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very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advice?

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:07 am
by healthpm
My wife is super conservative, very old fashioned and grew up in a very religious house where most things are taboo. We married very quickly and she was a virgin. We are both physicians and have been married over 10 yes with several children. She doesn't let me touch her body "down there" other than with "my equipment," and oral is completely out of the question. She is always very jumpy and so I pushed us in the direction of her being in control tying my hands so she would relax a bit. It has progressed to now we bought a cheap Chinese htv2 knock off and we use it for a few hours here and there. We have a great marriage are very committed but I am trying to introduce her to new stuff and move her to being more comfortable with more adventurous activities. The chastity cage is working and she seems to be okay with it and probably is turned on by it but would never admit it.

My question is has anyone ever dealt with anything similar? Any suggestions? Any techniques you might have used or tried? My dream is for her to tie me up and/or cage me and let me give her an orgasm by oral sex but I know she finds it repulsive and when I brought it up in the past threatened to walk out. Love any suggestions or advice please?

Re: very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advi

Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:43 am
by Koala
The most important aspect is patience followed very closely by communication. It seems to me that you're trying to write the script which will be placing her in a role in your script. I'd recommend trying things that would give her the space to write her own script.

I think one of the leading reasons as to why some women don't like to be touched down there in certain ways has to do with a past experience of being sexually abused. No, that isn't sexy to talk about. Even if it isn't true for your wife, treating her with the tenderness and consideration as if it were true may allow her the control she needs in order to explore.

Ask her what she would like and channel all of your energy into that one request. Show her how intensely you want to contribute to her happiness. If she wants a foot rub, rub her feet until she asks you to stop. Be respectful of what she would like and be laser focused on that thing. Throw out your own desires in that moment. Show her over time that you're interested in what she desires and share what you desire when asked. If you know the thing you crave repulses her, just state that you know she doesn't like what you're craving. Let her open the door by asking for more details. With time and energy, perhaps she'll choose to expand how she allows you to give her pleasure. When it's her choice, she's far more likely to enjoy the experience and she knows that you respect her discomfort. Until then, you'll know you're giving her a great deal of pleasure by giving her what she really wants.

Re: very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advi

Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:52 am
by locked4her55
Couldn't agree more with what Koala wrote.

Don't expect her to change overnight. Heck it might take a year or more for her to reap the benefits, and yes, this is all about her, not you.

Patience and communication is "key", and BTW don't smother her with this. For you this is very exciting, for her it's just another day.

Re: very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advi

Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:50 pm
by healthpm
Koala and Locker4her55,. Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply and advice. I am really struggling. I have tried a bunch of the stuff you suggest. I even got her to meet several times with a sex therapist who was a woman and she ran out angry by suggestions that were made. She is very stubborn in some ways is unwilling to consider things. I am not really sure why but I think part of it is that she grew up in a very conservative Muslim country but is not Muslim however it really shaped her views of women and sex and what is acceptable. She came to the US as a teenager. I try to explain to her that you never know what really goes on in someone's bedroom and that it is just about living life, enjoying your body and being happy and discovering what works for us as a couple. I believe she considers my ideas of fun to be outside of what she was taught are acceptable. I did suspect she was sexually abused or raped but she says nothing like that ever happened and I believe her. She was married for a few months as a young girl and quickly got divorced after a year or so, so maybe possible? Again we have been married for 15+ years and have many children and I have treated her like a queen with the hope of trying to make her happy, erase any bad experience and allow her to trust. I think it partially worked or maybe I am expecting too much? Her "vagina no looking or touching rule" has been a killer but will try your thoughtful advice and see if any luck. Thanks again

Re: very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advi

Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 5:37 pm
by Koala
I feel it would be presumptuous to give advice on what would be the best way to help your wife to accept your outlook and approach intimacy differently. It's easy to be frustrated by the seeming lack of progress. Done perfectly, it will always be at her pace which may require a millennium to bridge the gap. She will, however, be more likely to make permanent changes when they are her choosing.

There are a couple of thoughts I have for you to mull over and possibly research with the full passion of your analytical skills. See if you can discard the labels of shy and conservative as a means to describe your wife. Not because they're inaccurate, but because they lack depth. This isn't a suggestion to enable you to describe your wife to us, but for you to know your wife more deeply and intimately. (and yes, I'm being presumptuous here.)

The other thought was to gain as much insight into what are the expectations within a muslim marriage as possible. I was going to read up on it myself and see if I could gain some insight, but, OMG that's too much to digest. ... ties-women That could either offer insight into what she went through or maybe insight into why the marriage only lasted for a year as she may not have been able to live up to her side of the agreement.

Regardless, there is not going to be any simple answer. Just remember to place your love for her ahead of your internal desires to help avoid undermining what you currently have in the relationship.

Re: very shy wife, anyone dealt with this? grateful for advi

Posted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:59 pm
by VinnyDee
Sounds like how my wife used to be. Raised strict and was a virgin when we married at 19. Even when she started to fantasize about sex with women, she never said anything but started to ask her girlfriends to join us in bed. I never asked for a threesome but I was not going to kill the golden goose. We did a drunken wife swap with our best friends. I left it up to my wife and I told her it was OK if she wanted to since she never had oral or penetrative sex with anyone but me and must have been curious. This was pre internet and cable TV days so she had no idea of how sex with someone else would feel. Well it did not feel well and she said she never wanted to have sex with other guy again except for me. She never spoke further about it or spoke about the threesomes we had with her girlfriends. We ended up in a 30 year poly triad with her best friend and she never spoke about it either. She had regular sex with her girlfriend almost nightly but required me to be there to either take part of watch so she could rationalize that it was part of hetero sex.

She never liked to talk about sex or even have me talk about it during sex. This is a great example of how little she examined her sexuality and the sex she was having since we were into BDSM for deacades.
When she no longer felt like having sex after moving away from her girlfriend I asked her if she considered herself bi so I would know if she wanted another girlfriend. Her answer was that she never thought about it before. This is a woman who had close to 3,000 sexual encounters with women over 45 years and never thought that she was bi. She just blocked sex from her mind and was extremely shy to talk about it. At least she is a doer.

We are in our 5th year of chastity and only now is she coming into her own and talking about it. She went from not really caring if I was locked or not to a strict key holder. She told me to call her Mistress today and performs domestic Discipline on me when I do not obey her. She is now 65 so better late than never. With some women it takes time. It took me 4 year to get her girlfriend to be a good sadist to my masochist. Once she learned she went beyond what I had in mind. She took the ball and ran with it but never talked about it. The two ladies did more things that some porn stars do and yet never talked about it. In fact, outside of the bedroom they never even hugged or kissed each other on the check. They name came out to friends and family. So give your wife time and space. Just feed her information and let her go at her own pace.