Where to go from here

[VinnyDee]

It took my wife over two years before she was guilt free, most times anyway. Even now in year 4, she still needs me to orgasm for her in order to feel good about herself. We are currently on a chastity break. Do not know if I want to still do it after so long. I am getting used to peeing standing up and not dealing with being careful how I sit or constantly adjusting myself or applying lube. My wife has not asked me to lock up in two weeks and shows no signs that she wants me to.

The fact that you lock yourself up and your wife does not hold the keys makes it sound like you are the only doing chastity play. Check out the sex forums on the internet. They are filled with husbands who complain that their wives are not into their fetish. After 45 years of trying most sexual fetishes, even the non mainstream ones, I know at least one thing. You cannot expect your wife to have the same sexual fantasies as you no more than you can make her like the same color and smells as you do. All I ask of my wife is to try and she does, but that does not mean she likes what we are doing.

I can only tell you what I did. I did not even tell my wife about chastity devices or lock myself into one. I started her off with teasing and denial. Just a short denial period so that she could see the effect she was having on me when she did not have sex with me every time I asked. For my part I went on the honor system as far as no masturbating goes. Slowly, very slowly, my wife saw the benefits to longer periods of orgasm denial. I would say that I wonder how it would feel with another few days of denial or another week. I even made a game of it. I would bet her that she could not refrain from making me orgasm for a set period of time. If she could I would do something like massage her feet every night for a week but if she lost, she had to give me oral sex every night for a week or whatever I knew she would not like to do every night for a week.

We went on and on like that until she wanted me to go longer without an orgasm because she really got into teasing and denying me. At a certain point I told her that I was willing but I did not know if I could refrain from masturbation for that long. Then I told her about how I found out online that they sell chastity devices for men used for masturbation control. Even some big name drug store companies sold them online for masturbation control purposes. It was all in how I presented it to her. I showed her the CB6000 and she told me to order it if I thought I needed it. I did not give her the keys for a few weeks because I needed it often until I got used to wearing it for at least my waking hours.

When I asked her to hold the keys I simply told her that I could not trust myself anymore, so she took them and hid them. Even than, we took baby steps for the next few months. Year two was when it began to click and become our sexual lifestyle. We did away with all the games and association with other fetishes like D/s. I still was the dominant one in our relationship but she had control over my orgasms and only my orgasms much like she had control over household matters even though she has a submissive personality.

You see that it can be a very long process and perhaps you should stop wearing your device for a while. It would be like me dressing up in BDSM gear and having sex with my wife who did not get turned on by what I was wearing. Baby steps and good communication is the key but even then, if she is not into it, she is not into it and there is nothing you can do about it. My wife is not into some of my fetishes and never will be. She will do some just to please me but I do not enjoy it unless she enjoys it too. I got women into BDSM by starting out with something small like blindfolding, then tying wrist to the headboard but lose enough to get out of. Maybe a light spanking after a two months and so forth. In other words I found that easing a woman into my fetish was the best way to do it. I would never give a woman a whip and ask her to try it. It would take weeks or even months before she was ready to do that and enjoy it. Baby steps.

[newbie]

The fact that you lock yourself up and your wife does not hold the keys makes it sound like you are the only doing chastity play. Check out the sex forums on the internet. They are filled with husbands who complain that their wives are not into their fetish. After 45 years of trying most sexual fetishes, even the non mainstream ones, I know at least one thing. You cannot expect your wife to have the same sexual fantasies as you no more than you can make her like the same color and smells as you do. You see that it can be a very long process and perhaps you should stop wearing your device for a while. It would be like me dressing up in BDSM gear and having sex with my wife who did not get turned on by what I was wearing. Baby steps and good communication is the key but even then, if she is not into it, she is not into it and there is nothing you can do about it. My wife is not into some of my fetishes and never will be. She will do some just to please me but I do not enjoy it unless she enjoys it too. I got women into BDSM by starting out with something small like blindfolding, then tying wrist to the headboard but lose enough to get out of. Maybe a light spanking after a two months and so forth. In other words I found that easing a woman into my fetish was the best way to do it. I would never give a woman a whip and ask her to try it. It would take weeks or even months before she was ready to do that and enjoy it. Baby steps.

Ok, look, I realize I asked for help in taking the next step, but I don't believe I asked for criticism as to what I am apparently doing all wrong. First of all... I really don't understand the comment "The fact that you lock yourself up and your wife does not hold the keys makes it sound like you are the only doing chastity play. Check out the sex forums on the internet. They are filled with husbands who complain that their wives are not into their fetish."

Is "chastity play" not allowed here? Is it wrong for me to be here when we're just doing chastity play? Do I need to be locked 24/7 and punished for any digressions, maybe pegged or something? At least I'm be honest in what I write.

"Check out sex forums on the internet"? Really? I don't exactly surf the web for sex forums, is that supposed to help somehow?

And insinuating that somehow I am one of those "husbands who complain that their wives are not into their fetish". I guess I didn't realize I was complaining, and was actually very excited that my wife seemed to be warming up to the idea of me being in chastity and was also seeing the benefits for her. Did you not take the time to read what I wrote either here and in my Journey entries?

You know, a long time ago there was a guy on here who went by Len51 (does that ring a bell?) and it seemed that every time I asked for advice, or even didn't ask, he would always write about how I was doing it wrong, that I should just stop doing it, and lots of other comments. And then he would volunteer all this information about how he and his wife have all these sexual exploits, and would go into great detail to describe their bondage, cuckolding, wife swapping, etc... to the point where it just seemed to be stories from some dudes overactive imagination. What else is strange is that he completely disappeared off this forum when it became apparent to everyone that he was a phony and we all called him out on it. He left right before you showed up so maybe it's all just a huge coincidence, maybe.

I really don't want to end the thread on a downer due to one persons "constructive criticism" so I would appreciate any feedback from other real guys who are going thru the same things I am.

Thanks.

[Shepherdsflock]

Newbie, don't get discouraged. I also hold my own key. But I can tell you that my wife takes it very seriously. I hold the key because we have 4 small children, her mom has cancer, and her dad has Alzheimer's. She has enough stress and responsibility to deal with and managing my chastity would be one more thing to add. She expects me to stay locked and not cheat when I unlock for cleaning. She would be very hurt if she discovered I ever cheated. And I'm confident that she could tell if I did.

If anything, I think self locking takes greater commitment and shows more love to the wife. It's not something she does for you or even herself, it's something you do for her. And the more faithful you are to your chastity commitment, the more loved she will feel because it's all voluntary on your part. You're staying chaste for her because you want to, not because she has the key and makes you.

There are no hard rules about what chastity has to mean for every couple. I think that's what makes it so appealing. Every couple can decide what it means in their relationship. And it can even change over time. Some couples love to use a device sporadically just for fun. Some like the husband to go a day or two locked up. Some go for weeks or months. And there are even couples like my wife and I who decide that permanent chastity is best for their relationship. None of those scenarios is a "one size fits all".

If VinnyDee thinks that self locking chastity play isn't the real thing, then he and his wife can play by whatever rules they like. And so can you and your wife.

It's like giving a group of kids legos and expecting them all to play with them in the same way and build the same thing. Chastity is a blank canvas that each couple gets to paint on.

I, for one, am glad to know that there is someone else on here with such a similar situation. Reading through your posts I was surprised at how parallel our experience has been. I find it encouraging.

[newbie]

Thanks Shepherdsflock, I also find encouragement here in this forum reading the Journey entries as well as various posts throughout.

It is pretty amazing how many people on here are just like me.

[Shepherdsflock]

In fact, I'll give an example. I was having a hard time this morning. I came home from a week-long business trip yesterday. I got all horny just at the sight of my wife, and was really looking forward to some play time with her last night. Well, she had to take her mother to an oncologist appointment 15 minutes after I got home. She was gone for 4 hours. Then we had a parent teacher conference for our oldest son. Then we had some shopping to do. Then we got the kids in bed, did some laundry and dishes. I was ready to jump out of my skin I wanted time with my wife so bad. We finally got in the bedroom and took off our clothes and started kissing in bed. After a few minutes she wasn't really getting into it and said she just wanted to be held and go to sleep.

I was upset. And I woke up feeling neglected and unwanted. Those feelings probably weren't justifiable, but I felt what I felt. And I actually remembered the comments on your thread from yourself and others and I felt a little better. I'm not alone. There are other guys out there who go through similar challenges, and I find comfort in that.

[groundedBird]

I was upset. And I woke up feeling neglected and unwanted. Those feelings probably weren't justifiable, but I felt what I felt. And I actually remembered the comments on your thread from yourself and others and I felt a little better. I'm not alone. There are other guys out there who go through similar challenges, and I find comfort in that.

You're not alone at all. I'm confronted with the same challenge every day, where I would like her to do tenfold more than what she is prepared, or even thinking, to do. Porn did a lot of damage in this sense because it triggered my fantasy and drove my subconscious to set too high and wrong expectations.

Chastity, when it is goes beyond a kinky sex play, serves this exact purpose: resetting expectations. As chaste men we are no more entitled to have sexual expectations because we want our wives to materialize all theirs, even when they are about of not having sex when they don't feel like it. In these cases we have to bite the stick I guess.

[TwistedMister]

I don't believe I asked for criticism as to what I am apparently doing all wrong....You know, a long time ago there was a guy on here who went by Len51 (does that ring a bell?) and it seemed that every time I asked for advice, or even didn't ask, he would always write about how I was doing it wrong, that I should just stop doing it, and lots of other comments...What else is strange is that he completely disappeared off this forum...He left right before you showed up so maybe it's all just a huge coincidence, maybe.

It is no coincidence. Steve/Lenny/Vinny are all the same person with the same stories here, and the same/similar stories on a number of other websites and blog responses with other aliases, going back a number of years. He has abandoned or been run off of other sites, including OurHotWives, when he wore out his welcome there.

I've made several posts referencing his escapades and aliases here and other places, and I had hoped that in being so exposed he would be smart enough to cut the crap without having to take drastic action...but I apparently over-estimated. I have intentionally made these posts publicly, to add to his tracks and history across the 'net, so that others with the will and skill to look can know his game.

Pay no attention to him.

He has recently been pulling the same shit over at TalkAboutMarriage.com, and they are getting tired of it:

I am waiting for the day I come to this forum and do not see this story posted somewhere on this forum. Seriously dude enough. We get it and it is just getting tired and old.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marria ... oke-2.html

[Jasmic68]

Add me to this growing list! My Wife did enjoy making love but hated getting semen on her and regularly got uti's. Also if I asked her what turned her on, or what did she want or like she would get stressed. Once she got so stressed she didn't talk to me for two days straight!

We started a communication book a few months back and she has at last started writing her thoughts and ideas in it, but it really did take a long time before she was willing to do so. We have discussed this and she has said that it all stems from her upbringing, where she was taught in no uncertain terms that good girls didn't talk about those sorts of things. Also that it was what the man wanted that was important, not her own desires.

This makes my blood boil! Philip Larkin had it right when he talked about how parents fuck you up.

[Jasmic68]

I also struggle with feeling neglected sometimes, but I am getting better at this. For instance we have been on a trip back to England for the last week or so, with absolutely no chance of any playtime. Before chastity I would have been really fed up with this but somehow chastity is helping me get balanced. My Wife has been giving me some funny looks for the last few days so it occurs to me that she is also being denied. We get home Tuesday morning, so I am looking forward to having some relaxed time with her after that. It doesn't help that I am into my sixth week of no orgasm, so I am ready to pop!

Regarding the issue of criticism, I try to remember that what my Wife and I do is not the same as others, but we do take inspiration from what others do. Then we change it to suit us. I have got into some quite heated arguments with people who I have felt have belittled my efforts or questioned my sincerity and to be quite frank now I don't give a damn what they think.

The fact that there are two types of forum members, those who are living the life and those who are obviously complete fantasists will probably never stop, but I don't respond to the latter or let them worry me. Like you say they usually disappear quite quickly anyway.

[newbie]

Thanks for the positive note. I don't take the criticizing entries personally, but I do try to expose these obvious frauds when they try to come across as legit people. I'm not sure it really helps get them off the forum but I feel better for doing it...