Chastity Forums

I've been doing a little more conceptual thinking and I'll throw this out for the group for discussion.

In my blog yesterday, I theorized about a continuum. On the left is the "I can't wait to be released, gimme the key!" type person on the right is the man who has achieved Zen-like acceptance. Probably where a person is on the continuum is a function of 1) how long he has been locked at the present moment; (I suspect men who are newly locked are more towards the left; and 2) how long he expects to be locked--a man facing a three-month lock-up is probably going to work to get himself to the Zen-place because he knows there is no sense agitating about a release since it isn't going to happen.

When I asked Ab where he was on the line, he said about three-quarters of the way towards to the right (the Zen end). He is not particularly psychologically invested in the key he told me. He is beginning to focus much more on the experience.

At the same time, I am sensing some frustration from him which is manifesting itself in different ways. For example, he's been complaining more about discomfort. And, for two days, I've haven't been able to indulge in my morning ball massage. He is sending off the vibe that he is not in the mood. So I am trying to figure out what is going on.

Is he having a harder time with the getting to headspace part of the process? Where is he really on the "Agitated-Zen" continuum (oh, I like that name...look, A to Z!). I also wonder if part of the issue is that he doesn't have a date for his next release and orgasm because...I haven't told him. and I haven't told him because I don't have a date, either.

Thoughts?

D

I think the "I can't wait to be let out" thing (excessive arousal, super-horny) is far to one side while "Why the hell do I wear this damned thing" (impatience, grumpiness) is on the opposite end. The Zen-like perfection is in the middle. I'm always fluctuating...

Oh, interesting. So maybe that's what I am dealing with in terms of impatience and grumpiness.

One thing I worry about, and maybe I worry more than I should, is that he is going to say, "Dev, I'm sick of this. I don't want to play anymore." I suppose men who bring it up to their wives have that same insecurity that she is going to quit. I wonder how realistic this fear is? Ab certainly seems invested but I have noticed more frustration and a slight withdrawing recently.

Of course, he's also very busy and dealing a a couple of difficult situations at work and he has a hard time letting that go (one of the joys of being a small business owner). I know that has a big impact on his emotions.

D

thumper wrote:The Zen-like perfection is in the middle.

Yes. I like this way of describing it although it may be that 'Zen' is more like the hub in the center of a spoked wheel, there are more than just two outside stresses pulling on you.

-A

thumper wrote:I think the "I can't wait to be let out" thing (excessive arousal, super-horny) is far to one side while "Why the hell do I wear this damned thing" (impatience, grumpiness) is on the opposite end. The Zen-like perfection is in the middle. I'm always fluctuating...

Damn I was starting to really think I got it now I'm more lost then ever....


Oooohmmmmm *Trying to reach zen like understanding"

Apologies for the late arrival to the threads, I'm just catching up with all the posts etc and adding voice where appropriate (and often not,..).

My hub and I went through lots of different try outs with chastity. He's been in a CB6000 for over a year now off and on and we've played about with different frequencies and lock ups to see what worked for us. I've been a regular reader and poster on Chastity Mansion for a year or so and saw plenty of posts from people in permanent chastity as well as self lockers and everything in between so we knew there was no single way to work male chastity. You're absolutely right Dev, it does start to take on disproportionate focus (why else so many forum posts) and it is an emotional roller coaster for both. That said, I wish I had discovered it years ago!

We did go through 247 lock up and found that the nightime erections disturbed us both (with him having to get up to relieve the pressure). Added to that the nuisance of supervised cleaning as I didnt fancy leaving my hub in a sweaty plastic tube for too long and the whole thing got a little unwieldy. That said, I loved the changes in his behaviour and mood so I knew we were on to something significant with chastity and orgasm control. We did try a months lock up but there seems to be a two week cycle for him, beyond which enclosure just makes him ratty and moody. I also missed the intimacy of making love and just didnt getting on with dildos and substitutes etc.

Where we've ended up is a MM device on the cards (I hate the CB 6000 , it's so functional looking and unhygenic) with release overnight when he is at home. When he works away on business, he gets a few plastic locks and sends me timed pics. I noted a reluctance for him to get back into his device at times and we had lots of discussions about whether he wanted to continue in chastity. He is clear that orgasm control makes him happy and centred so after a period of him being out on the honour system, wearing a glans ring and then losing it followed by it's replacement, he's back in a cage and let out overnight. In the morning he showers and puts his cage back on. We have a behavioural contract that we both spent a lot of time on and in it, I agree to give him a guaranteed orgasm every two weeks - in whatever way I deem fit. I rarely push him out to two weeks and when I do, it's usually to prove a point. I used to get whinges about the device - when these got really annoying, I threatened to chuck it in the bin and sod the whole thing off. That quietened him down and we seem to have now found our pace. It takes an awful lot of communication, love, patience and a willingness to make it work.

I'd say that chastity agreements are as individual as marriages and each has it's own dynamic that is built gradually.

Dev wrote:
One thing I worry about, and maybe I worry more than I should, is that he is going to say, "Dev, I'm sick of this. I don't want to play anymore." I suppose men who bring it up to their wives have that same insecurity that she is going to quit. I wonder how realistic this fear is?

D

As the person who did not initiate the idea of chastity in our relationship I can say that this is most likely not the case. If so, I hope he would sit down with you and have a discussion about it. Obviously you have had to have some pretty personal conversations within the realms of practicing MC, and I would expect this would be no different.
And yes, Jnuts is concerned that I am going to decide that I am done with it and do not want to play anymore. I think that is normal given the situation.

We have only been doing this for what, a month? I already can't imagine going back to cumming whenever I want. That just doesn't seem normal anymore. It seems like a waste. Of course there is a fear of Belle just dropping it. I don't think that is going to happen though because we both think it is benefiting us.

Dev wrote:Of course, he's also very busy and dealing a a couple of difficult situations at work and he has a hard time letting that go (one of the joys of being a small business owner). I know that has a big impact on his emotions.

I own a business myself, so I totally know what that means. I can add a bit of insight that may or may not be useful to you.

When my business was really hitting the skids a few years back, I looked for sex and sexual release to be an outlet. When that wasn't forthcoming from Belle, I found it somewhere else. Bottom line is, I needed the distraction and orgasmic release was the main way I found it, either by my own hand or outside our relationship. I'm not using it as an excuse for my infidelity, but I have wondered if I was especially vulnerable to making the decisions I made because of the incredible stress I was going through.

ANYWAY, what I'm saying is, orgasm is a way guys relax and de-stress. For me, the more stressed I am at work the more I want it. PLUS, the hormonal roller coaster denial can sometimes be just adds to that. I think the times I've become withdrawn from Belle and sort of feeling anti-chastity are those times when I was experiencing stress and didn't feel like my chastity was being...I don't know...appreciated. Or recognized. Or something. What I need from Belle in those times is a strong keyholder. Someone who makes it clear how much what I'm going through means to them. Someone who can help me be strong when my resolution waivers. A firm but gentle hand. If you get what I'm saying.

If it should come to pass that you both agree a break is necessary, then take one. It's not the end of the world. I guarantee that as soon as the headwinds abate, he'll be ready for more.

What I need from Belle in those times is a strong keyholder. Someone who makes it clear how much what I'm going through means to them. Someone who can help me be strong when my resolution waivers. A firm but gentle hand. If you get what I'm saying.

Thanks for this. This echoes what Celtic Queen said in another thread. Be steady but firm. I can do that (easily) but the reminder and support from you guys helps to make it clear.

We had a good conversation at dinner about a ton of things, including bullies in the past. LOL. But I did bring up that I missed my ball massages in the morning and guess what! We had an impromptu post-prandial ball massage. Works for me. And a promise that we'll work harder on paying attention to vibes and emotions early in the morning.

I am feeling much better right now than I was a few hours ago. This is good. I love having a chaste husband and I love being a chaste wife in this loving relationship.

D