Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

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Drewtoy
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Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Drewtoy »

Thank you to any who read this and could give constructive advice.

My wife & I are mild Kinksters, with a relatively healthy shared perspective on matters of consent built over 10 years together. She is a natural domm and I am a submissive. We don't engage in degradation or "slave" lifestyle. I simply defer to her as the one who knows best for both of us, and take pleasure in providing for her with meal preparations, clothes washing, cleaning, and handling her scheduling needs. (our other kinks involve very mild rope, flogging, exhibition, etc.)

Lately however, she has begun to impose chastity upon our marriage. At first she took to denial of orgasms for herself, which privately confused and upset me. But now she has begun to insist that any and all attempts by me for heavy petting etc. are unwanted and offensive. She specifically says that it's not a question of her attraction to me, but about my respecting her "autonomy".

I receive quality time, loving conversation, cuddles, kisses on the cheek, and pecks on the lips. I believe her when she tells me that she is still very in love with me and that she still finds me very attractive.

HOWEVER, she has clearly developed an excitement for the thrills of chastity as a kink (something others here may understand well, and could help me to better understand it), and she is imposing it upon our marriage WITHOUT my consent.

This is NOT MY KINK. She and I discussed this topic before and I tried to be clear about that. I am now awash with terrible feelings stemming from this denial of physical affection in our marriage. And the horror is not just that she is making this choice without my consent, but that this may be a need she will always have and that I could NEVER satisfy.

I've tried to discuss the matter with her but she seems convinced that I simply need to be corrected and reprimanded each time I bring it up. For the first time in a decade, she is not listening to me.

All subs have a say in their relationships.

What does she want?
What does she need?
What should I do?
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Schnoff
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Schnoff »

That’s quite the conundrum.

You say she doesn’t want you to touch her genitals. How about her touching your genitals? Is she still on board with that?

>
What does she want?
What does she need?
>

That’s for her to answer. I recommend to have that discussion outside of the D/s relationship, as equals.

To the same point: What do you want? What do you need?

Once you have needs and wants for both of you, you can see how to fulfill those. To what degree is really up to you - some folk say “needs have to be met”, others are more flexible with that. And even more so with wants. It’ll also depend on whether you two are “it” to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and wants.

It may be you find you are incompatible. That’s a shock after 10 years together. And that may be in ways that aren’t directly connected to sex, for example:

“I need to be able to have clear and honest discussions about needs and wants, without shame or finger-pointing from either party”
“And I don’t ever want to hear about your needs”

In that hypothetical, the possible answer is “we are not compatible, no blame on anyone”

Lastly, re consent: She has autonomy over her body, as do you. It’s not consent violation to say “you may not touch me”. She’s withdrawing consent to be touched. That’s fine.
It may very well also, again, make you incompatible. Hard, and sad-making, and, not a consent violation.
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slave d
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by slave d »

i find this a bit difficult to comprehend to be honest, it would seem that the one thing lacking in your relationship is communication. It’s fine to have kinks up the wazzoo but if you aren’t able to communicate you have a huge problem regardless of anything else. The other thing i would say is in the end what’s good for the goose is good for the gander comes in to play, there’s nothing stopping you also making unilateral decisions as well, so maybe stop doing something She likes as well !!! Main thing though i think is find a line of communication !!!

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Drewtoy
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Drewtoy »

Thanks. She doesn't want any sexual caressing at all. This is not strictly a "genitals" fixation, but an overall sexual denial. She seems to think that generous cuddling and affectionate attention should make a good substitute.
AFAIC, it is not.

We typically communicate rather well. So this turn is a surprise for me.

I doubt that reciprocating this denial by refusing to let her pat my bottom, caress my thighs, etc. would be very effective. She seems to be enjoying denying herself of me anyway. Though it's tempting to stop preparing meals for her or scrubbing her down and pampering her, etc., that all seems a bit petty and unproductive.

I suppose what I'm really hoping for from this group, is perspective on what chastity means for other people. What they get out of it. Because my wife is only now opening up this door for herself, and I suspect she is entirely miss-understanding that there is nothing about this kink that I find pleasant. Does she expect that I will GROW to like it over time? Is that a thing in the chastity community? I need a better understanding of this on my end. And though talking to her directly again will obviously be an important factor, the situation here has become tense enough that I need info from outside sources before I next attempt to confront her.

MY needs are for mild worship and service to her, but I also need the affirmation and exhilaration that comes from frequent and unimpeded sex. That same thing most vanillas expect from a healthy marriage, and the general public would think the absence of to be one good reason for a divorce. (!)

I've had few problems with her doing bondage, degradation, flogging scenes, etc. with other people over the years. In the past year, she has explored a growing interest in being "key-holder"(?) for others chastity, and I've been in discussion about that with her as well, in the way.

But NOW she is taking the dynamics she's gathered from those explorations and brought them into our bed.
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by TwistedMister »

Because my wife is only now opening up this door for herself, and I suspect she is entirely miss-understanding that there is nothing about this kink that I find pleasant. Does she expect that I will GROW to like it over time? Is that a thing in the chastity community? I need a better understanding of this on my end.
Perhaps she *does* expect that you will 'grow' to like it, but only she can tell you what is going on inside her head. I don't believe that 'expecting' someone to grow to like it is a 'thing' but she may have arrived at such a conclusion, whether it is correct or not, through her discussions with others or the reading of certain materials purported to be 'guides' to imposing 'chastity'.

The fact is, though many of us here can be quite similar in some regards, many of us are also dissimilar in other regards. There are *some* kinks that some enjoy, which have absolutely no interest to me and I fail to see how they could be in any way 'enjoyable'- they do not appeal to me and I do not expect that any amount of time will change that...on the other hand, there are some kinks that arouse me, which only a few others on this forum also find arousing, and two or three things that I find arousing that I suspect that nearly all here (and most of the community in general) would view with the utmost negativity, just as I do some of *their* kinks.

We are not all the same in every regard, and we do not all react in the same way to the same stimulus.

We cannot answer for her, you will have to talk to her about this matter.
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Skip
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Skip »

I'll try to answer your actual questions here @Drewtoy, because while I agree with everyone else saying that we can't give you a 1-2 solution and you'll need to talk this out with your wife, I understand that's not what you're asking - you're trying to get some internal understanding so that you can approach that conversation with a bit of understanding rather than befuddlement if I understand you correctly?

Major thing I am not certain about when it comes to your situation - your "chastity" is imposed "only" in the fact that she does not allow your to touch / interact with her sexually, but you would be allowed to masturbate for example?

One thing that's interesting and different from most people on this forum is that yours is enforced without a device, which is very unusual here. For those who enjoy being in chastity, the device serves as more often as a turn-on, as a reminder of the relationship (most devices you can usually get out of). Only a few of the members here, I suspect, actually "need" a device because they can't control their urges themselves if they want to. It's a part of the kink.

There are several aspects that drive us to chastity, and I can't rightly assume that I can list them all, but I can give you some ideas about what's in it for some of us. I'll try to do it from both the locked and the keyholder perspectives... This is in no order other than just how they came to my mind.

1) Some people (both sides) enjoy how attentive it makes the locked person, because the unreleased sexual energy is often put into "getting in the keyholder's good graces" or some such. There's already a point of contention in your situation as it seems, as you describe, you're already quite attentive. This is often described as something both the sub and the KH want and enjoy.

2) Another attraction is simply the control (or lack thereof, depending on who you ask). This is a simple fetish, similar to how people enjoy deciding what the sub is going to wear/eat etc. Not much else to it, and something that seems to be in some way already a part of your relationship.

3) Some enjoy the exaggerated intensity of orgasms after a period of denial (however long). It's nice to have the long buildup and then a super strong release after some time. I think this is mostly for the sub, but I can imagine some KHs also enjoy the fact that they bring their SO to a significantly stronger orgasmic experience.

4) Part of it can be the humiliation aspect of it as well, I think it could be considered as "rare" and especially on this forum it is rather frown upon, but I do think that some KHs enjoy begging to be "unlocked" (in parenthesis as in your case locking is not involved), offering to do "whatever" to be, allowing themselves to "at least" be pegged/prostate milked/whatever other thing to have some sort of sexual release. This seems like something that, based on my limited knowledge, your wife might be into and expecting to happen, but it's impossible for me to tell of course.

5) Sexual jewelry is a minor, but nevertheless existent part of this kink (I have myself spoken with someone who got excited by the fact that "something" was going on down there privately but in public, a bit like long-term buttplug wear, basically). Not your case at all obviously.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a few I forgot and I'm not at all certain if any of these are relevant to your situation. But maybe it helps with what you came here for and that seems to me is a little bit of an understanding of what people find in it (we have a few female KHs here who might like to pitch in and share what they like about this). Either way, I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to her, approach this from a "why are you doing this" as in "what do you like about it" rather than trying to frame it around something being wrong (as you have in the past, since she had to assure you that she still loves you and finds you sexy etc). Perhaps steer the conversation, afterwards, into "what can I do to earn the privilege"... etc. I hope maybe this little tidbit of insight helped at least a tiny bit.
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Drewtoy
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Drewtoy »

Thanks Skip!
I think the aspect I'm being unclear about is that my wife has been exploring light chastity play with others outside of our marriage (which is fine) but has lately been unofficially changing the terms of intimacy within our marriage, seemingly because of her positive experiences with chastity play. There's no device or strict guidelines set down with us because she has simply stopped her own self gratification of enjoying me, as well as shutting down her own sexual accessibility.

But when I voice my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish that this causes for me, she seems to dismiss it as though I were just one more chastity sub enjoying the "torments" (?) of enduring such denial. She doesn't seem to see a relationship between her recent experience and her recent changes the way I do. Is it possible that there is an even stricter code of "personal autonomy" re to chastity that I'm unaware of? Something has brought her to redefine her boundaries?

I would expect many here would love to be in my shoes (incidentally she IS a wonderful top for others) but for me, I feel betrayed. Like she is trying to coax me into this kink against my wishes. It's not fun for me, and it apparently IS fun for her. Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way?
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Schnoff »

> But when I voice my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish that this causes for me, she seems to dismiss it as though I were just one more chastity sub enjoying the "torments" (?) of enduring such denial.

Right, so she’s not hearing you at all. And that’s why you’re getting advice to work on being able to communicate wants and needs with each other, be heard and taken seriously and not judged by each other, and do that outside D/s.

A communications pro, also called counselor :), can be immensely helpful there.

This is a terrible situation to be in, and it has nothing to do with chastity or any other kink, and everything to do with how you two speak to each other and hear each other.

Edit:
> Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way?

I sincerely hope not. If she were, let’s be clear, that’s called “abuse”.

There are a lot of “what does she want” style questions in your post, and we can’t answer that. Nope, there is nothing inherent to chastity kink that negates communication and consent. No, the people in this forum would not enjoy being thrust into a “non-consent” situation without extensive talk and slow ramp up first, even for those who enjoy “consensual non-consent”.

If everything is the way you say it is, then there’s one thing to do: you two need to talk as equals and hash this out, and you may want help to learn how to talk about vulnerable stuff while being able to hear the other and not fall into accusations.

All the best!
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Drewtoy
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Drewtoy »

Okay.
Firstly, thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to write. You didn’t have to, and I appreciate the
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Skip
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Re: Imposed Chastity Ruining Marriage-HELP

Post by Skip »

Drewtoy wrote: Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:41 pm But when I voice my concerns about the hurt, rejection, and anguish that this causes for me, she seems to dismiss it as though I were just one more chastity sub enjoying the "torments" (?) of enduring such denial. She doesn't seem to see a relationship between her recent experience and her recent changes the way I do. Is it possible that there is an even stricter code of "personal autonomy" re to chastity that I'm unaware of? Something has brought her to redefine her boundaries?

I would expect many here would love to be in my shoes (incidentally she IS a wonderful top for others) but for me, I feel betrayed. Like she is trying to coax me into this kink against my wishes. It's not fun for me, and it apparently IS fun for her. Is she waiting for me to "break" in some way?
I don't know how you've approached this conversation before, but you need to get out of the sub / dom mechanic for a little bit in order to discuss it seriously then, just like Schnoff said, trying to break you into it is abuse unless it was consented upon in some previous conversation or something akin to a D/s contract or the like. We can't help you by reading her mind, just share why we got or are into it and hopefully that helps you prepare for the conversation you must have.
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