This is something I can really relate to. There was a time when I had got to this place, especially when we were working lots of hours and/or on opposite shifts. It was just 'easier' to take care of it myself when I got horny. Then, when she was feeling 'frisky' and made advances, I would get angry and pull away because I wasn't 'in the mood'. She would feel that I was angry at/with *her*, which would make her feel bad and 'undesired', but I was really angry at myself and not her...though she couldn't discern that and I couldn't explain it to her. It caused a considerable amount of tension between us."Many of us get to a point where it is simply easier to pleasure ourselves, self-service our own fantasies and spend energy chasing that high that doesn't involve someone else. We have all done it and to a point, it can be healthy as any sexual expression but then it becomes an addiction or 'just simpler' to not have involve someone else.
She's busy. She's having her period. She's tired. She's mad. She's <insert 100 excuses here>. I'm horny and I want that urge to ejaculate to go away so I know how to fix it. It is easy and usually pretty quick so why not?"
When I discovered the idea of device-enforced 'chastity' it seemed like a good solution to keep me 'ready' for her, and I also found that the idea of having control taken away from me was very 'hot'.
I never had a problem like this, maybe because I didn't consider it a 'performance' which could be subject to anxiety. I never worried about whether I would be 'terrible' or not, my focus was on exploring and seeing how she responded to what. I knew what would get *me* off, I just needed to figure out what would get *her* off*** and it was lots of fun to find out. I got (get) pleasure from exploring and giving pleasure- focusing on her and making sure that she got what she needed meant that I would get what I needed in the end and we would both be satisfied.Maybe this is off topic but I have always been terrible I bed the first times with someone new. Takes a few times to become safe and find you’re way around this new persons body.
***(Not all women respond the same to the same things, and even the same woman can respond differently at different times. *Every* time can be a new 'exploration' to see what combination of 'buttons' are needing to be 'pushed' to get the best response. You have to pay attention to her reactions to see what is 'doing it' for her at that moment. Even after more than 30 years it is never 'routine', each time is always a new experience and the fun is in finding out what does it for her the best *this* time.)
I don't think that total elimination of porn is necessarily the answer. In fact, my wife and I both enjoy a bit of porn to get us going. Caging can be helpful, but for me it's not a big 'turn on' by itself- the *big* 'turn on' is when *she* is driving it and *she* is 'in control'.JimR wrote: ↑Mon Nov 01, 2021 4:39 pm
From my perspective, total elimination of porn is the important first step. Caging between opportunities for sex may very well help with ED and any performance anxiety. I know for me, its a total turn on. If ED continues to be an issue, prescription meds, and physical help, via cock rings, pump, and even splint type devices (available on Amazon..really) might help, until you feel more comfortable with your performance. Good luck.
Don't look at it as a 'performance'. Focus on what she wants/needs at the time and giving it to her, and it doesn't necessarily have to be your dick. Lips, tongue,fingers, hands, and imagination can go a long way, what you do (or don't do) with your dick is only a small part of the equation.
I don't necessarily have a great deal of 'stamina'- I can't fuck for hours, but if I can get her off a time or two or three before my dick comes into play, then even if I don't 'last' very long it's still all good. She's satisfied, I'm satisfied, and it all worked out and we had fun doing it.