How and when did I figure out I could order what I wanted if I was in charge: It was fairly early on. I was desperate; he'd been pushing and pushing (not very submissive, hmm?) for me to play this way without giving me anything to go on. All he would say was, "whatever you want, Mistress" "whatever you want, Goddess" etc. But, it wasn't really whatever I wanted, at all. I'd have been perfectly happy just fucking without all the folderol!
But I was game to see if I could figure it out. Somehow, a lightbulb went on
and I simply ordered him to tell me. I'm in charge, right? 
Getting creative with it can be so much fun, once you get going. I also would often have him do little nonsexual service type things like make me tea and serve it to me in bed, or brush my hair for me, to get him out of the headspace of it being about him (push push push) and into a more submissive headspace of serving me. Sexy stuff he got to do later was a reward for that good behavior. Bad behavior was punished by banishing or ignoring - sensation of any kind always only as a reward. Think of it like training a dog.
You reward the behaviors you want to see more, and do not reward bad behavior with attention of any sort.~Kiki
