Starting Anew

[LuckyEddie]

Howdy!

Been a while since I have posted here, since the passing of my wife/KH and the closing of my blog. With that being said, I am starting human-ing again as an exercise. I am just beginning to get back out there, very soon I know, but living alone and with few people to talk to, dating seems to be the best thing I can think of.

Anyway, met a young lady, 2nd actual date coming up this weekend. We seem to be quite compatible, enjoying the conversations and the time spent together. Made it pretty clear on the first data that I am a pretty kinky guy, but didnt give any specifics at all. Left it like that. She seems pretty vanilla so far, also a widow, and not planning on discussing kinks until she brings it up again. She seems pretty taken back by my admission, but she asked for a 2nd date so it didnt totally derail a budding friendship. Discussed a few other "deal breaker" kinds of things, so far so good. She still seems interested, which in and of itself is completely amazing.

Most here have been in relationships for long periods of time before even mentioning chastity, I know I was one of them. But a few seem to have that as a part of the beginning of their relationship. Simple question: How? Neither of us are young, both have been in long term relationships that ended in a partner passing, but I have kinks and I'm not sure if she does, we have not gotten to that discussion yet. Scares the hell out of me that if I get into any kind of detail about it that she will run for the hills and block my number. I really like her, I cant get the grin off my face.

How do you start a relationship, hopefully a long term one, with chastity being a part of it?

Eddie

(Tom, feel free to move this to the blog area if more appropriate)

[LuckyEddie]

Wow, 265 views and not a single post. From that I can assume that no one has any more of an idea than I do. Sigh... I guess I will figure a way through this minefield. Suggestions would be nice, if you can think of any.

Eddie

[nosaint]

Sorry, I have no idea. I've often thought about what I would do if my wife passed. I am certain, I would not try and make a vanilla woman kinky ever again. There were too many arguments. She's either willing to try it or she's not. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you need to find a way to discuss it. The fact that she didn't run when you said you were kinky is good. And really, on a scale of 1 to 10, I consider chastity to be a very mild kink.

[Schnoff]

> How do you start a relationship, hopefully a long term one, with chastity being a part of it?

By seeing whether you are sexually compatible at the start. If she runs for the hills, then you were not compatible. It happens.

Be true to yourself. If chastity is part of your sexual identity, there's no reason to hide that. You'll find someone who likes the game.

[Mr Pickle]

First of all. Welcome back.
First words that come to mind is Gently.
There are a lot of ideas about chastity. If you're going to bring it up start with your version of what turns you on. Don't suggest she looks it up on the Internet.

I have unfortunately lost two wives to Lukemia and pancreal cancer. So the relationship I have developed over the last 20 years is both sacred and terrifying for me as I live with a fear of loss.
Ill be honest. C wasn't my type, but she was interesting in her own zanny way fun and full of life and wouldn't allow me to be miserable. She was in fact quite annoying and treated me like a sad lost stray which is in her nature. She is also Catholic and I am a proof and fact guy.
We would never work but she stuck around despite my being a sad bloke.
I'm glad she did. Turns out she was too good to be true and still is to this day.
It took 16 years to broach the topic of kink and I belive it still nearly sent C to the hills. Now that's a loss I really wouldn't allow. C means more to me than any kink or need I have.
Harder people might say "If she isn't what you want, ditch her". But you won't know if she is what you want or need until you really get to know her and visa versa.
At that point maybe kink will be an option maybe not. But maybe it won't matter. You don't stop loving someone simply because they don't tick every box.
Whatever happens I wish you all the best.
Try to remember you deserve happiness, even if it isn't the shape you expect it to be.

[LuckyEddie]

Thank you for the reply Mr Pickle, it means quite a bit. I dont have 16 years to wait to broach the subject, I am in my mid 60's now, and so is she. I have opened the door, just a sliver, just a tad, and have touched on the idea of kink very very lightly more than once. She isn't pulling back, which gives me hope. I could go slower I suppose, not mention it at all for another year or so (assuming we get that far), which might be best, but I am a very open and honest person and dont want to lure her into a relationship that is going to end up failed because I was not open enough, or worse far to open. On another site I have likened this journey to trying to thread a needle while riding a camel, and honestly she may never move from being vanilla at all. But your right, happiness is the over-riding goal, and I can be happy without the kink involved if necessary. I like this woman, a great deal, and am looking forward to where it can lead. We shall see...

Eddie

[Mr Pickle]

Cheers Eddie.
You have something on your side I had to wait the 16 years for.
The mind opens as we grow older.
The mind is pretty flexible when we're young and anything is worth a try.
But those middle years are a whole Box of caution and responsiblity as we learn to be 'proper grown ups', parents and we're under societies preasure to behave.
But at our age.. We've gone through so much we don't care as much what society wants and very little surprises us.

Also worth noting this isn't strictly a 'kink'. Not if you ask C at any rate.
Maybe there is a better word for it?

[LuckyEddie]

LOL, afraid you are going to have to be the one to ask her, you know her better than I.

Yep, I pretty much could care less what others think, but that is NOT true of my new young lady. I care a great deal about her thoughts, and how to broach the subject has been weighing heavy on my mind. IS it a "kink"? My therapist says it is, and they specialize in kink, so I am inclined to take their word for it. But on the other hand it's a small one, one that involves my partner quite a bit (at least it should) but does not really require being unclothed for her to engage in that kink. We have talked about being open minded, and she is receptive to that idea, knowing full well that I am referring to some kind of kink even if I dont get specific. I'd like to hash out some small specifics about it eventually, but this is a slow process I am on and in order to keep this budding relationship alive I am avoiding some subjects completely. Eventually that will have to change of course, but all in good time. I'd like to have her hooked before I start reeling in the line.

Eddie

[Scsteelerfan]

This is a tough one. On one hand you definitely would like to be a little deeper into the relationship before bringing this up. But on the other hand I can see it being appropriate to lightly broach the subject of what your kink is, how you see yourself practicing your kink, and what part she would play in this. I think I would approach it in general terms very broadly to start with, then get as detailed as her questions required. And unless it is a deal-breaker for you, I would definitely let her know that this is not a deal breaker issue for you and that you can set this kink aside if need be. Good luck with whichever route you take and keep us posted

[WifeIsVanilla]

A couple of random thoughts. If you haven't already done so:

Maybe try to find a way to reassure her that this is not a heavy duty kink, not S&M with her suspended upside down, legs spread wide, getting her crotch ferociously whipped. Oops, got carried away there, but you know what I mean. Let her know that yours is a kind and gentle kink with significant fringe benefits for her.

You might try learning about her past sex life. Maybe try to get her talking about one or more of these kinds of subjects:

- On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 being not much interested, 10 being very frisky), where was her libido when at her sexual peak vs
nowadays.

- How sexually adventurous was she / is she on a scale of 1 – 10. (1 being missionary position only, 10 being extremely
adventurous / kinky.)

- Frequency - Ideal number of orgasms per month during her sexual peak compared to nowadays, keeping in mind that a lot of
women, unfortunately, have never experienced an honest-to-god, toe-curling orgasm.

- Ask her to name some things, if any, that still turn her on, or what her favorite foreplay activities are. Maybe have her rank her
top 3 sexual positions.

- Is her pubic hair ungroomed, trimmed for length, trimmed into a landing strip or other design or shaved?

- How does she feel about receiving and giving oral sex? No way, don’t care for it, like it or love it?

- Does she own any sex toys, e.g. vibrators, nipple clips, handcuffs, dildos?

- How does she feel about tying up (or otherwise restraining) a partner vs how she feels about being
tied up (or otherwise restrained) and / or dominated by a partner:

Her thoughts on any of these subjects could be enlightening. And . . . if she does not want to talk about any of these subjects, that might also be enlightening.