Explaining my fetish to a new partner

[sherulestherooster]

Hi there,
My former keyholder and I got divorced. I have a much better relationship now, and it's a completely different dynamic. We have a lot of sex and she usually initiates. She's given me feedback that she'd like it if I initiate more frequently and she also told me "I'm not going to say no to sex". She can only orgasm from PIV - cowgirl style and is not interested in receiving cunnilingus. She orgasms every time, then I will finish in missionary position.

She is pretty vanilla and is "traditional". Orgasms are exclusively done with intercourse and it's a really satisfying relationship.

Enter the problem.

I enjoy the feel of my cage and from time to time when we're apart I will don it just for my own enjoyment. I took a photo of myself locked and a couple of photos of my erection. We were out of town and we took a selfie at breakfast and she has this thing that she has to "touch up" all photos of her. She downloaded an app on my phone and then deletes the original. Well, I didn't know what she was doing and she found the caged and erect photos in my deleted folder. I had no idea that they even stayed there.

So I walked her off the ledge about it but I never really explained what the cage was. She seemed fairly "WTF" about it. I'd like to come clean about it and maybe even come clean about some of my other fetishes (did I saw she was vanilla, and talking about sex is awkward). What in the world should I say?

The only real kink we have played with is CFNM. When we're alone, she will ask me for "naked coffee" which is always me naked. I love that. We've struggled to talk about kinks and exploring a bit. I asked her if she'd like one of us to be tied up and didn't really seem interested.

I appreciate your thoughts.

[Steve2059]

Do you both find it awkward to talk about sex, or just you? She has said she wants you initiate sex and guarantees she won't say no, and it sounds like the naked coffee thing is her idea. That sounds to me like she would be positive, at least to listen, if you opened up.

She's also seen a photo of you in a cage, so unless she's very naive she must have an idea of your kinks.

I think the ground is set a lot more positively that you might think. I don't want to screw anything up here, but why not try extending the CFNM from coffee to other tasks,since she enjoys it, and see how that goes, then perhaps bring her coffee one time naked except for ...

Two caveats though. One, I'm not a relationship expert, and two, when I broached this with my wife some years ago I came perilously near bollixing the whole thing up (though She's on board these days).

[nosaint]

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I have sworn to myself that if I ever lose this wife, I will not get involved with another vanilla woman and try to teach her. It's an incredibly difficult and at times emotionally painful for everyone concerned. Had we not been invested in each other (kids) I don't think we would have made it. So, how important is your kink to you? I said I could live without my kink, yeah, turns out I didn't want to.
My wife was the first woman I had ever met that didn't like oral, turns out she thought it was selfish and that "men really couldn't like that" It took me years to convince her that I really did like that.

I'll assume you're interested in some form of denial as well, sorry, I don't remember. You could try to tell her you'd like to extend naked coffee into a session where you get to focus on pleasing her. Using a dildo. Get a Vixskin, don't go cheap, and warm that puppy up in hot water. If you could convince her to go dildo shopping with you to pick out her favorite size, that would be great, and probably the only way I'd do it. She will of course say you're the perfect size. Women are trained not to say anything critical of a man's penis. The other hurdle is women like feeling their partner orgasm(good for the survival of the species, no doubt), in addition, literally everything they have ever heard about sex, from our culture, their friends, their family tells them that sex = male orgasm. That's a tough hurdle to overcome. So you're going to have to convince her that you enjoy this. Blame it on old age (I don't know exactly how old you are, but you've been around awhile, so we must be close in age) You can initiate sex more often with the help of your friend in the bed side drawer. This might even allow you to explore different positions, the combination of the dildo and your tongue is very powerful...so I've heard.

If you can get her moving in any sort of alternative direction, it will increase your chances. She's seen the picture of you, at some point you're going to have to discuss it and tell her that it turns you on for her to hold the keys to your cage occasionally. If you're going to be apart for a weekend it might be a good time to try that. That way she is not confronted with your "weirdness" Did I mention that my wife HATED seeing the cage 20 years ago. Good luck.

[WifeIsVanilla]

I agree with pretty much everything said above.

Since she often initiates sex, somewhere along in the eventual discussion you need to have, you might mention that, if she holds your key, using it to unlock your device is a really good way of letting you know that she is in the mood for PIV sex. Other times, you can regularly offer the other services mentioned above.

My wife is very vanilla. She knows about my regular wearing of the cage, but does not want to see it or know anything about it. Consequently, I have done a couple of sneaky things to work around her vanilla-ness and achieve an effect similar to "tease and denial," described in detail in my "Short Journey" blog in the Journey section of these forums.

[sherulestherooster]

Thanks for the advice and feedback, gentlemen.

Our early sex talks have been me asking for feedback on how to get her to orgasm (we finally figured that out!), I bought a Hitachi for her to try and she seemed totally against it. I still have it unwrapped in my closet. The funny thing is that my ex came within seconds with the Hitachi, and new partner can only seem to orgasm if she spends ten minutes with my cock (it definitely feels like she's fucking me) it takes her so long to cum, I started having some erection issues so I got a Cialis script (wow, I love it!) and I basically can go on forever now. It's weird, I have never had an issue getting hard, but I do lose it sometimes.

We've had a couple of cases of unintentional male orgasm denial after her orgasm. One time I had taken a sleeping pill and she wanted sex so she rode me, came and then I completely crashed. Because she orgasms first, there have been a couple of times where she's climaxed and I just can't finish - usually mental distractions. One time I said, "oh sorry I was distracted" and she said, "well, there's less mess for me to deal with". She has never asked me to wear a condom and all my orgasms have been inside her. I'd LOVE to get a handjob to completion but I think she just wants me to come inside her, the traditional way. She one time sent me an article talking about how the prostaglandins in semen have some health benefits to the receiver. LOL. My load is a health supplement. Not that it's super relevant but she stopped talking BC (I am snipped).

Given all that, I don't think she'd be open to a dildo. I couldn't even get her to try the Hitachi! I realize all women are different, but I'm much more used to focusing on the clitoris but she can only cum from PIV sex. She knows I like going down on her but she could take it or leave it.

We have a relationship book from Gottman and we did explore the sex chapter. She has said definitely no to anal and many other things (fellatio, role playing), are "not now". I actually asked her what about sex outside and she was 100% for it. She has described her parents as "hippies". She's very open to talking about stuff. Honestly, I think the problem is with me, as in my prior relationship sex was rationed and I was made to feel guilty.

I'm not going to lie, I am still very turned on by denial. She seems to want me to be more dominant and take charge though. I'm really enjoying the sex and last weekend I did initiate and it was very hot. I'm actually starting to have fantasies that I'm her "bull" but that's for another time.

I'm still not sure how to go about this - you know that thing you saw in my deleted photos.... I used to have this fantasy of being controlled sexually and sometimes when I'm alone I act it out in private. I'm a guy that likes to explore and this is something that interested me years ago and from time to time I play around with it, just for kicks.

[Tom Allen]

I'm still not sure how to go about this - you know that thing you saw in my deleted photos.... I used to have this fantasy of being controlled sexually and sometimes when I'm alone I act it out in private. I'm a guy that likes to explore and this is something that interested me years ago and from time to time I play around with it, just for kicks.

I like this. Direct, honest, to the point.