (or, expressing it somewhat differently, being the hornier one by far) will be inclined on a daily basis to offer his semen to his newly acquired wife, no matter the work involved. He is more often than not, over a period of years, meeted with abating enthusiasm on her part and feels forced to become creative in order to keep up with his duties. At this point, the female parts of society - notably those in long-lasting relationships - would tell me that a number of measures could somewhat help achieve this; usually, with a certain air of helplessness, measures of a floristic, domestic and hygienic nature are suggested to the male concerned, who, unable to stem the change in the relationship, but also unable to ignore his hard-wired urges, tries to follow them as best he can, or, in the worst case, to the letter.

It is - more or less - in this manner that we arrive at something resembling the following crudely described state of affairs:

He wants sexual gratification, but needs her to do it (more on that below) and tries what he can to "convince her" by catering to unspoken necessities that he thinks she harbors and which begin to feel like coercions or willful restrictions to him.
She does not always want to, but acknowledges that he does, and tries what she can out of just as unspoken desires and necessities.

So this is one progression that has had extensive coverage in the media:

He feels forced to do all kinds of things to "get it", and she feels forced to "give it". Normally, this happens without being spoken about - which is actually the worst case already, because it leads to unspoken resentments and feelings of frustration and guilt on both sides.

Also, the male gets to know (wheter or not he realizes it) that in order to achieve Maximum Sexual Gratification (this deserves an abbreviation, I'll call it MSG :)) he is quite dependend on his wife. The alternatives that are suggested (by the male parts of society, this time) are, as any healthy male knows, not really a solution: Handjobs, hookers, unfaithfulness and so on; whatever he thinks of can hardly compete with an enthusiastic, loving wife who knows from years of experience how to push just the right buttons and is even willing to do it.
After a few years of this, thoughts in the way of "How easy it'd be for her to do it!" and "Why would she just not give me what I need?" are a staple of the daily quiet desperation in the sex life of a hormonally healty, but maybe somewhat egocentrically short-sighted young male.

With respect to my inability to express a genuine female view of the matter, I have so far tried to convey the male part of it. The female part, as I gather, runs somewhere along these lines:

She realizes after a while that he wants more from her than she can give - physically, that is. Following a desire to be a good spouse (or, later, feelings of guilt or fear of losing him) she complied at first - maybe even making the right noises at the right time for him - but gradually feeling incarcerated in a relationship where he is being recieved as "wanting only the one thing" - which, ironically, often leads to her not getting any real MSG, btw.

The solutions that routinely suggest themselves to wifes in this situation (Headaches, stressful days, increasingly sharp comments and so on) do nothing to alleviate the feelings of guilt or inadequacy that led her to comply in the first place.

Both of these somewhat dysfunctional strategies, the male and the female ones, help to cement a culture where both parts do not communicate their needs directly and outspokenly but indirectly, by overtones, insinuations and wordless actions. Imagine turned backs, forbiddingly positioned pillows and angry looks, if you like.

I hope the stage is set.

Enter chastity.

At first, it seems like the male is giving up his right to experience sexual pleasures (which is,btw, quite untrue, as anyone who has really craved his wife after some time in a dry spell can readily attest).

What it does, however, is to put the notion that MSG is in the hands of your wife, as it already was before, into sharp relief. It casts the so far unspoken nature of the aforementioned relationship into steel (or plastic), thus making it possible to speak about it, regulate it and - for the male - surrender to it.

Especially those men among us, who harbor a certain kind of ... well ... egocentric behaviour, who are easily feeling hurt or affronted and who maintain a - possibly, could it be? - inflated ego, are apt to profit from such an arrangement. After all, a lot of the reasons we subconsciously fantasize why she wouldn't do what we want her to with that six milkbottles and a tuning fork (mainly nagging self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy) become faceable when it's only due to our arrangement and the unyielding nature of a steel tube that MSG can now not be achieved (Pheew, and I thought it had to do with my ____________ or my being ____________).

In short, while men are hard-wired to like orgasms and not hard-wired to like the necessary attention, the courting and the surrendering (to her being able to give and take away the MSG), it seems to be quite the other way round for women. She does like the attention, courting and, yes, the surrendering (read some Jane Austen, if you do not believe me) to the point of hard-wiredness.

Manually relieving the pressure that makes men malleable to this course of nature (vulgo: wanking), while being of a temporarily satisfiyng nature, only reinforces a circle where the woman feels unfulfilled in her needs (attention, courting, surrendering) and less receptive to his hard-wired needs. Dev had something to say about that, which turned into a discussion of whether or not excessive masturbation (as if that were possible :)) is an addiction. I think not (and most responsible psychologists are careful to speak of primary bodily functions as addictions... huge can of worms in sight), but it nevertheless is able to damage a relationship, in more ways than the aforementioned manner.

All this is, of course, a gross simplification. I feel that a treatise in the magnitude of a (not so) small thesis could be written about the psychological impact that beginning this lifestyle entrails, only by concentrating on the interactions of the couple without touching on themes as hormonal changes and sociological implications at all.

Well, maybe later...

Feel free to comment,
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Re: Chastity-like interaction is not that uncommon...

Post by Jimi123 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 8:03 am

Well said! Factor in some hormone type issues as the couple ages. The male may have less drive to do the things needed to "woo" the women. Turns to masturbation / porn as quick reliefs. The women views this all as rejection, gets angry and when sex does happen it becomes a "just GET IT OVER with!" and the man feels worse about his needs, more anger and he feels rejection.

The admission that the women is the focus (Not wanking or porn) and things will certainly change. The part of this where the women feels some personal liberation from being "used" for sex? And then her turning around to a sex (hers) positive mood? The joy of "couples" sex rather then just "his" getting off or her "putting out" mode.

It gets confused because some people are not doing this for this reason. Younger people who are into submission (I know - older people can be as well) or S&M or have sexual ID issues etc.
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