How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

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shyguy
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How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by shyguy »

I'd be interested to hear how those locked got started if their key holder was initially reluctant to indulge in the kink.

Also if you are a key holder that didn't want to play in the beginning what was it that changed your mind?
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Nikki6
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by Nikki6 »

Well, the biggest question is why she's reluctant. My husband is endlessly inventive with sex and I've usually gone along with his ideas because they usually work out pretty well. Not that I have not said 'no' to some things, but we do well together.

He asked for chastity several years ago, and I gave it a go but ultimately stopped it both times we tried because it became all about him trying to get me to do what he wanted, while making it out to be what I wanted, which it wasn't.

So this year he asked to try it again, and I told him 'OK' but that he was going to have to completely give up control. I didn't want to hear that I was letting him cum too often or not often enough, or that I wasn't strict enough, or that I needed to do this or that. It was hard for him, but once he gave up control, chastity has really taken off for us. The changes in him, and the change I feel about how we have sex, both have worked to supercharge my sex drive. So were having a lot more and better sex, even though he's coming a lot less.

So one suggestion to a reluctant keyholder is to let her run the chastity however she wants, and really do it. Put her in charge and then back off and let her be in charge. But that assumes she's willing to go that far. Why does she say she is reluctant?
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shyguy
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by shyguy »

Nikki6 wrote: Sun Aug 21, 2022 6:55 am Well, the biggest question is why she's reluctant. My husband is endlessly inventive with sex and I've usually gone along with his ideas because they usually work out pretty well. Not that I have not said 'no' to some things, but we do well together.

He asked for chastity several years ago, and I gave it a go but ultimately stopped it both times we tried because it became all about him trying to get me to do what he wanted, while making it out to be what I wanted, which it wasn't.

So this year he asked to try it again, and I told him 'OK' but that he was going to have to completely give up control. I didn't want to hear that I was letting him cum too often or not often enough, or that I wasn't strict enough, or that I needed to do this or that. It was hard for him, but once he gave up control, chastity has really taken off for us. The changes in him, and the change I feel about how we have sex, both have worked to supercharge my sex drive. So were having a lot more and better sex, even though he's coming a lot less.

So one suggestion to a reluctant keyholder is to let her run the chastity however she wants, and really do it. Put her in charge and then back off and let her be in charge. But that assumes she's willing to go that far. Why does she say she is reluctant?
That is a good question. I don't really know why she is reluctant. I have asked and have had various answers such as she doesn't want to be responsible for the key, she wants spontaneous sex without having to fumble to unlock me, and that the device must hurt me. I've come up with solutions and answers to these but she still doesn't want me to wear it. So I think there must be a deeper reason hence my question to see what obstacles other couples have overcome. We barely ever have sex since she is almost never in the mood. In a good year I might get to have some kind of sex with her once or twice. Admittedly these times are spontaneous but her point about fumbling to unlock me is still a decoy excuse to my mind.

My feeling is she has such a low libido that she does not want to think about sex and since this is a sex game she wants nothing to do with it. I had several months being locked and let her control it completely and she just left me alone and frustrated. Our dynamic is not very sexual although I would really, really like it to be. It would be heaven if her sex drive got supercharged. If I'm feeling horny and she senses it she tells me to take a cold shower or something. She doesn't want me to masturbate but at the same time she doesn't want sex either. I can't be adventurous with her as she simply won't even do anything sexual for me. She is a staunch feminist and won't be coerced into sex when she does not want it. Her words.

Anyway, I was trying to not make this about my specific situation. I want to see what might make her change her mind and start to want sex again. Since she does not want me to masturbate and I am struggling with the honour system I really need to be caged again.
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Nikki6
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by Nikki6 »

shyguy wrote: Sun Aug 21, 2022 2:46 pm My feeling is she has such a low libido that she does not want to think about sex and since this is a sex game she wants nothing to do with it.
I think that's it in a nutshell. Your question is about chastity, but really this is getting the cart way out in front of the horse. If you ask "How do I get my nominally sexual wife into a new kink when she is skeptical?", that's a question that can be addressed here.

But you're kind of asking "How do I get my asexual wife interested in kink play?" And the answer to that is "You have to address the lack of sexual interest first." Full stop. She is never going to be interested in chastity if she isn't interested in sex.

I'd suggest looking into both a sex-positive Ob-Gyn (meaning one who will treat women with lack of libido) and a therapist. But all of that assumes she would be interested / willing to address her lack of sexual desire. What does she think about that?
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shyguy
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by shyguy »

I've tried for several years to get her desire sparked again without success. She did visit a therapist for her low libido and was given guidance and a list of medication. She did nothing with it.

You are of course right about getting ahead of myself. I just don't know what course to take. I thought chastity would show her my commitment. I know when I self-pleasure I get moody and resentful which doesn't help but I can't stop myself when it's many months between intimacy with her. And yes, I have explained this to her and she doesn't get it.
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SteveOD
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by SteveOD »

What worked for us was going on the honor system first. I explained about Tantric Sex and how much it intensifies orgasms when you do have them. However, you are not asking her to delay her orgasms but would like to try delaying yours. Just tell her not to let you come during sex the next time and after a week when you do come, make a big deal of it saying how much more intense it was and the best you ever had. Thank her for helping you delay it.

We did this for two months and then I said I wanted to try waiting longer but would need help. I explained how chastity is so popular that you can buy the devices on Amazon and some drug store websites. I told my wife it all allow me to wait two weeks for an orgasm but we will still have sex regularly except only she gets to orgasms but all the other stuff still is there. Then I told her I wanted to try a waiting a month and showed her a CB6000 and bought it. The rest is history as we are in our 11th year now.

This may not be considered nice but what you want to do is condition her with positive re-enforcement. Thank her when she stops you from coming. Say nothing when she allows you to come. When you are denied the orgasm be extra nice to her do some chores that she normally does and show her how sexy she is to you each day you go without. When she lets you come, act distant and not as nice as usual for a few days. You want her to see how much better you are denied. Also she will learn how much better sex can be when you use vibrator. Once they get one, you cannot compete.

You can still perform oral on her and she can peg you. You can put a dildo over your cage and she can have intercourse with you. There is plenty to do that does not involve an orgasm. I am at the point that I feel fully sexually satisfied when my wife comes. I feel her shake and her her scream. Then I ask her if she wants it again and she says yes, It may take awhile for your wife to overcome two things:

1. Guilt in denying you orgasms when she can see how horny you are. Failure of performing wifely duties.
2. Unhappy about it because many women measure how sexual attractive they are by how hard they can make your penis and how quickly they can make you come.

You need to help her learn that by denying you she is satisfying you sexually and by giving you orgasm she is not. Suggest she judge how sexy she is by how horny she can make you and show your love by how long you are willing to give up your orgasms.

Just act lousy after your orgasm for a few days and act great and loving when she denies you, Thanks for denying, Silence for letting you come. If she asks, say it was OK but not worth losing the horny felling you have for her. Not worth 10 seconds to fell lousy, start all over again and lose all that sexual energy you have for her. We tried three times before it worked and it is now our lifestyle.
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Mr Pickle
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by Mr Pickle »

In short. I tried to trick my wife into it.
That didn't go well, I was only fooling myself.
What did work however was behaviour modification.
I tried to work out exactly who my wife wanted me to be, and made more of an effort to be that person. Helpful, considerate, nice, confident and never argumentative or grumpy.
When ever she mentioned my being 'so nice' or spoiling her I would blame being locked for my ridiculous soft headed behavior. If I was grouchy I would apologise and say I hadn't got it locked up (both regardless of if it were locked or not).
This was very subtle, I didn't go on about it or push, but eventually one day something clicked. I was tired and not being agreeable. My wife said "have you got that 'thing on'? When I replied No, she said" well you should put it on, your nicer"
This was kind of a ureka moment and there was still a long way to go, but still?

The thing here is, I wasn't actually being deliberately grouchy or deliberately nice etc. I was trying to be better always and the wife became used to the better behaviour.
I just blamed the cage or lack of if the wife mentioned my mood, the day, being spoiled etc.
I genuinely wanted to be a better person to her and my behavior changed simply because my habits changed and I became a better person, husband, dad etc.
My wife truly sees the cage as the cause, but in all honesty the cause is wanting to be a better man end of.
My wife has embraced the cage and is now using denial as a tool to mould me or get her own way and I'll be honest in saying I really don't know that this was my goal, I'm getting less and less of what I wanted, my wife is getting more.
My question may soon be "after she becomes the confident keyholder and can ignore my needs. how do I reign it back in? "
Last edited by Mr Pickle on Sat Sep 03, 2022 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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TwistedMister
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Re: How did you get started if the key holder was reluctant?

Post by TwistedMister »

Mr Pickle wrote: Thu Sep 01, 2022 3:58 am ..."after she becomes the confident keyholder and can ignore you needs. how do you reign it back in? "
It's a one-way ticket.

BCWYWF
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04/07/19 "And then I 'punished' you by making you lick my pussy after I let my other 'boy' fuck me." --Mrs. Twisted
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