Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

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happilylockedman
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Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by happilylockedman » Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:03 am

Last weekend I was at at a men's retreat organized by a group called Comega (Connecticut Men's Gathering). This is an organization that has been operating for the last 25 years although I just started going last year. Basic principles of the group include acceptance and support of others (and yourself), non-judgement, and learning to be the best men that we can be.

The first night I went to the sexuality workshop that is offered regularly by the same two men ( a straight guy and a gay guy who are very good friends). There were about 20 men there. I knew I wanted to be self revealing but I was very nervous. I was about to tell these strangers that my cock was locked in a cage.

I was the first to speak. I began by telling how the sex life that my wife and I had hadn't been very good. I was having problems with getting and maintaining an erection, which caused me anxiety that I brought into the bedroom. When I approached my wife wanting sex I was also anxious that if she was into it I might not be able to perform. Also, maybe more important, my view of sex was that intercourse and my ejaculation were the defining characteristics of a sexual experience. Everything else was fun but not the main event. My objective during foreplay was to get my wife excited enough to accept me.Once she was ready I entered her if I had an erection. I always rushed because I was afraid I'd lose my erection.

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

Of course, my wife wasn't always at my beck and call for sex. This is not surprising considering what I just described above but even aside from my poor bedroom behavior, why should she be. Sex for me was both pleasurable and a source of anxiety. Because of my anxiety I had to get my courage up to approach her for sex and if she declined it was especially hard. I felt rejected. The easiest thing was to masturbate. It was quick, felt good, available, free of rejection. But after I masturbated I wasn't interested in sex with my wife. So we turned away from each other.

Enter chastity, first as a fetish desire of mine but then as a fine aid to marital happiness. I took my orgasm out of the equation and learned that sex is really about energy exchange. If she's turned on I'm turned on. When I haven't masturbated I keep my sexual edge sharp and seek contact, lots of contact, with my wife. She's usually receptive to it because she knows that it's her call whether or not it will turn into penetrative sex. Usually it doesn't, and that's fine with me because I get enormous pleasure from pleasuring her.

This is what I said to 20 men looking at me supportively. I thanked the group for providing the space for me to be able to do this.

The format of the weekend is that every man is in a group of eight that meets four times during the weekend. This is 'home', where a sense of comfort and familiarity develops. The next morning I told my group of my success the previous night and proceeded to tell them the same thing as I told the larger group. Again, acceptance and support.

Later, at lunch, I was sitting across from a man who asked me how my weekend was going. Very spontaneously I went into what was by now becoming my elevator speech. When I finished he smiled broadly and said "You've got it. You understand that sex is about energy." It turns out he has been a sex researcher and educator his whole life. I loved the validation he provided.

I would love to share this same information to several couples my wife and I are friends with. I think it would elevate our relationships to a higher level. I'm going to suggest that to my wife who I'm certain will reject it out of hand. She'll say "they don't want to hear that stuff". We'll see; I'll respect her wishes. I think it would lead to good things.
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Tom Allen
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Re: Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by Tom Allen » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:56 am

happilylockedman wrote: I would love to share this same information to several couples my wife and I are friends with. I think it would elevate our relationships to a higher level. I'm going to suggest that to my wife who I'm certain will reject it out of hand. She'll say "they don't want to hear that stuff". We'll see; I'll respect her wishes. I think it would lead to good things.
First, kudos to you for your coming out reveal. I'm glad it had such a positive reception.

As to telling your friends - you have to be very careful about that kind of thing. It worked well in your group setting because the guys were there expressly to try to understand themselves better, and to turn some of their behaviors around. That may not be the case with some of your friends.
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happilylockedman
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Re: Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by happilylockedman » Mon Apr 30, 2018 4:54 pm

Tom, thanks for your wise words. You're absolutely right.
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cuyahoga
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Re: Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by cuyahoga » Tue May 01, 2018 6:40 am

I would also agree with Tom about the different expectations that those two audiences would be coming to the conversation with ...

That being said, if you really want to share and just can’t resist, I would leave the chastity cage out of the conversation at first. Start with the most important revelation from your experience, that is, the joy you’ve found in taking your orgasm off the table. That’s a very safe topic to start with and shouldn’t really scare anyone.

Then, when that one of your eight friends that’s more curious approaches you in private an hour later (or three days later), you can guage how receptive they’d be to you revealing a little more, i.e. the cage and the help it’s provided.
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Tom Allen
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Re: Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by Tom Allen » Tue May 01, 2018 12:33 pm

cuyahoga wrote:I would leave the chastity cage out of the conversation at first. Start with the most important revelation from your experience, that is, the joy you’ve found in taking your orgasm off the table. That’s a very safe topic to start with and shouldn’t really scare anyone.
I think that this is a good way to break the ice, assuming that any of one's friends ask or hint at "You and Suzie still can't keep your hands off each other. What's up with that?"
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happilylockedman
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Re: Self Reveal at Men's Retreat

Post by happilylockedman » Tue May 01, 2018 4:01 pm

Thank you both. Leaving the cage out of the conversation makes enormous sense. and, aside from the fact that I need it because I don't have the self control to not need it, it's besides the point.
And unnecessary. Well, unnecessary until I want to masturbate. Or forget about how important giving my wife pleasure is to me. So maybe for me it is necessary. But like you've said, I don't have to talk about it right out of the box.

That being said, I've come to like wearing it. :)
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