How do you spot a chastity candidate in the wild?

[Princess K]

Reading more about MC and D/s has given me a new lens on the world:

This weekend, I went to the movies with an ex bf who has become a dear friend. He let me choose the movie, the time, AND a suburban theater 5 miles from him, even though he lives across the street from a gorgeous downtown 18-screen multiplex (it just didn't happen to be showing my 1st-choice film). He also offered to pick me up at my place, which is 3 miles in the opposite direction.

Right when the movie was about to begin, I clumsily dropped the lid to my coffee. Before the words "uh oh" had even escaped my lips, he got up and made the long trek to fetch me another one (along with extra cream & sugar, just in case I needed it).

I thought back to his behavior when we dated. He really did treat me like a royal princess. Oh, the wonderful hand massage sessions! With my new, possibly overactive lens, I'm thinking that maybe he was a stealth submissive. Part of the reason we broke up is because our sexual chemistry was off. Although he took the lead-- it certainly never occurred to me that I should do it-- he was hesitant and anxious about his performance to the point where I started pretending like sex wasn't important because it put too much pressure on him. He was perfectly gung-ho (and heterosexual) with his porn, but somehow real-life wasn't working for him.

I'm wondering if chastity might be something that he'd find interesting, if he hasn't already looked into it. Guys: are there signals to watch for? Is the sort of thing that you can bring up with someone you're not sleeping with, even if you're close? If it's a risky or sensitive topic I will leave it alone.

And by the way, I wouldn't plop it squarely on his head in a "Hey, I suspect you're submissive and also I think you might enjoy being locked up so you can chill out about the quality of your erections" way. I'd just mention that I've been exploring chastity and sexual power dynamics myself and then wade gently into his opinions on the matter.

[Johndoelock]

I honestly don't think there is a chastity radar. There may be some tell tail signs that he is already in chastity, an odd lock shaped bulge in his/or her pants, turning red at the slightest touch of their lover , a noticeable key or key motif. But i doubt you could really tell without asking.

[happyman1]

I agree, I don't think there is a chastity radar like the gaydar thing. You're ex may be submissive and not realize it. Sounds like he is. Also, he may just be a nice guy! Tread easy about it if you want to approach the subject with him. This could be the thing that was "wrong" in your relationship previously. It's a unique and for those involved a wonderful thing. Could open up a whole, new, satisfying world for both of you.

[wishful4]

I think I would approach it using the " Hey, I read the most interesting story online" approach. Then tell him the "story" about a couple in a FLR and MC. Then tell him it really interested you and you sure would like to find a guy that would respond to that type of relationship dynamic. Ask him what he thinks about it. If he still holds back, ask him if he could have any type of fantasy relationship he would want, what would it be.

[mikecb]

Yea, I think you may have had a submissive guy on your hands. That said, he may or may not be interested in chastity games. My advice would be to FIRST see if there's a D/s dynamic between you. If that works, THEN see if chastity could be integrated.

I'm not all that submissive, but love chastity play. Still, if a woman approached me and led with "I want to lock up cocks", I may not be interested. For me, chastity play is about the enhancement of sexual play, not the elimination of it. If you lead with chastity, you need to be VERY clear on what kind of play interests you.

mikecb

[fuzzydunlop]

My guess is there are tons of guys who don't mind be teased by a sexy woman. Does it have to move straight to a chasitity device? I think not. I am amazed at how many people are weirded out by devices. But there is a whole range of orgasm denial, from the extremely vanilla to the very kinky. If you are interested in a guy, why don't you see how interested he stays if he is teased a little?

[MissyBsBitch]

Depends how close you guys are these days as to how easy the subject might be to bring up but one question I feel you should probably ask yourself before you start talking about sexual subjects with the guy is "am I interested in a relationship with the said guy again?" It kinda sounds like you are.

[kickball]

I love the term chasity candidate in the wild.

I would look for a man who puts Women first, looks up to Women, is eager to please the ladies and takes a 'back seat' when making decisions.

Under these circumstances 'take him bye hand' and when he has fallen head over heels for you, gently suggest that him being in Chastity would make you very happy.

[Sub Cy]

To be honest all of what you (Princess K) said sounds a lot like me. I tend to treat my girl friends nice, like a princess, etc. Now, while I am into chastity and on the submissive side, none of that has to do with why I do things like that. That's just my personality and if I genuinely enjoy being around someone I'll go a little out of my way to do it. Not majorly out of the way, like I wouldn't drive 30 miles to pick you up to go to a movie, but 8 to your place? That's nothing. I drive more than that to school/work.

I was like that even before I learned about my sub side, chastity, and the like. I'm just, and always have been, a nice guy who enjoys spending time with friends and doing things.


Now that isn't to say you may not be right about him, I mean the GF who got me into this stuff was right about me, but be prepared for it to go south... especially since he's an ex. Also, really think about it and why you're thinking about bringing it up to him. Are you fairly sure it fits his personality? Or are you letting your imagination go slightly based on what you've read? Projecting yourself/your expectations onto him? Even if we don't realize it, that's something we do all the time and is actually why stories work and we cheer the hero and hiss at the villain.

[Princess K]

See now, THIS is why your feedback is invaluable! I was thinking like a typical woman and putting my ex in the same category as one my gal pals: if I'm into something cool and think a friend would like it, then I want to share. My original question was about whether there's any chance I'm reading him right or projecting something onto what is simply nice-guy behavior (as Sub Cy and happyman1 suggested) and how I might broach the subject.

But what I see in several responses is the assumption that I'm inserting myself into his chastity or D/s play. Oh no! We've successfully reached that lovely Jerry/Elaine stage where there's no residual sexual chemistry between us. Plus, I'm already in another relationship (the one that got me on this forum). But I can see how this would be confusing and that's actually the real landmine here.

So, I'll continue to wonder, both because I really, really want him to be happy and because I still muse about what went wrong with us back in the day. But clearly, I need to keep my mouth shut! It would be a mess if he inferred that I want to reboot our old relationship. And anyway, with respect to any kink, it would totally be the blind leading the blind! Maybe someday, he'll find an experienced domme to bring out the best in him.