[softspoken] the darker the night, the brighter the stars

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softspoken
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Joined: Mon Nov 04, 2019 1:46 pm
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[softspoken] the darker the night, the brighter the stars

Post by softspoken » Mon Nov 04, 2019 4:09 pm

This was inevitable. I've finally accepted into my heart that I am a better person this way, a better partner, more in touch with the present moment, more selfless and decent in general. This is the way I ought to be.

To say that this comes naturally is not the same as saying that it comes easily. A natural-born runner doesn't find training for a marathon to be easy. They are just hard-wired for the particular brand of challenges, and suited to thrive in that space, to transcend themselves in a higher pursuit. I am geared for the challenges of chastity, down to my DNA. I am committed to it, in order to become my best self. That doesn't mean it will come easily; far from it, in fact.

_____

One thing I've learned about chastity is that sometimes She will be there to help me, but many times She will not. Sometimes it is a shared event, and those times are nice, but more often it is solitary. I cannot fall into the trap of externalizing my struggles onto Her.

In short, I hope that this journal will help me during times that I need to help myself.

"The darker the night, the brighter the stars. The deeper the grief, the closer is God."
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Chastityat60
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Re: [softspoken] the darker the night, the brighter the stars

Post by Chastityat60 » Mon Nov 04, 2019 6:18 pm

I'm not sure it I'm hard wired for chastity. It seems to be a thing I have been interested in for many years off and on. When I finally decided to self lock I made something of a vow to myself . That because I have been given so wonderful a wife who has filled my life so completely that I would not masturbate any more unless we were together. That I would save myself for her no matter how long between love making. She does not dominate me and we both hold keys to my V3. Even though we only do 2 x a month, I do not want to assume any longer that I have the right to take care of myself and my sexual desires without her. We are 58 and 60 . My wife of 36 years is not seeing the point like I do as she is very ok with masturbation for both. It is me who desires the assistance of a device to help me remember my fidelity, and faithfulness to my amazing beautiful wife.
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softspoken
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Re: [softspoken] the darker the night, the brighter the stars

Post by softspoken » Fri Nov 08, 2019 11:57 am

I realize that my initial post wasn't exactly the tone I meant to strike. I had gotten timed out while writing a really long post, which disappeared when I went to Submit, and in my frustration, I tried to recapture a few of the main ideas. Mostly, it ended up coming across as impersonal and maybe a little overly dramatic.

I'm going to experiment with using the capitalized feminine pronoun "Her" to refer to my partner, because it seems like an economical way of retaining anonymity, removing ambiguity, and avoiding the first-person possessive pronoun, "my such-and-such." I realize that the trade-off for all this economy of language is that it makes me sound like I take life way too seriously, to be referring to Her all the time, but it is what it is.

I was pumped to see a reply on my very first post, chastityat60, with a counterpoint regarding the question of whether or not we're hardwired for this. It's a good reminder that there are different motivations. In my case, I am. The idea of enforced chastity occurred to me so early in life as to almost make me want to believe in either a) previous lives/reincarnation or b) the simulation hypothesis of life on earth. There's almost no other explanation for how fully-formed these ideas came to me, even before I knew what sex was, at 8, 9 years old, something like that.

My entire life, sex held very little allure, that is, normal-person sex, or vanilla sex, if you prefer. The kind of sex that when they say "sex sells," the kind of sex they're talking about. The sex that marches lock-step with the entirety of American pop culture. Very little allure. To be frank, normal-person sex seems animalistic and misogynistic, which are my two biggest turn-offs, misogyny and animalism. And it made relationships very difficult, to never really be into it. Yet for my entire 20s, I neglected and suppressed my true sexual identity of, well, whatever this is (to quote Dave Chappelle: "There is no flag for us").

I don't know if anyone else reaches a point where self-gratifying to the fantasy of being unable to self-gratify becomes... untenable. The cognitive dissonance is absurd and overwhelming. It is no basis for a sexual identity.

Finally, a few years ago, I met someone who I could confide in, and express some of these ideas, and now I've found a little more balance. We've had some fits and starts. It wasn't a smooth transition the whole way. There has been a mutual evolution. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be getting into all of that in due time.

For now, this is the background of what I mean when I say that I'm hard-wired for the challenges.
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