a few novice questions

[nervous newb]

I tried doing some searches, so if there's threads that's covered these, can someone pm me the link (or post it here as a reply?

1) I've heard some guys say they've been locked up for 6 months. Does that mean they haven't had an orgasm for 6 months, does it mean their cage hasn't been unlocked for 6 months? My wife keeps me locked 24/7 except for when I shower (and clean my device), and when she wants intercourse. If she lets me out for a tease, does that count as being "unlocked?"

2) Blue balls. Do they ever go away? We've only been at this seriously for a touch over a week (had a 3 day lockup about 2 weeks before that) and I can't got 48 hours post-orgasm without getting a terrible case of blue balls every afternoon. We got this thing because I wanted kinky play, when I confessed that I was addicted to masturbating it became a way to break the habit with 24/7 use (mostly her decision.) Every time I get blue balls I want to tell her that I'd prefer to masturbate even though I feel like I'm betraying her when I do.

3) Frequency of erections: The day after we have intercourse I have a fairly comfortable day in my cage. Erections are few and I don't get blue balls. Starting the next day I get a TON of erections and blue balls by noon.

4) Deep thoughts by Jack Handy/Is there a doctor in the house: If I get so horny that I annoy her into having sex with me to relieve the hornyness, is that any better than me masturbating? Masturbating for me is a very selfish act that is meant for my pleasure only. If I get so horny that I want to have sex just to relieve my pressure, that doesn't seem to be any different than masturbation. If we're trying to break the addiction to masturbation, this seems to be rewarding the behavior of being motivated by the orgasm rather than affection for each other and mutual satisfaction. Is there a psychologist in the room (or other MD) that wants to weigh in on the psychological side of truly trying to break this habit? Well, I appreciate comments from anybody with thoughts on the matter, but a psychologist with a focus on behavioral issues would be incredibly fascinating to hear from.

[knighterrant]

[/quote]

I tried doing some searches, so if there's threads that's covered these, can someone pm me the link (or post it here as a reply?

1) I've heard some guys say they've been locked up for 6 months. Does that mean they haven't had an orgasm for 6 months, does it mean their cage hasn't been unlocked for 6 months? My wife keeps me locked 24/7 except for when I shower (and clean my device), and when she wants intercourse. If she lets me out for a tease, does that count as being "unlocked?"

Generally speaking that refers to orgasm denial for 6 months, although it seems some with incredible strength have actually been CAGED for such long periods. Obviously semantics, I don't think the glossary has this stuff strictly defined.

2) Blue balls. Do they ever go away? We've only been at this seriously for a touch over a week (had a 3 day lockup about 2 weeks before that) and I can't got 48 hours post-orgasm without getting a terrible case of blue balls every afternoon. We got this thing because I wanted kinky play, when I confessed that I was addicted to masturbating it became a way to break the habit with 24/7 use (mostly her decision.) Every time I get blue balls I want to tell her that I'd prefer to masturbate even though I feel like I'm betraying her when I do.

Your mileage may vary, but generally speaking blue balls get better with practice. Usually there is a peak to this feeling during a denial, for me that would be in 2-3 days after which the body takes over and this eventually goes away.

3) Frequency of erections: The day after we have intercourse I have a fairly comfortable day in my cage. Erections are few and I don't get blue balls. Starting the next day I get a TON of erections and blue balls by noon.

In my experience this is part and parcel with chastity. Practice makes it easy to cope with, but it does not necessarily go away.

4) Deep thoughts by Jack Handy/Is there a doctor in the house: If I get so horny that I annoy her into having sex with me to relieve the hornyness, is that any better than me masturbating? Masturbating for me is a very selfish act that is meant for my pleasure only. If I get so horny that I want to have sex just to relieve my pressure, that doesn't seem to be any different than masturbation. If we're trying to break the addiction to masturbation, this seems to be rewarding the behavior of being motivated by the orgasm rather than affection for each other and mutual satisfaction. Is there a psychologist in the room (or other MD) that wants to weigh in on the psychological side of truly trying to break this habit? Well, I appreciate comments from anybody with thoughts on the matter, but a psychologist with a focus on behavioral issues would be incredibly fascinating to hear from.

Not a doctor. This is central to the relationship. If you can annoy her into giving in when she truly doesn't want to, that isn't what this is about. You need to establish boundaries. Masturbation I would say is different. You need to let her know that no matter how you beg, she should only consent to her terms. Some of us would be punished for this behavior resulting in consequences or longer denial. Perhaps suggest that to her.

[Grizzly228]

1) everybody has a different way of tracking it based on their goals and kinks. I count from my last full orgasm as I am not always locked. (But I make a reference to my ruined orgasms too as I feel they do detract from the full streak ie. 21 days with 1 orgasm > 21 days with 1 orgasm and 2 ruined orgasms). You just have to decide what is most important and fitting for your "enjoyment"

2) I get horrible blue balls usually a week in of daily tease and denial especially after an hour or longer sessions. The best advice is don't get them. Lol. Space out your tease sessions or have a time limit. IF you do get them I've heard walking up stairs helps, anything really that gets the blood flowing in the lower body. Sometimes it seems to help other times it just takes time. Maybe suspend tease sessions during this time. I know your pain. Once it starts you don't care about the streak you just want the pain to stop. But trust me it does go away. And you get right back into your normal routine and you'll be glad you didn't give in to your temptation

3) I sometimes get that with erections even during the same session. Last night I was super excited and Rock hard after 18 days of denial. But after an hour and a half of tease and making out, I went soft and couldn't get it back up. Today I'm fine again. I think it's just the penis gets overwhelmed by all the sensations and after a while it just needs a break. Seems normal. I wouldn't over think it. It's just time to focus on your woman until it gets sensitive again.

4) im not a doctor but I've seen one on TV. And have taken quite a few psychology classes. Combined with my experience I would say most addictions are often replaced with another. For Instance my father traded alcohol for Xanax. I'd say a lot of us on here trade the high from masterbation/orgasm for the high of sexual frustration. Now I would not think the "addiction" to chastity or orgasm is nearly as bad as alcohol or drugs but I believe the mechanism is the same. Again you have decide what is your goal and what is your enjoyment. And try not to top from the bottom or make your woman tired of hearing it and scare her away. My woman loves to hear me say how frustrated I am. I'm to the point where I whine and moan and she just laughs and it actually gets me upset not excited. So everyone is different. If it's bothering you emotionally or psychologically id say do something differently but otherwise you just may be overthinking it. Try to relax (ha) and enjoy the ride

[Aarkey]

Does that mean they haven't had an orgasm for 6 months, does it mean their cage hasn't been unlocked for 6 months?

How people define it varies. There is no universal definition. For me, when I say "locked up consecutively" that means I have not had a "pleasurable orgasm" in that time. I can be prostate milked or get a ruined orgasm while in the cage, but that's just how I view it. I know some couples who view any kind of release, (some even including noctural emissions) as "breaking" the cycle and others who view orgasms as a non-issue, it is just a question of how many days they're in the belt. So it varies from extreme to the other.

Blue balls. Do they ever go away?

Again, opinions vary. I think age has a lot do to with it. I get in pain without any release somewhere between 7-10 days (depending on how much teasing goes on.) If I don't have a ruined orgasm or prostate milking, it gets too painful for me. And there's a difference between pain and discomfort. Others can go for months and months on end, saying that the discomfort dissipates in time and it is a non issue for them.

Frequency of erections... the day after...

I'm assuming you mean that you go back in the cage w/o an orgasm, right? If so, that's quite normal. Any teasing and non-release makes it more exciting for me and my body strains against the cage more and more. Some men love regular teasing and denial. Because blue balls is so rough for me, I don't ever encourage teasing. Just being locked up and submissive to the woman in my life is teasing enough. Add in play fun and yeah I do NOT encourage them to tease me any more than happens naturally.

If I get so horny that I annoy her into having sex with me to relieve the hornyness, is that any better than me masturbating?

1) Is "what" better?
2) I suggest not asking a Doctor, and asking your wife. What doe she think? My ex-wife found any begging/whining to be VERY annoying.

[LadyDs_alex]

Every time I get blue balls I want to tell her that I'd prefer to masturbate even though I feel like I'm betraying her when I do.

Are you talking about going off and getting off by yourself?

Have you asked your wife if -- when she isn't in the mood for sex but you are crazy horny -- she would mind unlocking you and allowing you to masturbate while she watches?

If you haven't asked, you might want too. My wife LadyD really likes to watch me do this. Her problem with me jerking isn't the act itself, it is the sneaky solitary nature of it and the way that excludes Her. Also -- and this is a big problem for Her -- it is the pictures and videos on the computer screen that I whack-off to; you know, pics and vids of women who aren't Her.

There is no guarantee your wife is going to like the idea of watching you masturbate. Some women like watching men do that, some don't. But it might be worth asking. Her attitude might be very different when it is going to be her you are looking at while you do it!

[LadyDs_alex]

If I get so horny that I annoy her into having sex with me to relieve the hornyness

Ok. I don't want to tell you how to run your life. But let me be very blunt here: chastity is not going to work for the two of you if your wife lets you do this!

You must understand, the device is more of a symbol and an aid than an absolute confinement. I mean, let's face it, a pair of $20 bolt cutters from the hardware store will get you out if you really want out. (But your wife will know you did it, because even if you replace the lock afterward, her key won't fit!)

You must come to terms with surrendering this power to her. You must make it clear to her -- in a calm moment -- that bullying is something she doesn't have to tolerate. If you press her too hard she (and you) must understand that she can punish you for this! Probably by keeping you locked up even longer.

[Grizzly228]

So true. It's about the power exchange not the lock itself. That's why I am often unlocked. Rarely am I confined, except only by her permission. And I gladly give it up. It's not always easy and we are still learning about each other and ourselves but only you can decide or learn if it's a journey worth taking for you. Everyone is different.

[lockedsteve]

Here are some tips that helped me.

1. What you are experiencing is normal. Most of us go through the same thing.
2. You need to stop yourself from masturbating. You can ask for your wife's help but do not dump the burden on stopping you, on her. She will soon give up monitoring you 24/7 to stop you from doing something you do not want to stop.
3. Unlike others, I have no problem with topping from the bottom when the other person needs to be taught what to do and how to do it. No one is born with the knowledge of how to be a KH. In truth, we all top from the bottom because no one can do anything to us that we do not allow. The sub always has the most power because he/she allows and can disallow, at will. No one is really forced into anything but some like to pretend that they are. Wife locks you up against your will, call the police and divorce her ass.
4. Do not jump into the deep end and start wearing your device 24/7. It took me six months just to get used to wearing it all day and a little longer to were it at night too. I had to get a custom device to wear one 24/7 and my Jailbird is very comfy after two adjustments.
5. Experiment and do some trial and error. Get used to a period of denial and then increase it by a day or two. We took a full year to just get to a month of denial and then another few months before I handled a 3 month stretch.
6. Finally when you are both having fun and want to continue, sit down and outline the rules of the game. Specific rules did not work for us. Boxed us in and were unrealistic. Our only rule is that my wife cannot deny me longer than 3 months. I was pressuring her to go longer which is just the same as pressuring her for an early release. Give her you limits and let her have full control from there. I have a safe word. I can plead and beg and cry but my wife will not let me orgasm if she does not want to, unless I use my safe word. However I never have to use it because after 40 years, my wife knows me well and when she senses that it is no fun anymore for me or is affecting me mentally or physically, she will give me an unexpected orgasm. She does love me after all.
7. This can vary among couples but we found it best not to use game to determine an orgasm date. That gives all control to the game. However, starting off with games to determine your denial period can eliminate the guilt most wives feel by denying their husband. We also do not use orgasms as sexual currency to reward or punish. We never used sex like that and are not about to start now. I think 40+ years of a wild and alternate sexual lifestyle shows that we made the right decision for us.
8. The goal is to have fun unless there are some psychological issues as play. There was for me and still being treated for it. One is writing very long posts. Whether you top from the bottom or side and cum 5 times a week with your wife, the goal is fun and treat chastity as a game with some general rules.
9. One last thing is that I used the same old method of convincing my wife of all the benefits for her. What she said was that she wants all of that because I love her and not because she was cock teasing me. I sometimes think we are supposed to feel the way it is written, so we do. After two years I am the same as I was before chastity. My wife told me that I already was a good husband and that I was smothering her with too much attention. She also said that she enjoyed the housework and only agreed to let me clean up after dinner and since I work and she doesn't, she will clean up if I had a long and rough day. For us the benefit of chastity is in the teasing and denial play. My wife loves it more than I do though. I am fine with having a few orgasms a week. Orgasms are not bad things. However after many years of allowing me to have sex with anyone I wanted to and participated in every fetish or group sex activity I suggested, I owe her big time and as she says, I owe her a few thousands orgasms. Even though chastity is not as exciting as it was at the beginning, I still enjoy it but mostly because it makes my wife happy. Whatever works is fine.

That is it. I went on the honor system to break myself of my very bad masturbation problem. I simply promised my wife I would not do it anymore and kept my promise. .The chastity cage provides with with constant sexual stimulation, a reminder of my promise, a speed bump to give me a little time to consider if I really want to throw away weeks of orgasm denial ( might as well have cum long ago) and feeds my sexual submissive nature. I am submissive only in the bedroom and alpha elsewhere. Chastity is the only fetish we played that spills outside the bedroom so we had to figure out how to deal with that in a marriage where the wife wants to be submissive and does not want a slave for a husband.

[nervous newb]

Great responses everyone! You've all given me a lot to consider, and some things for me to talk to my wife about. Still interested in hearing from more people too, pm or on this thread.

[poptart1200]

1) For my g/f and I, release means my orgasm. She keeps me locked up 24/7 between releases, however, my tube has to come off every 3 days or so for cleaning. I might get a teasing session while the tube is off, but it's not considered a release. When I am out of the tube, I am not to leave her sight. She sometimes will take off the tube for a couple hours in the evening as a reward for good behavior, then I'm locked up before bedtime. Your mileage may vary.

2) For me, blue balls typically happen a couple days after an orgasm. We don't use milking or ruined orgasms, at least not yet. She wants me to feel the total experience of denial. As days go by, I get a constant feeling that I need to pee, I would assume this is due to my prostrate filling up. By day 25 I feel bloated.

3) Erections happen within hours of being locked up after a release. During the first week of a new lock up period, they become frequent, almost by the hour. I experience pre-cum leaking almost constantly. However, by the second week erections subside. By week three they I get a few per day. The frequency also depends on how much teasing I get.

4) Not a doctor, but in my experience, intercourse and masturbation are not the same thing. Masturbation is a selfish act, especially when done in a monogamous relationship, and in my opinion don't feel nearly as good. My g/f HATES the thought of me masturbating and she was hurt to find out that I did it, but was glad that I told her. She doesn't consider it cheating, but it makes her feel inadequate. When I told her there was a way to stop me from masturbating when she was away from me (chastity), she jumped at the opportunity. So masturbation control is the main reason we are doing chastity and she never wants to go back to a life without it.

One way my g/f teases me is letting me inside her while she grinds on me and has an orgasm. That is PIV sex, but I am still denied. PIV sex for us, whether I cum or not, is an important bonding experience. She loves to have me inside her, but she also gets off on denying me, so this is the compromise. I have learned to direct my pent up sexual energy to make her orgasms be the best and to live vicariously through her orgasms.

About pestering her for the chance to make her cum, what worked for us is that I am punished for repeated inquiries. If she says not tonight and I ask her again the same day, I am punished with additional days added to my release. That taught me quickly to not pester her! Good luck.