Lots of questions?!

[buttercup90]

so the jist is to reward him for being obediant?? i think im starting to understand this a little better say i were to hint that ive had a long day and work and he decided to take care of the house work i would reward him with sensual touches or the chance to please his mistress eventually doing so getting closer to earning a release from his cd?

[Kiki]

i understand that how long he is in it is up to my discrestion but he keeps asking what will be expected of him... when we first started the honor system he had to call me maam everytime he spoke to me but then i kinda crossed the line somewhere i guess i am just afraid of doing the same thing. im not sure what to punish for or what to reward for...

Hi Buttercup,

I think your boyfriend is being unfair to you by expecting you to somehow psychically intuit how long he should be locked up.

It is up to him to communicate with you about his desires and needs. A lot of men who want to be dominated will do this. They don't want to have to talk (heaven forbid!) about their needs or desires so they expect their partner to do all the work. That's also known as "topping from the bottom" and it don't fly.

I had a partner who wanted to play BDSM games but was unwilling to communicate with me directly about what he wanted. This was really frustrating until I figured out that if I was really in charge, I could *order* him to tell me.

He didn't like it very much, but he obeyed. You will read a lot of advice saying "do not negotiate in scene" but that is mostly meant for bottoms/subs. In the case of a partner who demands that you top him without providing you the necessary information to do so, I believe it is a useful and fair tactic.

Lots of men want a beautiful dominant woman to fall from the sky and demand he do things which just happen to match his favorite fetishes without him ever having to do anything or say a word. That is a fantasy! It just doesn't work that way. And it is unfair to you.

So my advice is to let him know that it is his responsibility to help you by giving you the information you need, and that if he does not do so willingly, it will be required of him anyway.

Try this: tell him "I want you to pleasure me with your tongue." He will surely leap towards your crotch. Stop him and say, "no, I want you to answer some questions for me" or "no, I want you to tell me a story about something that really turns you on" or something like that. You can write up a list of questions you want answered ahead of time and just read from the list. I used to keep a little notebook with ideas in it in case I got stuck in scene. I'd order my partner to do something (or just blindfold him) and peek in the notebook.

If you are in charge, you get to call the shots. So call them how you want them, and make him do what *you* want. He will likely become more communicative over time, as long as you stand firm and don't let him manipulate you.

Also, you can just start out for really short periods of time, and let him beg you to go longer. But don't put up with him trying to make you be psychic. It is a setup for failure. Voice of experience here.

Good luck!

~Kiki

[buttercup90]

thank you everyone you were a big help i am ordering his birdcage tomorrow so it will be here when he gets back from oregon and boy is he in for a suprise

[kpb57]

But don't put up with him trying to make you be psychic. It is a setup for failure. Voice of experience here.

~Kiki

I can only second that. I tried to force that on my wife at first without really knowing my envelope.
Boy, did that backfire.
Now we're talking through every small step, and we're having fun all the way.

K

[buttercup90]

so i am utterly excited i ordered the birdcage thusday night it should be here in about a week. then the boyfriend will be here the week after that i have already decided that as soon as he gets off the plane and gets in the car he is getting locked up... and he happen to ask what my name was on here so i told him he read my post and told me everything he wants from this including his cd is his reward!! i cant wait til it gets here!

[buttercup90]

So as you can see we finally got the bird cage.. It looked surprisingly big, i didnt think he was going to fit but at you can see there is no wiggle room! We are loving it! He wore it for about 6 hours yesterday took it off for about 30 minutes to go to the court house then came home and he slept with it on...woke up with some discomfort around 6am took it off til about 8 and has been wearing it since and it is now..12:12am Chastity life is amazing!

[Dev]

Congratulations and glad you are loving chastity! I am glad the Birdcage fits. It was enormous on my husband. He's one of those guys with what we like to call "a boyish penis." LOL.

D

[prthomas]

Quick answer: Ask him how long he thinks would be good.

Then add 50%, but don't tell him.

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