Question on approaching wife

Living the real life under lock and key
spaniel86
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

It’s an interesting idea to pressure one’s wife for sex. I would be pressuring her (or rather asking for it) a lot more if she didn’t insist on my orgasm… but as a result I think our frequency of activity is much lower because she doesn’t want it so frequently and because I only want to increase frequency without increasing frequency of orgasm…
as to your question of approaching her? Hell this isnt that big of a deal. You might even find she likes it more than anything else previously.
I admire your optimism on this - I think chances are pretty slim based on all that has gone before. My first step would be to try to reignite the discussion on my low need for orgasms versus sexual activity, rather than going straight for the whole cage discussion! It’s a bit off the table at the moment as we are trying for a baby, and she once told me that she was uncomfortable with the idea of holding back my orgasm on the basis that one day we might try for another baby (excuses…) … so let’s see how this goes and maybe if she gets pregnant (and isn’t too sick/tired/moody with it) we can explore what to do with my redundant semen given no need for condoms or for it to release inside her!

I hate that there’s all this subterfuge, but there’s plenty of time to try this approach before become less subtle.
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DrPinotNoir
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by DrPinotNoir »

MY wife believes she is asexual. She has almost no sex drive.
Her love language is acts of service. Mine is touch.
She was a virgin when I met her.
My wife was always one of the smartest people Ive known.

Communication is something we worked on since 1992 when we met.

I can tell her anything now. 99% of it she can guess and doesnt surprise her.

She loves chastity.. in fact she loves it so much she bought a real device Jan 2nd. She likes how I am. She likes that she can be in complete control and has no sexual pressure anymore. (The fact is. I am getting more and better sex now)

So yea.. it works even if your partner isnt high libido and all these indicators that this is going to be easy.

Im a bit of an adrenaline junkie too. THe insanity of locking yourself up in a chastity cage and giving the key to someone who is asexual is a bit nutty.

Worked out great for us. Im not completely sure she is asexual. I just thing she is not sexual in my same way.
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sls01234
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by sls01234 »

DrPinotNior I am in a similar situation. My wife has some physical isdues as well as low libido. I get your feels about the rush and how it does make her enjoy playtime more.
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Fastredcar
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Fastredcar »

So DrPinotNoir, how exactly did you approach your wife to sell her on the idea of chastity? My wife sounds a lot like yours. Unfortunately she is strictly vanilla and won't even consider using sex toys of any sort. I'm desperate for ideas. Thanks
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slave d
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by slave d »

Fastredcar wrote: Tue Feb 01, 2022 11:09 pm So DrPinotNoir, how exactly did you approach your wife to sell her on the idea of chastity? My wife sounds a lot like yours. Unfortunately she is strictly vanilla and won't even consider using sex toys of any sort. I'm desperate for ideas. Thanks
Not who you asked but here’s my 2c worth. If your wife won’t even try a sex toy then DON’T approach her regarding chastity for a long time. This is a journey not a destination and you have yet to take the first step. Communication is what you have to start outside of the bedroom and when sober. i would suggest you want to start by doing more and more around the house and simply say she does too much so your helping out more. Keep talking and keep “doing” until you start doing things like bathing her and massaging her and doing her nails and hair etc etc …. in other words up the intimacy over and over. Then you might be in a place where sex toys could be discussed which could lead to discussions around chastity as a means of self control for you to stop masturbating etc. my point is that you need a long term plan not a means of asking for chastity in one sentence ! Aim to manage it in 3 months !! Good luck and enjoy the journey.

MsM’s ld
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After a year post covid of “freedom” I am trialing a good old HT V3 nub modified by me to have a glans ring so no pullout. Working well so far.
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Fastredcar
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Fastredcar »

I appreciate your input, slave d. Although she won't talk about it, I've figured out that she'd been sexually abused by some of her brothers when young which explains her aversion to sex toys of any kind. Not even nipple clamps on me. Over the years our sex life has diminished to a bare minimum. While that may be typical for people in their upper 60s I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm hoping that chastity might reignite her passion or failing that, might be a way for her to avenge the male half of the species for her earlier abuse. several years ago I bought her some books on FLR and chastity but she refused to even look at them. Since I retired I've been helping more with the housework but it hasn't earned me any brownie points yet. I'm still secretly trying different cages to find one that fits comfortably. I wore one for two days straight and she never even noticed. I think I have a big challenge ahead of me.

Thanks for your insights.
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gungadn
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by gungadn »

spaniel86 wrote: Mon Jan 31, 2022 4:04 am Now that would be an interesting question to know about everyone’s hiding places be that from their spouses or from their curious kids!
I have a fireproof safe in my home office for protecting important documents. But, it seems to have plenty of space for other things I dont want found as well.
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GungaDN

This is just my experience, yours can.... and probably will.... vary!

Currently Wearing:Steelheart.
Owns: CB3000, CB6000, Steelheart II, Steelheart, various home-built models.
gungadn
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by gungadn »

Hesitate to post, because even after 15 years of trying, I have accepted my wife will never truly "take control" like the women in the fantasies we all read. But, we have come to a comfortable place for us.

This is just my experience, I'm glad different techniques worked for different people... but, all I can speak to is what worked for me.
- What didnt work: Over the years I probably made every possible mistake. I snuck around for years before getting up the nerve to tell her about it. Starting with home built devices and then i bought a cb2k when they were first released.
I read way too many fantasies on altairboy.. "caught with consequences" was always a favorite theme. So, I eventually gave her a key to the device I was wearing and surprised her with it. lets just say that didn't go over well.
I sent her links to online information sites, she never visited.
I bought her the same book others have recommended. It remains, to this day, unread.
I have put e-books on her kindle (Georgia Ivy books). they remain unread.
I have tried having conversations, but, they usually end quickly because she is uncomfortable discussing "kinky" things.

- What finally got the conversation started: I had gone awhile without bringing it up. One night we had a lot of fun. I was not wearing any device or trying to push anything kinky. Don't remember the specifics, but, I managed to hold off on my orgasm and focused on her and she very much enjoyed it. After she had "all the fun she could handle", she said, now we need to take care of you... I responded something like, I guess you have 2 options. Either you can finish me off and we will be done for awhile (im not in my 20's anymore). Or, you can keep me on edge and wanting to please you and we can continue having fun later. I was very surprised when she chose option 2 and said, great, I'm tired lets go to sleep and she rolled over.

Taking the toys and devices out of the equation is what finally opened up a conversation about why I enjoyed this and why I thought she would benefit from it. I was then able to bring the conversation back to the device as as supportive role...

I still dont have a strict Keyholder. She very seldom "demands" I lock up. She has never "pushed the boundaries" into other Kinks. But, she is supportive of my needs and holds the key when I give it to her. And, tends to very much enjoy holding the key when she has it. So, I can live with that.
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GungaDN

This is just my experience, yours can.... and probably will.... vary!

Currently Wearing:Steelheart.
Owns: CB3000, CB6000, Steelheart II, Steelheart, various home-built models.
spaniel86
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Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2021 4:56 pm

Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

Ok - an update of sorts - don’t get too overexcited as it’s not really progress, but some increased understanding between me and my wife following some discussions and my reading a relationship blog that I value:

1) I am fairly sure my wife likes to be “ravaged” via PIV. She likes to be “dominated” - I don’t believe this has any kinky elements though we haven’t ever explored this. she referred to my inclination to be dominated but not sure if she was referring to inside and outside the bedroom and mentioned she doesn’t like this in every situation
2) she feels like she gets satisfaction from my orgasm and is uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t want to very often. She doesn’t like ad hoc teasing because it arouses her when I get hard but then she gets frustrated if no completion for her (which means inevitable completion for me)
3) she really doesn’t naturally enjoy giving touch and even said she doesn’t like hugging me unless we’re lying down as she’s taller and doesn’t like the feeling of dominating me physically when standing
4) she only really feels independently horny around ovulation, I would say around 2 days a month. The rest of the time she could do without sex unless I initiate and literally turn her on. she only really likes early mornings as she is always tired at night
5) she said she is fairly black and white about sex whereas I am open minded
6) she said she wanted me to get a six-pack (of abs) as she thinks that will please her.

So here are my thoughts on this:

1) happy to try against my nature to be more dominant in bed. At the same time I plan to be more demanding with what she does to me in terms of foreplay - currently foreplay is about 5 mins of her getting me going and then she expects PIV to follow then I’m done and then I lick her to orgasm and that’s it… every time. I am thinking of requesting more BJs and touch from her hands around my body (as she barely ever touches me aside from initial work up). Also going to suggest some mild bdsm (maybe a blindfold to start to test out the kink acceptance levels

2) really don’t know how to make any progress on this… I fantasised about her giving me some sort of self tease schedule where she doesn’t have to be physically there but satisfies my need to feel connected to her through my arousal… suggestions anyone?

3) this is not just a sex thing for me - I am 100% touch on the love language spectrum and I feel neglected at times as the only time we seem to properly touch is during sex where even then I am left wanting

4) I am naturally uncomfortable with initiating, not least because she prefers it in the morning at around 5:30am when I am always asleep and also I feel less sexy in the morning. On the contrary, I am also normally much more aroused/arousable in the mornings so this often encourages her to initiate. If I try to initiate at night then rejection probability is much higher. Effectively she has no interest in approaching or engaging with my arousal until it is right there in front of her. See point 2)

5) she commented that my performance has improved since I stopped masturbating 11 months ago but still feels betrayed by this as I did it for around 5 years, starting from when she was pregnant with our first. I get how she feels but she doesn’t know how hard it has been to get this far without any advancement in my own meeting of kinky needs (apart from the knowledge I am being a better performer and not lying about why I didn’t stay hard)

6) I am totally up for this one but I expect her to be open to discussing some of my needs once I am done

Anyway - that was a bit of a brain dump of my thoughts, not really chastity related at all, but sitting deep in the groundwork phase of our journey. Happy to be told this is too far off topic, but if anyone has any comments or advice, now you know a bit more detail of my situation, please do not hesitate!

Best regards
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Byron2002
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Byron2002 »

None of those items apply to my wife.
She has very low libido, is very vanilla and she is not a big communicator about sex (she will talk your ear off about everything else).
As many couples, we started our marriage with a pretty active sex life but very vanilla. (IE She has never given me a blow job).
As years passed, kids came, work got stressful, our sex life got more sporadic.. about 4 times a year.
I have a very high libido and masturbated a lot (every day). I tried to involve my wife in my masturbation, so it is not a secret. She sometimes lets me have her used panties as I masturbate in bed next to her(I love the smell) but she does not like to interact with me very often.
Her participation while I masturbate is less and less, specially in the last couple of years. She used to give me handjobs when I wanted sex but she did not feel like it, then it turned to she playing with my nipples while I masturbated (I love having my nipples pinched) but she has not done so in a while. Recently her participation is less... I ask for her panties as she is putting he PJs on, she says ok, takes them off and gives them to me. Not in a strip tease kind of way but just in a very practical kind of way... usually while she is talking about her day or my day and what we have to do next .etc. I proceed to masturbate while she continues doing what she is doing (reading a book, watching a show, falling sleep).
Sorry. I did not mean to hijack this post with my story. I am new here. I'll have to create a "Journey" post for more details.

Long story short, I am new to chastity (just a few weeks), I am hoping it will increase the intimate interactions with my wife with minimum effort from her but a lot of arousal for me. She knows I wear a cage, I have given her the keys but she is not very active in controlling or teasing. She even tells me where she puts them (IE. I'll put them in my purse, or I'll put them in my jewelry box). Hoping she'll get more into it as time passes.
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