Struggling with some feelings

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savannaarayex3
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Struggling with some feelings

Post by savannaarayex3 » Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am

Not new to this but I am feeling some things towards my partner that I really dont like as a result of his sexual needs and desires.

To give a little background, I'm from a super religious family and a small town where sexual desires are temptations from the devil and all that nonsense. I never felt like I was allowed to explore my sexuality, especially being a woman. It made me super insecure and my previous partners didnt help. Because of all of this, it's made the sex life between me and my current partner challenging to say the least. I feel like I've come a long way but there are some recent things that have come up that I'm struggling to deal with and its causing me to feel things towards him that I dont want but dont know why i feel them and how to change it.

I'm totally on board with the chastity and stuff. It was a shock at first and took some getting used to but I've actually found a way for me to enjoy it as well. With some of the other kink stuff that hes wanting to do I'm having a really hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him and disgusted by him, which makes me feel ashamed of myself and absolutely disgusted with myself and honestly hate myself. I feel distant and withdrawn and quite frankly just lost. I dont have friends or anyone to talk to other than him and I cant tell him this. Hes been patient with me. I'm not sure if this is because of some residual morality issues from the BS I was fed as a kid, insecurity, fear, etc. I really just am looking for any guidance at all because I feel like I'm losing myself.

We've been together for 5 years and have an amazing relationship and are perfectly aligned in all aspects besides this. I really dont want to lose him or my feelings for him. Please anyone out there with any advice, its greatly appreciated.
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Tom Allen
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by Tom Allen » Mon Aug 26, 2019 11:10 am

Hi Savanna -

First, welcome to the forums. I moved your post to this subforum because you posted in the blog area.

It can be very difficult to overcome an upbringing in which sexuality is viewed with shame, and turn it into one in which sexuality is a beautiful gift to be shared and explored. I'm going to give you some links to websites run by Christian women who understand this, and have written about this. They aren't kink related, but they may help you in general.

http://marriedchristiansex.com

https://hotholyhumorous.com

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com

https://thexycode.com

https://www.the-generous-wife.com
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by Schnoff » Mon Aug 26, 2019 1:01 pm

In addition to the resources Tom linked, which, of course he has those handy! :), consider going to a local “munch”? They are social meets in a vanilla setting - usually a restaurant - of local kinky people. You may overcome the revulsion and shame when you can connect it to people you know and like.
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by Naljeans » Mon Aug 26, 2019 3:35 pm

This is a good place to work through such concerns, as I imagine many of us have dealt with some variant of those experiences and feelings. I know I have, and I only regret that I tried to suppress my interests for so long. Communication is critical and trying to be non-judgmental. Without knowing specifics, I can add that kinks and interests generally don’t define someone as a person nor do they reflect some sort of good v. evil.
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by _lj_ » Tue Aug 27, 2019 4:28 am

I suspect I may be a bit further along the line towards BDSM than most of the people on this site (apologies if that sounds judgemental, it isn't intended to be, after all the mantra of BDSM is YKIOK = Your Kink Is OK)

The OP doesn't describe the "other kink stuff" which she finds difficult, so anything I say has to be a generalisation.

All of us have "hard limits", things we do not wish to experience under any circumstances (for example I don't want anything that is inside my skin getting let out, so no knives, cutting or needles, and absolutely nothing to do with excretory products). Then there are things we are not sure about but initially don't want to experience, but might be persuaded to try, you could call these "soft limits".

This means there is a spectrum, from the "never" through "possibly" to "bring it on".

Apparently the majority of people have tried bondage in some form - perhaps a loose binding with a scarf. It isn't very far from that to doing the job more effectively, provided it is done with care and the next big BDSM concept - consensuality.

If I tie someone (yes I have, lots of them, male and female) it is with their clear consent, as well as a discussion on what they are happy with, plus another BDSM concept, a "safe word" A safe word can be anything you both agree and understand. Uttering the safeword means "STOP" followed by release from any bondage, and preferably a quiet chat as to what was wrong. This rule is inviolable and mandatory.

So my advice to the OP is TALK to your husband. Explain your concerns, your limits and discuss what he would like to do, and see if you can reach common ground. There may well be some things that immediately hit the "safe word" level, so he should accept these as off the list of possible activity.

Having introduced several newbies into BDSM (I was a Munch Organiser for 6 years) I know that patience is imperative, so the OP's husband must slow down, suggest some play that is acceptable at the very softest end of the limits, and for the OP to try the play out with an open mind. For example, without any bondage, massaging her bare back with a fur glove, a gentle brush, scratching gently with a comb, touching with an ice-cube - alternated randomly this introduces different and unexpected sensations. Repeated another time, but with gentle bondage would change the perceptions. Diving in with chains and a cane will not achieve the desired result - though surprisingly it is often quite easy to go from zero to that in a few months (yes, I've done that as well).

All as long as the pair talk, without judgement. All kink is for fun, chastity is kink - forget the bull$hit about forced chastity etc, that's fantasy (or abuse), it's erotic foreplay, as others on this site have written.

Why some of us are kinky and others not is beyond me, but again, we are on a spectrum. We are moulded by our background, upbringing and a random set of circumstances, and as society frowns on anything that is not "normal" it is difficult to explore kinky desires or interests. The "Fifty Shades of Grey" books introduced a lot of people to the BDSM world, albeit with a very poor portrayal of real BDSM, and that caused a good number of people to explore the kink world. But as homosexuality is only just becoming acceptable in many countries, I expect it will be quite a while before you can safely walk the street in kink clothing, carrying a whip!
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by KittensBoyToy » Tue Aug 27, 2019 10:18 am

The same as others, I find an response hard to make. Without knowing specifics it is hard to give a lot of advice. Start with chastity. If he approached you, which I assume he did, and asked you to lock him up then he has offered you control. Take control! I don't mean you should tell him it will be your way all the way but let him know you are in charge. You can discuss his desires with him but make sure he knows the final decision is yours. Let him know that you have hard limits that cannot be crossed.

We often see men advised to let their wives/girlfriends progress at their own pace. Apply that to yourself and proceed at a pace that keeps you comfortable but don't be afraid to try anything new. You may find you like things that you thought were beyond your safety net and your hard limits may change. If not, YOU are still in charge and can stop at any time.

Indulging any and all of his desires/fantasies is giving him control and allowing him to 'top from the bottom'. Make sure he understands that that is not acceptable.
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by Jon Descer » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:42 pm

As a person who has gone to therapy for troublesome thoughts from my own childhood, I would recommend talking to a professional. Doesn't mean your crazy, they can just help you figure out exactly what you're feeling and why, and help you put it in context and work through it. You don't have to take your partner, you can just go alone, at least at first, and get some guidance. It may be personal bias but I am huge believer in the help mental health professionals can offer, please consider it. The kind of feelings you are mentioning can destroy relationships and I'd hate to hear that.
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by mr_faithful » Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:40 pm

savannaarayex3 wrote:
Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am
With some of the other kink stuff that hes wanting to do I'm having a really hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him and disgusted by him, which makes me feel ashamed of myself and absolutely disgusted with myself and honestly hate myself.
Maybe you should reconsider whether you were actually told BS as a kid. Maybe they were trying to warn you about this. I could be wrong, but overwhelming shame and disgust are big red flags, and when I read your post it sounds like someone trying to cope.
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Jon Descer
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by Jon Descer » Fri Sep 06, 2019 9:57 pm

mr_faithful wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:40 pm
savannaarayex3 wrote:
Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:57 am
With some of the other kink stuff that hes wanting to do I'm having a really hard time coping. I feel overwhelmed, ashamed of him and disgusted by him, which makes me feel ashamed of myself and absolutely disgusted with myself and honestly hate myself.
Maybe you should reconsider whether you were actually told BS as a kid. Maybe they were trying to warn you about this. I could be wrong, but overwhelming shame and disgust are big red flags, and when I read your post it sounds like someone trying to cope.
Eh, I highly doubt her religious folks specifically taught her that choking and golden showers are bad, they probably didn't get into that kind of detail. Unless the kinks in question are actually harmful, like things that could get her arrested or fired from her job or cause physical damage, there's no reason to feel that much shame unless you were taught to do so, and there's no non-BS reason to teach that. Or unless the partner is being unfairly pushy and demanding about it, but that's a whole other problem that's bad in every context, not just in bed.
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Re: Struggling with some feelings

Post by mr_faithful » Sat Sep 07, 2019 10:21 am

It sounds like whatever it is, it has gone beyond "safe, sane, and consensual" when it invokes overwhelming feelings of shame and disgust and you are just trying to cope with feelings of hating yourself. I could be wrong.
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