[mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

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mr_faithful
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Re: [mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

Post by mr_faithful »

That's a great post @Schnoff. It really means a lot, to me, to see that you would take the time to write that. I'm impressed that you really do know what you are talking about. And you're right, I haven't been using "celibate" correctly, but it seemed to express my state the best. I'll be careful about how I use that term from now on.

When I wrote that, it was really late and I only had an hour before I had to get up for work so I cut it off too short and didn't leave a "to be continued..." like I wanted. I just submitted and went to bed for a short nap. But it felt really good to get that part out.

At that time, I realized that, just as you say, I was in a pickle. On the one hand, I had a really spicy sex life going that was a lot of fun for my wife and I. On the other hand, I had matured in my faith to the point where I understood exactly what chastity really meant, as you spelled out in your post. I was not living chastely, but I had learned to accept control over my desires. That was something I hadn't really learned to do before. I had totally eliminated porn completely, and even was able to discipline my eyes to avoid gazing at exposed breasts and skin (no small feat given fashion trends). I did have some self-control now and it gave me a peace and real happiness that I hadn't known. But would my wife have the same? There was no way to know.

Given my experience in mass in front of the Eucharist, and my conscience bothering me, I now had the fortitude, piety, and fear to do what I knew I needed to do. I had to tell my wife that we couldn't mess around anymore like we were. I wouldn't deny sex, but it had to complete with insemination. I would still wear the cage, and I would not request sex, but no more pussy-eating. Of course, I told her, I would really enjoy having sex with her and enjoying the full satisfaction of it, but we had to do it with virtue. And that is what I told her.

My wife actually took it quite well. She told me she understood even though she was disappointed. She was definitely going to be keeping the cage, lol, but things were not done there.

We still remained more intimate than you might think, but I kept my hands off the furry part. We'd still do backrubs and kissing, but we wouldn't take it any further. I can't remember if she stopped slapping my nuts right then or if we did it another time, but that quickly went away as well. I called her next period like I had been doing, and again, I was right. All of this is to say, we were really vanilla now, except for the cage.

It wasn't right after that, it was at least a couple of weeks of that, when I got a problem. A blood blister appeared on my nutsack right at the base ring of the cage. It was pretty irritating, but I resolved to stick it out like I did with most of my other irritations. This was different though, it just kept getting irritated and was distracting me. It felt like a constant pinch. So I told my wife about it. She looked at it and said to take it off for a day or two and we would see if it got better. It didn't get better.

But the amazing thing about it, was that I didn't become some uncontrolled rape animal. I could even control my erection while sleeping naked with her. At first I thought I might have broken it by keeping it locked up for this long (8 straight months at this point). A thought made worse when I would try to urinate and I couldn't get a steady stream going. It would spray more like a shower unless I stretched it out a little bit, almost like the urethra wasn't running straight or something. But then I looked hard at my wife with desire and sure enough, my erection appeared instantly. So it wasn't broken, I just had self-control aside from this inexplicable urination issue. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

Still, however, the blister would not go away, and it was irritated. A week went by, then another, then another! It just wouldn't get any better and my wife and I were joking about how I was secretly re-creating it so I wouldn't have to cage back up. Then it was about a month or so when my wife said that she now believed I didn't even need the cage anymore, and on top of that, she wanted to try natural control and possible resume some sex, but maybe not. She wanted to look into it though.

Try to imagine my shock. I didn't believe her about trying natural control and resuming intercourse again, but I did believe she was serious about leaving the cage off. And I was doing quite well, but I had no trust in myself on business trips, especially to Las Vegas.

...to be continued.
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mr_faithful
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:03 pm
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Re: [mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

Post by mr_faithful »

I think it is best to take a break and explain why Las Vegas is such a fear for me. It makes sense, because I am writing this a year to the day that I started this journal/microblog thing, so I might as well spill it.

I'm sure everyone is like "yeah, we get it, we know what Vegas is." Fair enough. I've done all that stuff for sure. But that was before I started getting serious about turning away from all that and turning back to what is good.

A year ago, I had already established a solid prayer life and eliminated porn and masturbation completely. I was able to live at home and be good while avoiding the places of temptation. Even without the cage. But I get lonely on road trips. Now throw in everything in Vegas and how easily and accessible it all is and well, you can guess what happens next.

But like I said, I had achieved everything to that point with powerful prayer, and I wasn't stopping just because I was in Vegas. If anything, I was even more disciplined and prayerful just because it was Vegas. I was there on a week long business trip in March 2019. One year ago. But the devil knows how to get you and get through to you. And boy did he ever. It was the third day of my trip, and I was just sitting at a sports bar watching the game and having a drink when she walked by. It felt like I got hit right across the top of my head with a stick. A blonde with big tits and great legs. I smiled at her and she smiled back. That was all it took and I forgot all that other stuff. I was hooked like a fish and being reeled right into the boat without a fight. We hit it off and sat together with our hands all over the place. Just like that.

I had no intention of even looking at women while I was there. Now I got tits and ass right in my lap. Somewhere my guardian angel was talking to me, but I didn't hear him at all. Of course, she's a prostitute, and we all know that. Did that stop me? No. As it wore on, I started to come down a bit more and get a better realization of what I was really doing, but I was in too deep, the hook was stuck, and I was stuck in my old familiar rut. I wasn't getting out of this. It went on for 3 more days until I left. I prayed every day too, but that didn't stop me. You know how they say you know you're an addict when you are telling yourself NO at the very moment you are jabbing the needle into your arm? That was me, except it wasn't heroin. I was just as powerless at that moment though.

I've never felt so weak and pathetic and wicked and wretched in my entire life. I thought I was better than that. I had done all of that before, sure, but now I was trying to turn away from all that and I had done so well up to that point. And then I threw it all away.

I looked at my rosary and just begged God to save me from this. I prayed and begged and pleaded with him the entire drive back from Vegas. My cage was in for some modifications, which is why I didn't have it there on my trip. I told myself I would never again leave home without it, and I didn't. I know it can be defeated, but I just needed it for a reason to say no. If I'd had it on, I wouldn't have been so quick to make eye contact and smile. It was the lowest point of my entire life and my only hope was God's grace.

I think you can understand now why I was always so reluctant to remove it. Why I always quoted Matthew 5 about it being better to tear one's eye out and throw it away than to leave it and have it take you to hell. I took that very literally. I'm telling you I felt the devil put his hooks in me right then and it scared the living shit out of me. I thought I could beat him and I lost badly. You know those scary scenes in horror movies where someone is kind of out of it and they think they are dreaming, but then they realize they are actually awake and this is really happening to them? That was me.

So when my wife tells me she thinks I don't really need the cage anymore, I'm telling myself that she has no idea what she is even talking about. But now I have this blood blister and another week long business trip to Las Vegas coming up in the second week of January 2020.

to be cont.
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khorina
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Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2020 5:40 am

Re: [mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

Post by khorina »

Regarding Catholic faith, just to clarify that it's my understanding that you can abstain from sex in some circumstances. For example, for health risks (when a pregnancy would most likely bring health risks). Also, you could add vows or offerings, and as far as I know they are valid as some have their Spiritual Director's approval. There are some Saints that is said they practiced abstinence after having children.

What goes against the faith is to deny sex to your husband/wife.
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mr_faithful
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:03 pm
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Re: [mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

Post by mr_faithful »

Yes, abstinence is never a sin unless you are denying your spouse who makes a claim on the marriage debt. It just isn't recommended to do it long term, because you are putting yourselves at risk to stray in adultery. A cage takes care of the straying problem pretty well, I have to admit.

I think you are referring to what is called a Josephite marriage. One where both spouses agree to either remain virginal (like the Holy Family) or refrain claiming the marital rights after children. These marriages are rare, for obvious reasons, and you really have to be holy to try it. That is not me! I am not a holy man at all, but I'm trying to become one.

So really what I am laying out in this journal is my progression from wicked wretched sinner, to less of a sinner, and then hopefully holy one day. I feel like as long as I keep chipping away at it, eventually I can get there. Removing one sin or vice at a time.

So far, I've stopped porn, self-masturbation, adultery, and contraception. As I stated a few posts ago, I stopped masturbating my wife. Compared to where I was in January 2019, only the grace of God could have helped me get this far.

I keep meaning to come back and complete the story, but it's hard to even describe how God touched me in real life and healed me. You just had to be there. I'll try to flesh it out again, but it never sounds believable, nor can I say it in a way that conveys even a small fraction of the power that I felt. It was so humbling. I've never felt love like that before. It took me straight to my knees in tears, begging his mercy.
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mr_faithful
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:03 pm
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Re: [mr_faithful] Denied until menopause

Post by mr_faithful »

I had been in Vegas for 3 days already, when I lost my customer. I had picked up on a bad vibe the last time I had been here, but after 3 days I had lost all suspicion that something was wrong. But out of the blue, the big boss walked up and told me that they were closing the purchase order and would no longer be interested in having me there, and could I please leave right now? I was a little shocked, needless to say. But I kept my cool and said that I was sorry it didn't work out. I wasn't going to get paid for the work I had put in there, and that sucked.

So I resolved to start beating the streets and try to get some business going. I asked the Lord to give me a sign on whether I should stay or go, but kept hitting all the places I could think of to get some business. I got back to the hotel that night and was exhausted. I had made a little money, but not even enough to cover my trip expenses. This trip was going to be a bust. I sat down on the bed and took my shoes off, which is when I noticed that the toes on my right foot were covered in blood. All that walking around and standing on my feet that day really tore me up. Well, I had asked God for a sign, and here one was. So I called to let housekeeping know I would be checking out in the morning and returning home. Then I hit the sack and I was asleep fast.

I woke up early the next morning, and got up to take a shower. As I was waiting for the water to get hot, I was reflecting on this trip. I had come to Vegas, the place of sin and temptation, and I had actually made it without falling into my rut! On top of that, I had done it without a cage and it wasn't even that hard. I had encountered showgirls and other whores walking around, but I never even looked at them, even if they started talking to me. I just brushed them off and walked away.

I was pretty happy with myself. Then, I reached down to touch my blood blister and see how it was doing, and I couldn't feel it. Huh? I kept patting all around, but nope, nothing. I walked up to the full length mirror, naked, and lifted the sack to check it out. There was nothing there. Just normal looking ballskin. I was frozen. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to think. How does this thing last for weeks and weeks unchanged, and then disappear in one day like that? Not even a trace that it had ever been there. WTF?

Then I looked at my toes which had been bleeding the night before. They were still cut. But my balls were perfectly fine. Just yesterday that blister was still there like it had been for weeks, and now I couldn't even prove it. Then a voice in my head said I didn't need that cage anymore. I should know that I don't, because I returned to the scene of my sins and passed the trial without it. Then the voice was gone, and I realized I was crying with tears streaming down my face. That's when I fell to my knees, naked and crying like a big baby.

I finished getting ready and packed up and left. I made it home safe and sound. God is good to me and has done much for me.
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