Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Living the real life under lock and key
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sirmebane
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Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by sirmebane »

My wife has been a willing participant in my chastity for over six years. I tried to not "set the tone" nor instruct her on the way she should keep me in chastity so she could do as she pleased.

The problem I have is that if I'm not asking for something, I rarely get it. I had a gut-wrenching discussion with her about my wants/desires that had me stammering about sex for nearly two hours. She asked questions, she vowed to hear my pleas and asked for some suggestions that she could use as sort of a book of recipes. Great! I took time over the next three weeks and wrote down some scenarios that went from 5 seconds her saying something to a couple of hours of being restrained and teased. I worked hard on putting together some ideas so she didn't have to guess what I wanted or come up with something kinky herself.

It was great for a month and then business travel, illness and some extended family drama threw us up on the rocks. We had a great reset and family vacation (without drama) which ended with some tender PIV sex. She whispered to me "we need to get you locked back up when we get home." Great. Great. Great!

We returned from vacation, gotten back into the swing of things and then nothing. She just doesn't stress over it like I do and if I asked her to tell me honestly, I'm sure she'd be okay with ending the whole idea of being chaste. When she's good she's great, when she's worried about the latest show on Netflix... I'm exhausted.

I wish I knew how to do this consistently without consistently begging.
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Mr Pickle
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by Mr Pickle »

I think women find some kind of comfort in having a set routine rather than having to think about things like this.
Truth is, if you don't mention it, it isn't a problem, and unlike shopping, cushions, TV drama etc. It isn't really up there on things that need to be in her head.
C settles into a routine very quickly, and I do have to keep nudging it along.
I don't think this is really topping from the bottom. It's communication. Unless we say what we need, want. She has no idea what we are thinking right?
I've lost count of the times my brain has melted and I've desperately pleaded only to be met by "Today is no good. Why didn't you say something earlier?"
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Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" :(
Steve2059
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by Steve2059 »

I'm in full-time FLR, but it wasn't always like this. Obviously every case is different, but when I was starting out with a less-than-enthusiastic OH, A two-pronged strategy emerged. The issue was that Her perception of my submission was that it created both work and responsibility for Her. The strategy developed after a period of unhappiness for both of us when I topped from the bottom, accused Her of not giving it a proper chance, and She argued that while I wanted to be submissive She just wasn't into domination, and why all this now after over 30 years - hadn't I been happy? In the depths of this, I came across a female superiority site which argued that if the woman isn't into FLR/domination it's the man's fault for not clearly showing her the benefits.

With this in mind I began to act as though I was being controlled. I took on chores such as vacuuming and ironing which I performed naked (ironing I learned from Youtube videos) and fetched and carried much more than previously. I stopped making sexual advances, but also stopped masturbating/edging, and when She eventually got horny enough to make the first move, I made sure not to be lazy and to put her first (tbf I was pretty desperate by this point).

The second tactic was to make a list of 11 things I would like to be forced to do, including orgasm denial and extra chores. I gave Her the list and a pair of dice, and said She could have a throw any time She wanted and I would just get on with whatever number came up without any badgering from Her.

She enjoyed the domestic side of things from the start, and liked the dice thing because She didn't have to make choices or be proactively dominant. This was about six years ago and She's moved to where She has orgasms daily whereas it's been three years for me (which is not to say sex isn't great, I'm where I want to be) and controlling me is second-nature. It's a long time since She threw dice, and about 18 months ago She told be I'd better not be going through a phase because She was never going back.
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Lockedchef
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by Lockedchef »

Same issues. Sometimes there is more control and play by her and other times nothing for a few months. Then I usually bring up her taking the keys to lock me up eventually and we start another round. Usually last a week or two then it goes away for sometime. Of course it's on my mind all the time and I hope for more of 24/7, lifestyle but it isn't happening. I've learned over the last 8 it so years when it's a good time to bring it up or not. Very very rarely she tells me to lockup out of nowhere which I happy do every time

That brings me to my current lockup. I've had some depression and bad motivation issues lately and she suggested a month ago I lockup to help focus and she would let me out of I make some self improvement changes. It's worked in the past, cut back in stress drinking, exercise more, communicate better and health starts to fall into line. Happier husband and happier household.

When she suggested I lockup I gladly accepted but asked maybe we push a little longer this time and see where it goes. It finally ended last night after 27 days with some good sex. Now this morning I want her to tell me to relock and get back in the cage and continue the tough lockups but she hasn't brought it up. We don't have a set agreement about that either.

I'll probably keep my quiet about it for a little while and see if she brings it up again. One month was a long time with zero unlocks and I wouldn't mind getting off a few more times. I certainly don't nag her about it at all like I used to that was always a mistake.

I read other stories about guys desperate to have a keyholder or they pay online for one, which is just crazy to me. I'm very grateful to get the part I have from a living wife
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sirmebane
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by sirmebane »

She might have acted on her own but I was rebounding from our PIV and an orgasm was on my mind. I recognized the early warning signs and knew it was only a matter of time. One night we went to bed and I just asked her, "Are you ever going to lock me back up?"

I got a little laugh and she turned around to get the key. She helped me get back into the Jail Bird and snapped the lock shut. "I want you to feel safe. Is that better now?"

It has been a couple of days now and she tells me, "between now and Christmas I'm going to find little things to treat you... just know that some of those things won't involve me touching you."

She can drive me crazy when she wants to.
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DrPinotNoir
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by DrPinotNoir »

all I needed to read was this line

She whispered to me "we need to get you locked back up when we get home."


You are there. That line indicates to me you have a unicorn same as me. For us it has been a 5 year process. Each time little escalations.

Sounds exactly like us. The key is patience. (Something you and I probably dont have) and Id guess your wife doesnt like pressure and a whole lot of other things.

There are purists on here that dont like our type of chastity. I dont care about that. Im open to this being a little different for each of us. My wife is super nice. That is fading with time as she sees the benefits of me being locked.

This was a big change for her. It took time.. 5 years.. it is damn close to perfect now. I suspect you will get there too.

Having her say "lets lock you up" heh.. That is a mountain most guys never get past. you and I are past that. Our wives havent outright rejected it.

Enjoy what you have. Chances are it will get better.

Giving the advice of being patient but persistent never falls well on the impatient. :)
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DrPinotNoir
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by DrPinotNoir »

Also if your wife/kh is completely vanilla she is going to have ZERO idea what to do. The Top from the bottom thing I think has some eventualities. It is also sexual communication which I believe that is SUPER important. I cannot read minds. She cannot either.

I think Eventually she is going to lock you up and tell you to shut up. That CAN be the end game too.

You also got to be careful. If you married that person you picked them and thier personality. There is a risk of turning them into someone that you DONT like too I guess. Listen and talk.. until she tells you to shut up.
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sirmebane
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Re: Trying not to TOP from the bottom

Post by sirmebane »

DrPinotNoir wrote: Mon Dec 26, 2022 10:44 am all I needed to read was this line

She whispered to me "we need to get you locked back up when we get home."


You are there. That line indicates to me you have a unicorn same as me. For us it has been a 5 year process. Each time little escalations.

This was a big change for her. It took time.. 5 years.. it is damn close to perfect now. I suspect you will get there too.

Having her say "lets lock you up" heh.. That is a mountain most guys never get past. you and I are past that. Our wives havent outright rejected it.

Enjoy what you have. Chances are it will get better.

Giving the advice of being patient but persistent never falls well on the impatient. :)

I have to admit that of all of the kinks I have tried to introduce to her, chastity is the one she has taken to with the least push back. I spent weeks coming up with a list of activities (a menu) for her to pick from and some serious insight to what is going through my head. My desire since the start has been to spend more time being intimate with her, drive my desire to be focused on her, to give her pleasure without the feeling the need to reciprocate. All I want in return is a little teasing, some occasional reminders that she knows I'm chaste and locked away.

We're six and half years into the journey and I know we've come a long way but still... I want my dominatrix in a leather catsuit dammit. (Yes, that's a joke).

I'm at the point where I honestly think I could live orgasm-free if I had the attention, teasing and time together in intimacy. She is what is and does what she does but no matter how many talks we have, no matter how many talks we have... She is just wired that way.

The feedback that I've read so far is that maybe I need to be okay with asking for what I want since it is clear that she just isn't going to come up with the thought on her own.
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