Chastity for non-masturbaters

[Worrier]

So... I don’t masturbate. I’m just not comfortable with it. But I can’t get the idea of chastity out of my mind! I think for me it is a sense of being under control, and having my wife invested in my sexuality...

But I have a hard time determining how this will benefit my wife... she doesn’t enjoy power exchange (currently) and I already am committed to fair partnership at home. I’m having a hard time looking past how this puts more on her shoulders... I don’t want to ask for this if it is just drudgery for her. She is open but has trepidation. I’m giving her time to consider things and we shall see, but I want to be able to understand the impact this will have on me, her and us... thoughts?

I feel like my desire, while clearly real, feels a bit out of place. Any advice?

[Skip]

I don't think it's out of place all that much. I don't know how your sex life is currently, but I can imagine a scenario where you might desire for sex to be initiated by her (perhaps it's initiated by you most or all of the time?) and you're willing to "give up" the frequency of sex for her to be the initiator. In my past relationships, one of my insecurities (we all have some) was that my partners were sometimes "giving up" sex for my own benefit, even if they weren't in the mood. That has gone away now that I'm actively being denied, it's very clear that the Lady only unlocks me (IF she unlocks me) when she desires sex. Which is honestly a really nice feeling.

It's important to find out exactly what you want from this and what your relationship dynamic is like now that you're unlocked. How often do you have sex? Who's the initiator? Does she always enjoy it, is she as sexual as you or is her libido lower? Etc...

After that, I think given the availability of very cheap devices (resources are all around the site here, but you can start off with the Chinese knockoffs for just a few bucks basically) and your wife's willingness to try, all you need to do is just that - try. If your sexual drive isn't as strong, it might not even put that much of a burden on her - I think most of that burden is our desire to be teased, to receive MORE sexual attention (without sex itself). A lot of guys here will report, in long stints of chastity, that when they're feeling ignored it's really difficult not to get frustrated by not being able to have a release. But if you don't masturbate anyway, this might not be such an issue for you.

On the other hand, if you're currently sometimes "forcing" yourself on her (no offense, just saying she might sometimes not desire it but give it up anyway), locking you up gives you control over that and also empowers her to be "selfish" and deny you without feeling bad - as it's something you want and asked for, so if she's currently giving up for your benefit, because she's too nice, etc, this actually lifts that burden off her shoulders as she knows she can deny you if she's not in the mood.

[Steve2059]

Hi Worrier,

My advice would be first to think carefully about what you want since chastity as a kink is a broad range of activities and denials depending on what fits. Your term "invested in my sexuality" doesn't really say what you are looking for, and does it imply that your wife currently isn't invested in your sexuality? I think everyone here would totally get your longing for being under control though

What would your ideal chastity scenario look like? Would it involve a cage or be an honour and trust thing? If you don't masturbate then what would you want bringing under control - the frequency of sex, whatever sexual acts you and your wife do, your initiation of sex? Is it solo masturbation you don't like? What about mutual masturbation or being commanded to masturbate? What about the act of edging?

You sound like you've broached the issue with your wife in a tentative way but I'd say the onus is going to be on you to sell it to her - after all, it is your kink. But I think you are quite right to consider what your wife would get out of any chastity scenario, and also how to construct a scenario that keeps pressure off her and doesn't make her uncomfortable.

The position in which you find yourself is one with which, at a guess, 90% of us on here strongly identify, including me. When I started out I badly mishandled the situation, made my wife very unhappy, and was forced back to the drawing board for a plan B.

I've written about my own journey in some detail in the My Journey chatroom, including how I managed to save my kink and take the pressure off my wife. I would point you there rather than reiterate the story here; it may be you find some pointers and ideas (plus there are many other journeys similar to mine that might help you take things forward).

Lastly, it might be worth looking more closely at what you call your "fair partnership" arrangements, which I assume means doing your fair share domestically. First would be to just ensure that your wife is as happy that you've shouldered your share of the burden as you are. Second, domestic chores being a significant area of power play for many of us, perhaps you might take on more than a fair share of duties, and/or sexualise them, perhaps by doing them naked or in some subservient/humiliating way?

Good luck though.

[Worrier]

Thanks team- your words mean a lot.

[Chastelifexxx]

@Worrier - The nice thing about chastity is that you can make it work for you any way you want it to. Every couple can set their own rules. You can tie chastity into many different facets of your relationship. She can lock you up and hold the key and not let you out until she wants to have sex. A bit of a mind game but it takes you out of the equation for initiating sex. I think for the most part (not in all cases) that the male wants sex more than the female. But the females want, cuddles, they want pampering, they want foot massages, they want back rubs, more then the sex act. So you are locked up until she wants sex and maybe based on insuring she has had x number of foot rubs or back rubs.

Maybe she just wants to tease you and not have sex at all. She might unlock you and sit and play with your cock for an hour bringing you to the edge over and over and not allowing you to cum. I can almost swear that after several times of being teased and not allowed to cum, you might rethink that masturbation thing.

You said that you already have a very equalized share of household duties. Well maybe you take on more. You make sure her coffee is ready in the morning. You go in a draw her bath. You go out and warm her car up before she gets into it for work. You prepare all the meals. You take the kids away for the day and let her have the house to herself. And after you have done all this for so many days, she might consider to unlock you but it will be her decision if SHE ALLOWS you to cum. That is the power exchange. She controls your cock.

So there are many different ways that chastity can be incorporated into the relationship. And at first she does not have to be that much involved in the process. You can put the chastity device on and by just having it on, gives an impression of who is in charge. And If you start doing more around the house to ease her load she might start liking the power exchange for real.

I am a gay guy, who is married to a guy. We did not start out our relationship with chastity even in the picture. I was the one that introduced it about 7 years ago. He was not all that into it. But once he saw how i behave while locked he started seeing the benefits for him. Over time, the period that I have been unlocked has gotten shorter and shorter, while the period that he has me locked had gotten longer and longer. His Dominance and my submissiveness has also gone the same path. The longer I am locked the more submissive I become and the more Dom he has become. We were a real vanilla couple prior to chastity but our kink edge has increased as well. All for the better. We both like what is has done for our relationship and our marriage. He is now my Dom husband and I love it.

[Michele]

As was mentioned... You use chastity how it works for your relationship. It's not one size fits all. Honestly, it doesn't have to be power exchange per say and it isn't just used to curb masturbation. It can be a few hour thing or an every day thing. It can be power and control or it can just be ooo fun look at you try to get hard in that thing. What it usually (almost never) is not is a lock it and leave it thing. It's very rare to find a guy that wants that... It happens and it can damage a relationship.

It's really about what you both want from it and from the relationship.

[Worrier]

@Lady M @Chastelifexxx
My apologies for my delayed reply! Your words are very helpful and have helped to reshape my thinking. Thank you so much!

[sherulestherooster]

My partner preferred the honor system frankly. Main mistake I made was topping from the bottom and not understanding that it puts a good deal of pressure on the KH to play "the game", at least how I wanted it to be played (with lots of verbal and physical teasing, and playtime). That can be a burden. Maybe just have a "wifey weekend" where you ask her to hold the keys for the whole weekend with no expectations placed on her. Then she unlocks Sunday night and it's just a fun little trial. We basically started with die rolling games for the ratio between female and male orgasms, which was pretty fun and put not pressure on her.

As a mostly "honor system" chaste guy, I can definitely understand where you're coming (see what I did there?) from. I would not want to locked up for the duration of many of the men on this board, but I definitely do enjoy the feel of the cage as a way to spice things up. Good luck!