Talking to the wife

[Curry]

Hi folks,

In case y'all didn't catch my "hello world" post, my wife and I have lightly broached the chastity subject a time or two, and we have been waiting for the right time to really discuss. Well, we sort of made time a few nights ago, and her attitude is still fairly ambivalent with an "I'll give it a shot" aspect. Cool. We can work with that.

I've given her the basic reasons why I'm interested, and she can understand them. Thing is, she's always been vanilla and more or less in the dark when it comes to most kinky or non mainstream bedroom activities. Willing to try, but clueless as to what/how/why. As such, she wants me to send her some stuff to read. (I work away from home for months at a time)

As I've been lurking about here before joining, I've seen some of the suggestions. I plan to send her links to the more common sense pages I've found. The "why chastity" page at kept for her, some of kelmag's posts, some of lion's posts, cagedmonkey, and sarah jameson are all on my list. What am I missing? Basically, I''m looking for realistic, real couple play blogs, and the like. I want to avoid the fantastical type stuff. We do a bit of BDSM in the bedroom, mostly with me on the bottom, but I'm not trying to make this a femdom/permanent denial/males don't deserve pleasure type thing. She really enjoys making me come and watching the results of her work. FLR is fine, as we sort of tend that way in some aspects of the relationship anyway, but we are a pretty balanced couple.

I'm not trying to sell this to her as an "it's all about you and your pleasure, I want to serve you" thing. Some of that may be true, but let's be real: it's a good bit about me. I want to present her with a balanced view of what's in it for both of us.

Sorry for the long post about nearly nothing, but I'm hoping you have a couple more suggestions.

Thank you!

[Tom Allen]

I like Sarah Jameson's earlier writings because it comes from a vanilla wife/kinky husband perspective. I also like I've Green, but she might be too kinky for a very vanilla wife.

Also, I you're looking for an actual book, "When someone you love is kinky" is a great general overview of why someone might enjoy kink, and is a very easy read.

And if she's so inclined, have her sign up here and join the Key holder's forum.

[Curry]

Thanks, Tom. I left you out above, but your blog is bookmarked, as well. I like it.

I actually gave here "when someone you love is kinky" several years ago when I decided I was ready to let her know what all I was actually into...she read a bit, laughed, and told me she didn't need such explanation. She's willing to give most things the ol college try, but she needs a bit of guidance as to what some things are all about.

I'm still not exactly sure what I want out of this, and I don't guess I will be until we give it a try together, but I guess what I want to provide for her is a general overview of real people having fun together with chastity play. Introduction to the idea, examples of how some couples got started, where they are with it now, etc. I guess I've already got some great resources to start. I am just curious if I'm missing some great ones.

And when and if she's ready, I'll point her to the key holder's forum.

Thanks again.

[slave d]

i think most of us started right where you are now and from what i've seen and experienced it all diverges from there because we're all different and want different things and accept different compromises. We certainly tried all sorts of options that we read about or just dreamed up ourselves and slowly things blended and modified to the place we are over s year later where its all starting to really fall into place. i think bith of us have changed our ideas a lot and found things that we didnt think we wanted initially are great turn ons and the other way round. No two journeys are the same. What we found helped FWIW is initially writing a mutually agreed contract for a month (i wrote it but it was discussed and modified over some days before we signed it to make it feel real) and then go from there one step at a time on a journey. The single biggest thing you need, and you hsve it already, is open communication. In our case chastity opened up our communication rather than the other way round. i write MsM a report each week on what we've done and how i feel about it, and that has been a great place for me to open up and be honest, if you can talk face to face then probably even better. Good luck

d

[Curry]

Communication is the deal. It took me a while to get over myself and my fears before I could openly admit when something new and kinky had my interest. She's pretty great as far as accepting me for who I am and what I'm into. In the beginning, since I had kept my kinks hidden out of shame, there was a bit of shock and so we had some big hurdles to hop over. That was about 10 years ago, I guess. Things are much better these days. We can talk about all of the oddities. I'm lucky.

I think I like the short trial contract idea. That puts a limit on it if we don't like it, but gives us long enough to give it a go and make sure one way or the other. Might ask for 3 months to try, though. Just in case...
So, here we go. I guess we will see where this takes us.

[Jedi]

I highly suggest Sarah Jameson's book "Be Careful What You Wish For" as it does an incredible job of explaining enforced chastity in a non-threatening manner. It is specifically written for the EXACT situation you are in. 90% of the book is written for your wife, not for you, and will help her not only understand the "why" but the more practical "how".

My wife was always vanilla with an acceptance of my kinky interest swirled in sometimes. When we first attempted chastity we did it without any information for her on what to expect and what to do. This led to a rather bad outcome as my expectations and her understanding were not the same. A few years later, with the help of BCWYWF, my wife and I mutually enjoy the incorporation of chastity into our sex life and it has really become a rather permanent part of it.

[Michele]

I just wrote a post on our blog on this subject and some of our readers have offered suggestions. It's more on the subject of BDSM in general and not chastity but still comes down to talking to a reluctant wife.

I agree Sarah's book is a good one but is it still ridiculously priced? I don't think it's worth the amount she charges, especially when there are so many other books out there for waaaay less.

Good luck and I love the idea of a short trial with limits then maybe it can expand from there.

[TwistedMister]

I love the idea of a short trial with limits then maybe it can expand from there.

I think that one of the important things is to be careful to not overwhelm one's partner with too much information and set expectations too high. Ease into it gradually, try new things a little at a time. This isn't, of course, applicable only to 'chastity', but to any new situation where one partner has been thinking of something for a while (and perhaps experimenting with it alone) and wants to introduce it.

To take it out of the context of a sexual situation, consider sky-diving- you're not going to take a first-timer on a rocketplane to 100,000 feet for an 18 mile free-fall.

[prthomas]

Over the 5+ years of our journey, our bedroom life evolved from my dominance to my wife's control. This was born not from a need or desire to be kinky, but instead a means for my wife to regain confidence and desire in the bedroom. Over time, I used physical signs and symbols of this transition and a chastity device became one such means of symbolizing her control. When I introduced the idea of a CB, she was also willing to "give it a shot" and has since been excited to see me in it.

If you search for Devotional Sex online, you will come across another blog that is not pornographic and explains a lot about how both a man and woman can embrace the journey of sexual arousal without the man ejaculating most of the time. It is not the same thing as what many of us discuss here, but my practice of Devotional Sex (as it is described) has helped my wife better understand the underlying male desire to be controlled in the bedroom and the benefits for her as well. So she may like reading that site as well.

One disclaimer on this: the Tumblr photo site for Devotional Sex does contain graphic photos. It is the website he blogs on that is intentionally made for women to read.

[lockedsteve]

As others said, most of us were where you are. It took us 3 attempts to get it right. We had to remove all the D/s stuff and make key holding less of a chore. Instead of my wife having to watch me like a prison guard and supervise my showers, I just promised to wear my device and never masturbate, locked or not. My wife eventually fell in love with the tease and denial aspect of Chastity and the part about not having to put up with me after an orgasm was just icing on the cake.

It took us a good 6 months to get comfortable with full time lock up and long term orgasm denial. At first my wife felt guilty about not letting me orgasm and did not consider sex, sex without my orgasms. She got used to it and would never consider giving up her control over when and how we have sex. Like many, I graduated to a custom Jailbird device for comfort for every day wear. I pretty much have lost my desire to masturbate. We have tried various orgasm denial periods with my wife setting them far apart but she always ends up giving me an orgasm earlier out of sexual excitement or me getting cranky. Our comfort zone seems to be around 2 months give or take a few weeks in either direction to add the element of surprise.

My advice is to go slow, baby step slow. My wife benefited by Georgia Ivey Green's Male Chastity Handbook. There is some D/s stuff in it but it is presented as optional things for those interested and not a necessary part of male chastity. My wife enjoyed the book and her attitude about male chastity improved.
http://www.amazon.com/KeyHolders-Handbo ... 1493595377