Question on approaching wife

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spaniel86
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Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

Hi everyone,

I’m not currently in a pro-chastity or chastity-aware relationship with a pretty vanilla sex-life. I have read a number of “Journey” blogs and the general common denominator of those relationships where chastity has become the lifestyle seem to be the following:
  • There has been some mutual experimentation with kink in the past even if things were pretty vanilla prior to the introduction of chastity to the relationship
  • The woman has a reasonably high libido - i.e. open to or desiring orgasms at least 2-3 times a week
  • She has touch as a “love language” so is happy to receive lots of physical attention, sexual or otherwise
  • The couple has reasonably open communication about sex
My question is, are there any of you out there for whom most of the above list did not apply, and somehow you were able to get your wife on board with chastity, and if so, what was your approach?

Thanks in advance for your considered responses!
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Tom Allen
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Tom Allen »

"Honey, I ran across this thing that seems like it could be some hot, sexy fun and I'd love for the both of us to try it out. Can I tell you about it?"
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spaniel86
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

Thanks Tom - so are you saying that your wife was relatively kink-averse and generally on the lower libido end of the scale before you sprung that line on her and started the wheels in motion?

I do admire the casual approach of the line you used. Given how seriously I take this topic I doubt I would be able to pull that off!
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by KittensBoyToy »

Very little of what you wrote applied to us. Our marriage was on the rocks after 45 years, mainly due to me and my porn/masturbation addiction. Approaching my vanilla wife about chastity was a Hail Mary pass at best. I wrote a letter to her, printed it on the outside of a large envelope, put the book "Male Chastity: A Guide For Keyholders" inside and left it on her pillow one morning.

Three and a half years later M'Lady anything but vanilla. She is now Mistress and my Dominate.
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Engineer »

spaniel86 wrote: Wed Jan 26, 2022 5:00 pm
  • The couple has reasonably open communication about sex
This is the biggest barrier to knock down... Without it, anytime you bring up chastity or orgasm denial can be a hard stop leaving her wondering what the heck is wrong with either you or, more likely, her.

Unfortunately, communication is a big problem in many marriages and not just talking about sex. And talking about sex for many is...complicated. There are lots of very ingrained norms and expectations. One of the hardest to overcome is that sex is something shameful to talk about or that anything other than "normal" sex is shameful. That is the way many of us were raised and I think it's even harder for women...

I read your Hello world post so have some of the details. My wife wasn't all that different and we had a lot of backwards steps... The first time my wife told me "No" to cumming, she cried afterward because I didn't(That sucked!), now, she would never go back but that has taken years overall. We all get wired differently with our upbringings and societal expectations. Getting over that idea of shame or the idea that anything other than normal sex makes you some kind of freak can be difficult.

Everyone will be a little different, A lot of discussions about sex are best had outside of the bedroom. Talking on the couch or at the table. Ask her questions instead of telling all your fantasies and find out what she thinks, what the resistance is. You'll likely hear lots of labels, weird, kinky, fetish, freak, etc. You have to work out how to destigmatize sexual things. The vast majority of my wife's issues were just along the lines of "that isn't normal". So? What is normal? Do we enjoy things? Then is OK. The great thing about no one talking about sex is none of its public!!

If you ever think its hard or embarrassing to talk about your fantasy, think about her. She has the same issues, likely worse from societal norms. Try to peel back the layers of that onion... and occasionally use a knife to get to the center when required.
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slave d
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by slave d »

i used kittensboytoy system and wrote an email to my Wife. Like them we had been married over 40 years and our sex life was virtually nonexistent. i was a champion masturbator and my Wife was lucky if She got sex once every few months. 7 years later and i haven’t had an orgasm in several years and She usually has a minimum of 3 a week l, a complete turn around. The biggest point is that we couldn’t talk and still have some difficulty doing so. That’s why i wrote Her an email, took days, maybe weeks writing it and wording it and then finally sent it. It wasn’t perfect but it got the ball rolling. Because we’re not good talkers i am now expected to give MsM a written report once a week outlining what we have done and my thoughts and feelings around it. Works for us ! i no longer have the original email unfortunately but would refer you to kittenstoyboy’s thread in journals which has his letter as a beginning. Nothing ventured nothing gained !!

MsM’s ld
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spaniel86
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

Thanks KBT - yes, all those criteria do not apply to my wife and this is where my question is coming from. I did have some issues with the same sort of addiction which I somehow partially managed to kick with self-locking (one relapse in 10 months) and a general realisation that sex is much better without masturbation, but for me sex is even better without orgasm, and that’s where I’m at, and I don’t think I will ever shake this “orientation” if we can call it that.

When you presented that book to your wife was it more of a last ditch hit and hope or did you have any inkling it would actually turn things around for you and your wife completely? Would you say that it unleashed a hidden side of her or was it rather that it provided an outlet for a side of her personality you already knew of?

Engineer - thank you for your thoughts. Yes I realise it’s a hard slog, which requires layer upon layer of groundwork before even thinking about the layer upon layer of psychological/cultural onion which needs peeling back. I fantasise about some unspecified future point when I lay it all out on the table but as time passes that point in time never gets closer, whereas in reality it has to be softly softly baby steps.

Slave d - would love to read the letter you wrote! I have a rough collection of thoughts on flr/chastity hidden somewhere on my phone but it has never coalesced - maybe I should start collating these properly and in a few years I might have a coherent letter!

The times I have broached non-orgasming with my wife - one time she seemed to get it and we had a month where she came 10+ times to my 3 and I was over the moon thinking I had made progress but then by the end of that month she just shut down and said she didn’t like it - basically, she was teasing me and I was just laying back enjoying the submissive head rush whereas she was waiting for me to pounce on her and she expressed that she was against the uncertainty of it all and that my orgasm gave her satisfaction (not sure if this is as a sense of achievement or sexual). She said that sex is not about games, it’s about intimacy - so we are clearly on very different pages. She also in heated moments on occasion expresses her desire to be dominated (again not sure if this is just in the “having my way with her sense” or if she has any 50 shades-esque fantasies. But we never discuss any of these things as I think we both innately know we are on different pages and don’t like conflict on abstract topics (we have very little conflict elsewhere as I try to be an obedient husband and pick my battles very carefully).

What a great forum this is - thanks again for all the responses!
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Tom Allen
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Tom Allen »

spaniel86 wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:33 am Thanks Tom - so are you saying that your wife was relatively kink-averse and generally on the lower libido end of the scale before you sprung that line on her and started the wheels in motion?
That was not totally our situation, but she is a bit on the vanilla side, and not really interested in kink. I used to bring up trying out a lot of things this way. Most of them just didn't pan out - it was just my luck that keeping me locked was the thing that caught her interest. 😂
I do admire the casual approach of the line you used. Given how seriously I take this topic I doubt I would be able to pull that off!
But here's the thing: your wife doesn't have some kind of long term fantasy about this, so it's *not* serious to her. Turning it into some big, mysterious thing is definitely a turn off for most people. In the long run, you *want* her to think it's going to be hot sexy fun, and you want her to share the idea, or at least, parts of it. But you have to explain that it's not to make you wash dishes, or do laundry, or be more loving. Those are all things that women expect their partner to do in the first place. If I ever said to Mrs Edge 'Hey babe, if you lock up my dick I'll do the dishes all the time," she'd get pretty ticked off and ask "So why aren't you doing them now?" That is the approach that most of the websites encourage men to take, and it's stupid.

Instead, if you approach it as a fun thing that the two of you can do *together*, then you aren't feeding some weird ideas of kinky behavior into it. It becomes an opportunity for growing your relationship.
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by Engineer »

spaniel86 wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 10:28 am She said that sex is not about games, it’s about intimacy - so we are clearly on very different pages. She also in heated moments on occasion expresses her desire to be dominated (again not sure if this is just in the “having my way with her sense” or if she has any 50 shades-esque fantasies. But we never discuss any of these things as I think we both innately know we are on different pages and don’t like conflict on abstract topics (we have very little conflict elsewhere as I try to be an obedient husband and pick my battles very carefully).
What precludes intimacy from including games? Food for thought. Sex is about intimacy, but why tie intimacy to an orgasm specifically? Does she come 100% of the time? Why would it be ok for her to be intimate without orgasm but not vice versa? Those are the rabbit holes to head down when asking questions.

Use the intimacy angle when talking because being able to talk about anything is real intimacy, sex is only a physical part of intimacy.

And with dominating... She can certainly explore that even if you like denial, they aren't exclusive in any way. Some times its just a break, anything goes ultimately.
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spaniel86
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Re: Question on approaching wife

Post by spaniel86 »

Tom - I guess you have the benefit of good intimacy related communication, which we haven’t quite developed so well, and guess where we are right now there is a lot of life admin with young kids etc so in our potentially intimate moments my wife’s default is to think about the next bit of life admin. I do my bit, but my brain is just wired differently. I try to do the majority of the chores because I can and get a kick out of her sitting idly while I race around tidying/cooking for her etc. My attempts to assist in kids planning are normally met with her better ideas and greater ability to think ahead. But to your point around trying to be the best husband possible - I am totally on board with your idea that chastity/OD is about fun and intimacy, not about behavioural modification, even though domestic servitude is an aspect of the overlap between this kink and FLR which one can incorporate with consent.

Engineer - you are preaching to the converted! Just need to get my wife on board with the mantra of “couples who play together stay together” though I am conscious that this can be very much misconstrued as a veiled threat so I am shying away from using that term at the moment. There are tonnes of resources out there which say the same thing - Esther Perel has some good material for example. But just need to try to bring some of these ideas into our general dialogue to get out of the rut.
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