It's easier for her?

[Tame Lion]

I've seen comments on here many times that read something like this:
My wife loves my chastity device. It's much less work for her to dominate me.
I know that Mrs. Lion had similar comments when we started. She also said the same thing about butt plugs; "Just shove it in and go back to what you were doing."

She's learned that there is a lot more to this than locking up my penis and plugging my ass. But the comment gave me pause for thought. Clearly, most of the keyholders out there take on that role because it is something that will make their males happy. For most, there is not inherent benefit in enforced chastity. This probably explains why it is so difficult to get a long term enforced chastity adventure going.

What are your experiences with your keyholder? If you are like many whose keyholders do the least possible, how do you feel about your lockup?

[grubber]

Great post Tame Lion.

Our experience started out with me introducing chastity to my wife shortly after I bought a CB6000. Although she wasn't keen on the idea, I started wearing the device without her knowing about it. It actually took her quite a while to notice I was wearing it even though I wasn't trying to hide it. Just goes to show you where our sex life was at.

She finally noticed and I told her that I was going to wear it whether she liked it or not because I liked it. It didn't take long for her to notice changes in my behaviour and she started checking it out. Little by little she stared to like me in it and asked me for the keys. Since then, life has never been the same. It's way better than it had ever been except for the early years of marriage.

No, it didn't turn into crazy horny dominant wife that teased and tormented me non-stop and it's not that way now. She has worked at it at times when she is in the mood but it is never constant. She goes through stages where she is brutally hot and others where she is just not that into it but she would never want me unlocked anymore. She does love the control and her sexual freedom. I think the sexual freedom is what really drives her. She has received more oral sex in the past 4 years then all the previous 30 years of our marriage combined. She would never let me know she wanted sexual attention before chastity as that meant that she would have to put out when all she really wanted was hers oral needs met. Now she doesn't even hesitate to let me know.

We have been playing for a little over 4 years now. I have never been out of a device any longer than a few hours here and there in that time. For just over 3 years, she hasn't allowed anything but ruined orgasms in roughly 6 month stretches but she teases me in and out of the cage any time and only she feels like it. I have gone several months without being unlocked or teased for months at a time and it doesn't bother me. It seems that when I start doubting her interest, she just knows somehow and turns on the heat. As of September this year, she has decided that it's best for the both of us that I am permanently denied any type of orgasm including ruined orgasms from now on. Hearing those words from her was like throbbing music to my cock. I haven't been unlocked except for a quick tease session at the end of September and have no idea when I will get unlocked again. She hints every once and a while that I may not get unlocked until I forget what it is like to have a normal cock. I don't know about a normal cock but I definitely know what it feels like now. It lets me know constantly with a vengeance.

I am fortunate for my wonderful wife with chastity. It's not always exciting by any means and sometimes I think she could care less, but when she is on she is really on. She knows exactly how to get me going. She tells me all the time that I'm too easy, so I guess she doesn't really have to put a lot of effort into it.

This has brought us closer than ever before. We do things together all the time. We also share responsibilities around the house. I am not her slave that does all the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. We take turns or do them mostly together. We have come to realize that every moment together doing things is way better than alone. Time doesn't go backwards so we enjoy all moments together while we have them.

I think some guys expect too much too fast and the pressure it puts on their KH only makes matters worse. People have to remember that chastity is a lifestyle not just about sex. No lifestyle is exciting all the time and partners are sometimes on different levels from time to time which is only natural.

[locked4her55]

We are a few months away from our 5 year anniversary in chastity. My wife is still having fun with this and enjoys keeping control of "her cock". Sure there are times when life just gets in the way and a few weeks go by without any thought of chastity on her part. She to this day will tell you that I am a much better husband when my dick is denied.

[Edgewood]

Our experience started out with me introducing chastity to my wife shortly after I bought a CB6000. Although she wasn't keen on the idea, I started wearing the device without her knowing about it. It actually took her quite a while to notice I was wearing it even though I wasn't trying to hide it. Just goes to show you where our sex life was at.

She finally noticed and I told her that I was going to wear it whether she liked it or not because I liked it. It didn't take long for her to notice changes in my behaviour and she started checking it out. Little by little she stared to like me in it and asked me for the keys. Since then, life has never been the same. It's way better than it had ever been except for the early years of marriage.

Thanks for posting this. I'm at the point where I'm wearing the device without her knowing it and I figured that when she does notice I will use the same tactic that you did—I'll tell her that I'm going to wear it whether she wants it or not.

I worried about using this tactic until I read your post. I'm not saying I'm sure it will work for us but I think it will. When I first introduced my wife to the idea she went along with it—but never fully in spirit. And, as you say so well in your last paragraph, I think I expected too much too soon and the whole experience crumbled under its own weight.

I can correct that but there's been another reason for her pulling back as well. I think there's a part of her that thinks it's some great sacrifice on my part to be locked in a chastity device—and she's uncomfortable with that. Wearing it on my own will convince her that I actually like it and that any inconvenience is worth the potential payoff.

Hopefully my journey will end up in the same place as yours. I'm not sure I'd be cool with 6 months stretches of nothing but ruined orgasms but I absolutely dream of the day my wife demands to be satisfied orally knowing full well that she won't have to return the favor.

Great post.

[Tame Lion]

Interesting replies. I don't know about starting out by just wearing a device and then just dealing with it when she discovers you have it on.

There seems to be two distinct groups of men who stay with enforced chastity. One group is interested into evolving so that there will be no more male orgasms. This is certainly celibacy big time. Some like the idea that this celibacy isn't their idea, but a result of being locked up. Since any chastity activity is consensual, there is no real force to prevent orgasms. It's a choice both of you make.

Others, like me, want orgasms. I want more than I get, but I love the sexual control that Mrs. Lion has over me. She knows I like to come and she likes making me. But to please me, she makes me wait and teases me.

It seems to me that some keyholders like their role because if frees them from providing release to their mates. I hadn't thought about this motive before reading grubber's excellent post. I wouldn't be ok with that, but clearly it works for both of you. Human sexuality constantly amazes me. Hell, my behavior amazes me. I'm pushing a year locked up full time and I still like it. It's becoming increasingly clear that we both, for different reasons, want my cock locked up permanently. It only gets released from its cage when supervised by Mrs. Lion. I'm not just sharing my favorite toy; I gave it away. Am I nuts?

[Edgewood]

I don't know about starting out by just wearing a device and then just dealing with it when she discovers you have it on.

Keep in mind Tame Lion that both Grubber and I introduced our mate to the concept of chastity first, then when they didn't join in there was a decision to continue solo. I think this is completely different then just deciding to don a chastity device one day and then use your partner's discovery to introduce the concept.

If my partner was more willing to participate (and I'm not saying that it's her fault that she's not) then no, this solo effort would not be my approach. But like Grubber, our sex life has ground to a halt, maybe, just maybe this will help loosen things up.

Is this the ideal scenario? Again, no. But I've tried many other approaches and I'm down to just a few more things to try.

[Tame Lion]

Our sex life had dwindled badly. I discussed chastity with Mrs. Lion. She knew I had interest in it and had several devices that I had reviewed. So she wasn't terribly shocked when I said I wanted to wear a device and give her the key. She agreed, fortunately. It took some time before we worked out how we would proceed. I'm lucky she agreed. Now, nearly a year later, she has no real interest in sex for herself but appears to like teasing me and eventually letting me come. We've been blogging since we started and reading back, the process was far from easy for either of us.

[grubber]

She finally noticed and I told her that I was going to wear it whether she liked it or not because I liked it.

Thanks for posting this. I'm at the point where I'm wearing the device without her knowing it and I figured that when she does notice I will use the same tactic that you did—I'll tell her that I'm going to wear it whether she wants it or not.

Edgewood, Things weren't as cold as I posted. Don't go at it like a stubborn fool and once you let her know, back off, don't mention anything about it again unless she asks you and let her come to you at her pace.

I actually told her gently and lovingly. When she questioned why I was wearing it, I told her that I liked the way it made me feel. Not how it felt on my penis, but how how it made me feel inside. I told her that the feeling made me think about her all the time and the way it made me desire her. (Still true to this day) I also told her how much it bothered me that our sex life was in the tank and the lack of any kind of intimacy was depressing. Told her I that this was not going to make things any worse and I wouldn't pressure her about it. It was my choice and since it made me feel better, I was going to wear it whether she was onboard or not.

[Edgewood]

Don't go at it like a stubborn fool

Of course. Yeah, I probably came off sounding like a bit more of an a-hole than I really am.

My thinking is that by putting myself in the device it will show her that it's no great hardship to be kept in that fashion. Then, let her maybe get used to the idea and become comfortable participating.

In order to show my commitment I'm preparing to give it a good long while. There have been times when we've agreed to play and then I've been locked and left for as long as 3 weeks without a single interaction. Eventually I got frustrated or horny enough and I let myself out. If that's going to happen again it won't be until the end of February. Which means that I'll be looking at 11 weeks and 2 days of self locked denial.

I realize that I need to up my game outside of the bedroom as well which is something I did only halfheartedly before.

All of which means I have a more level headed approach to this than what it initially sounded like.

[Len51]

I know exactly what you are saying as most of us start this way. My wife agreed to a one year trial period. That time has come and gone and we are now living a chastity lifestyle that my wife no longer views as a chore she does to please me. Here are a few things I learned that may or may not apply to others:

- Giving my wife the BS story about how my chastity is for her benefit did not work. It did not take long for her to realize that it was a lot of work and any improvement in my behavior was small and spurred on by cock teasing rather than a desire to please her due to my love for her.

- Making a list of rules or a contract almost ended chastity for us. On hindsight, my rules/contract was nothing more than a thinly disguised list of things I wanted her to do to me while assuming that she would get pleasure out of them.

- Manipulating her through guilt, to give me an orgasm when I wanted it.

- Agreeing to her rules and then getting her to change them all the time if I did not like them.

- Generally topping from the bottom longer than I needed to for her to understand Chastity.

We had a few stops and starts and by the 9th month found what worked for both of us. Here is what we did to make chastity our lifestyle without it being a chore for my wife:

- Find a chastity device that I can always wear so that I was no always bugging her for the key for one reason or another. The CB6000s works well for me but breaks every few months from constant wearing. I have since ordered a custom Jailbird from Mature Metal.

- Eliminated all the complicated and ever changing rules we had and replaced them with one rule. My wife makes the rules and can change, add or delete them anytime she wants without a reason or advance notice and without my approval. If I do not like it, she is happy to hand me the keys back and stop chastity.

- Realized that chastity is a sex game and not real life. She does not want a slave husband and feel that she needs to be mean to me and hurt me mentally and physically and do it out of meanness or wanting to attack my self worth and respect. It is now treated as a sex game where we assume our respective roles that can be slipped into and out of as life and how we feel at the time, dictates.

- We defined chastity play as me doing all I can to get my wife to give me an orgasm while her role is to deny me a full orgasm as long as she can.

- Guilt over treating me bad, corporal punishment, verbally and physically humiliating me were a problem for my wife. She is loving and kind by nature and eager to please me as I am for her. To ensure that she knows that what she is doing to me is desired and OK, we do what we did during our BDSM lifestyle, establish a safe word. If I use it we have a time out and discuss any problems before going back into our chastity game. If I cannot take the number of strokes of the whip I can use it although I have never used it in the last 40 years. This allows her to be comfortable in doing things that she used to think were too mean or hurtful. Now she knows that if I do not like anything she is doing or ordering me to do, I can use my safe word to call a time out to discuss it. This made a big change in her attitude but she still has a problem in calling my cock useless and small since she thinks the opposite but she tries.

- Finally, we discussed what aspects of keyholding felt like a chore to her and eliminated most of them. Instead of her checking me constantly to see if I am locked up and wearing women's underwear, I have promised to do so all the time and do. Since there are no rules for her to follow, she just does whatever she finds enjoyable. There is no expectation from me of an orgasm within any time frame or even of a full orgasm at all. We used to have designated sex nights where she would tease me and have her orgasm. Now there is no schedule. She can not touch me for weeks if she wants. Basically she does chastity anyway she wants and I have no say in it at all. If I do not like it, she is happy to give me the keys back. We do no pretend that I am being forced into chastity and my job was to escape of give myself orgasms. She said I am free to do all that if I want and she will not stop me but then she does not want to play anymore. I agree with here. Why cheat myself. I am the one who asked for chastity so why should I try to escape from my device or make myself cum?

This is what made it work for us. I also bought her an inexpensive ebook titled A Keyholder's Handbook sold by Amazon. It is aimed to the average wife who is willing to try but is not wrapped in leather wishing to make a slave of the man she loves and respects. It explains the psychology of chastity, the roles we each play and touches on all the other side things like pegging, D/s, domestic discipline, cuckolding, etc. . Just mentions them as something to explore if she wants to.

My wife decided that she likes the teasing and denial part the most and rather never have me cum again as she hates the way I get afterwards and we have not had intercourse for longer than either of us can remember due to our past lifestyle, my wife's girlfriend (my mistress) and medical problems. There was an issue of how to punish someone who has no hope of an orgasm. She cannot add more time or threaten not to give me an orgasm. One day she came into my man cave holding a paddle that my ex-mistress, her g/f, left behind. She told me what I forgot to do and paddled my but until it was red and sore. She like it and liked to bring me to tears. From there she ended up with full force whipping that leaves my but bruised for weeks. She recently bought a cane to leave those wonderful red lines on my butt but is saving it for my xmas punishment. That solved the last problem we had.

To tell the truth I like not cumming. I get depressed after I cum and feel grumpy and unhappy. I like the constant arousal but then again I am in my sixties and lived with two horny women fro 38 years and cuckolded a guy for 30 years. I had my fun and now it is nice when I am old and find getting erections and cumming to be more difficult each year, to now worry about it at all. I just enjoy whatever sex my wife wants to give me. She has also noticed that when she used to let me know she was going to let me cum, I could not get hard for her. However, if she said I was not allowed to cum, I got rock hard quickly. Performance anxiety. Now I know I am not going to cum so I get hard for her easily every time.

This works for us and your situation may be different. Do not try to turn your wife into you private dominatrix. Just start out with chastity for a short time and gradually increase that time to test both of your limits. Find out what you wife likes and how she wants you to behave. She may not like a slave husband who is always attentive. My wife said that she felt like I was smothering her with affection and attention. She wanted to do things for herself and not be told how sexy she was every few minutes or talk about my chastity or horniness. Now I do not mention it but she will acknowledge my chastity at least once a day if nothing more than asking me how her cock is doing today. One of the problems we men have is feeling that our wives locked our cocks up because they do not want to have sex with us. After a while you feel like a prisoner locked away with no one visiting you. Your wife should be made to understand that you need to have her acknowledge your chastity so you do not feel deserted and forgotten about.

I know this is very long but we learned a lot over the last year and finally have a very workable chastity lifestyle that my wife now wants a little more than I do. She does not view it as a chore anymore because she makes all the rules and can eliminate anything that does not give her pleasure. As for me, I had to learn to accept her rules and not the ones I wrote for her that read like a user manual.

In the end we learned that my role was to beg and do whatever I could to convince her to give me an orgasm without annoying her. Her role is to keep on denying me and if she does give me an orgasm, it will never be a full one with pleasure. She likes that idea a lot as she likes me the way I am when I am denied. Wish all of you the same luck we had.