Chastity Condundrum

Living the real life under lock and key
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Chastity Condundrum

Post by sherulestherooster » Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:21 am

My wife recently amped up some denial play. A few weeks ago - unprovoked - she said, "maybe I'll have to lock you up soon". She felt my immediate erection and giggled a bit. She then denied me for a few weeks, then we each had an orgasm on a romantic weekend. The next day she says that she wants me to go 30 days before my next release. I brought up the courage to mention that I bought a DHGate metal cage and that I've self locked a few times, when she was away and such, even told her that I haven't been aroused in it, so I'm not sure what to expect. She told me she didn't want to see the cage, seemed ok with everything.

We didn't spend a lot of time together this weekend, so Saturday I volunteered to go to Target with her. I'm not much of a shopper but everything's going well. I make a few flirty/sexy comments to her here and there and she seems open to it. We have a lockbox (mainly for the kids before they were responsible enough to have their own housekeys). She said it didn't work and wanted to buy another one, so we went to the lock section and they didn't have one. I asked the clerk about it and he checked but no, they didn't have it. So, I casually bring up, "oh is there anything else you need locked up?" She laughs a bit and then I get an obvious tent in my pants, she sees it and says something like, "lol, you're something else". Note - there wasn't a lot of traffic in this area, so I don't think anyone else saw; while I'm far from "huge", it was plainly visible and I had to sorta walk it off.

Clearly, the thought of me being locked - especially in this newer metal cage - is arousing, and she's determined to deny me for a month. She brings up locking me from time to time, but does not take any action on it. Like ever. While she's always preferred the honor system, it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't see how much of a turn on it is and simply just ask that I lock up. She had a girls' night out later that night, so it would have been a perfect time for it. I actually did a self-locking while she was out, and it felt really good to be caged, albeit not the same as having her involved. I really do like the fit of this cage.

I suppose that she might see this as "topping from the bottom", but the thing is, SHE does bring it up from time to time and she knows (visibly) how excited I get. Maybe this is just part of her teasing repertoire?

Another twist to this is that she is stressed at work and doesn't handle stress that well at all (never has). She's been VERY forgetful. She missed a medical appointment even though it was on our phone calendar. Several times she says to me, "hey let's see a movie tonight" when SHE had made plans with her coworkers and couldn't.

We are moving our daughter this weekend, and we both suggested the idea of having me locked up since she will go a day ahead of me. I don't want to "remind" her as I think she thinks that's topping from the bottom. So what do you do when you have an absent minded keyholder?!?!
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by Schnoff » Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:56 am

Oh boy do I have thoughts on your conundrum :).

I am coming at this with a certain framework of relationships in mind. That being, that there can be a “slant” to relationships. One partner has more say than the other. That slant can be very slight, or quite far over. And it may not apply to every aspect of the relationship.

Raven, whose books I highly recommend, refers to this as the “D-type” and “s-type” in the relationship. The specific book that comes to mind for your situation is “Building the team”.

So with the framework and book recommendation out of the way: If I think of your wife as the D-type and you as the s-type, then this is how I’d see the two things you bring up.

> it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't see how much of a turn on it is and simply just ask that I lock up

Well, she might see that, and just not be interested. Or even be opposed. For you, that means soul-searching. What is it you need, and what is it you want? Those are separate. If you’re lucky, you need something in the relationship that can be met with a cage but also in other ways, and you merely want a cage. In that case, you can express the want, and if she says “yeah no”, and you have found another way to address whatever need that cage ties into, you’re golden.
It’s unlikely but possible the cage is the only way to address that need, and then you’re probably incompatible in that one aspect. More communication needed to see how to handle that.

Secondly - how does one deal with a forgetful D-type or keyholder? Hah! Easy in principle! The D-type has all the tools at their disposal, and that includes the s-type. D-type is a bit disorganized? They can simply use the s-type to gain that organization, in a way that feels good to them.

The D-type does have a job, and that is to provide a framework in which the relationship lives. The s-type then fills that framework with action.

So for you two - it’s probably to start at the beginning. Do you have an “unequal partnership”? How does that express itself in concrete terms? What does a weekday look like, hour to hour? What does a weekend look like, hour to hour?
And on a more abstract but still concrete level: What are her needs? How will they be met? What are your needs? How will they be met?
Then the same for wants, just that your wants might take a back seat when they don’t mesh with hers. :)

Raven’s “leaning in” concept of partnership is really lovely. I highly recommend that book to get a model of an unequal partnership that is team-based, rather than adversarial. I find that model to be very compatible with a more “vanilla” approach.
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by sirmebane » Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:07 am

Schnoff has a more eloquent response than my own but I would start with a conversation.

My own wife is keen to unlock me after a time (or for travel) and then suggest it is time to lock me up "we need to lock you back you, maybe this weekend" and let it fall by the wayside. It is something of a learning point for me that she just isn't into as much as I am and she worries more about whether the kids are eating right a lot more than whether I'm having an erection with permission. Her sex drive is there but logarithmically less than mine as we round the corner at age 50.

I'd start with a little topping from the bottom and let her know your wishes. While she may be aware of your wants, it just isn't her focus so things like "did I take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner?" are waayyy more top of mind that "I wonder if my husband wants his cock locked up?"

Talking with my wife recently, she still has a belief that my Jail Bird is somehow painful or uncomfortable so she feels like I need breaks to stay happy. I did my best to explain that was not the case after roaming free for six weeks and restarting bad habits of solo pleasure. She still worries that I'm going to be uncomfortable or even harmed and this is after 2+ years of chastity play! "No, no that's why we spent all of that money with Mature Metal, so it wouldn't be uncomfortable and we could go as long as you want."

Talk to her and tell her your wants... leave the outcome up to her. She's in charge.

Now what you might be worried about is having an absent-minded wife once you're locked up. Oh, you're locked up? I totally forgot! It's been six months since you last had an orgasm? Gee how'd that happen?

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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by sherulestherooster » Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:39 am

Thanks for your thoughtful response! Helpful! Couple of thoughts:

My wife is very against the idea of message boards and reading books. She's aware I'm a member here, she's aware of my blog (she actually created her own but didn't post much and deleted it half a year ago). Even on her social media, she very rarely posts anything. She seems keenly interested in my blog, and frequently asks me if anyone has commented. Yet she doesn't comment, and sometimes I don't get any feedback from her. Communication is hard.

Regarding D/s - she ate up the 50 shades books, and was pretty enthusiastic about going to the films (we even bought and watched the porn version of it, something like "Submission of Emma Marx". It's an interesting dichotomy in the sense that while she was so interested in them, I can't think of anything that has transferred into our bedroom activities. Does she want to be dominated by me? I playfully spanked her and asked if she'd like that and she gave me an enthusiastic "no". She doesn't want to tie me up or vice versa (we have the SportSheets under the bed restraints, it really is pretty quick and convenient to do; as an FYI, if I were to be asked if I'd prefer being locked in chastity or tied up in bed, I'd pick the latter). She will on occasion ask me to get a paddle and smacks my ass during sex - but that's like a few times a year.

Generally speaking, any sort of Femdom type of activity we do is really limited to the bedroom. She is a relatively passive person most times, preferring me to make decisions; but she feels empowered to deny me and CBT and nipple torture is pretty common for us. As for how "unequal" our relationship, it's mainly in the bedroom. She recently told me she masturbates about once a week and I'm forbidden to do so. When I kept track of it, she has about 3X as many orgasms as I do. She has told me I will not receive oral sex from her any more, but I will go down on her whenever she allows; likewise, she will not massage me, but she knows all she has to do is stick her foot out and I will massage her. Outside the bedroom, I do all the cooking and I'm generally much neater than she. We have a housekeeper so that's not so much of an issue (worth every penny - we both work hard, so the last thing we want to do with our limited free time is clean toilets). She normally does the dishes, although she very much appreciates when I do them when she's stressed/busy. She frequently goes out alone with GFs and I rarely go anywhere without her or a child.

1. What need does the cage satisfy? Maybe I don't have enough self-awareness to explain! This almost sounds like a Hannibal Lecter-like question, LOL! Sometimes it's difficult to remain chaste when I'm alone (I work from home a lot). I will sometimes self-lock to minimize the temptation. I like the feeling of it, of feeling restrained. I like the teasing, the lock/key analogies (inverted from M/F anatomy) when she is in KH mode.

But to answer Hannibal's question, the need it fills is that of variety, that of a little secret kinky game between the two of us, and submission/trust. Submitting my most intimate bits to her is a rush. I have no real desire to be locked up 24/7. Just as a way to spice things up.

I desire to be seen as a sexual being, a piece of meat if you will. I guess it's a role reversal thing from feminism. During the early cable days, I watched some risque stuff that was scrambled, so I didn't see the full images. I recall hearing a debate about pornography with some feminist and well known porn star Ron Jeremy. He's a fairly ugly dude, but has certain other attributes. He made the point that, what do you mean a woman is objectified? Much of the time only my genitalia is shown on film while the woman is the focus. I don't mean to weigh the pros and cons of this, just suffice it to say that I'm aroused by a male being a sexual object. Some of the most intense sexual play we've had is when I penetrate her and she forbids me to cum. Feeling "used" as a human dildo is a big turnon for me, especially when I wake up the next morning and smell her sent on me. Of all my fetishes, CFNM is probably the most intense one. Obviously, CFNM can be leveraged into many other types of play, and the few times she's "inspected" and teased my caged genitals with my cock "attempting" an erection (with that "pulsation" happening down there, and her saying things like, "ooh, he's trying to get hard") were off the charts erotic.

2. Disorganized domme. As I think I said, she's been acting very scatterbrained lately. It's not like her to miss a dr appt and she proposed like three things to do with me when she had organized a Girl's night out. Regarding lockups, the last time we were really playing with caged chastity, we both enjoyed the idea of me being locked up when we were apart. As an example, she went on trips to Vegas and NY with me locked up and enjoyed knowing I was being "a good boy". It was fun for both of us. Then she had a rare overnight work trip and "forgot" about this policy; when I suggested it, she seemed really bummed out about me "topping from the bottom". I'm mid 40s and frankly my sex drive has not gone down since I was a teenager. So, I have a bunch of crazy, perverted fantasies, which is the main reason I started my blog in the first place. She will often seem intrigued by some of my fantasies, and sometimes comes up with her own. Example: she one time said, "I want to humiliate you by making you wear panties to work". She went to VS and bought these super feminine pastel blue thong panties with little ribbons and lace. I was locked up too. I'm not that into cross dressing, but the fact that she MADE me do this, that it was HER idea, and that she did it specifically because it turned HER on to humiliate me, it was really very erotic. The funny thing is, she brought that up again a week or so ago, "maybe I'll make you wear panties to work again". But she hasn't - and I suspect she won't - follow through.

Appreciate any further thoughts.
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by sherulestherooster » Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:45 am

sirmebane wrote:
Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:07 am
It is something of a learning point for me that she just isn't into as much as I am and she worries more about whether the kids are eating right a lot more than whether I'm having an erection with permission. Her sex drive is there but logarithmically less than mine as we round the corner at age 50.
Yes, and I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm fairly active on kinky message boards (I guess you could say this is my "hobby") and I'm the one with the high libido. And denial actually amps it up even further. There have been times when I'm locked that I'm overly needy of being teased and making her cum. She doesn't think about sex nearly as much as I do, so you are right, it's not top of her mind.
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by TwistedMister » Sun Aug 26, 2018 8:37 am

@sherulestherooster You wife sounds a lot like mine, and you sound a lot like me. Mrs. Twisted doesn't 'do' message boards, not ordinary ones and certainly not ones like this. she knows I post on one but has no interest in participating.

I have some very kinky fantasies (and a couple of really 'perverted' ones), mostly about being 'used' and forced to participate in/be subject to sexual/semi-sexual/fetish activities in which I would not normally participate, and which normally hold no interest or arousal for me *except* in the consideration of being *forced* to participate by one or more dominant women.

Mrs. Twisted has expressed interest/desire (and is turned on by) some kinky scenarios but the 'follow through' is generally lacking. I would love it if she were to explore the web for ideas on her own (and surprise me)*** but she doesn't seem inclined to do so. I dislike 'topping from the bottom' because that, technically, puts *me* 'in control' which is exactly what I *don't* want. I have had some success with requesting particular scenarios as a 'gift', with the stipulation that if she decides to enact the scene she is not to let me 'get out of it' no matter how 'unwilling' or resistant I might [appear to] be, until she is satisfied (and, of course, she is encouraged to 'ad lib' if she wishes).

***(The first time she had me restrained and sat on my face after fucking (if you can call two strokes 'fucking') and forced me to 'clean up' it was a complete surprise. I don't know where she got the idea, but one of the biggest 'turn-ons' was that I had never mentioned anything of the sort to her, I have no idea what made her decide to do it, and I had no way to escape and no 'safeword' to call a halt to it. I really thought that she was just teasing and wouldn't actually follow through when she said she was going to do it...but she surprised me, and *did*.)
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by sherulestherooster » Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:44 am

Thanks for the input, TW. Indeed, if my wife had other women to talk to about kinky stuff, I would be both turned on and worried. She'd probably get competitive and out-do other women in husband domination. It's weird how I can suggest something and she takes it in, but if she hears it from another woman, it's like the best idea ever. Sadly, she doesn't have any female relationships like that.

Indeed, although it's been very few, the times she's "forced" me to do anything have been really erotic. In fact, we had a Sunday night ritual watching Desperate Housewives where the entire show I was "forced" to give her a foot rub by her simply sticking her foot out. It was like 40 min of foreplay followed by actual play. I really enjoyed that time in our lives.

I will often let her know of some fantasies and she will seem intrigued but nothing becomes of it. In fact, I can't think of anything on my blog that she's been vehemently against, except for sexual images, so I stopped adding sexy photos.

The closest thing she's done to the face sitting is she woke me up, fucked me, came, and then collapsed on my chest and said, "good luck going back to sleep", then rolled over and fell asleep. I felt so used, it was awesome.
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by locked4her55 » Mon Aug 27, 2018 10:47 am

sherulestherooster wrote:
Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:44 am
I will often let her know of some fantasies and she will seem intrigued but nothing becomes of it.
When I've dropped a suggestion and it's a no go for her she simply says "That's and idea".
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by gilesenglish » Tue Aug 28, 2018 3:22 am

It seems to me you have two (2!) different issues, and that's why you're having a confusing time:

First, she already said "yes" but is expecting you to do the follow through, as in produce the device at the right moment (i.e. an intimate moment where sex talk is appropriate).

This is true of all the kink. She regards it as your job to come up with adventures and make them happen and will eventually get tired of you talking it to death. This is a perfectly fine division of labour and not topping from the bottom - you're basically the erotic barista in the relationship. For example, if she's said she likes the idea of tying you up, it's your job to produce some bondage gear during intimate time, but to do so in a low pressure way: "Remember you were interested in X? Well I got some inexpensive Y. Fancy giving it a go right now?" She's not ever going to initiate or come up with anything new, not because she's not interested, but because that's your job.

Second, you're pushing for the wrong male chastity style. Call it Keyholder Style is all about her having the yes, using them as leverage, teasing and denying... in other words actually very male centered, involving time, energy and focus. Some women are into that. However, she sounds as if she's more into the (call it) Locked Style, where you're cock is simply locked away and she's not really involved in all the mechanics and fuss. The best thing you can do is get a KSafe time lock safe and bring that out. She will also be worried about practicalities, so start off sensible, like overnight.
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Re: Chastity Condundrum

Post by bondinchas » Sun Dec 02, 2018 11:41 am

My wife was quite slow to get actively involved, and for many reasons I didn't want to "top from the bottom".
So what to do?

In the days when we played with chastity lockups for just a day or two at a time, and I wanted to move towards more long term chastity, what I did first was decide to never bring up chastity myself. Initially this was quite frustrating, but I convinced myself that being submissive and allowing only her to raise the topic was better, then she would own it and be the one in control of whatever we did.

Then, whenever she mentioned chastity or my cage, I'd immediately follow up.
For example: If she said something like "Oh, I might lock you up again?" then I'd reply "Oh! Will tonight be my last night free?" Then she would naturally say "yes", or "maybe". What I'd then do the next morning, whether she said anything or not, is put the cage on and present myself to her to close the lock, saying something like "Ok, you said last night was my last night unlocked". Standing within arm's reach with my lock poking out of my trouser fly, of course she then just squeezed the lock shut and takes the key, usually with a big grin. "Mission accomplished".

Another time in the early days she asked "how long do people get locked up for?"
I just replied, I don't know. do you want to find out with me?" the next day I gave her a "training program calendar", which listed increasing amounts of lockup time from 1 week up to 3 months covering a whole year (it was just conveniently before the new year). That lasted until I was on a 2 month lockup when near the end I had other issues that meant we had to stop for a while, but ever since, my lockups have been between 1 and 3 months, and she now keeps hinting about maybe keeping me locked for a full year.

If you say or do nothing when she mentions it, then don't be surprised when nothing is the result.
It's difficult doing it in a way that isn't topping from the bottom, but there are always ways in which you can ask questions or make comments to make it her who makes the decisions.
Over time she'll get into the role and you'll be glad you weren't so careful of what you wished for!
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