This is a difficult situation for you. However, the chastity part of your changes was consensual. Much as people here like the fantasy that it isn't, he does get to decide if he wants to be locked up or not. The question is more around how things will be from now on. It sounds like his foray into chastity brought some other, more important issues to the surface. Those issues will not go away with or without his cage.
I suggest some serious conversation where you bring up the same points you stated here. It may be that he really wants you to be in charge, but is having trouble making the mental switch from his old role. Having to write you an apology is probably a lot more difficult than you think. It may symbolize loss of control in a way he never imagined. I think if the same thing happened to me, I would probably find the apology way more difficult to take than a spanking or loss of orgasm for a week or two. The reason is probably context. At least for me, I can accept loss of sex or getting spanked as an appropriate discipline for breaking a rule.
The apology would hit me at a much deeper level. I can't explain it in a few words, but it would. I think that is true of him too. It all may be context. You might ask him if a spanking or loss of sex is a better way to let him know you are displeased. In terms of the teasing, I have noticed that teasing me through my cage is way less exciting than it was at first. I don't know why. Even taking me out of the cage and teasing me doesn't feel as good at first. After a while it definitely gets much better. My theory is that being locked up for days on end has desensitized me somewhat. Once I am out for a bit, everything goes back to normal. That might be his issue too.
It might be worth discussing all this with him.
My husband gave up on chastity
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
0 x
Blog: http://www.malechastityjournal.com
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
One thing to also keep in mind: chastity does not automatically imply some kind of D/S relationship. Or, as Sarah Jameson said it "I only control his orgasms".
That is basically what we are doing, any kind of power exchange that exceeds my orgasms only happens in what some would call "scenes".
-K
That is basically what we are doing, any kind of power exchange that exceeds my orgasms only happens in what some would call "scenes".
-K
0 x
Currently using: Steelworxx Looker 2
Owns: CB6000, Bon4, Sentinel (Copy), Birdcage (Copy), Lovejail, Gerecke Desire (Titanium)
Owns: CB6000, Bon4, Sentinel (Copy), Birdcage (Copy), Lovejail, Gerecke Desire (Titanium)
-
maxANDsue
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:08 pm
- Location: NYC and other places depending on work and time of year
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
I keep stopping and starting chastity whenever my wife wants to go longer than I want to. We do talk all the time and have been trying to find common ground. She is not interested in my orgasms, just the teasing and denial part which turns her on. I like orgasm and do not know if I really want to go long term. My wife now wants me to make a final decision to continue with chastity with her actually in control, or discard it as we have done with other fetish play that we both did not enjoy.
I am somewhat apprehensive as I posted in a different thread. My wife is bisexual and could care less if I cum or not. She thinks the whole ejaculation thing is disgusting and has withheld intercourse with me for about 30 years of so. We cannot remember exactly how long it has been. Tonight is supposed to me the time that I either give up on chastity forever or at the least try a three month term and then deciding. I am into week three already but I really want to cum tonight. I have to decide and do not know which way I will go. My wife wants to break the pattern of wanting her to deny me and then quieting when I want to cum.
I am somewhat apprehensive as I posted in a different thread. My wife is bisexual and could care less if I cum or not. She thinks the whole ejaculation thing is disgusting and has withheld intercourse with me for about 30 years of so. We cannot remember exactly how long it has been. Tonight is supposed to me the time that I either give up on chastity forever or at the least try a three month term and then deciding. I am into week three already but I really want to cum tonight. I have to decide and do not know which way I will go. My wife wants to break the pattern of wanting her to deny me and then quieting when I want to cum.
Last edited by maxANDsue on Wed Jul 23, 2014 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
0 x
-
locked4now
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:04 pm
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
MaxandSue
I completely understand your situation and I had a similar situation for a time. Every relationship will be different, but for mine I found some of the people who post on this site have their own blogs. Can't recall right now what the sites are, but I sure they will reply.
I asked my wife if she would be open minded enough to simply read through some of these blogs.... Start at the very beginning and read their experiences. I think it helped her to see what other couples have gone through. We spent a lot of time discussing what works for us and what does not... Takes time and it was not without frustrations, but in the end I think she understands my wants/desires better.
Not sure if you have done something like this with your wife, but it really helped me along my path...
Good Luck
I completely understand your situation and I had a similar situation for a time. Every relationship will be different, but for mine I found some of the people who post on this site have their own blogs. Can't recall right now what the sites are, but I sure they will reply.
I asked my wife if she would be open minded enough to simply read through some of these blogs.... Start at the very beginning and read their experiences. I think it helped her to see what other couples have gone through. We spent a lot of time discussing what works for us and what does not... Takes time and it was not without frustrations, but in the end I think she understands my wants/desires better.
Not sure if you have done something like this with your wife, but it really helped me along my path...
Good Luck
0 x
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
MaxandSue,
Some of this is negotiation. My wife loves to give me orgasms. She has written about it often. So, in that respect we are in the same boat. However, there seems to be two things going on based on what you wrote:
1. You don't like the chores you do when she decides to lock you up. Apparently, you and she didn't agree on what the role change would entail. Would it make sense to sit down and negotiate this? One of the biggest mistakes I think you can make is to tell your wife that she now has "total" control and then when she exercises it to make her life easier, suddenly the meaning of "total" actually becomes "sexual". So, maybe you and she should agree on what power she has and what she can do with it. Not your fantasy, perhaps, but workable.
2. You say you dislike that when she locks you up she gets you off every three days. Two questions come to mind. Why don't you get locked up after she gets you off? and Why can't you work out a method to make your waits longer?
It seems to me that the situation isn't hopeless. It just needs some communication and commitment on both of your parts. Why not go out to dinner and have a discussion as equals? Both of you need to agree on exactly what you will be doing and how you will do it. Mrs. Lion and I have had numerous talks to integrate chastity into our relationship. It's working but it hasn't been easy.
Some of this is negotiation. My wife loves to give me orgasms. She has written about it often. So, in that respect we are in the same boat. However, there seems to be two things going on based on what you wrote:
1. You don't like the chores you do when she decides to lock you up. Apparently, you and she didn't agree on what the role change would entail. Would it make sense to sit down and negotiate this? One of the biggest mistakes I think you can make is to tell your wife that she now has "total" control and then when she exercises it to make her life easier, suddenly the meaning of "total" actually becomes "sexual". So, maybe you and she should agree on what power she has and what she can do with it. Not your fantasy, perhaps, but workable.
2. You say you dislike that when she locks you up she gets you off every three days. Two questions come to mind. Why don't you get locked up after she gets you off? and Why can't you work out a method to make your waits longer?
It seems to me that the situation isn't hopeless. It just needs some communication and commitment on both of your parts. Why not go out to dinner and have a discussion as equals? Both of you need to agree on exactly what you will be doing and how you will do it. Mrs. Lion and I have had numerous talks to integrate chastity into our relationship. It's working but it hasn't been easy.
0 x
Blog: http://www.malechastityjournal.com
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
This is an interesting, and pretty deep topic for discussion. And while it makes me sad to read what KHjetzs and maxANDsue are going through in their relationships, I'm glad they both opened up and I think its a very important topic to discuss here.
I agree very strongly with the suggestions many have made here about the need for open and honest communication. It is absolutely essential IMO to making a relationship work, not just if we're kinky or not, but I do think that adds to the challenges.
As maxANDsue stated...
It is also tough as we are all almost always evolving and exploring. The wants and needs for each partner will evolve and change. It can be terrifically tough to just communicate what we want. Finding the balance between fantasy and reality can be full of challenges.
Reading back a bit about KHJetzs story, it appears that she joined the forum in January, by mid March her husband had given up, and we have not seen her post since the last one in this thread (March 20th.)
This kind of "flame out" is quite common in my experience. Looking over her posts, her marriage of 12 years was primarily a male dominated thing, and the flip it on its head to becoming a Female Dominant thing, well... it appears that didn't work out so well. And that can be all too common.
People get hurt that the reality doesn't meet their expectations of their fantasy. They struggle with mis-communication, and mis-understanding. And sometimes their interests simply don't align very well.
I can wholly relate to maxANDsue's disappointment and frustration at 3 days of chastity. For me, it is much the same. Without more denial, I get disappointed. My current KH likes sex far more than my last did. She likes bringing me to orgasm far more regularly. She wants to see, feel and experience my excitement... however my excitement largely comes from the denial. The feeling of being controlled. So its a rock and a hard place in some ways. I like the compromise of using numbing gels (Orajel works great) to allow me out for her pleasure and use, then to be locked up again. Similar to Tame Lion's suggestion #2
However, she likes to see me orgasm. She wants to make that happen. How is to best balance that? Well... we are working on it. Trying different things, and seeing where it goes. But its not easy. And we try to keep the communication open and slowly, patiently, lovingly work towards finding a happy medium that works well for both of us.
I agree very strongly with the suggestions many have made here about the need for open and honest communication. It is absolutely essential IMO to making a relationship work, not just if we're kinky or not, but I do think that adds to the challenges.
As maxANDsue stated...
I think it is not just difficult, but in my experience, it is nearly impossible. And extremely rare, especially at the start. There's several reasons for it, but I think the greatest is that many people don't realize that the reality is very different from the fantasy. And they aren't able to get past when it doesn't live up to what the fantasy of their mind looked like, especially when it has built up for years and years.maxANDsue wrote:I think that the biggest problem is that it is difficult to get two people to share the same exact fantasy...
It is also tough as we are all almost always evolving and exploring. The wants and needs for each partner will evolve and change. It can be terrifically tough to just communicate what we want. Finding the balance between fantasy and reality can be full of challenges.
Reading back a bit about KHJetzs story, it appears that she joined the forum in January, by mid March her husband had given up, and we have not seen her post since the last one in this thread (March 20th.)
This kind of "flame out" is quite common in my experience. Looking over her posts, her marriage of 12 years was primarily a male dominated thing, and the flip it on its head to becoming a Female Dominant thing, well... it appears that didn't work out so well. And that can be all too common.
People get hurt that the reality doesn't meet their expectations of their fantasy. They struggle with mis-communication, and mis-understanding. And sometimes their interests simply don't align very well.
I can wholly relate to maxANDsue's disappointment and frustration at 3 days of chastity. For me, it is much the same. Without more denial, I get disappointed. My current KH likes sex far more than my last did. She likes bringing me to orgasm far more regularly. She wants to see, feel and experience my excitement... however my excitement largely comes from the denial. The feeling of being controlled. So its a rock and a hard place in some ways. I like the compromise of using numbing gels (Orajel works great) to allow me out for her pleasure and use, then to be locked up again. Similar to Tame Lion's suggestion #2
However, she likes to see me orgasm. She wants to make that happen. How is to best balance that? Well... we are working on it. Trying different things, and seeing where it goes. But its not easy. And we try to keep the communication open and slowly, patiently, lovingly work towards finding a happy medium that works well for both of us.
0 x
"Some people need to be caged before they can be free." - Anon
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
I am not certain about the OP's real situation. One can't tell on a forum. One thing I do know is that virtually all male chastity is initiated by the man. Many wish the woman would just "do it," but this case indicates the problem with female initiation.
I asked Mrs. Lion if she would take my key and take sexual charge. She kindly agreed. In the OP's case, apparently the keyholder says she likes the new power and doesn't want to give it up. In any power exchange (that's legal, anyway), everything is consensual. The keyholder/locked male relationship with any of the female top components can only survive if both want them. Even if there is a "contract", the relationship lasts only as long as both want it to continue.
Stripping the fantasy out of the conversation, if the OP's husband wants out, that's it.
Beyond that, it would make a lot of sense to have a long conversation about exactly what is going on. My experience with the OP is that she comes in and drops a bomb, a long thread follows, and she is gone - assuming she is what she says. In any case I just wanted to throw in the "consensuality" comment.
I asked Mrs. Lion if she would take my key and take sexual charge. She kindly agreed. In the OP's case, apparently the keyholder says she likes the new power and doesn't want to give it up. In any power exchange (that's legal, anyway), everything is consensual. The keyholder/locked male relationship with any of the female top components can only survive if both want them. Even if there is a "contract", the relationship lasts only as long as both want it to continue.
Stripping the fantasy out of the conversation, if the OP's husband wants out, that's it.
Beyond that, it would make a lot of sense to have a long conversation about exactly what is going on. My experience with the OP is that she comes in and drops a bomb, a long thread follows, and she is gone - assuming she is what she says. In any case I just wanted to throw in the "consensuality" comment.
0 x
Blog: http://www.malechastityjournal.com
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
#mcjnl @thecagedlion
My guide to fitting a chastity device:http://www.malechastityjournal.com/livi ... -good-fit/
Locked up 24/7 since January 2014.
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
Very true points, as is often mentioned in any thread where people either don't understand why someone wants a chastity device and/or would pull out of it. In the end, it is all consensual. And without honest and open communication... and usually some real effort to understand and often a bit of compromise, it usually doesn't work.Tame Lion wrote:In any power exchange (that's legal, anyway), everything is consensual. Stripping the fantasy out of the conversation, if the OP's husband wants out, that's it.
0 x
"Some people need to be caged before they can be free." - Anon
-
jblackthorn
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2014 5:36 pm
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
Each relationship is differnt. My wife is very traditional and when in public she wants me to lead, the discussion, the driving, the intorductions. In public she wants me to be the man of the house. I do wear my chasity 24/7 however. But only she knows about it.
But once we step into our home, she takes over. She instructs me what to wear, what she wants me to do, what she wants cleaned, or if I viloated the any of our rules while out in public (rude, swearing, talking about our lifestyle) she will bind me for a spanking etc etc.
-John
But once we step into our home, she takes over. She instructs me what to wear, what she wants me to do, what she wants cleaned, or if I viloated the any of our rules while out in public (rude, swearing, talking about our lifestyle) she will bind me for a spanking etc etc.
-John
0 x
-
ME's_hubby
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:25 am
- Location: Sweden
Re: My husband gave up on chastity
Really interesting topic, sorry for kidnapping the thread...
Me and my wife have been into chastity for a few years now. It has been on for the most part but also off for some. I think that the times when we have stopped playing is related to a combination of me wanting more than she is ready to do and other life-stuff consuming her energy and killing her interest in chastity and T&D. At those times I have always gotten very negative, just wanting to go and jerk off and forget about it all. Cant help wanting back in again after a while though. I have gotten alot better since we started, not trying to top from the bottom and to be patient and give her time to evolve. I tried to talk to her tonight about some light bondage and she took It all the wrong way, as a critique to her efforts as a keyholder. I do not want to pressure her into something she feels uncomfortable with but at the same time i cant help feeling dissappointed. And she can tell that I am, we have been together for 15 years. I'm afraid we are to far apart and that we might spend a lifetime not beeing able to close the gap. It feels very diffiicult to let go of the chastity lifestyle and to go back to what our relationship was in the past, I'm a better person now than I was back then. But right now it feels like I will keep on getting dissappointed and trying to hide it not to hurt her feelings and setting us back months of progress. Maybe, I'm just to emotional right now or maybe we need to take a serious brake and think things over. I'm probably not beeing fair, she has made alot of progress the last year.
Yes, I know I need to sit down and talk to her. I just needed to share, spill my guts a little.
Do you ever feel like giving up? What do you do to pull it together and sticking it out?
I'm currently on the honour system, which i don't mind. Damm, I just keep finding myself going around longing for her to want to do something more than she has been doing for the last year. It's a struggle staying focused at some times...
Maybe I should not complain and just try to be happy with what is?
/Gunnar
Me and my wife have been into chastity for a few years now. It has been on for the most part but also off for some. I think that the times when we have stopped playing is related to a combination of me wanting more than she is ready to do and other life-stuff consuming her energy and killing her interest in chastity and T&D. At those times I have always gotten very negative, just wanting to go and jerk off and forget about it all. Cant help wanting back in again after a while though. I have gotten alot better since we started, not trying to top from the bottom and to be patient and give her time to evolve. I tried to talk to her tonight about some light bondage and she took It all the wrong way, as a critique to her efforts as a keyholder. I do not want to pressure her into something she feels uncomfortable with but at the same time i cant help feeling dissappointed. And she can tell that I am, we have been together for 15 years. I'm afraid we are to far apart and that we might spend a lifetime not beeing able to close the gap. It feels very diffiicult to let go of the chastity lifestyle and to go back to what our relationship was in the past, I'm a better person now than I was back then. But right now it feels like I will keep on getting dissappointed and trying to hide it not to hurt her feelings and setting us back months of progress. Maybe, I'm just to emotional right now or maybe we need to take a serious brake and think things over. I'm probably not beeing fair, she has made alot of progress the last year.
Yes, I know I need to sit down and talk to her. I just needed to share, spill my guts a little.
Do you ever feel like giving up? What do you do to pull it together and sticking it out?
I'm currently on the honour system, which i don't mind. Damm, I just keep finding myself going around longing for her to want to do something more than she has been doing for the last year. It's a struggle staying focused at some times...
Maybe I should not complain and just try to be happy with what is?
/Gunnar
0 x
/Gunnar ...JB since 27/11/12