going solo - question

[barrybarry]

I've been reading around here and elsewhere trying to find some help and thought it might be better to just ask. Long story short. My friend, who I've known since primary school and probably spend more time with than my girl asked me to hold a key. I asked him where he'd parked it and then he explained.

He'd been trying chastity on his own but kept cracking and he'd decided it was either me or his brother who had to hold it and it wasn't a conversation he wanted with his mum. He's not asked me to do anything else just not give him the key back for 6 months.

We've had a few jokey chats about it but we've not managed to have a serious conversation. All I know is that he basically likes it. At first I didn't get this at all but after reading some things, especially the fiction, giving control to a partner does sound pretty sexy.

But what I can't find is any description of whats in it for a guy on his own. I know most here will be those in relationships but I was hoping there may be one or two. Does it differ person to person? Or is there a common theme? I want to help out but I keep freaking out that it might be some sort of gesture. Do we have any self chastisers here who could help me out?

[Atone]

It has been a while since this has come up. I think the conclusion was that there was a distinct chance the the one locked up could / would form an attraction to the one holding the key. I don't know if that is true or not but for me I would want a relationship of some sort with my keyholder. So this might not be some sort of gesture but I would still be careful and would discuss my concerns and expectations with him before starting this.

Also, if he is having trouble not cracking on his own, 6 months might be a bit much to start with.

[barrybarry]

Cheers Atone, that makes sense and might be something he's not even thought of. I'll make sure we have a proper talk.

And yeah, that did sound sort of crazy long, but he said he'd nearly got to three before. Not sure if that was to reassure me or anything.

[barrybarry]

cheers atone

that might be something he's not even thought of and we'll definitely have to talk about.

And yeah, that does sound like a crazy amount of time but he did say he'd been three before. Don't know if that was in an attempt to assure me or anything.

[TwistedMister]

But what I can't find is any description of whats in it for a guy on his own. I know most here will be those in relationships but I was hoping there may be one or two. Does it differ person to person? Or is there a common theme? I want to help out but I keep freaking out that it might be some sort of gesture. Do we have any self chastisers here who could help me out?

The problem is that there is less thrill for a guy on his own- one of the 'key' issues is that of not having control. If he lacks a relationship in which he can abdicate control to a romantically involved partner, the second best solution is to find someone else whom he can trust enough to accept that control.

There *is* a sort of 'gesture' involved, he is conferring a certain amount of power and a great deal of trust, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything more. I get the feeling that you are concerned that he might be indicating an interest in some sort of 'romantic' relationship with you, which you do not desire. I would think that if he actually had such an interest he would have indicated it already and you would be aware of it especially considering the amount of time that you have known him.

Most likely, his main goal is to experience a true lack of control and is trusting you to assist him with this and not indicating an interest in anything more.

[fuzzydunlop]

But what I can't find is any description of whats in it for a guy on his own.

I don't think it takes that much of an imagination to figure out what is in it for someone going solo.

I was interested in chastity long before I was in a relationship. College was a sexual desert for me, which was partly my fault, and partly my environment. I was really, really good at wanking during this period of time.

But then, I spent too much time doing it, thought it was getting in the way of meeting people, and thought maybe I was even wasting time and energy. So, sometimes, I would hold off for a while. That is when I first realized that orgasms after a period of denial were AWESOME.

So, before I ever met my wife, I had a combination of various vanilla and non-vanilla reasons for wanking. The longest I ever waited was 50 days when she was sick with child, and we had a pretty a-sexual existence at that time. I worked out a lot, focused on the non-sexual benefits of our relationship, and even lost some weight. I felt pretty good then, even if a little needy. So, more vanilla reasons.

Some guys honestly believe they are porn or wank addicts, and need helping cracking that. That's never been my deal, but would be another non-kink reason.

Control is an obvious element of this for many people. But there is also self-control, self-discipline, and even kinky self-bondage for some people. It is often a kinky game, but sometimes not.

Could your friend want you as part of some kinky game and is that a boundary most would not want to cross? Maybe and maybe. But there are a million possibilities. I'd talk to him about it.

[barrybarry]

I'd talk to him about it.

Absolutely, I know I need to whatever we do I just want to know as much as I can so at best I can help and at worst not insult the guy. So seriously thanks all round.

So, sometimes, I would hold off for a while. That is when I first realized that orgasms after a period of denial were AWESOME.

This I definitely get, and sort of assumed was the general idea...but half a year? Do you gain a lot in those last months that outweighs the loss of pleasure from a series of smaller periods? Or do you need to keep pushing it to get the same effect?

Some guys honestly believe they are porn or wank addicts, and need helping cracking that. That's never been my deal, but would be another non-kink reason.

Hmm. I hadn't considered that because he said he enjoyed the thing but given his reluctance to go into detail I guess it's possible. Cheers.

The problem is that there is less thrill for a guy on his own- one of the 'key' issues is that of not having control. If he lacks a relationship in which he can abdicate control to a romantically involved partner, the second best solution is to find someone else whom he can trust enough to accept that control.

There *is* a sort of 'gesture' involved, he is conferring a certain amount of power and a great deal of trust, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything more. I get the feeling that you are concerned that he might be indicating an interest in some sort of 'romantic' relationship with you, which you do not desire. I would think that if he actually had such an interest he would have indicated it already and you would be aware of it especially considering the amount of time that you have known him.

I agree it doesn't make sense somethings not come up before but I'm finding it hard to get over the fact that he's asking me to be a pretty central figure in his sex life. If nothing else that's a boundry we've not been anywhere near before, but I take your point about trust.

The lack of control makes sense but my concern is that (intentionally or not as Atone mentioned) the fact that a given person is taking control seems to be the key theme in much of the stuff I've read. The attention to that commands by tying your sexuality to them. That's sort of the definition of a relationship.

[TwistedMister]

I agree it doesn't make sense somethings not come up before but I'm finding it hard to get over the fact that he's asking me to be a pretty central figure in his sex life. If nothing else that's a boundry we've not been anywhere near before, but I take your point about trust.

The lack of control makes sense but my concern is that (intentionally or not as Atone mentioned) the fact that a given person is taking control seems to be the key theme in much of the stuff I've read. The attention to that commands by tying your sexuality to them. That's sort of the definition of a relationship.

In a way that may be true, but from what you've told us I get the sense that he isn't looking for a 'relationship'- there are many ways in which he could become involved in one which could satisfy his needs, with someone who would be willing to do so. Based on what you've related as regards his brother and his mum, I'd guess this to be the case.

I've tried a bit of self-chastity and self-bondage, and it really doesn't have the same 'thrill' when you know that you have control of the outcome. The biggest thrill (at least for me) is when the control is completely out of my hands, when things are so arranged that I cannot influence the result.