Officially Wife Led

[michaelnmelissa]

Hi everyone,

I'm very happy and I just wanted to share it with this group.

Last night Melissa and I were talking and we both decided, almost at the same time, to just come out and say that we are a wife led marriage. We've been heading there for months and it was becoming obvious, but we hadn't said the words yet.

It made (makes) a huge psychological difference for me to hear it said plainly. I think it does for Melissa too. She's been "testing the waters" by becoming more assertive but now, having it out there, she can move forward more confidently.

Hope y'all are well,
Michael

[celticqueens_sub]

It works well for us, we hope you both get the same benefits we have. Good luck!

[Atone]

I am happy for you too.

I would like to hear more (as it plays out) about the difference between it being "official" and when it was just unofficial. My wife and I are well in to the unofficial mode and I have been wondering if or when it would make the most sense to discuss making it more "official".

Have fun.

-A

[celticqueens_sub]

Atone, I'm interested in what you see the difference as? Our FLR does have a basic contract, but the real day to day stuff is too complex for any kind of detailed contract because real life does get in the way. Our FLR is 'official' in thefact that we both acknowledge it exisits and CQ has the final say... But it is not offical in the same way as say our wedding was? When you say you are well into unoffical mode how does that manifest? Michael< are you going to 'define' your arrangement, or just get on with it? CQ and i tend to define it as we go and modify our behaviours as we need to. I think a key factor in this for us is the fact theat we also opereate D/s too in a sexual sense as well. I am first and foremost her husband and submissve and this is the basis of all that goes on.

[Atone]

My thinking was that "official" was the fact that both parties have acknowledged that this is what you do and that this is what you both want. The "unofficial" is more just what has / is playing out, kind of like what Dev has described of her relationship with Ab.

My wife and I have never discussed a FLR specifically although we have discussed and implemented her taking much more control in various aspects of our life. She has become much more comfortable in doing this and truly seems to enjoy most aspects of it even though we are still figuring out exactly what it means for her to be in control (even in this subset of our life). I don't think dropping the idea of a full FLR on her would be appropriate at this point. Over time I am sure we will have discussions about it though and will incorporate aspects as they fit our current situation and desires.

-A

[celticqueens_sub]

Sounds good to me! I guess the main thing is that you do what works for you.

[Dev]

My thinking was that "official" was the fact that both parties have acknowledged that this is what you do and that this is what you both want. The "unofficial" is more just what has / is playing out, kind of like what Dev has described of her relationship with Ab.

I don't think of our FLR as official or unofficial, it just "is." It's the way we do things and have done things, practically since our very first date. I took Ab's checkbook away from him when we had been dating for about three months and I've been in charge of the money ever since. It's not a case that he doesn't have access to our accounts or that I give him an allowance--he has a debit card and credit cards and so on--it's just that I balance the checkbook, keep track of the money, review the credit card statements, and decide how much we have available for discretionary spending (which is probably why I reacted so strongly and got very annoyed last fall when he started quibbling about me ordering up a Jailbird).

The difference is that I was not familiar with the terms "FLR" or "WLM" or whatever variation until I started reading about chastity. That was the thing that made me stop and say, "Oh, okay, that's what we are doing, didn't know it had a name."

I think because it just "is" for us is also the reason I get so confused about two things: 1) marriages that undergo a total transformation to move from whatever they were to become a FLR--personally, I find that a little bit hard to fathom, and 2) FLRs that have so many rules. Since we managed to coast along for 31 years without even a name for our marriage, much less a rulebook, the need for rules eludes me.

BUT...that's just me and I am not trying to be judgmental or diss anyone else. The other thing that has become very clear to me through this chastity journey is that chastity, relationships, and marriages are tremendously individualized. Of course I knew that but with chastity, people share a lot of personal details that I would have not been privy to otherwise, so in that respect, the last 9 months have been an eye-opening experience (in a good way).

I realize that being married for almost 33 years and being married only once in my life puts me in what is becoming a minority group of married couples. I have several friends who have been married as long as me (or almost as long) but I have many more friends who are on their second, third, or fourth husbands. For those women, I don't think it was a case that they suddenly started detesting the men they were married to but rather, for a variety of reasons, their relationships stopped working. Would have switching to a FLR saved their marriages? I have no earthly clue. But I also know I get emails from folks, and read posts on this board, that changing the dynamic of their relationship, with a FLR and/or chastity, has been marriage-saving. If that is what brings a marriage back from the brink of disaster, of course I am going to be in favor of that. I just wanted to point out that for Ab and me, that hasn't been our experience.

D

[Atone]

I don't think of our FLR as official or unofficial, it just "is."

I didn't intend to diminish or put down any part of your relationship, more the opposite. I think there is a lot to be said for going with what works, whatever that may be. By unofficial I did not mean less valid, only that there isn't any sort of overt / explicit set of rules or guidelines.

Chastity did not save my marriage but it has made it better. It has also led us somewhat in to this dynamic of a FLR where my wife has been empowered to get many of her needs met. This has also allowed me to get many needs met that were not before. It has truly been a win / win situation. That doesn't mean that it hasn't been work for both of us but the return on investment has been high.

I suspect that a fair number of people that say that changing the dynamic of their relationship with FLR and/or chastity helped their marriage as much by what they changed from as from what they changed to.

-A

[Dev]

I didn't think you were diminishing anything so please don't think I read it that way. Also, chastity has made our marriage better. We had a really difficult time from Jan-Apr 2010 -- probably the worst in our marriage. But given our long history, I think we have a really high incentive to work things out. It was in this mindset that chastity came along. Maybe, consciously, I introduced it as kinky fun to help us get to a better place but perhaps, unconsciously, I realized it would be a way to address other problems, including poor communication and Ab's ED issue. I think it's too complex to completely tease out all the details and issues. I do know that chastity has been incredibly good for us and even if the Watchful Mistress is relegated to the drawer, sometime in the future, we're not going back to "the old way" of doing things. Those days are over.

D

[wishful4]

I don't think of our FLR as official or unofficial, it just "is." It's the way we do things and have done things, practically since our very first date. ID

MJ and I are the same. It's just the way we've always done it. It started early on with me being away from home for half the month. She ran the household and when it came to the children, she was the disciplinarian and the final word by necessity. If I came home and tried to take over, things usually got screwed up resulting in major problems. So, it didn't take me long to learn how best to keep things running on an even keel. How I wish we had discovered MC many years ago. It would have solved some of the problems in the sexual arena that developed as a result of our frequent separation. Back then there wasn't a person "in charge" of our sexual relationship. Fast forward to today. Now things are topsy turvy. I'm retired and home with her 24/7 and find that things still run better with her in charge of running the household. I'm working diligently to get her to take charge of the "sexual" relationship completely.

Congrats to MichaelnMelissa. If you want to call it "official", I think that's fine. What you've discovered is what works best for both of you and brings you happiness.