How to tell her not to stop the denial

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Beard
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Beard »

I love the insight. I'm so new to this lifestyle. I feel like there's so much for me to learn. When we got married, she had told me that she didn't want me to masturbate anymore. And... well... I did anyway, in secret. Bad me, bad! But this is a new start. This weekend, I'm going to tell her how much I've wanted to masturbate since my denial began. But I'm also going to thank her for not letting me, and promise never to do it again without her permission.

While I'm on the subject, what's everyone's take on self edging? Some folks don't seem to think it's as bad as masturbating. Some think it's practically the same thing. I've done some of that and OMG it's been so freaking amazing. But should I be? In my mind, it's just making the frustration worse, so it might actually be a good thing. Or is it?

More questions to follow, I'm sure!
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Schnoff
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Schnoff »

Right, thanks for pointing out that we all have different ideas of what "masturbation" is. Usually it does mean "to the point of orgasm". In my world, masturbation is any stimulation of my genitals that could lead to orgasm - so stroking, tens units, vibrators, etc.

Your mileage will vary. This is something to experiment with. For the first few years, I would have gone absolute bonkers if I hadn't had the option to edge. I thought the yearning for genital pleasure would otherwise be completely unbearable.

But - for me at least - I learned that I cannot edge and refrain from orgasm for any length of time. At one point I came every 1 and a half to 2 weeks, the average was about 6-7 weeks of edging without orgasm, and the longest I managed was 14 weeks.
When I stroke myself, I can't stop in time. I might think I stop in time, but then 5-10 seconds later I ejaculate. That doesn't happen when my partner strokes me.

Right now, when I say I don't masturbate, I mean I don't edge, stroke, vibrate, or do anything that could lead to orgasm. I do squeeze and fondle, quite a bit. Which is technically masturbation as well, just with no possibility of orgasm :).

It's been a boon to my relationship. One, I can think clearer, because I am not preoccupied with desire to edge myself during the day. Two, my partner feels more secure in truly owning my orgasm, because I don't do anything that could lead to one.

And, this may not be right for you. At this time, or ever. Early in our journey, I think being told I wasn't allowed to edge would have led to resentment. I needed to learn on my own that no, I can't edge and refrain from orgasm, no matter how good I get at recognizing the edge - I'll go over, eventually, even when I think I'm well away from it. Others report they can edge and refrain from orgasm, for years.
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Beard
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Beard »

Like, I want to ask her how she feels about it, but I don't want to overwhelm her when we're only just starting to get into it. I've read so many accounts now, where guys do that. She's been so freaking cool about it all. So I don't want to push it.

Maybe this weekend, I'll tell her about how desperate I've been and thank her not letting me masturbate. And next weekend I'll bring up weather or not I'm allowed to edge. One thing a week shouldn't be too much, right?
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Schnoff
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Schnoff »

Something you can try is be very candid about your feelings. That you're excited, but also nervous to talk to her, for fear of pushing her away, when you enjoy so much how your relationship is evolving. Or whatever is true for you, of course. If you have fears, voice them. Being vulnerable towards your wife may just lead to a level of communication you didn't have before.
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cuyahoga
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by cuyahoga »

Schnoff wrote:
Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:16 am
Something you can try is be very candid about your feelings. That you're excited, but also nervous to talk to her, for fear of pushing her away, when you enjoy so much how your relationship is evolving. Or whatever is true for you, of course. If you have fears, voice them. Being vulnerable towards your wife may just lead to a level of communication you didn't have before.
I second this completely. Telling my wife that I felt I had very limited ways to communicate with her, and asking her for suggestions on how to communicate with her, made her see things she hadn’t seen, and got her involved in the solution, which made the solution better and more successful.
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sklavenAJ
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by sklavenAJ »

Omg... I'm totally feeling ALL of this. How did it go?
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Beard
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Beard »

Just to be clear, my wifey has been nothing but super cool and supportive about everything I've ever needed to talk to her about. This gut wrenching apprehension I suffer from is in no way her fault. It's all in my head, I suppose. I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing here. And I sure as hell don't want to push things too fast. Right now, I'm still flying high that I told her what I wanted and she didn't call me a fruitloop.

And I have talked to her about it in the past and she's always been like, "Look, just say whatever the fuck it is. It's fine." (My wifey is very vulgar) And it's never not been fine.

I feel like I'm past the first and biggest hurtle of telling her that I want chastity. Now I have a series of (thankfully much smaller) hurtles to overcome. The first of which, is to tell her how desperate I've been between teasings and how amazing that has felt. She of course knows how much I enjoy the teasing part. She couldn't not know that. But I've found that the frustrated stretches between teasing is an amazing part of the journy as well.

I dunno how much is too much here, but I was laying in bed and I felt this... wave come over me. I wasn't touching myself or anything but I legit had to fight not to freaking moan! This has happened a few times now. Has anyone else experienced this? I haven't read about it anywhere.

So many thoughts and feelings. I'll try to get them in order and post again, later.
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Schnoff
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Schnoff »

> I wasn't touching myself or anything but I legit had to fight not to freaking moan!

Yup, I've experienced that. You'll have that for a while. I find that I calm down around week 4 or 6 or so.

> This gut wrenching apprehension I suffer from is in no way her fault.

Oh, I wasn't suggesting it was, in any way! I was suggesting you own the emotion - which you do, which is great - and tell her about it, because that creates intimacy. So it's "I feel this", and in no way ever "I feel this and it's your fault". Of course it ain't.
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Beard
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Beard »

My first official tease day is this weekend. I'm so excited. It's like it's Christmas eve or something. But I don't even know if it's tomorrow or Sunday. Gods, it's driving me mad. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight!
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Beard
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Re: How to tell her not to stop the denial

Post by Beard »

So, after walking around all day, unable to think about anything other than, "Will I be teased tonight or tomorrow night" I finally found myself laying in the bed next to my wifey. And she rolls over and looks at me all knowingly and say, "I know what you're thinking about." Long pause, "Tomorrow night."

Oh my gawd!!! Tomorrow's going to be so hard, lol. Pun intended.
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