The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

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Finn
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Location: Ontario, Canada

The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by Finn » Thu Apr 26, 2018 4:00 pm

Having had a denial fetish for forever, I've found that the best masturbation fantasies were always denial ones. The more severe the denial, the better the edging fantasy, and eventual orgasm. Nothing makes me want to masturbate more than the thought of denial, and nothing gets me aroused better.

Over the past 10 plus years we've explored and worked on a number of things. Getting rid of the need for male orgasm (my wife hates semen, and likes sex done, when she's done) during sex, and to a degree, through edging. Developing a preference for giving, over getting. My own issue is that if I orgasm more than every week or two, I get run down, and foggy headed, as well as a mild depression. Much of this we figure is a result of surgery 20 years ago, where I lost most of my small intestine, and am easily deficient in things lost through ejaculation. The downside to edging over having an orgasm, is that it can be addictive, and time consuming, as there is no real end point as such.

Enter chastity play. The hard part is sticking to it, when the wife likes me being chaste, but isn't into enforcing it. Enter one of our best friends, who is kinky, and knows about the chastity and denial, and the Tantric that we based some of our stuff on. With the wifes permission, she has been in charge of the chastity stuff and denial for over a year now. It all sounds quite strange and exotic, but outside of being kinky folk, we are all pretty normal, boring people. Anyhow......Masturbation was slowly taken away, and a combo of self control and chastity device wear has reached a point of no masturbating, no erections unlocked (unless the wife needs the original equipment, which is rare.) and emptying is every 1-3 months.

The thing is that if I'd read that a couple of years ago, it would be the perfect fap fantasy. Living it, and having no outlet for that desire, is fantastic, but it's also become just the daily routine. Lots of days it just sucks, and is a challenge to get through. I'm glad I'm doing it, and I'm glad I have people who support me, and I can share it with, but the reality is that it's hard work, and now, the odd time I'm allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker who's bought a pack, and feels dirty for indulging the craving, before tossing the rest away and quitting again. In the mind it's going to be all horny, kinky times and fun, but doing it, and sticking to it, takes years to commit to. Posting this sort of thing always feels weird, but I figure some here have been, or are in the same boat. There are days when I'm all worked up, and could post how awesome it all is, and others where I've wanted to post just to know I'm not the only one that finds it really difficult some days or weeks!! :)
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happilylockedman
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Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by happilylockedman » Fri Apr 27, 2018 6:28 am

Finn wrote: "...the odd time I'm allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker who's bought a pack, and feels dirty for indulging the craving, before tossing the rest away and quitting again"

Last Sunday, being out of the cage after PIV lovemaking, I masturbated for the first time in a long time. I enjoyed the feeling but I regretted taking the opportunity. Much like your smoker analogy.

My wife and I have been 'doing chastity' for about a year. At first, I found it exciting to walk around in public thinking "I've got a secret". That has definitely passed. This is the new normal and, yeah, I miss the excitement that came with the novelty of chastity.

I have always been really attracted to bondage and chastity fits right into that. I'm walking around all day (and night) with my cock in bondage and, very important to me, my wife approves and participates and appreciates what that 'cock bondage' has brought to our marriage.

But I still crave more and different. I suspect it's the excitement of novelty that I'm craving more than anything else.
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Finn
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Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by Finn » Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:23 am

happilylockedman wrote:Finn wrote: "...the odd time I'm allowed to masturbate, I feel like an ex-smoker who's bought a pack, and feels dirty for indulging the craving, before tossing the rest away and quitting again"

Last Sunday, being out of the cage after PIV lovemaking, I masturbated for the first time in a long time. I enjoyed the feeling but I regretted taking the opportunity. Much like your smoker analogy.

My wife and I have been 'doing chastity' for about a year. At first, I found it exciting to walk around in public thinking "I've got a secret". That has definitely passed. This is the new normal and, yeah, I miss the excitement that came with the novelty of chastity.

I have always been really attracted to bondage and chastity fits right into that. I'm walking around all day (and night) with my cock in bondage and, very important to me, my wife approves and participates and appreciates what that 'cock bondage' has brought to our marriage.

But I still crave more and different. I suspect it's the excitement of novelty that I'm craving more than anything else.
The excitement of the getting is a high for sure, and then you have to live with the having! I rarely wear the cage when out and about, but do have a ring on my penis to remind me that chastity and denial are constant. At home, I'm always locked. My keyholder is a wonderful queer woman, who finds guys masturbating to be a disgusting habit, and after years of edging, I find it very hard to orgasm that way. When I do have to empty, she really emphasizes that it's a disgusting habit, which actually works great for kicking the habit itself. Weird how chastity becomes normal, and something that was so much part of daily life, becomes a gross habit that you reluctantly engage in once every month or two!
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cuyahoga
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Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by cuyahoga » Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:57 am

I feel like all submissive fetishes are a catch-22...

What’s the worst thing you can do to a masochist? Nothing.

I want my wife to deny me an orgasm, so how can I then say I want an orgasm. She can’t deny me something I don’t want.
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Finn
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Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by Finn » Sun Apr 29, 2018 10:59 pm

cuyahoga wrote:I feel like all submissive fetishes are a catch-22...

What’s the worst thing you can do to a masochist? Nothing.

I want my wife to deny me an orgasm, so how can I then say I want an orgasm. She can’t deny me something I don’t want.
That is essentially the trap isn't it? It's a crazy journey!
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Schnoff
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Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by Schnoff » Mon May 21, 2018 11:46 am

> and something that was so much part of daily life, becomes a gross habit that you reluctantly engage in once every month or two

You do you. Whatever quacks your duck. That's important to say, because there really is no right or wrong way, as long as everyone is happy, lovingkindness is the goal, and it's all consensual.

And, just because this is read by a bunch of people: Of course masturbation doesn't have to be a "disgusting habit". It can also be a normal part of healthy sexuality, done with a partner or alone. And yes it can fit into orgasm control.

Personally, I haven't encountered the catch-22 yet. Plenty of struggles and figuring things out and seeing what does and doesn't work for us. But no catch-22 as such.

I'd say actually the opposite of a catch-22. The more Bear insists on my coming only with permission, and takes charge of the training needed to get there, the more I can relax and leave that to him. There's no "I want to come but I don't" - I want to come and I want to obey, so I do my level best to obey. How often I come is up to him. More often than is comfortable, lately, and, that's not up to me. That's quite freeing actually.
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Finn
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Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:22 am
Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: The catch 22 of a denial fetish.

Post by Finn » Thu May 24, 2018 1:44 pm

Schnoff wrote:> and something that was so much part of daily life, becomes a gross habit that you reluctantly engage in once every month or two

You do you. Whatever quacks your duck. That's important to say, because there really is no right or wrong way, as long as everyone is happy, lovingkindness is the goal, and it's all consensual.

And, just because this is read by a bunch of people: Of course masturbation doesn't have to be a "disgusting habit". It can also be a normal part of healthy sexuality, done with a partner or alone. And yes it can fit into orgasm control.

Personally, I haven't encountered the catch-22 yet. Plenty of struggles and figuring things out and seeing what does and doesn't work for us. But no catch-22 as such.

I'd say actually the opposite of a catch-22. The more Bear insists on my coming only with permission, and takes charge of the training needed to get there, the more I can relax and leave that to him. There's no "I want to come but I don't" - I want to come and I want to obey, so I do my level best to obey. How often I come is up to him. More often than is comfortable, lately, and, that's not up to me. That's quite freeing actually.
That's the great thing about finding what's right for each of us, and for the people who keep us chaste. There's no one right path. My situation is a bit different than most because it's overseen by a queer woman who is also a devious sadist. Both my wife and she dislike semen, and were aware that I spent too much time edging. That's essentially how we ended up looking at masturbation and ejaculation as a gross habit. Weirdly, I also hated the mess, and mood/energy drop from it, so we went the "bad habit" route with conditioning.
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Living with my 2 favorite people, in a semi-poly situation. Serving my Mistress Crosby, who holds my keys.

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