Asking seems simple enough but..

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cshorts
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by cshorts »

I have a somewhat similar situation. My wife almost never initiated a conversation about sex. When I did, she generally won't shut it down immediately, but her participation tended to be limited to short comments, and the discussion usually fizzled out fairly quickly (and was somewhat one-sided).

Things have gotten *somewhat* better the past few years. One strategy I use that helps a lot is to start conversations away (in time and place) from sexytime. Usually while we're chatting on the living room couch (which is off limits for play because it's right in front of a window facing the street). I think if it's clear that I'm not seeking sex right *now*, and that this is just a conversation, it releases some of the stress and she feels more comfortable engaging.

Another well-known strategy that I've gotten better at employing: use "I" words, not "you" words. "I feel X ....", "I would really enjoy experiencing ...", "I know it's inside my head, but I feel neglected lately because ..." Less threatening, doesn't shift the burden.

And finally, we've started an indirect strategy that she seems very comfortable with. She's a big reader, and belongs to a book club. So we started our own. On Sunday mornings, we start our play time (after I feed her breakfast in bed) with me giving her a foot massage ... typically for 90 minutes (I'm a service sub :) We now read a chapter of a book about relationships or sex each week, and discuss it while I'm giving her the footrub. (This *does* violate the separation from sexytime strategy, as we're both naked and after footrub we always have some type of sexual encounter. I think the fact that it's a book conversation helps her be in her comfort zone.) We went through _Five Love Languages_; now we're working through Nagoski's _Come as You Are_.

Of course, I think it might also help that I'm caged 24/7 for the past four years, and she has learned that she's in control ... so that even if I bring up a sex topic (whether or no I was trying to lead to sex), she doesn't need to engage if she doesn't want to.

Not saying that it's all roses -- she still doesn't initiate sex conversations, and still is less comfortable during them than I am. But we've made a lot of progress.
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cshorts
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by cshorts »

PS: Irony! Just as I was finishing my note, my wife came from taking a nap and wanted to talk about sex! (She was a bit unhappy about how she handled a situation ... I won't go into details here as this isn't my journey blog)
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inchastityat127
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by inchastityat127 »

While we’re pretty new, starting “full-time” in July of 2021, one thing I’ve learned is she prefers talking, over reading, texts, books, or articles. One reason is that she teaches college and reading feels like work to her. I would rather her read something so I don’t have to express it face-to-face. That is not my strong point.

With that being said, any talk of Chasity, a penis, or any sex related act will immediately turn her off. I have to wait for her to initiate the conversation. Which isn’t very often.

While it’s less than ideal to me, I have been locked full-time since 21 October, and she has admitted that she likes me this way. I consider that success with a very vanilla wife.
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Sam3655
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Sam3655 »

I liked Tom’s response about not using terms like strap-on or pegging. My wife likes control so I do need to work things in a fun way for her that she is in charge. She likes to really squeeze my balls but lately a trigger finger has weakened her hand that she can’t sustain any good squeezes. She also enjoys watching those 90 day fiancé shows and we joke about making a drinking game each time someone says “like”. I recently ordered a ball crusher which is two plexiglass plates with a hinge and screws to tighten the plates together. Normally this would be a nope, no way on her part. But I told her about it and thought it would be fun to snug it on and then watch 90 day fiancé and she can turn the screws one turn each time “like” is said and see if I can make it to the end of the show. This was met with a heck yeah from her. And then her control took over as the show is doing a four part tell all. The first show is one turn for each like and if I make it to the end of the show without tapping out, she says she gets two turns for each like on part two and three turns for part three.

So because I would like to introduce strap-on play of me wearing it while caged and got a hard no, nope and even a nada. I have taken Tom’s advice and bought her a dildo. But not any dildo. A six inch non scary looking dildo in green. Her favorite color. Hoping to get her comfortable with it to introduce the harness. Dildo is compatible.
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Steve2059
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Steve2059 »

My wife isn't a big communicator, though things are much better than a few years ago, or even before in our vanilla days.

Since She took over our sex life as part of our FLR, and the rule is I do as I'm told and what I'm told, and initiate nothing, it's become clear to me that stuff we used to do and which I really liked wasn't stuff She was fussed about, but I'd initiate it and She'd, presumably, go along with it. Some examples are:
- Oral sex - I do it far more often, several times a week, and for longer, but She rarely fellates me, and then for only a few seconds.
- Mutual masturbation - She might "start things off" but then She prefers to supervise me doing myself, but for a limited time and very rarely to a ruin. I'm not allowed to touch Her genitals without a direct command, and this happens less than monthly.
- PIV - this happens quite often when I'm uncaged, but is very regulated. I'm not allowed to cum anyway, so ejaculation inside her hasn't happened for some years.
- Anal - She likes to finger my "pussy" and penetrate me with fingers and a variety of toys. This is usually how I receive sexual pleasure and how I orgasm (with permission). But strictly no strap-ons, She hates them. I haven't touched Her anus since our FLR began.
- Cuddling and petting - She loves this and makes time daily for a naked cuddle in bed, but strictly above the waist for me. This is when She's most communicative and open and we can chat most frankly.

My point in going into such detail is that the stuff we do is not at all what I envisaged us doing before chastity/T&D/FLR. For a good while I missed several of the things we did in the Old Days, and still do but to a degree. She knows I'll do anything I'm told, and that I'd very much like to be told to do some acts which are now almost historical. Ain't gonna happen but it's what I signed up for. Anything else risks topping from the bottom, and that has always ended very badly for me.
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Mr Pickle
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Mr Pickle »

OK.
I had to use all my good boy points (equivalent to 5 edging sessions) to get C to give me 15 minutes of her time.

For her to read my romantic plea for strap-on play and to discuss it with me.

C read it and said "I think you need a different woman. "
"What? How did you get to that point before we even start talking?"

"I thought you was happy, That I was enough, but you want more. So I'm obviously not enough, or what we do isn't good enough"

"I didn't say anything like that? I love what we have"

"If that was true you wouldn't need to ask for more, I'm not happy. You have a penis. Don't you like using your penis with me? "

"Yes if course I do? But I also love toy fucking you. You keep me locked when I'm doing that. This is just the same but with a bit more passion"

"So I'm not passionate enough?"

"Oh my god. I didn't say that"

"Well it sounds like going down on me isn't passionate and fucking me with your real dick doesn't work for you either"

"look. Can we just pretend you didn't read it and I didn't write it and just carry on as normal"

"With me as a Failiure"

So. Two hours later I managed to convince C to carry on as if it never happened.

Oh but this will be on her mind for the next fuck knows how long.

Not my best result.
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Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" :(
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Mr Pickle
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Mr Pickle »

So. By morning everything back to normal, and totally forgotten about. I didnt actually make any ground that I'm aware of?
Often this stuff kinda sinks in a bit. If nothing else C should see I'm consistent Now C seems to get the 'I get off on being sexually frustrated'. So I'll try that approach instead. And use the word foxing as an opening because I know that will get a "Foxing? What is this?".

I'm sure there must be a way to say "this would make me happy, can you let me do this for me?"

But not yet. I'm in thin enough ice as it is.
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Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" :(
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Mr Pickle
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Mr Pickle »

In a surprise twist. C has said she will think about letting me wear the harness/strapon (see my journey).

She doesn't get why I want to?
The way she sees it is 'I have a dick. If I want to play with one she can unlock me".
I'm not good at describing why I would enjoy this more than being let out. Its about frustration being so horny. Being released just isn't the same.
So how do I explain in minimum words why this would be so exciting and pleasing to me?
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Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" :(
Sam3655
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Sam3655 »

Because the harness will free up your hands to give her even greater pleasure which in turn gives you greater pleasure.

Let me know if that works as I am planning to use that line when I feel the opportunity is right to bring the subject back up.
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Mr Pickle
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Re: Asking seems simple enough but..

Post by Mr Pickle »

Sam3655 wrote: Wed Jan 25, 2023 3:56 pm Because the harness will free up your hands to give her even greater pleasure which in turn gives you greater pleasure.
Been down that route "I'd love to hold you while toy fucking you, squeeze your breasts, kiss your neck. It really turns me on thinking about it. Your so fucking hot"

It doesn't bypass the fact that she could just let me out to do it and surely it would be better.
It doesn't help that I'm not small at near 8" so I can't use that angle.
She finds the idea a bit scary because I can't feel how deep I'm going with the toy.

C is considering it. For me, not for her. But it doesn't make sense to her. Physically it doesn't.

Like she says "I have a dick. Use that one"

I want to explain how this would benefit me, psychologically, excitingly, kinkally etc. Why it would be better for me. Why it excites me?

I'm actually considering asking if I can wear it next time I'm sent down there (locked). With no intention of using it. Just to enjoy wearing it, and let C get used to the idea?

I know it's all about the frustration and being horny. I get this when I'm allowed out and denied an orgasm or when I'm edged and locked back up.

The question is 'why would I want this rather than coming out to fuck her'

How to make it make sense?
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Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" :(
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