Contracts

[Belle]

Just trying to get a feel for everyone's thoughts about contracts. I had been dead set against them, I didn't want our sex life to come down to a business agreement. Lately however Jnuts and I have been having some difficulty meeting each others chastity needs, and I think we are down to two options. Either come up with a chastity contract, spelling out needs, expectations and responsibilities or taking a break and evaluating if chastity is right for us.

I know Dev has a very simple contract, and while I would love to have that it will not work for us. I feel we need something more specific.

[celticqueens_sub]

Just trying to get a feel for everyone's thoughts about contracts. I had been dead set against them, I didn't want our sex life to come down to a business agreement. Lately however Jnuts and I have been having some difficulty meeting each others chastity needs, and I think we are down to two options. Either come up with a chastity contract, spelling out needs, expectations and responsibilities or taking a break and evaluating if chastity is right for us.

I know Dev has a very simple contract, and while I would love to have that it will not work for us. I feel we need something more specific.

CQ and I have a behaviour contract. It works for us (sorry, stating the bleeding obvious!) You can see it on her blog, here is the link http://celticqueen.co.uk/blogs/blog1.ph ... l-contract

We too didn't like the idea to start with but it did gives us a basis to refer back too when things got a bit confused, or when there was slippage in my standards. We live a bit more of a D/s lifestyle than just MC so it covers some of that. I don't think we see our sex life as a business deal or agreement. It doesn't determine when we have sex, nor does it prevent us from doing what we want. What is does do, is set a few parameters that we can refer to if we need to. Hey, it can be ripped up anytime.

Sorry to hear that you are having some difficulties, I guess you are talking like mad about it all? I sure hope you both do the right thing for your relationship whatever that is. I know there is a lot of talk about 'not going back' but I think that whilst we can't see, and don't want a way back that does not mean things cannot change. Being a happy couple is the most important thing. Best of luck

CQs

[Atone]

I don't think you need a contract to have a document that spells out your needs, expectations and responsibilities. I just have a page in a notebook where I listed out some of my needs and desires. Of course I also invited my wife to share her needs and desires. We then sat down one quiet Sunday afternoon and talked through the list. The list doesn't define everything nor does it attempt to. It did facilitate the discussion though and is a point to return to in the future. Dev's contract is perfect, for Dev and Ab. It wouldn't work in my relationship though.

Having gone away for a couple of minutes and thinking about this a little more I think the part about a contract that is deficient for us is that it doesn't address feelings. Disappointment, anger, frustration, joy, happiness, satisfaction, etc.. all come out of feelings. I find feelings much more difficult to discuss. It is easy for me to say I will do this... Or I need you to do this... Much more difficult for me to identify and discuss when you do this, it makes me feel that. I know this doesn't help much but it is the framework, or mindset that we use to engage chastity in our relationship.

-A

[mikecb]

I think I've blogged about this before. I'm not a big fan of contracts, either. I think it starts rubbing my "sex as currency" negative buttons. On the other hand, I think the notion of the negotiation and conversation involved in creating the contract is wonderful.

As Atone suggested, perhaps taking time to write out each of your wants/needs/don't-wants involved in chastity play is a good way to come around to a better common ground?

I also think that the fact that you have two little ones exhausting you both at the moment is making chastity play a heroic endeavor! It may be that chastity play will work for you, but not right now. I think you need to give each other a little latitude, given the real life pressures you're both under.

Another thought is to back off a good bit, but still do chastity play. For example (making a big assumption that this is the issue), if Belle is feeling a little too pressured, but jnuts REALLY wants to wear the device, perhaps the agreement is that he DOES wear the device, but that he can request "out" when he is feeling a little pent up without hard feelings. Maybe Belle even lets him out to masturbate in bed, while she cheers him on, then just locks him back up. He still feels controlled, but Belle feels less pressured to understand where his head is at in any given moment. That's just an example, of course. I'm only guessing here.

The point is that there might be a middle ground, somewhere, that gives you each a little satisfaction without being burdensome. I'm a little concerned that a contract would actually make things feel more strained than natural. I guess it just depends on your feeling about them I think some people work best with a fixed set of rules to operate with. My wife is like that. For me, life is all shades of gray, and rules just confound matters.

Good luck!
mikecb

[Dev]

I think Mike makes some very good points, especially the notion that you have to find the way to make it work for you (and ignore what everyone else is doing). For example, we have the agreement that Ab has access to the keys for his daily shower/nap break. It took me a long time to get comfortable with that. I think I kept bumping up against the idea that "The keyholder must have total control," and I didn't. But it was important to Ab so I needed a way to process that and be okay with it. I finally realized that I hate micromanaging things and I didn't really want to micromanage what he was doing when he was out of his device. So I made it very clear that I expected him to not be masturbating in the shower (or during his nap) and then stopped worrying about it. Once I stopped worrying, it's been better for both of us.

I brought this up to Ab the other day. He said that not having his daily break would be a game changer for him--that is, he wouldn't keep playing the game. He also told me that he's not orgasming any time without me. So this is the way we are making things work for us, at this moment. God knows, it will probably change by next month!

D

[elwoodinchastity]

Have you had a look at the contract between Sarah & John in Sarah's book (BCWYWF)? It contains a lot of absolutes which may or may not work for you. But it also feels comprehensive. Even if you don't like the severity (for lack of a better term), I think it would be a good starting point.

Disclaimer: We don't use a contract. It's just not come up so far.

[wishful4]

We don't have a contract either. Most of them I have seen are way too long and complex. I think a sensible solution is for both of you to, separately, write on paper your individual expectations & needs from a MC relationship. Then, together, come up with a few (very few) simple rules that both of you can live with and, most importantly, remember. Then, periodically, look at your rules, update or change them as you deem necessary after thoughtful discussion and agreement.

[James]

Wow, so much good advice so far, I'm not sure I can add anything of substance. My KH and I have a contract, it was my idea (duhh). Drawing it up was a good exercise and helped us (me) separate some of my fantasies from our reality. Since we signed this contract, 8 months or so ago, we've completely forgotten about it. I think my point here is that we really don't need a contract and we probably couldn't remember what was in it if asked, but the process of drafting it was a way of sharing our expectations.
In my case I always seem to want more, but my KH is much more conservative than I and has a much lower sex drive. I have to keep reminding myself to slow down and let things take their course. The idea is for her to be in charge, but I'm just much too impatient and need constant reminders. I guess some would call this topping from the bottom. In my case I need to find a balance between communication and just being a pest.
Good luck, I hope you guys can find common ground and work out something that satisfies both of you.
Jim

[Belle]

Thanks everyone. After talking, Jnuts and I have decided to try to continue with MC, although we are both pretty frustrated at this point. I am going to spend some time going through various contracts that I find online, and modify what works (or I think will work) for us. I would love to stick with the "whatever I say" attitude, but I know that it will not work at this time. MC has become a vicious circle for me, I don't tease (something Jnuts needs) if I feel he doesn't help me, and he doesn't help more if he has no incentive. My frustrations from being a SAHM and some other family issues are affecting my life with Jnuts as well as my personal sex drive, and I want to stop that. Also, I have never been the sexually assertive one, so I tend to just let things go.

For us right now I need something concrete to hold myself to.

[Atone]

My frustrations from being a SAHM and some other family issues are affecting my life ....

being a stay at home mom is a very under appreciated role. I'm not saying jnuts doesn't appreciate you, just that in general most people have no idea what it really means to fill that role. It really never ends, day or night. Sure your spouse can take on the responsibility of doing certain things, even all things, while they are there but you still aren't disconnected from what is going on. In a lot of ways the work I do outside of the home is much more difficult work, not more important, but more difficult none the less. The big difference is that at the end of the day I get to go home and leave the work at the office. Even if I bring my work home with me it is still a big mental break from the stresses of "work". Add to that the people that think that you *just* stay home with the kids and it can be very stressful. And we haven't even introduced family issues, I assume you mean outside of your immediate family. If your family is anything like mine (let's hope not) that could be the best form of birth control ever devised

I am sad that the two of you are frustrated. I feel like we are friends and wish I could reach out somehow to help. I hope you do not mind that I will be praying for you both, for peace, for patience, for wisdom, for guidance in your relationship.

-A