How do i get my KH to be more pro-active?

[braddogg4345]

My wife and i have been practicing male chastity for 7 or 8 months now. So far, it has been amazing for both of us. I dont mean to sound ungrateful at all, my wife is an amazing KH. But i am having a problem with her being proactive. It just seems that a lot of times i have to lead from behind. Whether it deals with when and how to tease, assigning chores, punishments for not pleasing her, etc. it just seems like i am constantly having to make "suggestions".
From reading other posts, it sounds like i am not the only one with this problem. Is there anyone here who has had to deal with this issue and can offer some suggestions?

[Aarkey]

One thing that worked well for me for a while was to setup a private blog and use it as a journal and posting in it daily - even if just something fast like a single link or a picture. That gave her access to my thoughts, fantasies, etc. The bottom line though, is communicate and do NOT pressure.

[sirmebane]

Now there is an interesting topic.

It feels like there is this balancing act going on between husband, father, weirdo who wants his junk locked up and I do all I can to be patient and let her initiate which she isn't great at doing. She's getting better at it and we're barely getting started.

I established two e-mail accounts that allow us to talk about sexy stuff without having to worry about finding time when SOMETHING is consuming our day and before someone collapses into bed hungry for sleep. No worries about dirty thoughts popping up in e-mail or being in an alert on a phone. It gives each of us time to compose our thoughts, suggest things, be intimate and more importantly be open with our feelings. I usually send her something and then I get a reply, she has only started a conversation once. We're getting used to it all.

On my second lockup, I brought it up right before she was about to suggest it and had I shut up and let her do it in her time - she would have suggested it first. I was too impatient.

On my third lockup, I let her go at her own pace and she kicked things off.

I check in with her both in person and via our clandestine e-mail system and I have gotten really encouraging feedback from her. She is enjoying the benefits, doesn't really get why it turns me on, open to exploring it further, etc.

So much of this is communication, patience and more patience. Don't forget to communicate. And talking helps. I've scheduled a date night which we don't do nearly enough and offered up a weekend away from the kids which we're still working out. Talking about the chastity is good but don't forget the rest of the relationship and keep prodding her for what she wants. Start with chocolate.

I'd love to hear other, more experienced people discuss how they helped their KH transform. My next goal is to get a lockup without knowing the exact term. She wants to schedule it, lay it out clearly and then make sure everything is well understood. I need to help her understand that not knowing it is coming, not knowing when it ends and being teased mercilessly in between is my idea of nirvana.

[TwistedMister]

LOL, only 7 or 8 months? It took more than 10 years for Mrs. Twisted to *start* to kind of get a clue even though after the first month something occurred that should have been like a 1,000 watt lightbulb going on in her head. Even after (more than) 15 years she still doesn't really know how to use it effectively, though she has gotten better. She pretty much refuses to look at any material on the 'net that might even be vaguely pornographic or search for information on her own. (Paranoid about "them" knowing she looked at porn...OK, we both did some work for Uncle which gives her reason to be concerned about what he knows and how he knows it...but at this late stage she still hasn't reached the realization that neither Uncle nor anyone else really gives a rip about our petty porn proclivities, and still feels a need for approval from parental figures even in ordinary things. She's come a long way, comparatively speaking, but still has a long way to go. Even just last week I had to tell her "You're over 50, do what you *want* and screw what anybody else thinks about it...on an ordinary topic.)

Just be patient, some take longer than others. It may take some nudging and guidance here and there before she finds her way. There are some very good suggestions on this forum for ways to increase/enhance communication. Positive reinforcement will also help- let her know how much you like it when she does something that 'turns you on'. Unfortunately, there still seems to be some societal conditioning that women are 'supposed to submit to their men and do what the men want them to do' and you have to gently turn that around, using it to let them see the light shining on the path away from that expectation. I could probably write a 20 page dissertation on the subject but I have other things I need to do at the moment.

[locked4her55]

Unfortunately, there still seems to be some societal conditioning that women are 'supposed to submit to their men and do what the men want them to do' and you have to gently turn that around

Ain't that the truth.

Honestly, it's one of the things that attracted me to my wife 26 years ago and now I want her to be a cock tease, deny my orgasm, be more aggressive towards me, dominate over me and deal out appropriate punishment when I displease her!

Hell, no wonder she can't figure me out.

I try not to top but I have had some instances lately where I have 'pointed things out' to her.

Yesterday she said "when you run errands today could you please drop off some books at the library for me". I paused. . . gave her the 'look' and she replied "what?"

I said "how about you rephrase it by saying, you need to drop off these books for me at the library when you run your errands today". "If for some good reason I can't, then I will explain why I can't and you can decide if my answer is plausible or not".

She's slowly getting it but as she puts it, "I'm learning, and you just need to give me time". I agree, this is a learning curve for her and I need to refrain from topping.

Positive reinforcement will also help- let her know how much you like it when she does something that 'turns you on'.

+1

[Veganpunk]

Do not pressure her!!! My wife and I struggled with this for a bit. We would go days/weeks with no teasing, no orgasms for her, or anything. I would write her letters and eventually she got fed up. She is having some stomach issues right now and life gets in the way, and blah blah blah.

We had a long talk about it. She accused me of topping from the bottom, and said it was her choice when we play. I was taken aback! It was kind of a turn on the way she got stern and took control just like that. But then she turned around and said she doesn't always want to be the one who starts. I was scratching my head? We talked some more, and came up with a compromise. She said that if so many days go by without anything happening, I can request something. A face sit, a handjob, whatever. She still gets to decide if I cum though. Tonight was the first night I've even tried to request something. I asked if I could masturbate to her. She said yes.

The point of this post is, don't pressure her, communicate. That's what worked for us anyway.

I also agree with the above poster about an outlet where you can write and show her things. I send my wife links to posts I make on my tumbler. She reads through the whole tumbler once in awhile and says it's mostly just porn. (It is lol) and she has used some of that against/for me as well.

[braddogg4345]

I have had the exact same conversation with my KH. She will ask me to do some kind of errand or chore. I will tell her "dont ask me, tell me". Or sometimes i will get home from work and find out that she performed some kind of chore, like clean the bathroom or do the dishes. I have to tell her that she should be telling me to do it, not doing it herself!

When i do something to deserve punishment, a lot of the times i have to use a phrase like "if i were you i would punish me". When it comes to punishment, i have been doing a lot of small things that i know piss her off, just to test her. I try to do this to remind her about punishing me, without actually telling her to punish me. I will say that she is getting better. Last week i was punished 3 times in 4 days. So ahe is getting my subtle hints!

To drop hints about teasing, i always take her sexy nighties and lingerie that are usually collecting dust at the bottom of her pajama drawer and i move them to the top of her pajama drawer, hoping that she will grab the sexy nightie instead of the usual sweat pants and t shirt. So far....completely unsuccessful! Lol.

[Veganpunk]

Telling My Love to tell me, not ask, was a mistake I made months ago. The best thing you can do is don't wait for her to ask you. Start doing things you know she wants doing. It takes time. If you guys are anything like us, she's done most of this work byherself for years, and it takes her time to readjust as well.
I just took over doing the dishes one day. She didn't ask me, or tell me. I did it on my own, as I knew it was something she would appreciate. Now if I skip a day or so, and they start backing up, she is a bit more forceful with reminding me to do them. It's not full on dominance, but it works for us for now. She gets more dominant every day.
She hasn't fully spanked me yet either. It's something I want, but it takes time. Last night I came without permission, it was ruined, and it was strange, but nevertheless, she wasn't happy. She gave me one pretty hard slap on the ass for it. It wasn't planned, it was integrated organically in the moment. She gets more and more comfortable with being dominant every day.

So again, be patient, don't pressure her, don't try to top from the bottom. Start by doing chores around the house, before she even asks. The keyholder needs time to get used to this as well, probably more so than us.

[Aarkey]

The keyholder needs time to get used to this as well, probably more so than us.

I agree with this, a thousand times over. So many men already have years of fantasy in their head when they present the idea of chastity to their partner. I have heard countless women talk about wanting to incorporate it in their relationship because their husband/boyfriend is interested in it - but they get turned off by the pressure, the manipulation, the "topping from the bottom" etc. In my experience, telling a woman that she "should do" this or that or the other thing is one of the fastest ways to get her to get discouraged and lose interest in something.

Patience and honest, open, thoughtful communication are the best ways to go about it. Especially if your KH is someone you love. I implore you not to put your interest in chastity above the need to have a loving and supportive relationship.