Lost motivation

Living the real life under lock and key
Lockedchef
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Lost motivation

Post by Lockedchef » Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:08 am

Too long, did not read at bottom.

We've been on and off with Chastity play for a few years. My idea from the get go, like most vanilla couples I was looking for change in the bedroom and different things to try. She indulged me and tried it out and kept an open mind.

It's been difficult at times, loads of fun, and even the source of a couple fights, brought us closer physically, changed the way we approach sex, opened up communication, and taught me a lot about myself.

I've tried out about 6 devices over the years and by far the best one I've owned and the only one I have left is a MM jailbird. Here is where the loss off motivation starts to come into play. ALL of them have failed. No matter the size I can eventually pull out and cum whenever I want. I'm not peirced so isn't an option for me yet. Eventually I might get a PA but I'm a bit of a chicken and it will also require a new device which if I do that. I would probably bite the bullet and get a Steelwerks.

My wife will take the keys if I give them to her but she almost never tells me to lock up. Its something she does because she knows I enjoy it. I do plenty for her and what she likes and make sure it isn't all about me. We are very much in love after 12 years and very happy.

So I struggle with it all the time. I want to be locked up and really really know what denial is like. I want to know what it is like to really give up the choice of my physical pleasure and makes it her decision.

The first day I owned my first cage I came in it. It was crushing in a sense. Yeah I know this is always more mental then physical but knowing the cage is only as effective as my will power took away from the fun.

Here is my confession though. I don't think my wife knows. I've never told here directly I can rub the underside of myself through the bars and cum, I have to be really horny to do it but I can. I've never told her directly I can slip out the back and jerk off in the shower if I want to. I've never told her the security screw doesn't stay tight anymore and I can undo it with my hand sometimes. I never tell her I usually know where she keeps the keys because she is horrible at hiding them.

I think the longest I've gone without cumming is two weeks, she thinks it is a month. I feel like if she knew she would just give up on it and say why bother. Then I think to myself the same. Why do I do this any way? Deal with the discomfort, the feelings, and extreme range of horniness, the feeling of being forgotten because it has been over a week with zero sexual contact and I'm aching for something.

Life, family, and work all get in the way just like all of us deal with so it is difficult to make time just for her and I. I don't want to put more pressure on her about sex either. We have very different sex drives and finding that balance is a bit of a challenge. I've tried to let go, turn control over to her in the past few years but it doesn't always work out well. To deal with my excess energy I relieve myself and start the cycle all over again. Longing for her and not getting the physical attention I want. So why on Earth do i wear a cage at all?

At this point in the post I'm just rambling honestly. Sorry if I lost you I'm just trying to vent a little.

TL:DR: I want to be locked up with no choice. Every device I can cum while wearing. Wife is awesome but chastity it isn't her thing necessarily. I should just man up and tell her all this.
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Schnoff
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by Schnoff » Fri Aug 24, 2018 7:10 am

Howdy! How do they say in AA? Thanks for sharing. :)

So, yeah. Locked up with no choice. Unable to cum. Hot, right? Also, not real. And! That doesn’t mean you can’t play with it, it “just” takes a willing suspension of disbelief.

You will always be able to bring yourself to orgasm in a device. Even if it locks your dick away completely, there’s still electrostim. Where there is a will there is a way.

You will always be able to remove a device, human ingenuity and power tools are a potent combination.

You will always be able to slip out the back if you don’t have a PA. Which, by the way, I recommend getting. Best thing I ever did for my dick. There’s a “so you want to pierce your dick” post in my blog, that recounts my own experience with it.

So, what then? You gotta play the mental game. And as someone who’s struggled with that for 4 years and counting, yeah, I get the whole “why bother” doldrums. And that’s self-defeating. You bother because it brings you joy, and it benefits the relationship. That one you’ll have to define with your wife: how does this benefit her?

In our case, Bear came to love that I am horny all the time, and that he can make me writhe and then deny me. He wants access to the dick, so no device for us. I really encourage you to find out, with your wife, how this play can be fun for her.

The mental part can have many components. There is a hypnosis thread here, maybe that’s you. I used “kink mantras”, affirmations that tell me that I don’t need an orgasm and that orgasm doesn’t belong to me, until I fully believed that. Even so, I’d come without permission. Ultimately it took a nightly ritual - and Bear showing me what coming every 2 weeks feels like, awful, far too often - to make further progress.

Thumper has written extensively on the mind game on his blog.

See this as a journey, a joyful one, to be taken together. Each setback is an opportunity for improvement. Why’d you come? What can you do to avoid it next time? Adopt a growth mindset rather than a failure mindset.

Good luck! And get that dick of yours pierced ;)
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Reinest
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by Reinest » Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:27 am

To quote thumper, and forgive me if it's not exact, "The best chastity device is the one between your ears.". Also, if you're on the edge about getting a PA, may as well go for it. If you dont like it you can always take it out and let it heal over. Just having recently got mine done, I can say it's quite the rush, and I'm not exactly a glutton for pain. Actually hurt less than I thought it would.
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_lj_
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by _lj_ » Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:54 am

There's a fundamental flaw in the "get a PA" argument.

If the OPs wife isn't interested in his chastity now, she is unlikely to become interested in the future, it's not like this was an overnight thing, it has been ongoing for "a few years". All a PA will achieve is that the OP is locked up and can't masturbate. He still won't get his desired sexual activity.

I introduced male chastity into our marriage a few years ago, as we were developing a D/s side to our relationship (also at my instigation) and my wife went along with it but over time it became obvious that she didn't want that aspect to continue, which rendered the chastity irrelevant. The JailBird now spends almost all its time in the red bag it arrived in - I occasionally self-lock for a few hours, just for fun.

I have never tried to escape from the JailBird, as the OP found, escape defeats the point of wearing a device. Chastity is in the mind, it is the relationship, knowing your keyholder WANTS you locked and chaste, and with you accepting that is the way you should be. If you don't have that relationship, and the strength of mind to maintain it, then chastity is not for you.
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cuyahoga
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by cuyahoga » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:38 am

I came to orgasm denial and chastity via an exploration of “tantric” sex. Once you remove the mysticism of tantra, it’s basically about prioritizing the journey (arousal) over the destination (orgasm).

The arousal and stimulation feel amazing, and although the orgasm is slightly better, the orgasm generally brings the arousal and stimulation to an end. So do you prioritize the momentary ‘10’ feeling of the orgasm, or would you rather feel the arousal’s ‘7’ for a much longer time?

That’s been the driving force in my struggle with staying away from the orgasm. I know that how I feel after a couple of weeks without an orgasm will be ended if I orgasm, and I’ll have to start from scratch.

The other thing that helps me, but this is because my wife is paying attention and invested ... she will know. Beyond about two or three weeks of denial, there is a personality change. She is invested, because she enjoys the extra affection and cuddling outside of sexual gratification. She will know, because that disappears in one heartbeat after an orgasm. My wife was never truly invested in my chastity and denial until she began to take note of that, and accept it.

Once she became invested in it for that reason (her reasons), then she began to see the benefit of ‘turning up the heat’ so to speak. And not wanting to disappoint her on that front is something that keeps me honest.
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Schnoff
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by Schnoff » Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:17 am

_lj_ wrote:
Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:54 am
There's a fundamental flaw in the "get a PA" argument.

All a PA will achieve is that the OP is locked up and can't masturbate. He still won't get his desired sexual activity.
Absolutely true. The PA doesn't solve the underlying issues. It's just a good thing to do, regardless. That's a very subjective perspective. Only because OP said he wanted one but was a little scared, did I encourage him to go for it. Nope, it won't solve the relationship issues. Those can only be solved in the relationship. I see no downside to having a PA, though, and plenty of upsides.
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Schnoff
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by Schnoff » Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:20 am

cuyahoga wrote:
Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:38 am
Once she became invested in it for that reason (her reasons), then she began to see the benefit of ‘turning up the heat’ so to speak.
I think that's key. Unless the partner sees some benefit to them, it stays one-sided and ultimately selfish. So, that's the thing to do: Find that benefit to the partner, and make sure they get a lot of joy out of the play. That might mean honor system instead of device, depending on that partner. But those are details.
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easy going
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by easy going » Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:50 pm

I immediately thought of a driving analogy after reading lockedchefs post...

So you know how they put up signs like Do Not Enter, or One Way. Well it's not that you can't drive down that street, it's that you shouldn't.

I just cleared a week in chastity, and several times a day I feel my penis shrivel upwards, sometimes it even feels like it pops out by itself. True i could slip it out, take care of business, put it away, pretend like nothing happened. The wife wouldn't know, she probably wouldn't care either- she's a human rights activistt. It's also true she hasn't rubbed my penis the entire time I've locked it. But I'm not locking myself because she needs more responsibility in her life, I lock it for my needs. I'm the submissive one, and I'm enjoying the ride.
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cycling2work
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by cycling2work » Fri Aug 24, 2018 1:24 pm

hey lockedchef, i hear you!

and it is so refreshing to read someone who admits to "cheating".
Sounds weird, right, we want lock up so we can't cheat but then if we get a chance we do. Not every chance just once in a while.

I just got a PA (yesterday) and deep in my heart and mind I fear that my KH will leave the Key lying around unless I get a new key box (i broke the other one when we both forgot the combination). And then she might not insist at me locking up again right after play. (I will take over this part) So for sure there will always be some opportunities to "cheat" - but I want to make sure there are less and less. As I love being chaste and good.

My Lady wasn't the one who sent me to get pierced. I did it for "us" but also for ME. She actually gave me almost a 100dred reasons or opportunities not to do it but at the end she signed off on it. I am not a piercing guy, I don't have a tattoo and it did hurt but today I am very happy with my decision and can't wait until the healing is over to get locked up again.

If there is a chance that your KH agrees to a PA do it. Start talking about it early. I had been reading about it for 3 years until I started mentioning it to her, partly why she was resistant at the beginning. I remember when I first started reading about them I thought only crazy ppl do that. Now just call me crazy :D
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sherulestherooster
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Re: Lost motivation

Post by sherulestherooster » Fri Aug 24, 2018 3:00 pm

I can relate to lockedchef in certain aspects. My wife is seemingly ambivalent about keeping me locked up but periodically she goes through a period where she wants to deny me. It seems like we both like me denied, BUT she seems to have no interest in caging me; and a big part of what turns me on with denial is when she comes A LOT. She gave me a 30 day denial period but neither I nor she has had an orgasm since that started. I've had a couple of tease and denial sessions, but she's not interested in an orgasm herself. And, while she brings it up on her own occasionally (maybe I should lock you up...) she rarely pulls through. So, I self lock on occasion to get the feeling of being caged, which is a rush to me.

Having said that, my wife would easily notice my change in attitude if I relieved myself. It's like a 6th sense, she can feel if I've jerked off. So I don't. Not that my advice is worth a lot, but maybe just try to remain chaste FOR YOU. As a challenge to yourself. While it's going to be a couple of weeks before I have an orgasm myself, I do take it as a challenge to be chaste. Good luck. Just trying to tell you that I can sympathize.
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