But what do I get out of this?

[wonderingwife]

Husband is bugging me to try this kind of play. Just doing some looking around for information.

[Locked by LRC]

Welcome wonderingwife. Hope we can help you and your husband. If you would feel more comfortable discussing with women there is a Key Holder only section. Ask a moderator to allow you access.

[wonderingwife]

Thanks for the welcome and the info. I have been added to the KH group. My husband found the site and asked me to check it out because it had a section for women. I don’t think this is going to be my cup of tea but he isn’t letting it go and he’s already bought three of the devices without telling me or asking me if I would be interested. I may not be in the right place for information/advice because right now I just want to know how to get him to drop the whole topic.

[MrAtticusFinch]

Husband is bugging me to try this kind of play. Just doing some looking around for information.

Good morning...
There is a very real and scientific reason why your husband would want to try this. It is all about the build up, drop off and recovery of different neurochemicals and the increase and decrease in the reward circuitry.
Our experience, much like many others I suspect, has been to see me become much more attentive, loving and patient towards her. I was already pretty good anyway, but even I saw the transformation.
Go on... Give it a try.
We set up a contract for a month that laid out the expectations really clearly. She hadn't heard of anything even remotely similar until I brought it up. She bought in really quickly, though, and it has been wonderful.
It can take between 7 and 14 days for the dopamine to replenish. If you have an experience similar to ours you could start to see benefits very quickly, but make sure that you control his orgasms for at least a couple of weeks at the start.
Pay him plenty of attention and let him pay you plenty of attention for the best results.
I hope you'll find this helpful.

Enjoy!

[wonderingwife]

Thank you for the response. I guess I’m just not seeing much in the whole idea for me. He told me being locked up would make him more attentive and what went through my mind was the fact he shouldn’t have to have some kind of gadget on his penis to be an attentive husband and it would also mean we would stop having PIV sex while he got to get something he is after. I’m not sure I like the idea of giving up something so he can get a fantasy fulfilled. I also know that when he goes more than four or five days without some kind of orgasm he turns into a real bear. That was never a problem because I am a very sexual person and enjoy sex.

I’ve read all the information about how there is supposed to be some kind of science behind it but I’m not real impressed because he gave me a book about how the need to be a cuckold is scientific. I feel like the only science behind this is something that is good for him but not so good for me. He is forever dreaming up new ways to improve our sex life but all the improvements always mean me doing something new for him and I am the one who has to do all the work to get him what he wants. If I hear “but you get to be in control of my orgasms” one more time I may kick a hole in the wall because I have control of them now,without something locked on his penis. We have sex two or three times a week, that's what I want, to me that being in control. To me it looks like just another toy to add to the list of toys he has bought over the last 17 years to make things “new and improved”.

I really don’t mean to be negative .To each their own, and if it works for some people that is great but I just don’t see where it would be something I would be interested in. No matter what he says it still comes back to the fact he is asking me to do without so he can have, and I am not real happy with the fact he went behind my back and bought the devices before he talked to me about the whole idea. I feel like I am being manipulated. He’s done some silly stuff in the past to get something he wants added to our sex life but he has never gone behind my back like this. I just want him to get the message what he is asking for means he is asking me to do without so he can have.

I already pay him plenty of attention when it comes to sex, in life over all for that matter, so I guess I am confused by the idea he needs to be “locked up” for more attention. It just seems like a lot more work for me before we can even have sex because he knows I wouldn’t be content with just oral sex for me and waiting around until it is time to unlock him in "x" amount of days before we can have PIV. Sorry I am rambling.

[locked4her55]

wonderingwife,

Three years ago my wife was saying some of the very same things. I began the adventure without her knowledge too. Now if you ask her (keeperof55 on the KH's side) she will tell you that our sexual relationship was good before, but now it's great. She has told me after 22+ years of wonderful marriage that life, and not all of it sexual couldn't be better.

My advice would be to agree to a trial period. Let's say one month, and during that month you set the ground rules. That could mean things like no whinning, no "chastity information overload", no begging, help with things around the house, footrubs even in the middle of the game! He violates the rules then the game is over. Get the idea.

It may not happen overnight but you may be surprised, like a lot of KH's here of the benefits of being a Key Holder.

[wonderingwife]

Thank you, I do appreciate the input but I am getting frustrated with him because he isn’t listening to me when I say for me to “just give it a try” as is being suggested here, means I have to give up something I really enjoy ( P.I.V. sex) so he can have something he is asking for. In a roundabout way I am being forced into unasked for extended chastity to give him what he is asking for. Not to mention I am still confounded by the idea he needs to have a something attached to his penis to be a better partner. He has always been a great partner so this really has me dumbfounded. It is like he is saying he hasn't been the best he can be and he will be better if I just "lock him up".That’s like me telling him I will be willing to be a better wife, better then I have been in the past, because I can be better BUT only IF he makes at least a million dollars a year and let me spend $900,000.00 any way I want to. Out of all the things he has come up to try over 17 years of marriage this one takes the cake. I thought he'd hit the peak with the cuckolding idea. (No I did not and will not go through with that, to each their own, I don't have enough time in my life to juggle my job and more than one man!) I am not a new to the idea of kinky play, I am not new to him asking to try different things to "spice it up", I have my own kinky ways but just can't find a way this fits into us as a couple.

I spent a lot of time reading the forum today and I feel like I may be sort of like that crazy relative people pray won’t show up at the family reunion, that one no one can get along with because they want to argue everything and sorry if I seem that way, it's not my intent. I’m just not understanding how anything could be good for “us to just give it a try” if it means I have to do something that doesn’t seem like fun for me and is forcing me to do without something I want and enjoy.

[Locked by LRC]

Hopefully we don't sound like we're ganging up on you, just trying to help. It sound to me he's putting too much too fast on you. When we first started it was just weekends and then extended the time. It allowed us to both get used to it.

We have been playing with chastity for over 10 years. Not once has the topic of cuckold come up. Don't you think that one has to lead to the other.

When it comes to PIV who says your frequency has to diminish? You can have as much as you want, he just doesn't get to orgasm. This will require some adjustment for you to accept that when he's close that he stops for a little bit to settle down. We find this as a great time for kissing and caressing.

One of the hardest things that LRC and I both had to learn was if chastity was going to work we had to do it on her terms only. If I didn't like it then I could disagree and live with it or there would be no chastity play at all. He is giving up control to you and he has to accept that.

It sound to me he needs to stop demanding and start listening.

[wonderingwife]

I don’t feel like I am being ganged up on, and I’m a tuff nut so it won’t be easy to make me crack. I don’t get my feelings hurt easily, so no worries about that. Truth is I am feeling like a combative little snot because so far every post has been full of “but-but-but” stuff.

And here I go again. The “stop when he thinks he’ll have an orgasm” then we might as well skip the whole idea of intercourse since that way leaves me trying to watch for him to be “about there” so I can’t just relax and roll with the action and it irritates me to no end when he does the “stop and go” thing to keep from having an orgasm, in fact a couple of times at that and I’m done with even trying because it gets in the way of me enjoying the intercourse, so he knows better than to try that with me. And I enjoy making him orgasm, that’s half the fun for me.

I’ve read tons of stuff about the glories of chastity play, just nothing that has to this point addressed the consternations I have. This is the first site my husband has asked me to look at that even held my attention long enough to want to post, seemed like real people involved in the posting, so I certainly don’t want to seem offensive/rude.

It’s not so much he is demanding anything he just isn’t hearing me when I tell him why this doesn’t interest me and what I would have to go through to “just give it a try”. He picks and choose what he wants to hear (retain) from me when we do talk about it. He keeps thinking there is something out there that is going to change my mind. Not that my mind is made up, I just don’t see anything in all this for me, that once this is in place it will be all about him and how we(me) have to work to keep him aroused. And as I said before a few days without an orgasm he gets to be a bear to deal with; that alone is enough to make me want to shut the whole thing down before it gets started. At least with the cuckold stuff once I said drop it, he did. This though, he is like a bad deaf dog on a bone.

[Tom Allen]

Hi Wondering -

First, welcome to Chastity Forums. I'm glad that you noticed that we're mainly pretty normal people around here; we're proud that this is a forum where people can talk plainly and openly about the ins and outs (heh heh), the nuts and bolts (oh, stop me) and more importantly, the emotional aspects.

You're not being ganged up on, but naturally, this forum is filled with members (and their partners) that enjoy and appreciate the various aspects of orgasm denial, teasing, and "enforced" chastity. Yes, we have some people who are more into the BDSM part, but many of the folks here just use it to enhance their intimate lives. Naturally, like a lot of other [s]brainwashed zombies[/s]... er, enthusiasts, they are going to try to point out the good parts. No argument intended, I'm sure.

The fact that you have even bothered to check in here and engage in some discussion shows that you're at least interested in having a good intimate relationship with your husband, and that's much to your credit. If you can stand one more person weighing in on this, I'd like to mention a few things.

I'm going to go on record here to say that your husband is reading too much porn. The stuff that he mentioned, that it will make him a better husband, that he'll be more attentive, that he'll do chores, whatever, is all part of the "men need chastity to be better partners" trope that everyone runs into when exploring this. Frankly, it's bullshit. My take has always been that if you need hand $200 worth of plastic on your junk to be a better partner, then you're better off spending that money on a therapist. And by all mean, tell him that Tom Allen said this - if he's not already reading it.

It also sounds like you're getting frustrated and resentful, and no wonder. He's not presenting to you *anything* that makes doing this worth your while; rather, he's only telling you things that wank fiction has convinced him that you'll want to hear. I don't know about the rest of your relationship, but he's obviously not hearing you on this. People want to feel like they're getting something in return for doing a thing that pleases their partner. It sounds like he's presenting this in a way that is only going to be a lot of work for you. It's not the first time I've heard of this, and I"m sorry that it's happening. This is not an indictment of chastity play, it's more of some insensitivity on the part of your husband.

I can tell you, however, that there are ways to make it work for the both of you. You may not both get *everything* that you want, but trust me, it is possible for the both of you to get enough out of it to make it mutually enjoyable.

I'll stop here. If you're interested, I'll be happy to write more.