She's a KH now, but how to get her into the Femdom bits?

[luckyboy]

Hi All,

I am lucky that my wife of 11 years has taken to my request to make chastity a part of our lives. We've always had a bit of kink in our lives, but it had faded away after the birth of our daughter five years ago. While we enjoyed a bit of bdsm, my wife tired of playing a part that wasn't her true self.
This January I told her that I wanted to bring chastity play into our lives and she quickly said yes. I truly am a lucky guy.

It took a while to figure out the sizing and what not, but I've created a good fit with the CB 6000 and now we work with a five days on one day off routine. I wanted to go longer at first, but always ended up with sore spots if I did. Now I love the five day routine. By the end I'm totally horny all the time, and that one day of freedom makes it much more frustrating to go back into lock down mode. It also reminds both of us that the cage is only a symbol of her control- even when it's off she controls me and my releases.
She's taken to being in control and using her power, although not all that often. I give her back rubs and manually bring her orgasm or sometimes orally if I'm lucky while I'm still locked up. I really like that part of the game.
She's starting to get into teasing and denial too, which is also very hot for me, although I want it everyday.

I guess the difficult element for me, is that I want her embrace the femdom aspects more, and make me service her more often. I'm afraid that I might be overwhelming her with demands and subbing from the bottom.

I feel like she would really like the femdom power that this game can provide her but-how to make her see that without being pushy?

Does anyone have any suggestions? What has worked for you to turn your primarily vanilla KH into a mean and selfish femdom KH that enjoys making you suffer?

Luckyboy

[locked4her55]

I truly am a lucky guy.

Yes, you truly are a luckyboy. Many of us here didn't have wives/KH's that embraced MC right out of the gate.

Does anyone have any suggestions? What has worked for you to turn your primarily vanilla KH into a mean and selfish femdom KH that enjoys making you suffer?

My suggestion would be to give it time and communicate. Remember that communication does not mean topping from the bottom. Continue to show her the benefits she gets out of you being in chastity. It took sometime for my wife to put me in my place. Now she says things like "You don't have a say in the matter, remember I'm the one in charge"

[Tom Allen]

Mistress Ivey has some tips and advice for women that are new at this, although she does touch on fetishes, cuckolding, feminization, forced bi, which might be a turn-off to someone who just isn't into this at all.

Sarah "MIA" Jameson's book(s) touches on some femdom without calling it that, and might be easier for her to read, if she's so inclined.

[Aarkey]

Well, first off... kudos on communicating with your wife, and also knowing that you're a "lucky boy" to have her.

There are a few things in your post that really bring up some strong memories, and questions I have that I hope might help you. Please bear in mind that my remarks are coming as from a man who was divorced a year ago from a woman who, while obviously kinky, really was "service topping" and felt very pressured by me to indulge my interests. In the end, she grew very detached, and resentful about things and by the time she finally was able to open up to where she was at, it was already too late for us.

"how to get her into the Femdom bits? ...my wife tired of playing a part that wasn't her true self."

I'm curious when you say she was "tired of playing a part" - what was the part?

Also, you mention her "true self" and I'd like to know what that is.

"This January I told her that I wanted to bring chastity play into our lives and she quickly said yes. I truly am a lucky guy... She's taken to being in control and using her power, although not all that often... I want it everyday... I want her embrace the femdom aspects more, and make me service her more often. "

The fact that she quickly said yes, to you expressing your want is a wonderful, and lucky thing. The fact that she's already exploring her control and power is also an awesome thing. But I'm quite fearful for you, as you are talking about what you want from her, and not what you want for her.

There is absolutely nothing wrong if you simply want her to indulge your fantasies. As long as you both are clear about what is going on, it can be great fun. However, your subject line is about how to "get her into the FemDom bits" and I've come to learn that it is a very different thing to experience.

It is absolutely ok to ask for what you want. Its great to explore, but I beg of you not to pressure her. Its clear that the fantasies we often have are years and years in development, and often times it is overwhelming for the woman to try to satiate this long standing desire. To 'indulge' us in our kinks, can be a very daunting and even impossible task - for sometimes it seems like a bottomless pit of wants and needs.

So I implore you, open up to her. Communicate with her. Encourage her to seek support from whatever sources she is comfortable. Some prefer to read books, some prefer finding others online (like this forum, or perhaps something with a more general BDSM scope, such as FetLife might be good.) And others prefer face to face interactions. There are ClubFEM groups in some cities of the US (and they vary a lot from one to another.) And most larger cities have groups that meet as a "munch" for a vanilla meal or drinks somewhere, usually on a monthly basis.

All of that can be overwhelming and frightening for some. And I've learned that no matter how hard some people try to be "vanilla" at a munch they just look far more like a pervert than I'm comfortable with. As a result, for our own privacy... my g/f and I go to a munch about 40 mins away, rather than the one 10 mins away.

Anyway, I maintain the website for the local ClubFEM group. And we put a list of books that the members found helpful. You can find them here, and they're helpful for the sub to read as much as the Dom.

http://clubfemsoutheastflorida.com/suggested-reading/

I wish you all the best with it, and I really hope it goes better for you than it did for me. If you take it slow, communicate and you are able to think of her needs and wants more than your own - then you'll be off to a great beginning.

[luckyboy]

Hello All,

Thank you for the great support- your comments really are insightful, and appreciated. I am grateful that my KH has said yes to this new adventure- I didn't really expect that this was something that would last more than a week or two, but we're on month three now and still having fun.
I see that I am in danger of being too needy here, and demanding that she act out my fantasies rather than explore something new together. I'll try to keep that in mind going forward- I can tell her what I find exciting, but I have to help her find what she finds exciting too. It's tough to resist asking her to indulge me in everything at once now that we've opened the flood gates a bit. I'll just try to be more mellow and realize that we're in this for a marathon and not a 100 meter sprint. Thanks again everybody.

[Aarkey]

I'll just try to be more mellow and realize that we're in this for a marathon and not a 100 meter sprint. Thanks again everybody.

I really hope it works out well for you. I did my best to be very patient and put the information and opportunities there for my ex, but no matter how I tried... things went like they did.

With my current g/f I setup a private blog just for the two of us. It allows me an outlet to express my share about my gratitude, and interests, and she seems to like the fact that its there as a resource for her, but there isn't any of the "puppy wants to play, I mean really really wants to play" kind of feeling that seems all too common when us sub guys try to introduce kink to the women in our lives.

[hiskh]

We have played with chastity off and on over the last two years and I have to say I was not into it at all until recently. I admittedly was a very reluctant keyholder and certainly didn't do any real topping. I have now changed my attitude and I have become a very good top to my man. I am still learning about some of the kinks he and I participate in and still experimenting with new things but I LOVE how he reacts to me.

I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to discuss some things with your wife and KH and share with her my experiences. It is difficult to find information on the net that doesn't rock the comfort level at first. It is very easy to feel overwhelmed and think you have no where to turn for down to earth advice. Especially if topping does not come natural to you.
PM me if I can help her in any way!

[kpb57]

I feel that holding the key to (and for) a man's sexuality feels like a form of caring to women, and is therefore easier to accept than being a dominant.
The former has a natural appeal, the latter needs a certain disposition to really work.
This can lead to "funny" constellations. For instance, we attend meetings of the local S/M group that run under "Bondage Jour Fixe" where I practice ropework on my wife and KH while being caged underneath.

-K

[Tame Lion]

I feel that holding the key to (and for) a man's sexuality feels like a form of caring to women, and is therefore easier to accept than being a dominant.
The former has a natural appeal, the latter needs a certain disposition to really work.
This can lead to "funny" constellations. For instance, we attend meetings of the local S/M group that run under "Bondage Jour Fixe" where I practice ropework on my wife and KH while being caged underneath.

-K

That's an interesting perspective. Agreeing to hold the key is often thought of as pleasing her partner. My wife/keyholder certainly approached it that way. I've been thinking/writing about how we caged males often try to turn elaborate fantasies into reality. Being locked up is a singular event. By itself, it has a lot of implications to the new keyholder. It represents a shift in sexual control that may not be completely welcome. That chastity device says in no uncertain terms that any sexual activity will have to originate with her or take place only with her explicit permission. That can have a dampening effect.

If you add in the femdom aspects, it changes everything. She has just gone from sexual initiator to sexual dictator with rules, punishments, and other activities for her man. This takes new skills and a new attitude. Not every chastity relationship goes in that direction.

My suggestion is to cheerfully wear the device and go out of your way to please her. You may be desperate for her to start topping you. Resist trying to make that happen. This is a long term project. The key is for her to get very comfortable and happy having sexual control. Wait six months. That's right, six months. Then introduce one femdom idea that you would like her to try. Being a keyholder is definately a crawl, walk, run, fly situation. Some fly from the first day. Most need time to work things out in their own minds.