New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

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Papageno
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Papageno »

It would interesting to know more about what was the relationship with his ex. What caused the relationship to break apart? Obviously not him cheating if he was locked :) . Was it that he was expecting more teasing?
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Keyholder_V
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Keyholder_V »

Papageno wrote: Mon Jan 11, 2021 2:54 pm It would interesting to know more about what was the relationship with his ex. What caused the relationship to break apart? Obviously not him cheating if he was locked :) . Was it that he was expecting more teasing?
He's a very easy-going guy and it seems that his ex "took advantage" of this. I believe that the bedroom-related stuff was probably mostly his suggestion, but she was quite controlling in daily life. I don't know her personally but she sounded quite snappy and insecure based on what I've heard. To be honest, it doesn't seem that this was a problem for him (or maybe he can't hear himself when he talks about it) and I doubt it was much of a factor in the break-up.

Lol indeed, cheating was not a factor in the breakup. It was more to do with some unresolvable political differences - let's just say he was a "remainer" with regards to Brexit... Nothing to do with their "lifestyle".

Just as a brief update, he asked for the keys last weekend and I asked him if he was sure because it wasn't time yet. He didn't say anything more about it.

Since people mentioned it before, I have been looking out for differences in behaviour, and I've spotted at least one - I haven't had to cook so far this year... Works for me. :)

V
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TwistedMister
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by TwistedMister »

Keyholder_V wrote: Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:36 am
Since people mentioned it before, I have been looking out for differences in behaviour, and I've spotted at least one - I haven't had to cook so far this year... Works for me. :)

V
LOL!

I've always done the bulk of the cooking around here, since I'm the better cook. I've been cooking since I was about 11 and took the 'Home Ec' course in the 7th grade, at a time when it was practically unheard of for a guy to do that. My thought was "What better way to get myself away with 30+ chicks and no competition?" It came in handy in the Army, I could even make C-rations taste good using a fold-up Sterno-stove with plastic explosive for fuel. (C-4 PE will not blow up if you light it on fire, it will burn in a controlled manner. It will only blow up using a detonator {blasting cap}...which is why I always laugh at stupid movies/TV when they have a bomb with PE and they 'don't know' which wire to cut- no need to cut wires, just pull out the damn blasting caps.)

The Mrs. never really learned to cook much, until I showed her a few things. She does, however, bake some very good pies.
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Obmon
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Obmon »

Honestly.. I say don't do it. You are too close to him and also not interested.. It's a bad combination.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are in any danger at all.

But you are at risk of deep emotional involvement on his part. You are not a service on the internet. You are flesh and blood, everyday. You put the keys directly into his hands when you give it to him.

Now.. You could become a domme and keyholder for him and retain no physical sexual contact.. As little as helping to stick to a schedule up to a more serious D/s relationship (think Rolph and Mistress May in Bonding). But that is up to you.

Do not believe that your involvement will not grow and likely move past your current comfort zone if you take his keys. I can only speak for myself, but chastity can be pretty mentally intense at times and the focus in this case will obviously be you.
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cshorts
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by cshorts »

Yes, a "PA" is a Prince Albert piercing.

@gungadn above said this may not be the best forum for you. I *think* he meant you might not find it the best suited, since most folks here are partnered. But you are *very* welcome -- I don't think he was shunning you, and certainly that's not the spirit of this community. As @Tom Allen, our chief mod, said, this is intended as an adult, mature place for people to have honest, relaxed discussions about anything to do with chastity, and anyone interested in that (which it appears you are) is very welcome.

I agree with the comments of @TwistedMister (and others), so much I'm going to repeat a bit. Whatever your roommate may find himself *wanting* from you, it is 100% up to you what you actually do. Both because you are a human being, and should never have to engage in activity with another (especially sexual) without full consent. But also especially in this situation, because he is (at least in some dimensions), submissive. This is a "power exchange" kink for most, and what he has asked is that you take some control. What control you take, where you draw the line, is entirely up to you, and ironically, as others point out, he may even get more turned on by your denial.

This does create some risk for your platonic roommate relationship of course: if he asks for more (e.g., that you watch him while cleaning so he doesn't jerk off) and you say no, that may arouse him and he might ask for more (perhaps to get you to deny him more!), and you may not want him to even ask. Be clear and firm in whatever you want: if you want him to not talk about it, or ask for anything more than the keyholding to which you agreed, tell him so. As others point out, you can always take away what you've already given him if he doesn't comply (you can give him back the keys).

Of course, things could get uncomfortable between you as roommates if he wants more and you refuse. But that's true of *any* roommate situation. Indeed, I'm a bit surprised that he hasn't hit on you already (chastity or no) as you've been living together for 2 years, and for the past 10 months largely in isolation from any other humans. Given that he hasn't, seems to me that he is a reasonably respectful bloke, and hopefully this favor you are doing him won't backfire. In the end, of course, it's your apartment, you can always kick him out.

Cleaning frequency: With an open (e.g., "birdcage") style, many of us find that it is easy to keep clean for indefinite periods of lockup (I typically go 2-3 months between uncagings now, and hygiene has not been a problem, according to my keyholder who likes to go down on me when I'm caged, so she would know!). But if someone wants to remain cleanshaven, and gets itchy when growing out, weekly may be the right frequency. It also seems to be a matter of taste (or neurosis): some folks with open cages still seem to think they need it off weekly for a more thorough washing.
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Lockedchef
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Lockedchef »

Keyholder_V wrote: Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:36 am
Papageno wrote: Mon Jan 11, 2021 2:54 pm It would interesting to know more about what was the relationship with his ex. What caused the relationship to break apart? Obviously not him cheating if he was locked :) . Was it that he was expecting more teasing?
He's a very easy-going guy and it seems that his ex "took advantage" of this. I believe that the bedroom-related stuff was probably mostly his suggestion, but she was quite controlling in daily life. I don't know her personally but she sounded quite snappy and insecure based on what I've heard. To be honest, it doesn't seem that this was a problem for him (or maybe he can't hear himself when he talks about it) and I doubt it was much of a factor in the break-up.

Lol indeed, cheating was not a factor in the breakup. It was more to do with some unresolvable political differences - let's just say he was a "remainer" with regards to Brexit... Nothing to do with their "lifestyle".

Just as a brief update, he asked for the keys last weekend and I asked him if he was sure because it wasn't time yet. He didn't say anything more about it.

Since people mentioned it before, I have been looking out for differences in behaviour, and I've spotted at least one - I haven't had to cook so far this year... Works for me. :)

V
Any updates?
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Jon Descer
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Jon Descer »

Coming at this late, but this is a weird thing to me, and might be troublesome. I say this because while I am currently self-locked with a time-lock safe, and it sorts of works, it's really just for playing around a little. I want a keyholder, but by that, I mean a girlfriend, someone to spoil, someone to tease me. It would give my chastity a goal and a purpose. So, therefore, I would never ask for someone else to hold a key in this kind of situation. I mean, maybe it'd be a thrill for a weekend, but not long term. If I just wanted to be locked, I'd figure out a way to do it myself (you can always mail the keys to yourself, or leave it at a friend's house, or something). If I gave it a woman...well, I'd be interested in her. It would force a change in the way I see her, and likely our dynamic. It'd be hard for me to continue being not-even-friends if she literally held the key to my junk. I'd fantasize about it. I'd always wonder if there was something more, if she would warm up to being more involved, etc.

I am not saying he'd be violent or anything, but emotionally, I can't help but predict that no matter how he tries, he's going to change how he sees you over this arrangement. If you were a paid service or a professional domme, that might be one thing, but the woman he lives with? Yeah, that's risky. Especially over stuff like what you said happened, him asking for the key early. If you want the job of keyholder, you sort of need to say no, or at least make him give a reason, maybe even evidence. That's your role, you decide. Now, maybe he had a doctor's appointment or something, which is justified, but if he starts getting the key from you whenever he's frustrated, or if he starts taking care of himself every week in the shower when he gets the key, he might start feeling unfulfilled with the cage, because you're not "doing it right", and you don't want him to resent you or put pressure on you. But if you play into the role of keyholder more, well, read what I said above. Other posters have said "You are in control!" because you have the key, but you can't control someone's feelings, and I'm sure you don't want things to awkward or to hurt him emotionally somehow, especially if he's raw from his ex. Because if he is submissive, and you have him locked in chastity...it might not seem like much, but that's some definite vulnerability there. You could hurt him and not know it.

So...man, I don't know. I might actually suggest a contract. I know chastity contracts are like a fetish thing, and I'm not saying it has to be real (like, legally binding), but maybe laying out some rules in print that you both agree to would help keep things professional. You said he's cooking, and that's cool; maybe make him "pay" you for your services with a list of chores. Set rules for when he can get the key and why. Set time limits. I realize this sounds like more involvement, not less, but by laying it out very clearly that this is what is happening and ALL that is happening, you can hopefully keep things under control. Put in things like he can't talk about it unless you bring it up, there's a medical issue (chafing, pinching, something broke), or he needs the key for an approved reason, for example. You might also inquire about the other key; there's always two. There are a few reasons for this; if he lost one, it's probably not wise for you to have the only other one on your person. He needs to have access to one for emergencies. But if he has the other key and it's just in his pocket, well, he's not really locked up; he's not getting the effect he claims to want, so either he's unfulfilled (and perhaps afraid to bring it up), or he doesn't actually want you to be a real keyholder, it was just a turn-on to give it to you. There are ways to handle that second key; mine is in a metal tube, with a metal wire through it, which hooks into a brass piece with a serial number on it; you could get a picture of that and ask for him to show it to you at any time, and verify that the wire is unbroken and the number is the same. The website Male Chastity Now (MCN) is where I bought mine. But anyway, you get the idea; set the boundaries, try to make it as much like a business arrangement as possible, make sure you both view things as consensual but not "involved".
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Keyholder_V
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Keyholder_V »

Lockedchef wrote: Mon Feb 15, 2021 8:10 am Any updates?
Thanks for the nicely thought out responses, all. I'm glad to find a welcoming forum where this topic can be discussed maturely.

To give a brief update on the situation itself, he had the keys the weekend before last and once again it was pretty straightforward and uneventful in itself, but for a week or so before that he did start to get a bit "desperate", but this manifested itself as quite obviously trying to get "in my good books" - just the way that dinner was layed on the table, the glass of wine, etc etc. He didn't openly ask for the keys early, but I think that's where he was coming from.

I really like the idea of a written agreement now, but internet searches come back with only very colourful suggestions - I think I will try my hand at writing something more appropriate as I agree that having clearly defined boundaries is going to help keep this under control.

I've always been relaxed about pornography as a source for fun ideas, but until the turn of this year hasn't had an interest or knowledge about done of the "heavier" topics, but chastity is something I'm starting to find quite exciting. I do still wonder about my ability to bring it up and apply it in a real relationship, but it's definitely a lifestyle which I find interesting... If anything this experience has made the conversation much easier if a future boyfriend chooses to suggest it :).

As for being flatmates for two years and nothing happening, I would put that down to a combination of things. We've both come out of relationships wanting a break, but also he's younger than me and I'm not his "type" as far as the evidence goes - he's only ever been with white English girls, and I'm not that. From my point of view, he's younger than me, which in itself would be a bit taboo for my parents. In any case, we are really good friends and I'm glad to say that this hasn't changed over the last month-and-a-bit.
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Tom Allen »

But if you play into the role of keyholder more, well, read what I said above. Other posters have said "You are in control!" because you have the key, but you can't control someone's feelings, and I'm sure you don't want things to awkward or to hurt him emotionally somehow, especially if he's raw from his ex. Because if he is submissive, and you have him locked in chastity...it might not seem like much, but that's some definite vulnerability there. You could hurt him and not know it.
But there's also the aspect that he may enjoy the idea of a dispassionate keyholder; that is, someone who will hold him accountable, but can't otherwise be swayed or influenced.
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Jon Descer
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Re: New to this - Keyholding for a tenant.

Post by Jon Descer »

Tom Allen wrote: Fri Feb 19, 2021 10:02 am
But if you play into the role of keyholder more, well, read what I said above. Other posters have said "You are in control!" because you have the key, but you can't control someone's feelings, and I'm sure you don't want things to awkward or to hurt him emotionally somehow, especially if he's raw from his ex. Because if he is submissive, and you have him locked in chastity...it might not seem like much, but that's some definite vulnerability there. You could hurt him and not know it.
But there's also the aspect that he may enjoy the idea of a dispassionate keyholder; that is, someone who will hold him accountable, but can't otherwise be swayed or influenced.
Sure, I get it. But it's easy to get one's feelings muddled when you start muddling the lines of sex, romance, submissiveness. Not that I want to exaggerate this particular situation, but for an extreme example, look at Stockholm Syndrome. I've never had anything like this situation, but I have certainly developed feelings for women that I didn't expect or intend to, and it made things...complicated. And I've seen it happen to others (I had a platonic lady friend that ran into this a few times). That's why I suggested the contract, just to really set the boundaries, and let both parties outline precisely what they are agreeing to.
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