I know exactly what you are saying as most of us start this way. My wife agreed to a one year trial period. That time has come and gone and we are now living a chastity lifestyle that my wife no longer views as a chore she does to please me. Here are a few things I learned that may or may not apply to others:
- Giving my wife the BS story about how my chastity is for her benefit did not work. It did not take long for her to realize that it was a lot of work and any improvement in my behavior was small and spurred on by cock teasing rather than a desire to please her due to my love for her.
- Making a list of rules or a contract almost ended chastity for us. On hindsight, my rules/contract was nothing more than a thinly disguised list of things I wanted her to do to me while assuming that she would get pleasure out of them.
- Manipulating her through guilt, to give me an orgasm when I wanted it.
- Agreeing to her rules and then getting her to change them all the time if I did not like them.
- Generally topping from the bottom longer than I needed to for her to understand Chastity.
We had a few stops and starts and by the 9th month found what worked for both of us. Here is what we did to make chastity our lifestyle without it being a chore for my wife:
- Find a chastity device that I can always wear so that I was no always bugging her for the key for one reason or another. The CB6000s works well for me but breaks every few months from constant wearing. I have since ordered a custom Jailbird from Mature Metal.
- Eliminated all the complicated and ever changing rules we had and replaced them with one rule. My wife makes the rules and can change, add or delete them anytime she wants without a reason or advance notice and without my approval. If I do not like it, she is happy to hand me the keys back and stop chastity.
- Realized that chastity is a sex game and not real life. She does not want a slave husband and feel that she needs to be mean to me and hurt me mentally and physically and do it out of meanness or wanting to attack my self worth and respect. It is now treated as a sex game where we assume our respective roles that can be slipped into and out of as life and how we feel at the time, dictates.
- We defined chastity play as me doing all I can to get my wife to give me an orgasm while her role is to deny me a full orgasm as long as she can.
- Guilt over treating me bad, corporal punishment, verbally and physically humiliating me were a problem for my wife. She is loving and kind by nature and eager to please me as I am for her. To ensure that she knows that what she is doing to me is desired and OK, we do what we did during our BDSM lifestyle, establish a safe word. If I use it we have a time out and discuss any problems before going back into our chastity game. If I cannot take the number of strokes of the whip I can use it although I have never used it in the last 40 years. This allows her to be comfortable in doing things that she used to think were too mean or hurtful. Now she knows that if I do not like anything she is doing or ordering me to do, I can use my safe word to call a time out to discuss it. This made a big change in her attitude but she still has a problem in calling my cock useless and small since she thinks the opposite but she tries.
- Finally, we discussed what aspects of keyholding felt like a chore to her and eliminated most of them. Instead of her checking me constantly to see if I am locked up and wearing women's underwear, I have promised to do so all the time and do. Since there are no rules for her to follow, she just does whatever she finds enjoyable. There is no expectation from me of an orgasm within any time frame or even of a full orgasm at all. We used to have designated sex nights where she would tease me and have her orgasm. Now there is no schedule. She can not touch me for weeks if she wants. Basically she does chastity anyway she wants and I have no say in it at all. If I do not like it, she is happy to give me the keys back. We do no pretend that I am being forced into chastity and my job was to escape of give myself orgasms. She said I am free to do all that if I want and she will not stop me but then she does not want to play anymore. I agree with here. Why cheat myself. I am the one who asked for chastity so why should I try to escape from my device or make myself cum?
This is what made it work for us. I also bought her an inexpensive ebook titled A Keyholder's Handbook sold by Amazon. It is aimed to the average wife who is willing to try but is not wrapped in leather wishing to make a slave of the man she loves and respects. It explains the psychology of chastity, the roles we each play and touches on all the other side things like pegging, D/s, domestic discipline, cuckolding, etc. . Just mentions them as something to explore if she wants to.
My wife decided that she likes the teasing and denial part the most and rather never have me cum again as she hates the way I get afterwards and we have not had intercourse for longer than either of us can remember due to our past lifestyle, my wife's girlfriend (my mistress) and medical problems. There was an issue of how to punish someone who has no hope of an orgasm. She cannot add more time or threaten not to give me an orgasm.
One day she came into my man cave holding a paddle that my ex-mistress, her g/f, left behind. She told me what I forgot to do and paddled my but until it was red and sore. She like it and liked to bring me to tears. From there she ended up with full force whipping that leaves my but bruised for weeks. She recently bought a cane to leave those wonderful red lines on my butt but is saving it for my xmas punishment. That solved the last problem we had.
To tell the truth I like not cumming. I get depressed after I cum and feel grumpy and unhappy. I like the constant arousal but then again I am in my sixties and lived with two horny women fro 38 years and cuckolded a guy for 30 years. I had my fun and now it is nice when I am old and find getting erections and cumming to be more difficult each year, to now worry about it at all. I just enjoy whatever sex my wife wants to give me. She has also noticed that when she used to let me know she was going to let me cum, I could not get hard for her. However, if she said I was not allowed to cum, I got rock hard quickly. Performance anxiety. Now I know I am not going to cum so I get hard for her easily every time.
This works for us and your situation may be different. Do not try to turn your wife into you private dominatrix. Just start out with chastity for a short time and gradually increase that time to test both of your limits. Find out what you wife likes and how she wants you to behave. She may not like a slave husband who is always attentive. My wife said that she felt like I was smothering her with affection and attention. She wanted to do things for herself and not be told how sexy she was every few minutes or talk about my chastity or horniness. Now I do not mention it but she will acknowledge my chastity at least once a day if nothing more than asking me how her cock is doing today. One of the problems we men have is feeling that our wives locked our cocks up because they do not want to have sex with us. After a while you feel like a prisoner locked away with no one visiting you. Your wife should be made to understand that you need to have her acknowledge your chastity so you do not feel deserted and forgotten about.
I know this is very long but we learned a lot over the last year and finally have a very workable chastity lifestyle that my wife now wants a little more than I do. She does not view it as a chore anymore because she makes all the rules and can eliminate anything that does not give her pleasure. As for me, I had to learn to accept her rules and not the ones I wrote for her that read like a user manual.
In the end we learned that my role was to beg and do whatever I could to convince her to give me an orgasm without annoying her. Her role is to keep on denying me and if she does give me an orgasm, it will never be a full one with pleasure. She likes that idea a lot as she likes me the way I am when I am denied. Wish all of you the same luck we had.