How porn is changing our sex lives

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mikecb
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How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by mikecb » Thu Jan 20, 2011 4:51 pm

Interesting article on CNN:

How porn is changing our sex lives

Thoughts?
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prthomas
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by prthomas » Thu Jan 20, 2011 5:05 pm

I used to be totally addicted to porn, long before Al Gore invented the internet. Today, I can still be titillated by it and still find it tempting to view. But the reality is I believe that porn is bad for everyone. Those who look to porn for excitement and sexual relief are living in a virtual world. What happens in porn is not reality and it places expectations that are rarely achievable.

In general, guys are the ones addicted to movie porn. BUT, women who turn to romance novels for their sexual relief are in the same boat. I found that after I gave up porn, started living a chaste lifestyle, and making my wife the one and only object of my sexual affection, life was a lot better for both of us. Porn was certainly detrimental to my marriage and now I am free. Again, it's kind of like an alcoholic always being an alcoholic and taking it day by day, but I can definitely say that I do not have the problem I once had.

For kids, it's even worse because porn is often their first experience in learning about sex. Again, since it is an unrealistic world in movie-land, they are taught so many wrong things. Not the least of which being the objectification of women. Porn caused me to look at my wife as an object of my sexual desires. Boy, MC sure does change that notion, doesn't it? :D
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Dev
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by Dev » Thu Jan 20, 2011 5:39 pm

Interesting article, Mike. Thanks!

I think he makes several good points and several things I said here on the forum and on my blog. I think a lot of men don't want to admit that their masturbation habit does interfere with other sexual performance -- refractory period, getting used to their hand, etc. The author's point, too, that even if a guy is at a physically okay place (able to perform) he may not be there mentally. I hadn't thought of that.

I do think it's a little lopsided, though, in that implies that only men are looking at/using porn. I wish there was some way to get numbers on this. The "conventional wisdom" suggests that 100% of men look at porn and 0% of women. I don't think that's true. Ab calls the gay romances I love to read porn. I think he's exaggerating but I will admit some of the stories (not all) do have lots of sex and have fueled my imagination a bit.

I have never cared that Ab looks at or reads porn (he tends to like stories, like I do, not videos and such). I have never felt threatened or worried that he desires someone else. What I didn't like was the masturbation problem, as noted above. I haven't asked lately but I suspect he still does some porn surfing, even locked up. I am still reading my favorite stories, that's for sure!

I do think a downside is, as the author says, the wide availability. There was a time where we had very few pictures and had to rely on our imaginations a lot more. While I certainly love looking at and collecting pictures, I also spend time just retreating into fantasies in my mind. I think that's a good thing.

D
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by mikecb » Thu Jan 20, 2011 8:54 pm

I was a little disappointed by the presumption that the internet was the birth of porn. I was growing hair on my palms LONG before the Internet. Once upon a time, us old geezers went to the store and bought magazines. So, part of me was screaming "nuthin' new under the sun" as I was reading this article.

Still, I was intrigued by the fact that many of the issues addressed were issues we've seen mentioned in the chastity community.

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cb6000s
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by cb6000s » Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:24 pm

mikecb wrote:Still, I was intrigued by the fact that many of the issues addressed were issues we've seen mentioned in the chastity community.
mikecb
I agree. This forum has discussed this issue at much greater depth and detail than the article. Dev would have written a better article but she doesn't have a bunch of letters after her name so it would not have been printed.
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kpb57
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by kpb57 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:11 am

First, I think there's good porn and bad porn.

Since we're a little into bondage & SM , The History of O is one of the first examples of good porn that comes to my mind. And I have gotten a lot of good ideas from viewing bondage "porn".

Second: when it turns into some kind of addiction, that's where the problem(s) start.
Since I have given her the keys and opened up about what was causing the problems with me, we've come up with some guidelines which basically all add up to "we do this together".
No more solitary masturbation, no more solitary porn viewing.
She has clearly stated that she likes to go surfing the 'net for interesting stories/pictures/movies with me, so we can share likes/dislikes/interests. After all, we are and always were a sexually very active couple.
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red
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by red » Fri Jan 21, 2011 5:51 am

mikecb wrote:I was a little disappointed by the presumption that the internet was the birth of porn. I was growing hair on my palms LONG before the Internet. Once upon a time, us old geezers went to the store and bought magazines. So, part of me was screaming "nuthin' new under the sun" as I was reading this article.
I think part of the problem now is that it's so easily available. Back when I was in my teens, the only way to get porn was to go into a shop and buy it - either that, or mail order. Both ways involved a some effort and potential embarrassment, and of course cost money. This meant a porn collection was something you had to build up over time, and something you put some effort into - kind of like a surrogate girlfriend. Plus, the sort of porn you could get unless you looked hard was fairly tame, mainstream stuff. When I got an actual, real girlfriend I didn't even bother looking at my porn collection. Why would I bother?

Nowadays of course, I can go online and fill my hard drive with all kinds of porn - from softcore mainstream to seriously kinky (maybe even illegal) fetish stuff. All without speaking to anyone, getting up off the sofa or paying anyone any money. It kind of devalues the whole thing, and masturbation turns into just a lazy way of getting some quick relief. Which in my case (and I'm sure I'm not alone) saps your energy and desire for the real thing - which, when it comes down to it, is much, much more fun. :)
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kpb57
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by kpb57 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:20 am

red wrote:It kind of devalues the whole thing, and masturbation turns into just a lazy way of getting some quick relief. Which in my case (and I'm sure I'm not alone) saps your energy and desire for the real thing - which, when it comes down to it, is much, much more fun. :)
Second that.

In the end, it felt like my cigarette addiction, which I kicked more than 20 years ago. Just something you do, but you don't get real, deep pleasure out of it (anymore).

Today, I enjoy the occasional cigar like it should be.

And I enjoy the relief I get with/from my wife, just because it gets so much deeper, even if it happens only a third as much. Quality beats quantity, as long as the quantity stays above detection level :) (which is different for every person, naturally)
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by Dev » Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:29 am

cb6000s wrote:
I agree. This forum has discussed this issue at much greater depth and detail than the article. Dev would have written a better article but she doesn't have a bunch of letters after her name so it would not have been printed.
Thanks for the compliment and thanks, too, to mikecb and red, who inspired today's blog post. I hope you all enjoy. Comments, as always, are welcome.

http://devotedlvr.wordpress.com/2011/01 ... -memories/

D
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Re: How porn is changing our sex lives

Post by Tom Allen » Fri Jan 21, 2011 1:00 pm

red wrote:It kind of devalues the whole thing, and masturbation turns into just a lazy way of getting some quick relief. Which in my case (and I'm sure I'm not alone) saps your energy and desire for the real thing - which, when it comes down to it, is much, much more fun. :)
See, this is what I've never understood: here you have a community filled with guys *begging* for denial, yet a large number (not just here) are saying that masturbation is a problem because it's too easy to get porn.

Seriously, guys?

I don't hear anybody raging that the ability to get alcohol at the grocery stores makes it too easy to become an alcoholic.
I rarely hear people complaining that the ability to get Ring Dings at any hour is making them fat.
It's really nice to stay in bed on cold mornings, but I'd say that most of us get up for work every freaking morning.
Cable and Netflix (and now Youtube) makes it possible to watch our favorite old TV shows, but most of us dont' stay up all night (at least, not all the time).

What happened to the "self-control" thing?

There are a lot of behaviors in which we would like to engage, but we don't because of some social convention, or because we know that ultimately, it's not good for us, or because we know that by abstaining, we'll get something even better later on.

Sorry to be a buzzkill about this, but I think that most of us in this forum have agreed with Sarah J at some point about the idea that chastity devices "work" not because they are foolproof, but because we *agree* with our partners about their usage, and utilize self-control to not try to defeat them. How can we turn around and suggest that the devices are now necessary in order to keep us from wanking to excess?

Edit: Typo
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