Performance Anxiety

[betheball]

Infrequent commentator here, but long time and appreciative stalker...
Coming out of a longer term MC lock-up (close to a month) from a CH Cage (same as MM Jailbird). Last night was the announced "due date". My KH and I got into a discussion about whether to continue (my preference) or whether we should have a nice mutual orgasm. (her preference) During the discussion, it got a bit uncomfortable, as I felt very much like I was "topping from the bottom" by asking for more time or extending the game. She's really been GGG, taking key and release date ownership, and being a good receiver for massage and other touchpoints. But she wouldn't claim cock ownership, if asked. We talked through the benefits of the last month, but it landed on a "whatever YOU need to do, I guess that's what we'll do" point which wasn't where I wanted it. I think she wanted to help, but she was also confused by me, and my desire to extend, all things considered.
Fast forward to some massaging and unlocked play, which culminated in a "well, now I want you inside me". Historically, this is a place where I can't hold back long, MC or not. But I felt a bit compelled to comply. So, I negotiated an extended pleasure condom, which she was fine with and has allowed play for me without coming on most occasions. And then...I couldn't maintain an erection worthy of the condom or much else. Very frustrating session. After a few tries, we pretty much abandoned the whole event. I guess I got my wish to keep the streak going, as she told me to "go lock up", but the whole scene felt awful.
This hasn't been a problem in the past (well, not one that couldn't be resolved with a little extra attention), but has anyone else had ED performance anxiety coming out of a long-term lockup? I was very excited, and leaking like crazy, (perhaps more than ever) even in a non-erect way. We're used to being a "quickie" coming out of the cage, but not a "no-show". I'm sure a fair amount of this can be tied to the conversation leading up to this, but just wanted to know what others have seen.
Am back in my cage now, with a new date out a few weeks, but I'm thinking that we need to address the unfinished business of last night ahead of any extension of personal record or otherwise. Welcome the thoughts and experiences of this group. I've got Viagra on reserve if needed, but that seems so much a "nuclear" option here...

btb

[mikecb]

brb,

In short, I think you really didn't want to orgasm, and your KH wanted it! Your body was rude, and listened to your subconscious instead of your partner!

Honestly I think the root of it was that you weren't in agreement about "Who wins" when and if you want to stay in, and she wants you out. It's not unreasonable for your KH to want vaginal intercourse. She's being GGG in indulging the chastity play, personally, I think you need to be GGG and be prepared to give her what she wants when she releases you.

I'd bet that the fact that you ended up talking about it in the heat of the moment just totally took the wind out of your sails. I think you should just discuss it with her (with your pants on!) and come to an agreement about your releases. If you want longer durations, I think it's fair to put that on the table. However, I think it's also fair to give her all that she wants when the time comes.

I guess I'd keep the little pill on the night stand, but I agree, I think that's the nuclear option. I think the conflict can be settled at the negotiating table! ;-p

mikecb

[Dev]

If you follow my blog, you'll see that Ab and I had a problem with a release after an extended lock up. Different situation than you but I think similar issues: unrealistic expectations and pent-up anxiety. Plus I was not paying good attention to cues from him (stress at work). We had a date and wanted to stick to it but then, realistically, I think it would have been better if we had waited.

My latest strategy is to keep him locked without a specific date in mind. I am trying to pay more attention to his cues of when it is the "right" time to release him. It seemed to work okay a few weeks ago and we are giving it a try again.

May I ask your age? It helps me with thinking through the ED problem.

D

[davidphd1866]

Betheball,

I can relate to your situation on a first-hand basis. I think the causes are many and complex. (I don't dare speculate, this forum is pretty tough on a sloppy hypothesis!) Just know you are not alone on this.

David

[betheball]

Dev,

I do follow your blog, and did recall that exchange. My age is 47, and have been practicing MC both honor and with a cage, for about six months. Typically only in the device for about 10-14 days. This last one was about 25 days (I know, minor league compared to others out here). But it has seemed like another "level" of experience for me.

MikeCB - I think you are right as well. In the past, I've always prided myself on being able to "control" the situation. But I do think the subconscious pulls get stronger when something like MC is in play. All the players (my subconscious, her mind, my cock) have a lot more invested when the stakes are set a one outing/month.

Appreciate the perspectives - welcome more!

[Belle]

I agree with not having a set date, it just makes me very nervous and I feel that I have to perform or I am letting him down. I naturally do not have a very good sex drive, and MC is helping that somewhat (taking the anxiety away from knowing that every night there will be tension) but when we did have a scheduled date (a night away last weekend) my anxiety level went through the roof. I also have blogged about my preference to not be tied to a date, I am afraid of not wanting it or being sick, or the kids coming in the way, all of which are very big possibilities in our lives. I found I had HUGE performance anxiety when I had a set date, but not the times that I just told him "you won't cum until after X date" and then after that date when I wanted it I told him that it was time.

[likes2blocked]

Sometimes it just takes a day for everything to get back to normal. It isn't unusual to be a little off just after getting out.

[Celtic Queen]

We have this dichotomy too. Hub is quick off the mark so if we have penetrative sex, he's going to come. So, we are left with the choice of avoiding sex in this way or he gets an orgasm so long term orgasm denial isnt feasible for us if I want us to have sex which I feel is important. Some stuff works for some people, other stuff doesn't and you just have to adapt the lifestyle to what works for you both.

[Atone]

Some stuff works for some people, other stuff doesn't and you just have to adapt the lifestyle to what works for you both.

I only highlight this just to highlight it. Very well put. I might have to make this my signature.

-A

[Celtic Queen]

Why thankyou, you can have it royalty free