Arrangement Halted! What do I do? :(

[Jenailaclef]

Hi Everyone,

As of late I've been having some relationship problems/KH identity crises, and just the other day my partner in MC and I decided to suspend our arrangement for a while. It's been pretty upsetting, and I was hoping you could all kind of help me out with this and offer your thoughts.

To give a background for anyone who missed my "hello world" post, we're both late-20's, have been together for a little over a year, but haven't been in a real relationship in the strictest sense because up until now we've lived a semi-long drive away from one another. He brought up the thought of chastity last winter, and bought a JB this spring (doesn't fit perfectly though, and we're thinking about getting something shorter and stainless). He eased me into the idea of MC, and now I'm really liking the lifestyle, having fun, and liked how attentive/sentimental he was becoming.

Flash forward a few months, I get a summer/seasonal job 3.5 hours away, that will last for 6 weeks. For me, it's ok. I'll be back once a week… tease, deny, rinse, repeat. I make him stay locked up for 5-8 days in between my days off and it's something for both of us to look forward to. I send him homework, he has to do things for me while he's there, sometimes I give him punishment that he needs to document via snapchat, etc.

He's been experiencing something else, on the other hand. At first it was great, but his job (we'll say skilled tradesman) demands a lot of him, and other people demand a lot of him to produce time-intensive outcomes/works. He began to find that wearing the JB as much as I wanted him to was, as he put, "impossible." Not just because it's 90 degrees and humid right now, but also for the distance between us. He said he couldn't thinking about anything but me and that it was interfering with his ability to work, and having the device on 24/7 was like a mental block for any other kinds of thoughts throughout the day. He says he became almost obsessive in some ways.

I had left a key hidden in his apartment, and eventually told him where it was and to let himself out for a few days. I hated doing this, and gave him a couple orders for punishing him (though, in a way I thought they were a bit like rewards!). I told him he could have a breather but he'd be going back in it after, at most, one week. We had another talk about the situation and how logistical issues were affecting both of our emotions. Eventually, he admitted that he wanted to suspend the arrangement until I was back. I agreed that I would rather suspend it than let him dictate what was going to happen when I am the KH, but I was at first furious and now just bummed.

He said he really doesn't want things to stop completely, but wants some kind of middle-ground, if I could find one and would be comfortable with that. (He suggested putting it on 2-days before I come visit as a sort of lead up, and then be let out after I left.)
It was hard for me to transition from being a pretty vanilla S to now a KH/D, and so I'm struggling with the in-betweenness of it all. I want him to be uncomfortable (in a good way), and maintain my own control over what ideally should be a FLR/arrangement, but not rush into things so fast that he can't cope.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or similar stories would help me out a lot.

Thanks.

[Tom Allen]

I can't find my blog post on this, but Mrs. Edge and I had similar issues years ago. What you need to understand is that *your* life/lifestyle has not changed, while *his* has undergone a major, and possibly drastic change.

Wait, this post on "Chastity in Real Life" might help.

Wearing a chastity device ironically enough makes you think about sex even more; the weight of the device is a constant reminder, when you're new you are constantly fiddling and adjusting, and at night, you don't have the ability to calm down with a nice, relaxing wank. You go to bed horny and wake up even hornier. Being away from you means that the close, intimate time isn't there to help relieve the frustration.

My suggestion is to "allow" him to remove the device, have a relaxing wank (under your supervision, however that might be possible long-distance), and then have him relock a day or so before you get back. Some guys really need to wade into this, instead of jumping in.

[locked4her55]

He brought up the thought of chastity last winter, and bought a JB this spring (doesn't fit perfectly though, and we're thinking about getting something shorter and stainless).

If it truly is a MM Jailbird (JB) then it is stainless and can be modified to fit better. Just this past year I had my JB shortened. It was more expensive then a base ring or gap size change but it was less costly than purchasing a new one. If my JB or WM didn't fit well I would be discouraged too.

Tom is correct that some people (like me) jumped into this lifestyle 24/7. There are those who may need to ease into it over time.

[KeyheldHubby]

Truth in advertising: I do NOT represent myself as an expert in chastity. My lovely wife and I are on an incredible journey and are "learning by doing."

That being said:

I agree with the other feedback you've gotten this far - especially those elements around wading in before diving in. I've read so many fantasies in which the wife / SO "locks him in a cage and never unlocks him again" or where he is locked up and not released for a year.

It could be that that really does happen with some couples, but IMHO - I doubt it...

It was a huge change for me to be able to masturbate almost every day to not getting a release except every other week.... At first, it was every week or so, but the durations in chastity are slowly and steadily increasing as Mama gets more comfortable with it. When you add in non-chastity-related stressors, it could easily become overwhelming, especially when you consider the emotional aspects of being in chastity (i.e., continuous "horniness", the physical aspects of the cage, etc). I don't know how anyone could go from NOT being in chastity to being in full-time, long-term chastity without going crazy.

I'd recommend a LONG discussion of your mutual goals with regard to chastity. The right answer could involve building up to longer periods while you're together, but then when you're away only having short periods initially. Only changing one thing at a time... It takes time (and in some cases potentially LOTS of time) to get used to being locked up.

Personally? I'm at the point where I could probably survive a month if Mama were here, but two weeks would probably be my max right now if she were away visiting her mom...

Good luck!

[Jenailaclef]

Thank you all so much for your responses! It's late here on the East Coast, USA so this will be short for now.

What you need to understand is that *your* life/lifestyle has not changed, while *his* has undergone a major, and possibly drastic change.

Of course, you're so right. Thank you for the link to that blog post as well. Sometimes it's hard to put myself in his shoes and really imagine what being in a device would be like. The day-to-day struggles not only am I not around for, but don't really understand due to dissimilar equipment. :}
Anyhow, as I reflect on the emotional side, and the denial without more intimate teasing, I realize just how complex a change it's probably been for him.

I'd recommend a LONG discussion of your mutual goals with regard to chastity.

I told him today that I'd like to have a conversation about what a middle-ground could look like, and to discuss what we'd both be comfortable doing.

Again, thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

[poor]

I'll just add that once your KH takes over, no matter how much you wanted to be in this situation it is a mix of crazy/scary/excitement that makes you doubt your own sanity. It normalises after a few cycles but it is pretty intense. I actually ran out the house the 1st time Chatelaine mused about going for a whole week lock-up.

[kpb57]

I ran into a full-scaled anxiety attack about 1 month into the game. Later on I found out that a developing cold had played a major part in that.
Having a talk and establishing slightly different ground rules fixed it. Today I often feel I could go a lot longer when she releases me, but I don't want to be a pest about that.

-K

[mikecb]

I concur with what posters above commented. I think you also have to remember that you're in your 20's - AKA Sexual Peak. The fact that he's so horny all the time that it's impacting his work is a testament to the fact that the orgasm control play is exciting him. Unfortunately, it's just a little too much at this stage.

I agree that you guys should find a middle ground while you're apart. Perhaps you could lock him before you leave for the week, and put the key in some kind of signed, wrapped container. Then make him open it on webcam just 2 or 3 days into the week? Then make him perform on camera, lock back up, and put the key into a lockbox for which you have the key? That might get him mid-week relief. Would that be enough?

It may be that you have to shelve the MC play until you're in one place. Or, perhaps you could find a way to allow him out in "controlled installments" throughout the week, while still having control. Hopefully, with some creativity, you can both continue something that's obviously thrilling and important to both of you!

mikecb

[KeyheldHubby]

I told him today that I'd like to have a conversation about what a middle-ground could look like, and to discuss what we'd both be comfortable doing.

Wish you all the best and hope you keep posting. For Mrs. KHH and me chastity is something we enjoy together with a spirit of fun and playfulness. Not saying ours is the ONLY way or even the RIGHT way to succeed. But it works for us. I hope your path - whatever it ends up looking like - gives you as much pleasure as ours does. For us chastity is a journey, not a destination. It seems to change all the time, which is probably why it's so much fun for us...

[catkar]

Have you considered ruined orgasms? You could have him perform on camera to verify he does in fact have a ruined orgasm, then lock up with a serialized tie wrap and record the number. A ruined orgasm takes the edge off, but the recovery time is much shorter than a full-on orgasm.